Is it wrong to be scared of men?

[icecreamqueen3]

The dudes in my class are misogynistic and I would often over hear a small group of them calling a random girl's photo ugly or objectifying them and sometimes its the opposite and they treat you differently based on whether or not they find u attractive and this is changing how I see men at least the ones my age on top of all the misogyny I see on social media I know its obviously not all of them but im confused, how do you think I should go about this? Thanks

[Latha]

Hi there, Icecreamqueen

I've been in situations like this before, and I have to say that it is confusing to be confronted with such blatant disrespect. I'm sorry you've had to deal with hearing comments like that from the boys in your class.

Their behavior sounds like harassment, and it is impacting your comfort in a space where you should be safe. Do you have teachers or counselors that you trust at school? Do you think you could tell them about how these boys have been acting?

You've asked about whether it is wrong to be scared of men--that is a complicated question, but one that we can consider together.

First, I'd say it is very reasonable to want to avoid the boys you've mentioned, since they've given you good reasons to be wary. Many people who have had negative experiences like yours learn to be careful around men--they may wait for a guy to show in some way that he is respectful/safe to be around before they trust him.

If we are thinking about whether it is right or wrong to be scared of men in general, it might help to reframe the question into a couple more specific ones:

• What does it mean to be afraid of men--how does that change the way you interact with them?

• Are those ways of interacting with men useful? Are they proportionate in responding to real concerns? And do they give you an accurate picture of what the men or boys you meet are like?

Do you have thoughts about any of those questions?

[icecreamqueen3]

To me its like im afraid of interacting with someone who does those things I said above and I just assume they will to some degree especially the ones who are at my school i try to interact with everyone the same way but if they are like that then I will intentionally avoid them and ignore them in group projects cause I dont wanna make eye contact with them

I do have a teacher who stands up to them whenever she hears weird stuff but from what ive seen they will still act that way regardless

Ive been at the same school since gr7 and the dudes ive met or seen in my classes are either the way i was describing, these people are very loud about their weird behavior so its very noticeable or there is the ones who are normal and dont bother anyone which honestly is a breath of fresh air

[KierC]

Hi!

Gosh, I hear you. It can be really hard to see and experience misogyny and resulting harassment from boys and men. It’s also really easy to see those behaviors, generalize that to men as a group, and treat them differently as a whole/avoid them. I agree with Latha, when you see those behaviors I would definitely not hang out with or associate with those guys at all.

I like that you noticed there are boys who don’t do that, and who aren’t bothering people. Those are the guys I wouldn’t avoid — you don’t have to be besties with them, but it’s nice to see respectful boys and remind yourself that they’re out there. Know what I mean?

I’m glad to hear that teacher calls it out, too, though I’m sorry to hear they don’t change their behavior. That’s not okay. Have you talked to your teacher about this before, or would you like to?

[icecreamqueen3]

Yes and so have other people from what ive seen but those kids will start doing that again after some time passes

Another thing is I come across these posts on social media about crime most usually the perpetrator is a man and it sure does leave a bad taste in my mouth I really dont wanna generalize and box people but I cant help but feel nervous when im alone walking past a guy especially if hes way older than me

I wanted to know how to recognize signs of creepy weird behavior early on cause u can never be too sure

[char]

Hi icecreamqueen3. Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that a number of the boys in your class are throwing misogynistic "jokes" and making fun of girls they come across. I think it's also frustrating to recognize that this kind of behavior doesn't go away once you're out of school, since a lot of it are perpetuated on social media. Even when you know that not every boy/man is going to act disrespectful and demeaning, you might still feel unsafe, and that's totally valid.

When it comes to distasteful behaviors, there are more obvious red flags you can spot; the words/expressions someone uses can say a lot about how they view those around them. For example, you might have heard slang words like "mogging," "mewing," and ending things with "-maxxing" and "-pilled"; in case you didn't know, these are words that come from previously niche "involuntary celibate" (incel) communities that have now become mainstream due to social media virality. These communities are now infamous due to their highly dehumanizing views on women and girls. Of course, not everyone who uses them (even boys themselves) are part of the incel community. But if someone uses these terms a lot to talk about their own appearance as well as other people (especially girls), you might want to watch out. Some signs are less obvious, though, and it requires talking to them in depth. Some guys may come across as friendly and respectful, but will dismiss/excuse other guys' unpleasantness when it is discussed. They might bring up the idea that a man's behavior--particularly the way they approach women--is something that can't be changed, and everyone else has to deal with it. Simply put: they lack empathy and accountability. Do you think any of these can be applied to your real life circumstances?

I hear you on the distressing news online. There were a number of gender-based violence cases that went viral where I live, and seeing the recent news in the US is also upsetting. What makes you particularly worried when it comes to watching/reading these kinds of news?

[icecreamqueen3]

I do hear people my age using those terms but I usually didnt think much of it until now I wouldnt be surprised if theres people like that at my school. Luckily I haven't seen anyone rating other people to their face

Yeah when I see those cases what worries me is that it could be literally anyone at anywhere even somewhere as regular as a mall and that it doesnt matter how peaceful or tight knit the community is where u live something could happen out of nowhere

These thoughts dont affect my day to day life tho but yeah just a food for thought

[amber]

Hi icecreamqueen3,

I am glad that these thoughts are not all consuming or having a large negative impact on you. I will say I completely understand the fear or uneasiness they are causing. There are, unfortunately, a lot of scary parts of our society that seem so out of our control. I find that I can get existential and anxious about things like the environment or other social issues and feel a sort of dread. I bring this up because I have found ways to help me feel better on my day to day within the bad.

I wonder if we could think of some things that may help you! For myself, volunteering at Scarleteen is a big source of comfort for me. In my own way, I get to connect with folks and help push forward change within sexual health. For you, I wonder if you could look into joining a club at school or within your community that supports women's rights or victims rights..?

I also think, when you get into those spirals of worry, it could be helpful to come back to this thread and think back towards what we've already talked about. Recognizing that not all of the boys at your school are misogynistic seemed to help here so I imagine that fact could help in the future.

Does any of that resonate with you?

[icecreamqueen3]

Yes of course