Scarleteen

I personally think a week with things this big sounds unrealistic. I'd set the timeline more at gradual positive change -- if everyone is really working on that -- over years. And I'd suggest that in terms of figuring out what you need, you look at a timeline more like that.

I can't say what would make them feel better or worse about that, only they can. But I'd focus on what you think YOU need most right now. Is seeing your boyfriend something you want for yourself, and feel like would help you?

Yeah, I get instantly better when I spend some quality time with him. With "a week" I meant my parents sucking it up and treating me normally. Are you suggesting it will take years?

Yep. I mean, who knows, but this is big stuff, and clearly very loaded stuff in your family. People are generally just not capable of turning such giant stuff completely around within a week. Working through big family conflicts like this is far more often a gradual process -- and one with moves forwards, then back, then forward again -- that takes a great deal of time until it's close to being resolved as fully as it's going to be.

I think about something like this, as an example, much like someone coming out as queer in a homophobic family. In other words, something where your sexual ethics and worldview are clearly just worlds apart in some ways, and there's a good deal of growth on everyone's part that likely needs to happen, including growth in places where people previously felt they had no reason to grow or did not want to.

I didn't say this, any of this, to depress you or make you feel defeated, and I really hope it didn't have that impact. I said that more so you can look at the kind of scope and timeline you're more likely dealing with to best figure out what you need and will need to work this through, to be okay, and to plan your own life.

You're right, and I am not depressed by your sayings (no more than I am with the situation overall), in fact, I am glad someone is guiding me and showing me the reality.
I just dont want to lose my sexual life for that long I will definetely continue to have sex with my boyfriend even while my parents aren't 100% ok with that, because stopping it would damage my relationship for sure.

So, what I hear you saying is that one thing you want and need in your life throughout all of this is to remain feeling free and able to maintain the sexual relationship you want.

What that means, then, is that that is one of the things for you to think about when you're working out what you want and need -- and how -- to manage all of this. And by all means, I certainly think that if sex is something you want, your parents not being 100% okay with it (which they may be someday or not, so I'd not make that a condition with your own plans and strategies) doesn't have to mean you don't get to have that. It just means you need to figure out how you can feel okay having sex as part of your life without their approval.

That's exactly what I want. To be free. I am a very sexual being and I feel like sex wires me with the mind of my partner, I just can't describe it but it makes me feel alive.
Wouldnt that be hiding? Sneaking out to have sex away from them so they won't know it's happening? Or it is privacy, since I already told them I am sexually active and so decided to be.

By all means, I'd say a lot of people who enjoy their sex lives find that they make them feel alive and vital and are part of how they enjoy living. I get it, and I think that's a very good thing.

Since you have been honest with them that this is part of your life, I don't see how this is hiding. Indeed, I see continuing to engage in sex without talking more to them about it as privacy.

And really, I think it's safe to say most people, and almost everyone in at least some way, do not detail their sexual lives to their family members, especially parents. That just tends to be a pretty common boundary in families. By all means, some families have fewer of those boundaries, and when that's healthy, we're talking about families who are highly relaxed about sex and sexuality, rather than rigid or strongly opinionated or judgmental. But you, clearly, are not a member of a family like that.

So, not only is it always okay -- or it should be considered that way in healthy families, anyway -- for family members to choose not to share the details of their sexual lives in families, there are plenty of families whose attitudes about sex, or approaches when that information is shared, clearly aren't emotionally safe places for that kind of sharing, or aren't at a given time. I think we can both agree that you've found out that in your family, sharing even the most basic of information is something you've learned isn't workable with your family right now.

Ultimately, family members sharing very personal things, like aspects of their sexual lives, with each other should be something people share because it feels like it benefits them and is something they want to share because that gives them a closeness in their families that feels good to them. When sharing something optional to share, like sex, clearly isn't beneficial, and makes you feel more distant rather than more close, then you have strong evidence that NOT sharing is probably the way to go moving forward.

Ok, I feel a lot better and less guilty now. I will just keep on living as I always have and dating as always, then.

I need urgent help... I got those emails from my dad and mom today. There will be talking when I get home and I am just PANICKED.

It's google translated but I think you could take a look to help me with my speech:
"dad:
The best for everyone, including Isabela, is that she behaves responsibly, discreetly, and respecting herself, within the parameters of what she learned or should have learned, with examples and values ​​we pass to her .
Even I would like her to read these email we exchanged today, do it when it arrives, for her to review and give her opinion to us because it's time she became closer to us.

From: mom
Sent: Monday, March 02, 2015 10:36 AM
To: dad
Subject: Re: Re: It's what I wanted to tell you ...

In the part of "the times we make mistakes," I blame myself a lot for what happened, I think I gave, gave too much freedom, to avoid doing as my parents, I think I just made ir easier to her to have sex. I'm in conflict with myself, I do not know if I should accept it for good, if I find it a horror, if I see it naturally, just know that I look at her and remember the conversation in which I almost had a stroke! I wonder what will be going forward. It will be an easy girl? Or will she be a girl who will know how to deal with their sexuality within our parameters, without harming what we think, being discreet, following family rules of conduct. Finally !!!! With her everything is very difficult to achieve. I'm afraid she gets at a point in which she wants to live together with her bf, travel, etc ... There! I Give Up.
And during the our 1 month trip when we'll be off? She thinks she's self-assured, but we know that's NOT quite it. Help me! To a little lost in this subject for a while ... .! I think I should never have talked to her!

On Mon 02/03/15 08:54, dad wrote:

Good thing she understood the essence of this message, I think our role we are doing, sometimes even made some mistakes, but in most cases we do well, and hope not only to Isabela, but also to her sister to understand that we beside them always, supporting, encouraging, pulling their ears when necessary, all this because we love them, but decisions will be their responsibility.
Kisses



I'm speechless.

Hi Itsmeisa,

Okay, let's start out with what you want your parents to understand or respect about you in this conversation. You don't necessarily have to have a big speech prepared, but it might help to have a sense of the things you want to emphasize to them. And, as Heather said, it might be best to air on the side of keeping actual details private, since that's pretty normal when/if we discuss sex with our families.

Oh man. Those emails are rough.

They are, indeed... I found them machist and narrow minded, but I'll keep it to myself.

Well, I want to point out that that's a choice I've made and there's nothing wrong with being sexually active since it's done responsabily and with someone I love. I was also thinking and not being too stubborn on my ideals and aggreeing with them on the respect for their views part and not being an "easy girl" part... they don't have to know if I'll have casual sex some day, that's my privacy. I would like to focus on the safe sex matter, the choice and the naturality of being sexual + aggreeing with respecting them at their house (aka not doing it at home) and "respecting myself"...
Would that be a good strategy? I guess if I go for it and fight for what I think it's right, they will freak out even more because it will state that they have completely lost control over me. I'd rather keep their ignorance as a blessing in order to keep peace... doing it their way.

The worst scenario for me would be controlled and kept from doing as I please to my body.

If you feel up to it, I'd suggest that they not share their communications between the two of them with you like this. I'd suggest that when they communicate with you about any of this, it's communication they intend to be for you, not for each other that they then pass on to you secondarily. Personally, I'm not a fan of what they have done here, for a lot of reasons, whatever their intentions in doing so were. And at the very least, you deserve talks and communication with them meant for you, with them putting their energy into communicating with you, not hand-me-downs from their communications between themselves.

I think what you're saying here all sounds good, and strong to me, and you might want to pair it with an ask for some boundaries.

You know, a lot of this conversation is reminding me of an advice question I just wrote a column on last week. Why don't you have a look at it so we have some more thoughts and ideas to bounce off of each other here?

It's here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... l_controls

By the by, I do just want to inject that some of us ARE some people's ideas of "easy." Some of us do have, for instance, multiple partners, sex outside of and without marriage (some of us never get married by choice and have sexual partners with no-marriage as a given, even). But the idea that that means we are not good people, or something is wrong with us, or we lack ethics or morals isn't a sound one. By all means, if those choices don't feel right for you or what you want, then you don't have to make those choices. But even if you did, that would not mean you had less value as a person or were without morality or self-respect, okay?

Perfect article, thanks. I'm going home soon and I'll try my best to survive the talk by using the article's arguments. I know, I consider myself easy when I'm not in a relationship because I've had casual sex with a few partners before and that's fine. I didn't meant to sound judgemental by any means. I'll post again when I have some news after the talk, good luck for me!

Well, it's okay to be "easy" if it...well, feels easy and is okay by you. Just like it's okay not to be if it doesn't.

Good luck with this talk. And props to you for being so strong in yourself with this, I know it's got to be very challenging. I think you're doing a great job.

There was no talk. my mom was busy yesterday and today she have just gone with me to the obgyn, who prescripted me birth control and did a pap smear to make sure I didnt have a STD. When we were leaving the clinic, she hugged me and told me she want me to be happy. That's a good thing for now.

I very much agree: that's a very good thing. And hey, sometimes small but very kind and meaningful gestures do just as much as talking things though can when it comes to the emotional result. Obviously those don't really work through issues specifically, but they can certainly do a lot when it comes to cultivating a better environment for those talks when they DO happen.

I'm really glad to hear she did that.

Yeah. Peace is being restabilished little by little. Thank you so much for supporting me, you were great!

Well, I'm very glad that we could/can be here for you in this. It would certainly suck a lot more to go it alone!