Any tips?

[Amanda F]

Hey sky,

I think you'll know what we have to say to that. Your gender is valid - everyone's gender is valid! Many people identify as genderfluid and/or genderqueer (more about that here at Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer - the title of the article doesn't necessarily apply, but it has some great suggestions for experiencing your gender/s in different ways).

Depending on how you present yourself people might assume that you are a "girl". It doesn't mean it's okay for people to make assumptions, but they often do. However, you do have some agency here. You can tell people (starting with people you trust - maybe at some of those LGBTQ community gatherings?) that you would be happy to be called by she, he, OR they pronouns. You can experiment with presenting as more masculine, feminine, or anything in between (see the article above for ideas). You have control and power here - but you do have to practice using it for it to feel real. What are some ways you think you might like to experiment with your gender?

[sky]

Oh yay Amanda is back!!!

Urmmmm I really want to wear different clothes but I’m scared to take that plunge and I really have been wanting to cut my hair like off, like a super masculine style but I have suuupper curly hair and it would legit just turn into an Afro so I think I’ll stay away from that.

There was a suit the other day at the store and I told my friend I dream of wearing that to things but I’m nervous my family will suspect something of me she said that my family already knows something is off about me, I laughed harder then I should have but it did get me thinking. When I first came out as queer I had a cousin that km close with tell me she always knew I wasn’t being me fully and she wasn’t sure what it was but there was something she always knew I was hiding.

I still feel like there’s something I’m hiding, I am kinda open about it but I feel like I should know more before I tell my very close minded family. It’s very scary. I had a lot said to me and done to me just being queer, that person is out of my life now thankfully but there’s more like him. He would say mean things and throw things at me at work. It’s very scary. People get killed for being true to themselves and it’s literally horrifying

[sky]

So, I’m sure you know that I’ve been confused, I said something about my gender to you awhile ago. It hasn’t went away, it’s always been in my mind. I am a girl. But I also am very fluid with it. So I identify as both male and female. I’m having a small anxiety attack typing this explaining something I really shouldn’t have to explain. You could also refer to me as a he/him or they/them. If you wanna call me Mel I would like that very much, but also Melissa is okay. I know this is probably confusing it’s been very confusing for me too. But I know you love me and I love you very much and I’ve always been this way it’s just getting too much in my head lately so I want to be open about it because I feel very hidden. I deserve to feel better then that. So here I am officially telling you. <3

I just sent that to my aunt and a few friends. I’m nervous!!!!

[sky]

Okay I’ve been trying to ignore the guilt. But this morning I read a lesbian porn, erotica? Idk what it’s called. I’ve never watched porn before and that was the first time I’ve ever read it.

I really really liked it and then I masturbated after but when I started I was already like wet because of the story and I used the situation as like my imagination.

I’m sure you all already know I felt guilty! I masturbate everyday now and I’ve grown okay with it and when I do it I think about girls. Am I bad for reading it? I’m like really super queer and it’s being shown to me a lot more day by day. I accept it. But this is like a bigger step that I don’t know if I’m comfortable making? I read one after of a girl and guy and it did nothing for me

I know you all are going to say it’s normal. But with that and then the gender thing and me telling people and then someone left my life and I know it’s because of that, they hate me because I’m different. And it’s all just like a lot.

Be honest is everything I’m doing and everything I am okay? Like is it really okay?

[sky]

I told someone who’ve I’ve known since I was about 5 and she said that I make her uncomfortable and asked me to stop texting her. I can’t get it out of my head. I found someone on twitter who said that they are they/she/he pronouns and I messaged them and they said I’m not alone and I can talk to them whenever.

I still feel alone. I hate that this makes people hate me. It hurts me so badly that the person who I loved so much treated me like that. Its really super sad she feels that way about me. I don’t think I am strong enough to be this way. I wish I could hide it and could have hidden it forever and ever.

[Sam W]

Coming out to people close to you is a really big step, and I'm sorry that at least one person you opened up to responded in that way. Unfortunately, when you come out to people, not all of them will be accepting of it. If you haven't seen this before, this article on the site has some really kind, realistic advice on how to deal with different reactions to coming out: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... coming_out.

As you said, we're always going to affirm people's gender identity and sexual orientation. Likewise, we've touched before on the fact that masturbation is also completely okay. One thing that may help you out is to hear those things from multiple sources. For instance, you mentioned that often you and your therapist spend a lot of time on you processing things. If you haven't already, making space at your next appointment to talk about your feelings around your identity would be a sound call, so that you and she can talk about it, and possibly about ways that you can build more supports.

[sky]

I don’t know if she will support me. I’m going to tell my mom after the holidays so I don’t ruin them for her and she’ll tell her parents and that’s who I live with and I’m scared they will kick me out. I don’t think they will but I also think they might. So i might not ever tell my mom until I’m financially stable to live on my own or with someone Incase anything happens.

Everyone’s already disappointed enough that I like girls.

[Heather]

Not only is there nothing wrong with not coming out to *anyone* who you don't think will be safe and supportive, it's actually very much in your own best interest not to, most of the time. For instance, if someone told us they were pretty sure they'd get kicked out of the house if they told a family member a thing, we'd probably tell them not to tell that person that thing unless they had other housing lined up, because it's very destabilizing and difficult to get kicked out, even when you're not a minor.

I'm sorry that your immediate family is not being supportive, but I agree that telling them more isn't likely wise.

Too, coming out isn't FOR other people in the first place. It's for US. We're not telling people because we have some kind of contagious disease, we're telling people for support and acceptance and the desire to live lout loud and feel good about it. If coming out ever won't give us those things or will create any kind of situation of harm for us, why do it? It's for YOU. So if and when it doesn't feel like it benefits you, save it for people and situations where it does, and just focus on staying safe when it comes to people who aren't accepting.

[sky]

I just really hate the fact of not being true to myself because of fear. Like I really feel like I’m a man sometimes and it hurts me so much that I can’t be one. I want to wear cologne. I want to cut my hair.

Like today for example I feel like a man and i didn’t put makeup on because of it. But I still wear my women’s perfume because I’m to afraid to wear anything else. I pulled my hair back so it wasn’t long and girly but it is still long pulled back.

I feel like I can’t be me until people know because I’m scared that they will start to question me for what I’m doing and I don’t know how to answer. I’m having a really hard time with having hormones and my period and the acne that surrounds that. I’m having a hard time with my boobs because I don’t want them. But I like girls and girls like boobs and I’m not a man so why would I not like my boobs.

But then tomorrow or in a few days I’ll wear makeup and have a shirt on that my boobs pop out. It’s very difficult to navigate it all when I kinda like don’t fully understand but I do understand I’m just scared to fully process it all. It’s like sometimes I wish I was born a man but then I wonder if since I’m already like this, if I was a man would I want to be a woman.

I won’t tell them, thank you for the advice on that.

[Heather]

I wonder if it might help to remind yourself that it is very rare that any of us ever gets to be all of who we are with someone: way, way more times than not, we show most people only some of ourselves, not all, for a whole host of reasons, from our or their personal boundaries, to what does or doesn't have a place in certain environments (like work, or the bank, or the bus, etc.). Not being every part of who we are in an outward or known way with people doesn't make us fearful or not brave.

Too, the reality is that not everyone is safe for us or certain parts of who we are, and that's not about anything being wrong with us, either. It's also something that, the more marginalized someone is, the more and more people or environments they won't share all of who they are with because it just isn't safe. Obviously, the world and the people in it would be much better if everyone were safe for everyone and accepting, but that's just not how it is, and there;'s nothing wrong with us for keeping ourselves safe. When we are, it also doesn't mean we're not being ourselves: what it often means is that we are not making ourselves vulnerable in unsafe environments.

I'm heading out of work for the day, but I would like to check in with you both about where you're at when it comes to a therapist or counselor and in-person community. Over the past couple of weeks you've been here, you've brought more and more to the table that is a lot to manage -- certainly more than any person can usually manage on their own, and also more, and with more frequency and need for a kind of response that a public forum like this just can't offer -- some of which, like suicidality, managing bipolar and now entering some very different ways of thinking about or feeling gender than it sounds like you have before.

Can you give me/us a sense of where you're at with seeking out some supportive in-person community, and also with finding or getting back to a counselor/therapist who you can see regularly? I want to make sure that we're doing our best to help you seek out and find the range of the kind of supports you likely need.

One other thing I'd suggest is that you start doing some reading around some of this, if you haven't already. Our main site has a TON about some of this, particularly about gender identity and orientation. I also really like a lot of the resources that Gender Spectrum has to offer, and I think a good place to get started with is this page: https://www.genderspectrum.org/resources/teens-2/ Specifically on gender fluidity, I also really like this piece for you: https://medium.com/th-ink/what-the-heck ... 0f8b120ea9 <3

[sky]

Thank you. I have read stuff but I get overwhelmed and just exit out.

Uhhh I’m in the same spot I was when I first came in with getting help because due to something I missed my appointment to her me the cheaper therapy. So yeeeaaah I’m sorry. I’m trying to get another appointment, I just get super anxious about it and I don’t wanna go.

[sky]

I just realized I only answered half the question sorry. I don’t know if you know of TrevorSpace. But it’s a great online community for anyone questioning. And so I’ve been going on that more for support since in my city they don’t really have anything. I live in a Republican state

[Heather]

Why don't you try again with that reading I suggested? I've picked those outside links very specifically for you. I really feel like if you can read through all you have here, those things should not ask any more of you than this has. I also think you are asking a lot of questions they answer well, and we'd not answer any differently.

You don't owe us apologies about your own self-care. You just will need to recognize that there are gaps we just can't fill for you here, or things we can't do here that other kinds of services, or other kinds of community, can. One of the reasons I brought this up is that it seems like you have been seeking a level of engagement we just can't always manage (or that isn't appropriate for us to try and do), and that adding other kinds of help or services would help with.

Your state and city do have other services and community options: I linked you to a handful of them a little while back, and you responded that because of what happened when you used Trevor, you did not want to engage with them or anyone else, so I'm feeling a bit confused about this response. It may be a red state, but Phoenix has some great LGBTQ services, including both community and counseling support.

[sky]

Well I do owe apologies because I shouldn’t have said the things I’ve said. I will read it. I just want to be a bit more mentally prepared. I appreciate you sending them to me.

I’m just really scared. I’m trying though. I promise I’m trying so hard with this and my mental health etc. it might not seem like it because I have set backs but I really am trying so hard.

[sky]

Heather-

I re read this stuff when I read the links and realize I only answered like half of the things you’ve said. I use the TrevorSpace and the talking line for support, I just don’t ever mention I’m suicidal anymore. I fight that on my own just like I always should have. So I have a way to get around it for the support I need.

I am sorry I started word vomit in here. Don’t say I don’t owe apologizes please because I’m a person that just has to apologize or I feel guilty. I know I’ve been a lot and said a lot. My brother, I’ve tried to talk to them and they just don’t listen to me. They don’t really care about it or helping me at all.

I’m really trying to understand myself. I’ve been making a lot of self discovery. I really like masturbating. I like reading lesbian erotica but I hate watching lesbian porn I just tried yesterday and it’s not for me. The acting was so bad. I’m trying little by little to figure myself out without it being like drastic changes that people can figure out.

This is for me to make me happy. I actually have been feeling less depressed and suicidal since I’ve admitted it fully to myself. I’ve been saying I want to be normal but this is my normal. This isn’t confusion or a phase. Yes I am confused but everyone is confused about things. It doesn’t make me any less valid. The fact I haven’t had sex with anyone doesn’t make me less valid in the lgbtq+ community.

I’m just trying to grow. And I’m 22 and I feel so late and I’ve been trying to rush it and all that’s been doing is making me feel worse. Sex is sex. It’s not really that important. I just want it sometimes like most people do! And that’s not wrong either.

You all have taught me a lot. And I truly would be a lot more confused and self guilt ridden if I didn’t randomly stumble across this. I’m so sorry I’ve broken rules and brought a lot here that I shouldn’t of. But I’m really grateful I did because I wouldn’t be in the better position I’m in right now.

[sky]

Okay, Heather, I need advice and then I’ll shut up.

Awhile ago I said that this guy and I were talking about having sex but I didn’t want to I was just bored. He’s been infatuated with me for like 8 months. I don’t understand why. I got mad at him and blocked him on social media. Yesterday he text me and apologized and I said I forgave him and so we started talking again normal, well I tried.

Today he text and said he missed my smile I said how did you see it thinking he found my Twitter or something and he said that he was still waiting to see it so I sent him 2 selfies and he got super happy and wouldn’t shut up. I told him if he actually knew my body he wouldn’t like me he just has an infatuation.

I thought it was smart to send him a picture of me in a thong and bra when you can see my rolls and stuff and I was like okay leave me alone. I told him he could use his imagination with me in mind to masturbate I just don’t wanna know what he does. I tried to get him to just go away and get off and come back so we could talk.

He asked for another picture. He told me I could use him as my pet. He told me he wants to make me feel more confident I was like I have myself I don’t need you. I asked him to stop multiple times after and before I sent the picture. And I finally snapped and was like I! Like! Vagina! I’ve told you this a million times and he then said he could wear a wig and to not think of him as a guy.

I told him he was going to get blocked until he could figure out how to treat me with respect. Then he said he doesn’t have the courage to ask me to sleep with him I said “you’ve asked me about 10 times and I’ve said no each time” I snapped at him a lot and I think he just likes me getting mad.

I know I shouldn’t have sent the picture. I really thought it would make things better. What should I do? Should I try and be friends even tho he keeps breaking my boundaries? Or should I just block him? He said he would never show anyone the picture or tell anyone but he’s obsessed with me and if I block him what if he shows someone at work (my face isn’t in it, I colored it out it’s kinda there but you know it’s me because my fucking hair)

I messed up, I know I did. I did what I thought was best. But now I’m nervous. It’s not a bad picture I just don’t want anyone at work to know. Ps: he quit but still talks to the guys in his department if that’s important at all

I’m sorry to ask another question I just, am, blank minded at what to do. I need an adult (a responsible one not me being the adult in this situation)

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I'll address your most recent post in a moment, but I want to circle back to the conversation with Heather first. You've mentioned connecting to helplines, which is a great step in taking care of yourself. But, one of the reasons we're encouraging you to reach out to community supports in your area is that you're dealing with a lot of difficult stuff, and having an even broader community of other LGBTQ people could go a long way in terms of some of the feelings you're struggling with around your identity. So, what if this week (or next, given that some places will have weird Holiday hours) you committed to either reading up on or visiting one of the resources in your area?

As for the incident with this guy, I would 100% encourage you to block him. He's demonstrated zero regard for your boundaries or you as a person, and really has shown that he's not a safe person to have contact with, let alone someone to try and maintain a friendship with. If you think there's a genuine risk of him showing this photo to someone we can talk about how to approach that situation, but right now the priority is keeping him as far away from you as possible.

[sky]

Yes I will look into something since you all think it would help and you’ve all stated it multiple times. I trust you people. So if you think it will be of benefit I will research more.

I just get nervous to block him. He says things like he’s stuck on me and he’ll never get over me. I’m really honestly just thinking about letting him do whatever he wants to me to make him realize I am not what he thinks I am. But the thought of him touching me after everything he’s said to me makes me want to cry and hide away.

I really do feel like I owe him something. I know that’s a bad way of thinking and that I don’t owe him anything. But he’s been trying so hard. And I just want a friend. But we can’t even be friends because I try and talk about my day when he asks and he’ll be like well I’m sure you looked hot and stuff like that. I’m like dude I told you a customer screamed at me and that’s what you have to say?

I feel like I’m a bad person for wanting to block him when all he’s done is try and be nice to me and be supportive.

[sky]

Okay he’s blocked. He’s text me 3 times today and he asked me if I work Saturday afternoon because he wants to see me. I haven’t responded once and he’s blocked now because he won’t leave me alone.

I hope everything ends up okay when he realizes that he’s blocked.

[Mo]

That's great; I think blocking him was the right call.

[sky]

Thanks Mo.

What if he shows up at work on Saturday how do I act? And what if he shows someone the picture? It’s not that bad it’s just something I don’t want anyone else to see.

[Mo]

Do you feel comfortable telling a manager or coworker a little bit about the situation? I don't think they need much information, but maybe you could say something like "I'm a little worried that someone who's been harassing me might try to stop by here to see me during my shift. I do not want to talk to him if he arrives, and if he asks about me I don't want anyone to tell him my hours or when I'll be here. Can you help me avoid him if he shows up?"

[sky]

I don’t. Because it just makes me look bad because I’m the dumbass who sent it. I just thought it would help.

I’ll just try and continue to work if I see him.

Should I just let him have sex with me? I feel like if he sees me for what I am he won’t like me. But also if I do, it’s like rewarding him and showing him that girls/I say no if they keep going then it means yes. I have mixed feelings about it. He wants to do it and I don’t want to do it but I wanna get off with another person. My aunt said not to because she thinks he’s a bad idea.

[Alexa]

Hey Sky - nice to meet you. I've caught up a little bit with what's going on with you and hope I can help.

Re: speaking to your manager, I don't think you have to tell them anything about the photos you took in order to tell them that there may be someone coming in who has been harassing you and makes you feel unsafe. You don't owe your workplace any personal information in exchange for asking for them to protect your safety. I think saying something like Mo suggested would be a great idea!

As for whether you should sleep with this guy - I think you know the answer to that question. And more importantly, I think your body, instinctually, knows the answer. Often when things are unhealthy for us, our body will tell us, and we will feel anxiety and/or discomfort around whatever that thing is. It sounds to me like this person makes you deeply uncomfortable and fearful for your safety already. I don't think being in a room with him, alone, in a vulnerable situation will make that better. It will likely make it worse.

I see that Heather and other folks here have suggested LGBTQ-friendly resources in your area - in addition to being great services, they can be a great place to meet other queer folks - even hot ones! If you're interested in hooking up with another person, that might be a better place to start in terms of scouting out your options. Many of those centers host or advertise mixers and other LGBTQ-specific events where you can make friends, etc.

[sky]

The stupid part of it all is that, it would be in his car. I’m tall I don’t think it would even work out correctly and it would just end up being more awkward because of that and awkward that I don’t even want to do it with him, or a cis male in general. He triggers a lot in me (in bad way). So yeah I do know the answer it’s a big fat NO I’m just being typical me.

Yes, I do wanna hook up but I’m definitely not ready for that. I mean I’m ready physically but definitely not mentally. My aunt keeps telling me my physical and mental health are important and I’m starting to believe her. I’ve been in situations where I was being forced into things I didn’t want and I didn’t do them and it backfired on me. I don’t want to be in that situation again so I just need to settle the fuck down.

When my anxiety gets better with therapy (going next month btw so I have time to save money) I’ll get into those things. I go outside to throw trash and to go to work and other then that going outside or in public for the last like 2 weeks has been incredibly hard, I do it because I have too but then I just feel like throwing up everywhere I go and can’t breathe. It’s gonna get better. I’m getting better. And then I’ll do things safer when I’m ready to actually get out and act on things. It’s something to look forward to.

Thank you, all of you