Not sure

[Sam W]

Hooray for getting out of bed! (and I mean that honestly. Some days that is an incredibly hard thing to do). Drawing in the garden sounds lovely. I don't know about where you are, but here everything is starting to bloom and bud.

I'm glad you're able to have the advocate with you, and that you get to see the space ahead of time. Hopefully that will help you feel a little more secure and calm when it comes time to have to go into the courtroom during the trial.

[Tigger1]

Yes, it took me over 4 hours of encouraging myself and lots of 'in a minutes' to get out of bed. I've only been out here about half hour and I am thinking about going back inside. Yes mum and her partner were planting new flowers at the weekend so everything is very pretty. It's weird even with a massive fence around our property I don't even feel safe in my own garden.
I'm going to be giving my video statement on Thursday. So a couple more days of being in bed before that happens.

[Sam W]

I will say that, in my experience working with survivors, that feelings of not being safe even in what are (most likely) safe places is pretty common. But that does seem to be one of those feelings that diminishes with time, and the safe places start feeling that way again.

Do you have something nice planned for yourself for after you give the video statement (meal with a friend, walk somewhere nice, seeing a movie you've been wanting to see, etc.)?

[Tigger1]

Yer, nowhere feels particularly safe right now.
Not yet, TBH I was just gonna see how I felt afterwards. I have told someone I know, that I will be doing this Thursday and they have said they will be 'on call' for cheer up duties if I feel that's what I want. Else I can just come home back to bed.

[Tigger1]

Have had a chat with advocate and although I SO do not want to think about any of this at the moment, I am feeling okish about the video evidence thing. My worry is I will get too emotional or clam up but I guess that's normal. I just wish I could focus on one thing at a time right now, like I need to process each part of all this seperatly somehow. I've got too much going on.

[Redskies]

I'm glad to hear you talked with an advocate! That can really, really help with things like dealing with police, as they can talk you through whatever you want to know about the process in advance. Often, an advocate can go with you just as your support and either be in the room at the time, or be waiting right outside to support you immediately before and afterwards.

It would be very normal to get emotional or to clam up, yes. Giving statements like that certainly isn't a walk in the park, and no-one should expect it to be for you. If you need to take a moment while giving your statement, that's okay, just breathe. If it any point you need a break, for any reason, you can say you need one and should get one right away - you can check the arrangements for that with the person doing the statement with you before you start.

You might also consider taking a small object in with you for comfort, which you can hold in your hand or your pocket, if that's something that you feel might help you or ground you if you need it.

I know it's all an unfair amount of everything to have to handle and process at once. One breath at a time, yeh? I know it's hard to imagine getting through everything, but I absolutely know you can, you're awesome. If you just go one breath at a time, you'll get through.

[Tigger1]

Hey Redskies,

Thanks, I am meeting my advocate a short time before I have to give my statement, to make sure I am prepared enough and feeling as OK as possible.
I am taking my dads ring with me, it's one I took with me to the station the first time round and I also took it to my work meetings. I've also got the song I told you about (Cher) to play before I go in, to give me extra courage.
It does feel like too much all at once, this is just another hurdle but probably the most important one, if I think about it properly because doing this means he will have his trial, he 'should' plead guilty and justice will be done!

One breathe at a time!

[Tigger1]

Hey,
So I did my video evidence yesterday, I did take a break as was emotional but generally it wasn't as bad as I was expecting it to be.
The people involved were really nice, they explained everything to me before hand and I had my advocate with me to support as well. i had my dads ring on and my minion soft toy in my pocket for comfort.
After this was done, I went out. I went for a walk along the water front with someone I Know and it was lovely.
Today I had therapy and I opened up a bit more, I still feel like I have to hold back and I'm ok with that and so is she, she said that a relationship like this takes time to figure out and I can just say what I want to say. My pace.
Generally feeling mentally okish today. Am trying to be as positive as possible today!
One breathe at a time

[Redskies]

I'm really glad that was manageable and it sounds like the people doing it treated you right - that can make a real difference to these kinds of things. Good on you, too, for using the supports you can, like your advocate, your walking companion and your dad's ring. And your minion!

The therapist is right that it takes time, and it's very good that she's on board with that and giving you the space and time you need.

Probably having the statement done and out of the way helps a bit. I'm glad you're feeling okayish today.

Sounds like we could have a meditation club in this thread

[Tigger1]

Haha! Meditation -weirdly I've been trying that out!
Yer all I keep thinking is I have two days left where I have to deal with the bad stuff and think fully about what's happened. Court being one of those days. Then maybe it will be easier to deal with this and get through it.
Have done a lot of ME things today and a lot of thinking and I'm in an OK place today.
Am even out of bed! And off out tonight for a girly night with a few supportive colleagues, mixed feelings re-safety but I can't hide in bed forever!
Thanks Redskies

[Redskies]

I think it's likely to be easier when there's less "big things" still in front of you to handle, yes. When there's less outside requirements, the more you can prioritise your own inner needs and move through your own personal process.

Yay for supportive colleagues! It's totally understandable that you'd have feelings about safety. I'd hope your colleagues would be sensitive and understanding about that, and support you in your needs around that. Perhaps with things like always having you in a group, agreeing to deal with other people if/when necessary, having at least one "designated driver" person so there's definitely at least one other person fully aware and responsible at all times.

Well done you for being out of bed and doing You things! That's excellent news

[Tigger1]

Hey,
Yer,figure everything will be much easier to get my head around after the big stuff is out of the way and not playing on my mind!
Physically feeling a bit better as well which is helping I think. Emotionally still raw but guess that takes time too!
We have a no alcohol allowed policy tonight so we are all going to be aware of happenings, I am also taking my car so I can leave whenever I need to, my p.a. Is on people watch for me and we have a signal if I feel uncomfortable in any way. She has also agreed not to leave my side for the night, so all eventualities accounted for in that respect. Its also been agreed that we do not discuss the situation and stuff and that no one is allowed to ask me how I'm feeling! Tonight is about just having a laugh in a responsible and safe environment with safe and supportive people and getting a small part of my life on track. We are heading to a karaoke night, it's not far from home which is good, I've been there before so know escape routes etc. I feel as comfortable as I can about tonight and although I do feel scared about safety, I think I'm gonna feel like that anywhere right now so I might as well get used to that for a while anyway!
Life is gonna have its ups and downs right now, I just need to feel whatever I feel about whatever I feel. I know that's ok now. I know I'm not gonna be over this overnight but stepping in the right direction seems to be what I need Today!
Thank you for all of your support and kindness! You are amazing, a real lifesaver

[Redskies]

Aww, thank you. I'm happy to do it.

Sounds like you've done some smart planning about this evening, as usual Your P.A. sounds wonderful. Hope you have a lovely evening!

[Tigger1]

Hey,
So last night did not go so well, I had a panic attack about an hour in. I couldn't deal with so many people being about, felt like I was having to be on guard everything someone moved or the door opened. Someone came in that looked like him and I freaked. Ended up sitting in my car with the doors locked for an hour playing my music just so I was calm enough to drive home.
Feeling crappy today generally and have spent most of the day in bed again feeling majorly sorry for myself.
I don't know what to do TBH, I wanna move forward but I can't. I feel like I've lost every bit of me somewhere along the line, the little confidence I had about myself is washed away. I used to enjoy going out and stuff but now I can't. Was it too soon?
It's so so tough. I feel so lost today. I feel low. I feel like everytime I get a bit of strength back something knocks it away again.
Sorry to ramble

[Tigger1]

Hi,
Am looking for some info on how to deal with flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks following my assault.
I feel like I need to grasp how to deal with these so they stop and so maybe I'll be able to sleep or just walk down the road without stuff creeping up on me. I've got a lot on at the moment and a new project to get my teeth into and want to try and focus on that but the assault stuff keeps popping into my head and I'm not sure how to stop these things happening yet or how to cope with them better or whatever

Wondered if any of you guys had any ideas or advise. Thanks Tigger

[Mo]

Hi Tigger,

I have a few thoughts. During flashbacks, many people find it helpful to work on grounding themselves in the present. This can take the form of lists of things you see around you, affirmations to say or think to yourself about how you're in a safe place now, deep breathing exercises, or doing things to engage your senses like having a hot or cold drink, touching a soft toy or comfort object, having a candle or other object with a scent you find relaxing, etc. Different strategies will work for different people but you may want to try one or more of those things.

For panic attacks I find that deep, slow breathing helps a lot, although I do have a hard time reminding myself to breathe slowly in the moment. There are some images you can find online that will animate and prompt you to breathe slowly and I honestly find those to be pretty helpful; if you do a search for things like "breathing gif" some options will come up pretty easily. If I can get myself to get up and get some water or juice and focus on drinking slowly that helps as well. A friend very recently showed me the website http://mynoise.net which has a lot of sound generators on it that can be relaxing; I find that if I put the thunderstorm one on it will calm me down pretty quickly, but there's a wide range of sound types there if thunder isn't your thing.

[Tigger1]

Thanks Mo,
I've just downloaded the app attaches to that website.
Nights tend to be the worst TBH, when the world goes quiet my brain goes into overdrive.
i find that during the day when I'm out and about different things set me off and I don't want to continue to be scared of leaving my room, ya know. Just in case something sets it off or I'm reminded of something.

[Mo]

I hope you find that app helpful! That might be even better than the web version in case you're out somewhere and popping your headphones in for a few minutes is feasible. It's likely that as time goes on, you'll have a better sense of what might cause flashbacks or trigger feelings of panic, and this might make those situations easier to avoid. I realize that might not help much now when it might be less predictable, but I hope things can get easier for you soon.

[Tigger1]

Thank you.
Am also hoping in the long run they become easier to deal with. Sometimes I can deal, sometimes I can stop them happening other times I can't and there the times that I fear

[Tigger1]

Hi,

I am having a pretty rough day, full of judgement people who are far from helping with my healing process, I've really taken what people have said to heart and am feeling low today. I was having a fairly good few days, full of inspiration, healing and self care. Now I'm back in bed, trying to deal with panic attacks and other people's attitudes.
I'm still having nightmares which seem to be getting worse, as in they play out longer than they did. They are horrible and I haven't been able to tell either therapist about them yet, as in what they are about because part of me thinks it's useless.
Today I am not coping with the world, I have done a lot of crying again and have done a lot of thinking about HIM as well as what he did and how he was before that night, maybe people are right when they say he wouldn't do such a thing, maybe it was my fault. I'm so confused right now. I just dunno. I was having such a positive few days and was trying to make a difference and then some people open their mouths and I go 100miles in the other direction. Argh.

[Heather]

So sorry to hear it!

Mind filling us in on who these people are, and if they are people you need to be talking to in any way? If they are, can we talk about how to cut off communication about this with them and set limits on them talking to you about this?

It's really never useless to tell a therapist anything, honestly. And ultimately, it's part of their job to decide if something we're telling them seems like something they can help with, or is worth our focus, or not. So, I'd say that you just tell a therapist about whatever is on your mind and troubling you, and let them do their job of figuring out what of that they can work with. Micro-managing our own therapy or our therapists is never the way to go.

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,

General Morons at work, I have come up with a new project, one that I am truly EXCITED about and one that could change the entire future of our company and clients for the better. Over the last couple of days I have put all of my 'awake' focus on it and put the idea of the project (which I've already started!) to the rest of the directors this morning. One of them called me unhinged and said someone should really be looking out for me I case I flip! Someone else at the meeting told me that me being assaulted had made my true colours come to light (not sure TBH if this was a backhanded compliment!) I took offence to it either way! My new team have heard about what happened and have been asking various questions today. That being said my P.A. And another colleague have been amazing over the last couple of days and even made sure I went out for dinner with them last night(I haven't laughed that much is so long!) but ten today my world seems to have crumbled again, I was SO excited about this new thing of mine and I was so proud of myself. I tried to take control. I was foolish to believe I could stand up for myself, foolish to believe I could change the way people thought about things. I'm just one person.

[Heather]

Okay, so when this has happened at work, can I ask what you've done to set limits with people talking to you about this who you aren't asking to talk to?

And when anything is being said like this at meetings, can I ask what you are saying to shut it down, like, "Work meetings are not an appropriate place to talk about anyone's personal life, including mine. That is inappropriate."

When people are asking questions about this, are you responding with something like, "I don't want to discuss this with you?" If so, how is that going?

[Tigger1]

During the meeting this morning I said 'I'm here to do my job, I'm here to engage with you all about my current work and my current project, therefore i believe that should be our sole focus'

My new team I just said 'id prefer not to talk about this whilst the investigations are ongoing, perhaps we should focus or attention on why we are all here instead of what's gone before'

I am trying to stand up for myself, I'm trying to make people understand that whilst they may have a ton of questions or opinions about what happened I really don't feel like talking about it, it's hard enough dealing with it myself without other people's rubbish on top and I know I'm over sensitive to this stuff at the moment but it doesn't help with my 'OK, let's get out of bed and make today count' daily plan because it makes me think 'OK, let's go back to bed and not get out again for another 10yrs'
Makes me feel more harassed about it all then I perhaps should. I did also contact HR today to discuss how I was feeling, I agreed to return to work on a step by step plan, these steps have not worked due to people's ignorance and so I've got another meeting later this week with HR and my line manager to discuss the future and Stuff. Part of me thinks I should just get on with it though, part of me thinks this is just something I'm gonna have to deal with because people's attitudes stink. That maybe because I am still majorly sensitive to all of this it's making it worse. Yet I don't know how to stop being so sensitive. I'm just trying to heal, I'm trying to put this behind me and part of going back to work and doing what I do is part of that process for me. I know the whole thing isn't going to be magically better over night and that its gonna take a while for me to get some sort of normality back into life but I just wanted to focus on me, on something I wanted and feel part of my void with that. Is that so wrong?

[Heather]

So, after you have said those things, did they stop? In other words, was that effective? Or did anyone (or everyone) refuse those limits and keep talking about this or bring it up again?