Family break up and baby fever

[Raffles]

I think I mentioned it here before, but my parents announced their separation back in May. My mom moved out last month when my dad and I were gone for a weekend, but she’s over almost every day. Meanwhile, she expects me (and my dad but I’m not sure if she talked to him about it) to keep this a secret from our mutual friend that we see almost every week. Very awkward.

This has also coincided with a strange bout of baby fever on my part. Since June/July, I’ve been very attached to the idea of having a kid. I’ve been abstractly thinking about adopting at some point in the future, but trying to be practical. If I can get a job, I will likely be working in person 40+ hours per week and single, which makes me a poor candidate for adoption licensing. As a result, I’ve been looking into other options in far more depth than at other points in my life.

However, I’m not sure if this is just an outlet for me to imagine a family/life where I get some of the reassurance I’m not getting now (or maybe ever). How does one separate projecting current unmet needs on to daydreams and an actual desire to have kids? I’m at the very least 3 years away (probably closer to 5 years away) from actually having a kid, but it might change some of my career choices if I decide that single motherhood is going to be the path for me. That said, I don’t want to make those choices if I’m simply fantasizing rather than setting a real goal.

[mikky]

Gosh Raffles, this sounds like such a tough time in your family (and yeah, super awkward to be hiding it from a friend). I can understand how feeling that strong sense of baby fever right now might be part of reckoning with a changing family landscape and wanting to have something that feels more secure, but honestly- I think that many people's desires to have kids are part of projections of unmet needs (or some other fantasy).

I think sitting with these feelings before making any big and consequential decisions regarding your career makes sense, but also- you can make career changes if you come to a realization or understanding that having a kid feels super important. You might also find it really nourishing (not to mention clarifying) to have meaningful relationships with kids around you. Kids need caring people to show up for them, in roles that are not parental. Do you have kids in your life already that you can invest more time in?

[Raffles]

Totally agree with you that people project a lot onto having a baby. That's why "wanting a baby" has always struck me as weird. Like, they're babies for a year. They'll eventually be toddlers and kids and teenagers. It's odd to me that people tend to fixate on baby, but shrink away from the other (especially older) stages of development. Part of being a parent and raising a kid is loving them through the difficult teenage years. But I digress.

I work at various schools, so I've been able to be around kids in a way that's fulfilling (though it's also the same thing that made me think about having a kid in a more concrete way in the first place). That said, I'm working on getting a job outside of education, so I'm not sure how I'll keep it up after. I volunteered for a bit with my local foster system, but it was hard on them when they realized that I wasn't looking to adopt.

[Becky]

Hi Raffles! Have you looked into being like a mentor for teens? I know there's the Big Brothers and Big Sisters program where you get paired with a teenager and act as a support system for them.

Also, have you talked to a therapist about all of this? I think if being a mother is what you want and you have the financial means to make it happen (whether adoption or sperm donor) that could be amazing. Would it be difficult? Yes absolutely. But definitely not impossible. Talking to a therapist gives you space to voice your concerns, fears, desires and really work through if this is what you really want whether now or in the future.