Body image issues

[LopezMonty]

Since I’ve been so (possibly annoyingly) prolific on the message boards, I don’t think I need much of an introduction.

Obviously, me being trans contributes to body image issues heavily, but now a new aspect has been introduced, or rather multiple aspects. This probably just sounds like venting, and it is in a way, but I don’t know how to build the courage to talk to anyone about this face to face.

I feel like every time I come somewhat close to just even tolerating my body, it changes again. It betrays me again. Over and over, never ending. I thought I was fine for a bit, but then I suddenly gained weight. And since I’m so ridiculously, childishly short, even that little bit of weight gain showed on my body and continues to show.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my body. Everything, from its shape to its height to its sexual characteristics, makes my mind scream. I feel disgusting, and the word “fat” can’t get out of my head, even though I know that I probably look perfectly normal or just have a large waist and butt.
Apparently testosterone can make my hips go somewhat back to where they were, but how long will that take?
On top of all that, I have a medical condition that makes weight gain easy, so if I don’t get over this now, my feelings about weight can get much worse in the future. I started having irrational day-nightmares about becoming fat and never being able to go back to how I was again because that would just be my natural shape. I keep telling myself there’s nothing wrong with that, but it won’t calm me down. It’s not that the feeling of hating my body is new, just this dimension of it.

I just feel so betrayed by my body, and that this cycle will never end. I have images in my mind of what I dream of looking like later on in transition, but I feel like that will never happen. I’m too short. Too stubby. Too childish looking. Not androgynous enough or too biologically female. And now, a fear that I’m becoming too heavy.

I feel like I’ll never look the way I want simply because I got unlucky. I lost the genetic and medical lottery. And I’m supposed to accept myself, aren’t I? Even if I hate that person?

[Straif]

Hey LopezMonty,
I am so sorry you're struggling, and as a curvy transmasc human, I can absolutely relate. Having to deal with all the usual body image issues with height and weight gets compounded by gender dysphoria, and it sucks. I don't have any easy answers, but I do really love this article, How to Develop Body Trust While Trans. If you want to give it a read and let us know what resonates, we can go from there.