Not sure

[Tigger1]

Had my rape crisis counselling today, im not sure how I feel about this still. I know it's suppose to help but I find its just full of stuff that stirs emotions in me and as I can't face the whole self care thing. I'm not really sure what to do with them. It almost feels like I need a session after my session to deal with how the session made me feel.

I gave up in the whole doing laundry thing. Will try again with that tomorrow.
Now even sure what I want to do right now, I don't know where to put this (useless?) emotion and these (useless?) thoughts.

[Heather]

What has your counselor said to you when you have shared what you did here (in this post above) with them?

[Tigger1]

hi
To try and work out if those feeling will pass after a short time after the session. It might be a case of its given me an emotion that will pass or not and to get back in touch with her if that emotion doesn't pass because it might be my brain trying to think about something in more detail and that, that emotion might actually be important. It might mean there is something underlining it that I am not consciously expressing.

[Heather]

Okay, so you have the answer!

I'm not meaning to blow you off with this question, but it is really important to try hard not to take concerns with one source of help and support to another, and kind of triangulate them all. Ultimately, we want to do our best to bring our concerns about one kind of care and help we're getting to that kind of care and mostly keep them there, and go with what feedback about that care we get FROM that care to assure it is and stays care that is most beneficial and useful for us.

[Tigger1]

That makes sense.
Apologies I wrote on the boards before getting in touch with my therapist to ask that post from the other day. I don't want to triangulate anything. I know what I have to do now in relation to calling her and I'm good with doing that. We have agreed to have a wind down period after each session to discuss how my session made me feel. Given that they are still very loaded with stuff and going forward we want to work together after each session to make sure I'm in an ok mind set to leave and carry on with stuff from other sources.

[Heather]

No need to apologize to us: what I've said is really about you, and what is most likely to help YOU the most.

[Tigger1]

I get that

Heather is it possible to arrange a chat session with you at all this week please? I have some questions id like to ask you following our last chat and some other things I'd appreciate some of your feedback on! Thanks Tigger

[Heather]

Yep. Not at that part of my day yet (scheduling) but will get back to you this afternoon with some times.

[Tigger1]

Thank you. It's appreciated

[Heather]

Sure thing. This is linked in our chat information page, but not sure if it's been explicitly shared with you before: https://www.bookfresh.com/service/seatt ... /501402186

That's actually the easiest way -- and requires no waiting on me! -- to schedule a user chat specifically with me. You'll just pick the "Scarleteen user chat" option, then the day and time you want, and it shoots me the ability to accept that appt or not.

[Tigger1]

Oh ok thanks. I hadn't realised that. It would still be with you though right?

[Heather]

Yep.

[Tigger1]

Hi,
I have a question I'd like to ask if that's ok?!
How do I address a boundary issue with someone who I am sure just wants to help and support but is actually going in the opposite direction? IMO.
Instead of it coming across as supportive it's making me feel uneasy, harassed seems like too strong a word, I can't think of an appropriate one to describe it but harassed is almost there but it is kind of not helping with feeling controlled by someone and it brings up emotions that I felt when this all started.
I am not liking a lot of the stuff that's happening with this person st the moment and I'm not sure how to put up and say the things I need to say because I do feel I need them around and I need their support.

[Heather]

It's hard to give feedback with this without knowing more about what is actually happening.

How about if instead of trying to figure out what to call it, you just full us in on what is happening, as well as what outcome you're looking for with it?

[Tigger1]

So Sam suggested the other day that I start a mood journal. To see if my low moods had a pattern to them. I've only been doing this since Friday evening(I will continue doing this)
But I'm already seeing a pattern, on a few occasions where my mood has switched from being ok to feeling rubbish I have either spoken or been with one person.
At first I thought they were being supportive in being around a lot and being in contact a lot. Checking in to see if I was ok etc. But it's become a little too much. I feel that I can't do anything because when I don't answer the phone or whatever during a certain time frame they get concerned for my welfare and then go into overdrive. When the truth is I'm actually just busy. I went for a walk today and forgot my phone and it was like panic stations for them not me, I was quiet happy.
They have been asking me daily how my mood is and what I've done with myself during the day and if I say nothing major then I get this lecture about how I need to get out more and that there is no point hiding myself away. Which then makes me feel really bad because I have spent time in doors especially over the last couple days doing some self care (general basic stuff and more stuff I want to do) that makes me feel guilty. Then they offer to take me out and I don't want to go and they ask me if I'm in 'one of those moods' but I'm quiet happy just being inside reading my book or doing stuff I want to do.
When I spoke to them yesterday I was having an angry moment(I couldn't do something and I was getting frustrated), which they kind of jumped on and started asking me a bunch of questions about where I was, what I was doing etc etc and then I felt like I needed to explain all these things, it feels like I have no control. They said they knew something that would cheer me up and started talking about stuff im not comfortable with.
I'm not sure if what they are trying to do is be supportive and be here for me or what but it's making me feel uneasy, Like I've got to pick up the phone everytime they call or whatever because otherwise they worry. Then I feel unsure about them being around.
Up until now they have been really supportive and maybe I'm just reading too much into it but the last 24hrs have been a major turn around for me re myself, my feelings and how I feel about stuff in general and have managed some major self care. Which has made me feel really good for so many reasons. But when I speak to this person, it makes me doubt myself. It makes me sort of think about things I'm now trying not to think about because they bring it up.

[Tigger1]

Out come wise. I'd like them to be here. But just to back off a little bit. To stop worrying so much, I am just taking time out to do things and think about myself and to heal. Part of that includes putting down my phone/laptop/work or whatever and finding time for me and reflecting on me and my future.

[Heather]

Can I ask what your relationship was with this person before this? Were you very close (and mutually so)? For example, is this a long-term friendship or a family relationship?

Also, before this, have you felt like you've gotten an amount of both interaction AND space when it comes to them? Have they previously responded well to any boundaries you've set with them? Has this ever been an issue before?

Also, can I ask what you've tried already? Like, have you already asked them to stop when they have said something that is making you uncomfortable, or to call or text you less often? Of so, how has that gone? How about when you don't answer the phone when you don't want to, and leave them to manage their own worry (if they have it) rather than trying to manage it for them by answering the phone when you don't want to?

[Heather]

Also: do you want this person in your life? Not getting any sense on if any kind of relationship with them, at all, is something you actually want or not.

[Tigger1]

we have worked together since I was 17. I've described him before as like a brother to me but that doesn't feel right these days for one reason or another.
yer, he has respected boundaries I've set before.
I've tried asking for him to give me some space to just be. I've asked him to not worry so much and I've said I don't need babysitting as much now, I'm feeling stronger than I was even a few days ago and that I'm looking forward, I move into my new house very soon and have been focusing on that and so I can now see that things are moving forward for me, He said I am just 'hurting' and need to be around people who care and not to shut people out because that's not what I need right now. I'm not shutting people out, I have just started to be more occupied with my future and MY needs that that's my focus.
Yes I'd like for them to remain in my life, just in a way that isn't so controlled. In a way that respects how I feel and what I need and not what they think I need/want

[Tigger1]

I didn't answer the phone today whilst I was out, I got 4 missed calls, three texts and an email! I was only gone a few hours. I phoned him when I got back and said I was out doing stuff, he said he was glad I was still around and that he was worried about me.
I work with this guy and it's been my day off so I was like 'did you need something specific?' He responded 'no, I was only wondering if you were ok?' I replied 'yes thanks, been out doing bits and bobs and left phone on charge at home' he said 'what would of happened if you'd got into trouble or had a panic attack' which then made me think about the times of picked up the phone during these times and it made me feel bad. I ended up apologising for just forgetting my phone. Which is so so stupid! It's not like I did it on purpose.

[Heather]

Okay, so this is about someone -- if I have the person right, again, there's vagueness in all this that isn't helping me out to help and give feedback -- where your relationship recently had a big change, the kind that tends to result in people getting more invested and wanting to be more involved. So, that all by itself is something big in the mix here that just can't be dismissed.

But it also sounds like at least part of the issue is not about you setting boundaries they're not respecting, but you not setting those boundaries yet at all.

For instance, it sounds like after he called four times, you made an excuse rather than saying that you feel like he's calling you more often than you'd like, to the point you feel smothered, so could he please just make one call he makes, and either get you or leave a message, than wait for you to call him back, which could be hours, or even could be days.

You can't ask him not to worry, because those are his feelings, if he has them. And they're not also yours to manage, but his. All we can ask of people is about their behaviour, their actions. So, whether he's worried or not, what you're asking is for him to manage those feelings (if he isn't already) and not hound you by phone or other ways because HE feels worried. Make sense?

You can also make clear to him that it's really not his place to tell you how YOU are feeling, and that makes you feel controlled and uncomfortable (which is hardly surprising, it's super-patronizing when people do that). he can talk about how HE is feeling, but if he wants to know how you're feeling, he needs to ask you and accept your answers, not tell you about your own feelings. Same goes with it not being his place to tell you what you need: it's only for him to ask what you need, if he wants to know, listen and respect your answers.

Lastly, it sounds like you need to remind him that you don't want or need him to manage you, like by asking what you'd do if you had a panic attack. You can then give him an idea about what IS okay with you. In that vein, it might help to tell him you don't want a parent or a doctor or therapist in your relationship with him: you want a friendship between equals.

How do those feel as places and ways to start?

[Tigger1]

Hey
sorry about vagueness. Yep you have the right person.
I did try saying things after he contacted me so much yesterday, as I said I was only out for a few hours. Not sure he got it though. I said that he needed to realise that stuff will happen when I'm out and about. Things might indeed set me off but that's something I will have to deal with for a while yet and I will have to find my own way to deal with these things as they come. I told him that therapy and other sources of help were doing just that, helping. That he needed to back off a bit to enable me to heal and I can't heal from this if I'm being held back from doing things that scare me or whatever. That he didn't need to watch me 24:7 anymore and that if I needed help whilst I was out or even in, that I would find a way to obtain it or if I needed to I'd just come back again.

When he talks about the more loaded stuff I do freeze though. I can't help that part at the moment and that's when I think I feel like I need to set some massive boundaries but I cant. I go to a place of anger and panic and then I don't know what to say.

[Tigger1]

I will make a start with those that you have suggested though. Thanks. T.

[Heather]

Well, part of the issue here may be only trying to set boundaries when you're already triggered, which is always going to be more difficult.

How about instead arranging a time to talk about all this, and asking he just listen to all you need to say before talking? That way, you can draw all the lines you want to at a calm time, where you can prepare what you want to say in advance, and when you don't have him interjecting.

[Tigger1]

Hi,
Yes, I will try that. I have a day with him tomorrow so will be able to discuss more about things with him. Generally not liking the fact I have to set boundaries with him though.
I don't really know how to word things in a way that will be understood but not so I end up feeling all the things I feel once he starts making me feel uncomfortable.