Possibly non-binary?

[FanndisTS]

Hi!

So this question is a bit more difficult than my last few...

I've had mild dysphoria for a long time - at least, as long as I can remember. I absolutely hated having to switch over from baseball to softball when I was eight or nine, and I've always been seriously bothered when people (even people I love) have called me a "young lady", and not just because of the connotations that "young ladies" have to be proper (and sit with their knees together, and never burp... I'm unreasonably proud of my belches).

I've ignored it for a long time, much in the same way I denied my bisexuality (even though I had an undeniable crush on a girl. It was embarrassing.) I've felt very masculine (for a female) for a long time, and it's only in the past few years that I've started to wear heels and actually enjoy wearing dresses. I know I'm not fully male, though. Recently, the most dysphoric feelings have been coming from this weird urge I have to act in ways that are stereotypically "gentlemanly" - such as holding doors for people (even though I get unreasonably annoyed when people do that for me), or buying flowers for a prospective SO.

I understand that a lot of this new stuff could simply be me finally really breaking through my ingrained concepts of gender norms, but I'm not really sure that's the case. I don't really get how much of this is simply me wanting to act in ways that are traditionally masculine, though, and how much of it is me actually identifying somewhere closer to male along the gender spectrum. I ask this keeping in mind the fact that although I hold no disrespect or dislike for women, I've always bristled at being shoved into a category with them (us?). Is this legitimate dysphoria, or would it be more reasonable for me to chalk all this up to overly restrictive gender norms and move on with my life?

[FanndisTS]

I should probably mention that I pushed back way harder than was reasonable when my mom tried to make me start shaving my legs. I mean, I didn't want to do it, but thinking back on it, those few minutes a week really weren't worth the huge fight we got in over it. I do my armpits because armpits stink and they tend to stink more if hairy, but I don't really get the point of the whole shaved leg thing. I do it sometimes (of my own volition nowadays), but I think that has more to do with my joint fears of judgement and the spread of my trichotillomania than anything (shaving is definitely less painful than compulsively pulling out all my leg hairs one by one...). I'm not implying that all girls want to shave their legs or like having them hairless, but honestly, most of my argument against my mom came from the perspective of "if my brother doesn't have to, then why do I?". I mean, yes, it would be better if my parents didn't have the whole double standard thing going on, but I took it way more personally than I really should have.

[Emma]

Hi, FanndisTS! Gender dysphoria is super nuanced and its experience varies from person to person--it can be very obvious that you're experiencing dysphoria, or it can be more subtle, like what you're describing. I don't think it has to be an either/or situation here--you can feel dysphoric AND uncomfortable with our society's overly restrictive gender norms. I think those two feelings are closely linked because the construct of the gender binary is what leads to gender identity confusion since most of us are so strictly tied into what we were assigned as at birth.

You don't have to know exactly how you identify, or if you identify, with a gender. "Non-binary" is purposefully a loosely constructed term because it gives you wiggle room for your gender identity to change and develop as you grow older and experience the world in different ways. There is no specific feeling you have to have to identify as non-binary. If that's what makes you feel comfortable and safe, by all, means, please do!

[FanndisTS]

Okay, yeah, that's really helpful. I've thought a lot about it in the last few hours (after doing WAY more research than I've done on the topic before) and I'm pretty sure I identify as non-binary, but I'm not sure it'd be worth the effort to (at least verbally) present that way. After all, I've been sticking with this whole "female" thing for a really long time, for a lot of good reasons: it's easier, there's no emotional transition process, and I don't have to explain it. I'm not sure what my parents would think, either - they're cool with the whole "bi" thing, but that took a lot of explaining and I'm not sure if they'd think that I'm on some Sliding Scale of Extreme Liberalism or something. Besides, I've always been their little girl - I'm not sure if I want to disrupt that, especially with everything else that's going on in our lives right now (not relevant, but suffice to say that it's ridiculously stressful).

[Keda]

Not coming out, or only coming out to certain people, is a completely reasonable decision to make if you feel comfortable that way. I don't know if you'd agree, but from what you've said here it seems like you've really got your head around all this.

[Karyn]

In addition to all of the excellent points Keda has made, I just wanted to add that it's totally okay to just be questioning for a while. A lot of people feel sort of pressured to figure out a label for themselves and stick with it, but gender identity (and sexual orientation) can take a while - even a lifetime - to figure out, and may not always be static, either. If "non-binary" feels right to you at this particular time, then go with that! But "not sure" is also totally valid, now or at some point in the future.

[FanndisTS]

Thanks for all your help and encouragement! I definitely feel like I have a better grip on what I can do now, and I feel a lot better understanding that I don't have to decide now or be out to everyone who's important to me. There's a lot of hassle that goes with changing your identity and coming out, and understanding that there's no pressure (from an honesty perspective) to pick now and immediately come out makes me feel a lot better. Thanks again! You guys are great!