Is it asexuality or trauma?

[blackberrybuds]

For as long as I could remember, I never liked talking about sex irl. Or even anything non-sexually related such as genitals, periods, pregnancy, anything that could have anything to do with our private parts. Whenever it would get brought up I would feel myself almost dissociating. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it but I would try to tune it out as much as possible and think about something else while the person talked.

Online however is a different story. I've masturbated and consumed nsfw media. And while there were times where I did genuinely hate how often I'd get turned on, I still chose to engage in private acts like that. I've also had sexual intimacy with 2 online partners I've had in the past (it was a polycule relationship) And while I did enjoy the flirting and all, I did it more to feel emotionally closer to them. During this time I've considered myself demisexual.

Now if I were to get into another romantic relationship, I would probably not have sexual intimacy with them because not only is engaging in sex a disgusting concept to me, but because I have OCD I always fear of raping or sexually assaulting them without realizing it and hurting someone I love forever.

But at the same time I still masturbate and consume nsfw fics & art in my alone time. I've been doing this since maybe 11 or 12? I don't know. Being groomed and surrounded by explicit media at such a young age definitely affected how I view sex.

I feel like I'm Apothisexual but sometimes I worry maybe I'm not and I just don't fully understand asexuality.

Thank you for reading!

[Straif]

Hi blackberrybuds,
I noticed you posted three times in really quick succession, so I'm just going to reply here, for now. What kind of help would you like with this? (And same question with your other posts.)

If you're looking to better understand asexuality, we've got some articles that can help. In fact, we compiled a few of them in our Happy Ace Week article.

We're happy to answer questions and offer support around sex ed and relationships, but-- as it says at the bottom of the screen-- we aren't a substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. And some of the stuff you're worried about, OCD, for example, is something best addressed with the support of a qualified counselor.