Not sure

[Heather]

Okay, so now you know that the next time you see your therapist you need to say to them when you have said here and initiate a conversation about it.

I get feeling angry and annoyed, but it is also important to bear in mind that it's a rare therapist who is going to be good at everything someone may want help with in therapy. More often, a therapist is going to have areas of extra education and skill, then things they're just fine at, but not amazing, and then often some things that are just outside their education, training or ability. Think of it, if you will, like you might think of a teacher: even great teachers aren't often great teachers with every possible subject: there are going to be some they're just okay at, or even some they just stink at. No one, in any profession, can be good at everything.

So, you'll always want to talk with a therapist, in an ongoing way, about what you're looking for in therapy and check in with them about what they feel able to do. If and when you really want to focus on something they say just isn't within their skillset, or that, for whatever reason, you find they're just not someone you find you feel comfortable working with with that thing, then you'll want to ask for a referral to someone else who CAN work on whatever that is with you.

But before anything else, you've just got to tell them -- ideally at the time, but if not, as soon as you can again -- when you feel like they aren't serving you.

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,

It was just a tough session I suppose, I wrote my last post in haste and anger. I apologise. I Have calmed down a lot after thinking things through a little more, I have booked another session with her but it's not for a couple weeks because she is on holiday, I will stick with it, I want to stick with it, I have my other therapy tomorrow so am hoping that one will go a little better.

[Heather]

Oh, wait: this is the same therapist who we already knew made clear with her responses and behaviour she wasn't someone you'd be likely to talk about sexual assault with?

If so, I'd just go ahead and stick to what we talked about regarding her before, in that if you still want to see her specifically for the grief work -- which is what she does -- you were seeing her for and that feels worth it to you, you should do that, but otherwise know she's just someone who has already made clear that sexual assault work isn't something she has the skills to do.

It sounds like it might also be worth rethinking if she's a good fit for you anymore, period, especially since it sounds like the second therapist is someone who is, and you also have the rape crisis counselor who is good with this, too. With two counselors who are both good with the assault stuff as well as other things, it just seems like you might want to think about if this third person offers you enough at this point and stage in your life, and with your current, rather than past, needs, to feel worth it for you based on how you've been feeling about her since your needs changed with the assault.

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,

I ditched the grief therapist a couple weeks back after she made it clear she didn't believe it was a good idea to see more than one therapist at a time and didn't believe in support from other sources either. She reacted badly to it and I decided not to see her again after you told me most therapist(good) therapists are aware that the more support you have the better especially if they don't have the right kind of experience/training on certain things.
The therapist I saw yesterday was the one I found to deal with my assault stuff alongside the rape crisis therapist (who both agree the more support I have the better as I have no family around to support etc) It's the first time with either of these therapists that I haven't mainly just sat there in silence and I think if I'm honest I was just more angry at myself, for letting some info out of my head and not getting the reaction I thought I was going to get (that's on my head, not hers, that's what I thought was going to happen after I let go of the fact I was having these nightmares/flashbacks etc) but as I said I have thought about it and as you said, I'll bring it back up with her next time if I feel the need to do so.
I have my therapy with rape crisis today so I'm hoping that will go better than the session yesterday.
I'm in massive meetings all day but work are being very supportive with the fact that I have to leave at certain times during my days for therapy which I feel is a step in the right direction from them, I am also aware that at any point during any meetings today or on other days I am able to take a break (we are discussing the contracts that was secured with HIM and the places we visited) today so I arranged my therapy session for after this meeting in case I had a hard time. Unfortunately it's something I have to discuss to move the business forward and have been putting it off until now.
I'm hoping that it won't be too bad and I'm hoping that having his name bouncing back and forward and reading through his notes etc won't be too much for me but if it is I'll just take a break and talk stuff through at therapy!

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

Glad to hear you adjusted who you were seeing when you felt like the grief therapist was not being supportive. And it sounds like you've got a pretty good sense of what you want to chat about today with the rape crisis therapist, which is great.

With the meeting at work, is there a way you can plan for some self-care (beyond therapy), either right after work or in the evening after you've seen the counselor?

[Tigger1]

Hi Sam,

Have probably had this explained to me before but am having a moment!
What do you mean by planning self care for after meeting/therapy?

Ive finished my first round of meetings and am just taking some time out before going into my meeting to discuss the contracts he helped me secure. Feeling anxious already so thought I'd grab a quick break to readjust my emotions.

[Sam W]

No worries! So, in this instance self-care would be something to help you relax or feel happy after having to do some hard stuff during the day. The specific activities are up to you and what makes you feel good

Glad you've got time to take a break in between meetings. Hopefully that will help make the day a little easier to get through.

[Tigger1]

Oh ok, yes sorry was def having a moment there!
Erm no I haven't planned on anything other than retreating back to my hotel room to be honest.
Yes the sun is shining in the uk today so am sitting outside people watching and chillin before this meeting starts. It appears I might have to return to the place where this all began, so am slightly freaking but at the moment it's only a night and will find out in his afternoons meeting!

[Sam W]

Then that's definitely something to do, maybe at the next break you get at work. It doesn't have to be anything big, just something that's going to help you unwind after a hard day.

If it does turn out that you have to go back to the location of this incident, something you can do is to talk with the rape crisis counselor about strategies for getting through the time that you have to be there. That can help during the time you're there, and it might also help with your anxiety leading up to the visit, because you'll know you have a plan.

[Tigger1]

Hey,

Yep only half hour into meeting and am already taking 5, mainly just to reply to you and be out in the sunshine,

So far this meeting isn't as bad as I was expecting but we haven't got into the nitty gritty of things yet.
Have booked therapy for 1 and half hour after my meeting tonight so will be able to talk things over there which will be a good thing.
I'm also going to bring up the stuff I tried talking to the other therapist about, mainly just to get it out of my head, I mean that's what therapy is about dealing with the things inside your head and the emotions you feel with it.
I've asked if one of my colleagues fancies grabbing dinner after the meeting so that I don't have to be on my own if I don't have/want to be. Thinking that being with someone else who knows about the situation is going to help tonight. If not then it doesn't but I can but try.

[Tigger1]

Hi,

I've just come out of the meeting, am very emotional and tearful all over again. Did take a couple of breaks during meeting.I have def got to return to the site, don't have much time either as I have to be there on Monday.....
We were reading through notes etc made by him and they contained information about how I conducted myself during site visits and stuff which I find rather odd.
I'm not even entirely sure I want to go to therapy right now or dinner or anything TBH. I'm just thinking about the notes and why he felt he had to write stuff about me. never before have I known notes about someone else to be included in a site visit. It's almost like he was trying to somehow cover his back before anything had even happened. If that makes sense. It's creepy and has made me feel even more confused and stuff.
I can't even really totally understand how I feel right now and not sure therapy is going to help that much today, I'm likely just to cry for an hour.

[Mo]

Finding notes about yourself absolutely sounds creepy, so I'm not surprised you feel confused and upset by it. I realize it's late enough where you are that by now you've already made the decision to go to therapy or dinner or not; I hope that whatever you decided turned out to be what you needed. I do think the point you made about therapy being a helpful way to get things out of your head is true, but you may find that journaling, freewriting, etc. helps with that as well. I sometimes find that just getting my feelings out can help clarify things or help me calm down.

[Tigger1]

Hi Mo,

I did go to therapy yesterday, it was an hour of crying and generally ranting about how I felt. I think I surprised the therapist because I didn't just sit there in silence! Even surprised myself, I didn't hold back on what I was feeling, I didn't go in there with any concerns about feeling rediculous for being there or what I was saying/feeling.

Yes reading notes about yourself and the way they were written both before and after the incident was very creepy, ..I'll share some with you but only because this morning I'm like WHAT!!! Before incident 'she has a very different view on the world, she has a vision and a creative side that is beyond my comprehension and nothing anyone has said or done during this visit has challenged her'
After; 'she conducts herself in a way that remains ever professional, she has not faultered on her outlooks and she has made incredible points and actions, I am glad Ive had the pleasure to work along side her, my career will be very different'
As I said WHAT!!!! I have never in my entire career had anyone right about me in their site notes! I've had performance reviews don't get me wrong but never have I come across stuff like this. Even the other people in the meeting were sitting their just shaking their heads. My PA actually broke the tension and said 'well at least now we have read them, hey let's just burn them! Strange man' which did break the tension in the room, I didn't feel like I was standing in the middle of the room with everyone staring at me. Because everyone was glaring at her instead. Then trying to have my reaction.

[Tigger1]

Hi
Sorry I just needed to rant.

So I spent the beginning of this week in the place where my assault took place. I far from coped with being back there, I did speak to my therapist on the first day I was there a couple of times.
Today though I am back in bed, trying to get through the things I'm feeling, it's not working overly well.
I've got so many things running though my head and I can't even pinpoint which one is getting to me the most.
Today I'm hurting, yesterday was a ok day but today not so much.
Being there made me think about the assault, then what happened afterwards and how I felt about all of that and it reminded me that I have court next month and then I started thinking about that and what that's going to be like.
Today I can only describe it is my head feels too full. I hurt again today and I'm not sure how to get around the hurt today.

[Carmen]

Hi Tigger1,

I am sorry all these feelings have been coming back and are weighing you down. What are some coping mechanisms that have helped you in the past lately?
Maybe something that will help you stay in the present? Maybe making a list of all those things running through your head on paper? (you could rank them on how much they are getting to you, or just tear the paper up afterwards!)

[Tigger1]

Hi,

I just went to sleep in the end, something I have also been struggling with of late. I slept for nearly 11hrs. First night in a good few weeks I haven't woken up during the night with a nightmare or whatever.
I started writing a list of how I was feeling and what I was thinking but it was getting more jumbled as I went along so decided to stop as it was making me more frustrated.
this whole process has a lot of ups and downs that's for sure.

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

Glad to hear you were able to get a good night's rest. I do want to say that, in a lot of cases, survivors avoid the place where there assault happened for a long time, and can find that they still have a reaction of some kind to it a year down the line. The reason I say that is that having to go back there when this is all so fresh took a lot of strength. And you got through it, even though it sucked. And it sounds like you utilized at least some of your support system while you were there, which is great. But you're right, this process is like the world's crappiest roller coaster. I can say that it does improve with time.

With the list you were trying to write, before it got jumbled, were there things that stuck out to you as the ones that are bothering you the most?

[Tigger1]

Hi Sam,

It sucked majorly but I DID get through it, two days behind me that I was able to come through.hopefully next time I return I will be more 'stable' and be able to view things in a different light.
Yer your totally on point when you say it's the crappiest roller coaster! It's horrible at times and powerful at others.
The list I started to write had a few things on it, (somethings I have only spoken to Heather about and am not comfortable discussing on boards! Sorry)
Others included how I felt being back there, how I felt OK and terrible all at the same time, the first day I didn't cope at all. The second day I did okish,
How I felt about court next month and how I feel about seeing him again.
And about how confused and guilty I feel about a situation even though logically I know it was the best thing for me.
Logic and emotions conflict in some major ways in my head at the moment. Logically I can still think about some things but then emotions get in the way.

[Sam W]

It can also help the frame the visit as knowing that you can get through having to be there (or having to deal with other things connected to the assault). Sometimes it can be really easy to build that stuff up in your head, adding a whole other layer of dread to the proceedings. But now you know it is something you can handle, even if it's not pleasant.

With that feeling of confusion and guilt around what happened, is that something you've had a chance to bring up with the counselors you've been seeing? (and no worries about having things you're not comfortable discussing here on the boards. That's totally okay, and something we want to respect )

[Tigger1]

After being there for a couple days, it did suck but I've kinda been trying to think about it as; it wasn't the place that hurt me, it wasn't the people I was going to see that made this thing happen and the person who did do it, wasn't there so couldn't do that again. I was there for a real purpose, something I have worked really hard on and a way to move forward in my line of work and so day one was full of panic and general horrible feelings and memories and day two was filled with me reminding myself about the above. It made the day feel a BIT better and slightly easier to get through and hopefully as I said next time I have to go back there I will feel more 'stable' (for want of a better word) emotionally and be able to just focus on the here and now rather than the past.

Erm no, I haven't told them about it, TBH, one of my therapists is now away and I won't see her for another week or so and my rape crisis therapist I haven't told because I wasn't entirely sure it would matter.
The confusion and guilt I am feeling is about the termination I had following my assault. I know logically that it was the best choice for me but emotionally it is just jumbled in along with everything else I've been trying to deal with and I wind up feeling guilty and confused along with the whole situation. Sometimes like yesterday it all gets a bit too much.

[Sam W]

I think that is an excellent way of framing that visit. Jedi high-five for thinking of it!

That's okay, it can be tricky when we're starting out with a counselor to work out what to share with them. I will say that the feelings you're describing are definitely something to talk about with the rape crisis counselor. They're a part of what you're feeling and how your brain is trying to sort out in the wake of the assault and fall-out from the assault. Plus, those feelings are clearly occupying some brain space for you, so it could be helpful to process them with someone who knows how to approach them.

How has the self-care search been going? Are you finding things that help you feel happier or calmer after dealing with issues around the assault?

[Tigger1]

Jedi high-five received

Self care isn't going great TBH. I'm struggling with even the smallest/easiest parts of caring for myself. I'm struggling to find healthy ways of dealing with this stuff. (Got angry the other day, ended up breaking me wrist) not what I meant to do.
I've tried a whole bunch of things. None of which seem to be 'my' thing ATM. Something might woke one minute and not the next. Right now I'm just trying to get through things minute by minute and keep fighting.

[Tigger1]

I know there probably isn't a sure fire way to self care or get through any of this and I know there isn't a time limit. I just get angry with myself when I'm having an OK moment or an ok day because I can't get my head around how one minute I can be OK, like nothing actually matters and I can see the good in my future and the positives and how even though it doesn't feel like it I have come a long way even in a couple of months. Then in the next minute I am at rock bottom again. Nothing obvious happens to make these not good moments happen, they occur at various stages in the day. Sometimes totally out of the blue. I know that's when I need to do the self care but in those moments I find it hard to get out of bed let alone do anything about how I'm actually feeling.
I know I have to do stuff to keep fighting this but at times I feel like it's just brain overload. Like I can't physically or emotionally think about anything else but what happened and that's the moments where self care kind of goes out the window.

[Sam W]

Self-care, I think, can sometimes be way trickier than it initially looks. Something that can sometimes help is to view self-care as having two basic categories. One type is much more about getting stuff that needs to be done, done, so that you feel better. That can be something like doing laundry, or scheduling a doctors appointment, or taking ten minutes to tidy up a room. It can feel weird to refer to chore-like stuff as self-care, but often doing those things helps you feel more in control of your space, plus gives you a little sense of accomplishment.

The other kind is more of what people think of with self-care. Stuff that's pleasurable or calming. One thing that I've found can work is to keep a list of small, fun things that I've been wanting to try. That list can literally be things like "try watching this T.V show" "This book looks neat, let's see if the library has it" or "this cafe supposedly has excellent cinnamon rolls. Must investigate." Having a list of new things to try can help in those moments when your brain feels like it can't remember any of the things it finds pleasant or wants to do.

You mentioned feeling like those mood shifts are coming out of the blue. That could be true, and certainly sounds exhausting to deal with. Would you be open to, essentially, doing a mood journal? So for a few weeks, write down when you experience a significant shift in your mood and as many things as you can remember that happened right before the shift (where you were, time of day, who you were with, etc). It may turn out that this is just your brain trying to sort out everything, but you may also start to spot patterns that were not immediately obvious.

[Tigger1]

Hi Sam,
I'm struggling with even the basic basic types of self care including eating and sleeping. I have an app that basically reminds me that I need to eat at least one square meal a day! And a couple other things along with that.
I am living in a hotel at the moment with not much around me to do, but Heather has given me some titles of books to be getting on with and I've been trying to read one of those. I will hopefully feel more settled when I'm not literally living in a hotel. I have made a plan to try and get down to the laundry room tonight (serious lack of clean clothes going on!) something I am yet to do and something I am hoping will get me out of bed, working from my room probably doesn't give me much encouragement to get out of bed either as I have everything I need here.
My mood can change minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day at the moment TBH. Sometimes I am on my own doing nothing and I'll have a sudden spate of energy where I'm ready to face the world head on and at other times I just can't be bothered to do anything but cry. I will start a journal to see if anything happens to initiate those mood changes though. For sure, right about now I'll try just about anything to feel more human again.