Scarleteen

I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place. I didn’t want to do it. I just wanted to feel wanted and I thought that I wanted to meet a guy to have sex with but I don’t wanna have sex and I don’t wanna be with a guy at all. That girl saying stay straight really fucked with me.

I don’t know if that answered your question but I just knew I shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place. I think it was a hypomania thing. The guilt I felt the next day was absolutely unreal. You know the worst part? I thought he was a gentleman. I literally told him he’s such a sweet guy… I was gonna not block him because he didn’t even ask for pics. He didn’t ask me to say anything to him sexual. I thought it was good and he was a good guy

It sounds like you are having an unfortunate string of downright mean and disrespectful interactions, I’m sorry! Consent is necessary not just for physical sexual experiences, but with sexual conversations and “sexting”, as well. Even if you “knew you shouldn’t have been doing it”, it’s not at all okay what he did. Do you mind sharing why “you shouldn’t have been doing it”?

I want to acknowledge the amazing work you are doing to set good boundaries and taking steps to become more confident knowing what you want out of dating and sex. As a side note, you don’t owe it to anyone to tell them that you are a virgin. If you feel like it’s helpful to share, you definitely can, but you don’t have to!

I hope your therapy intake appointment went well today! (If you want to share, we are here to listen!)

I shouldn’t have been doing it because I know it’s self harm. I know that I don’t like men yet I continue to let them use me. I’m not the smartest but I’ve been trying. It’s been hard, really hard. I didn’t think you needed consent for sexting well I always ask others for consent when im actually speaking back about it but I wasn’t this time and sometimes I forget I matter. Sometimes I just see myself as a vagina and nothing else.

Therapy went AMAZINGGGGG. She told me im not my diagnosis’ and no ones ever told me that before and it was incredible to hear. She was so kind and supportive. She told me im grieving my childhood and I also realized im dissociating a lot. She was great. I loved it and I go again next week

Sky!

SKY!

YESSSSS!

I just read this about the therapy and let out a very big whoop. I’m not even into work yet, but this just made my whole freaking day. Oh, what wonderful news, and what a relief. I am so, so glad to hear this, I can’t even.

Thank you for being so supportive!!!!

If I’m being honest I’m feeling very I think triggered today? I feel so sad and I also don’t think I can afford it. I don’t know if I want to keep going. I’m shutting down and I feel awful today as the day passes

I’m sorry I’m being negative, I promise I’m not trying to be. I think I just got triggered from thinking about things. She brought a lot to my attention and it’s just hard to swallow I guess.

Hey, sky.

I'm only approving this post of the ones you have outstanding. I think you may remember that we lack the capacity as an organization to handle the other issue you brought up, and also that I, in particular, really am not safe to work with that topic. However, since you have now retained a therapist, that is absolutely the right person to disclose those kinds of feelings to. In the event that you don't want to and prefer a different resource, hotlines meant for those kinds of feelings would be my next best suggestion. I'm very sorry you're having those feelings, but they're simply not something we or I have the capacity to help with ably and safely.

In terms of what you're talking about here, I'm not surprised you're feeling this way, nor about the other feelings you're having. Per my observations in knowing you in the way I do from your history here, this falls to a pattern of self-sabotaging. I'd also say it goes to a pattern of not trusting when things have actually gone well.

My best suggestion is to go ahead and just let yourself have these feelings. There's nothing wrong with having conflicting feelings about this. Write them down, maybe see if you can't even write a little deeper than you have here. The next time you see this therapist, they could be something very good to share to help her get to know how this tends to go for you.

I get that it sucks to feel this way, to feel this ping-pong of feeling better than feeling so much worse. I also get that it sucks to have to sit with feeling uncomfortable, rather than doing things to try and make it go away, but I think we can probably agree that that's what often gets you (and any of us, not just you!) into trouble or harm.

(And yep, that too!)

Are you mad at me? I promise it’s okay feelings I won’t actually do it. I’ll admit myself before I ever do that. I’ll be okay I just don’t want you mad at me or upset with me

Nope!

I’ll take therapy one week at a time money wise. I want to get better so I’m going to try. I have to give myself a chance

Hi sky, I just wanted to pop in and share some thoughts if that's ok.
First off, I'm so glad the initial meeting with this therapist went well, that's huge. I think it's great to come at this from a perspective of wanting to put in the effort so you can get better, and wanting to give yourself a chance.

I went through a pretty intense treatment this summer for some mental health stuff that required me to rearrange my entire schedule (I even had to take a break from Scarleteen, which was tough for me to do!) and put a lot of time into office visits. I had to spend SO much time thinking about how I was doing, which was exhausting and stressful. I struggled a lot with wondering if it was even worth it to do something that took up a lot of time and inconvenienced some other people.

In the end, it wasn't effective enough, so now I'm planning to try another treatment in the new year. It sucks to go through this again, but I think this time around I'm doing a better job of being able to tell myself "I really do deserve the chance to feel better." And so do you! I understand that going through the process of getting your hopes up a little and having to confront what's going on can be really tough, but it's such a good step to take. You absolutely deserve the chance to work with someone and get that help.

It’s just hard for me to have all of this coming up because I always had to hide my feelings because they didn’t matter when i was a kid and now I’m older and can feel my emotions and I’m not sure how to feel them or speak about them, it’s incredibly hard.

Also, what did you mean when you said I don’t owe it to anyone to disclose my virginity. I’m afraid people will be angry if I don’t tell them sooner. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no positive relationship for me so I have to settle and be treated like shit because I can’t accept love and kindness because I feel like I don’t deserve it. It’s gonna be a long and shitty road but I want to be loved and love so I’m gonna have to suffer.

Hi sky!

I hear what you're saying, and I can appreciate just how hard it must be to get in touch with your feelings as an adult, after having had them consistently sidelined in childhood.

Would you mind elaborating on why you're afraid people will be angry if you don't disclose your virginity to them? We can talk about your feelings regarding the possibility of accepting love and kindness after we discuss this a little bit.

Because I don’t know what I’m doing. If I am not good and can’t give them what they need then they will be mad at me and abuse me

That's a very intense fear, and I can see why it would be causing you so much anxiety. One thing that may be helpful to remember is that the vast majority of people will roll with the level of sexual experience a partner has, and even the ones who get weird about things like inexperience are generally just jerks about it, not abusive. Too, a lot of people understand that there's a learning curve with a new partner, regardless of whether that partner has other sexual experiences; after all, a sexual experience with one person doesn't tell you much at all about what another person will like or what boundaries they'll have.

Something I'd suggest is bringing these fears up with your therapist; I know you've mentioned therapy being intense and intimidating at times, but it's also the kind of space where you can voice your worries and feelings and have someone work through them with you in a way that can actually help you address them.

Sex had always been taboo for me growing up. Talking about it is really hard for me. I’ll try to though.

I have a date with a guy I’ve been taking too on Wednesday and he’s super sweet and all about consent and he’s planning a date for us and I’m nervous but excited because I do like him without forcing myself. He’s taken things really slow. He’s been great. No one is supporting me on it. Everyone’s mad because they don’t think it’s safe because we met online and because “im gay” I’ve been trying to explain that sexuality is fluid and I’m not really about gender I’m more about person and no one believes me and no one engage to be happy and accept that I’m happy and like this guy and am excited.

I promise I’ll be safe. I’m not planning on having sex or doing anything like that, I am bit ready for that I just wanna meet him and at most make out even though I don’t know how too

Hey there, sky.

I'm not sure who "everyone" is, but I'm wondering if you have any thoughts about why you feel like you need to bring this to other people for approval and validation, including here? I have my own thoughts I'll share, but I also think that there's value in you having your own thought process around this.

I'm not concerned about your safety. I know that you know how to take care of yourself in this way. I also wholly respect your right to make whatever choices you want to make about who you date, be it about gender or anything else.

However, this date and some of what you're saying here does stand in very direct conflict with what you said just days ago here about what you want and don't want, for yourself. Just a few days ago, on the 4th, at the top of the page here, you were very clear that you "don't want to be with a guy at all."

I suspect one reason you're bringing this around to people is that *you* don't believe you about this, and that this doesn't feel in alignment with what you want, and so bringing it to others is kind of like trying to convince yourself. I can be wrong on this -- you're the expert on you, not me! -- but that's my gut feeling. And I think that some of the "Huh?" people might be voicing is because a) you are bringing it to them for evaluation in the first place, leading them to believe you are asking them for that, which seems valid, and b) because it doesn't seem in alignment with what you have said you want and don't want.

So, the long story short is, I'm curious about what you're looking for with this post: what are you seeking, what do you feel like you need? And if you look deeper down, maybe, what's there? Do you have any concerns that there's something like hypomania or loneliness or something else not-great in the mix given this seems in conflict with what you've been pretty clear about wanting and not wanting?

I'm afraid that I have to drop that and go, because I'm heading out for the day, but I didn't want to leave you hanging here. I also want to be clear about something: I don't think anyone is harmed by going out on a date. I mean, seriously, a date is just going and hanging out with somebody, it's not a promise, and there shouldn't be any agenda besides "I
'll hang out with you as long as I want to," so seriously, unless any part of it feels like self-harm, or like it plays into something that isn't good for you or sets you back? Meh, a date. Whatever. (Plus, it's 2021. Fears about meeting online as a general thing are silly: we all meet at least half of who we meet in every respect online anymore.) But I'd just think about those things I asked, and maybe suggest you focus more on your own reflection with all this than on seeking a ton of outside input, too. <3

I don’t know what to say. Thank you? I do want to be with him I guess. I don’t know. I’m lonely and I want to be touched. That’s all I want. I want non sexual intimacy. Well I wanna make out but that’s not really overly sexual. I don’t know. I think he’s ghosting me anyways so I don’t think it matters how much I wanted to go because I don’t think it’s going to happen anyways. I’m gonna try hard to bring this stuff up in therapy Thursday I’m just not sure how too. I know you told me how but I’m not a very good advocate for myself so I’m not sure.

Of course.

I think that all sounds very honest and real, and also really unsurprising. It sounds like what a lot of people want, no less!

One way to do it with therapy that might be helpful is to write it down and hand it to your therapist as a note to start the discussion. That can be a way to get discussions started that are otherwise difficult when you have trouble saying things out loud.

But also, this is only going to be your second visit. If you don't get to things that are really challenging for you by visit two? Well, jeez, turns out you're a mere mortal. You have time, and you get to do this at something besides a superhuman pace.

I’m sorry for wasting so much of you guys time.

Hey, sky. I'm about to be off for a few days, but I saw your last couple posts in moderation. I'm going to leave them there, for reasons I think you probably understand, but there is part of one of them I feel comfortable engaging with. I also don't want you sitting with this idea if you don't have to.

No one is a shitty daughter/son/child for not being who our parents want us to be when it comes to our orientation (or most other things, for that matter, but let's start with this since that's where you centered this). For one, that's outside our control, so the idea we'd be shitty for say, being gay, is akin to the idea that we'd be shitty for having naturally brown hair if they had hoped it were blonde, or were short when they wanted us tall.

If a parent is disappointed in us for not being straight and let's us know that? Well, I gotta tell you, the shittiness is on them. Because that way of thinking? That IS changeable. That behavior? That's also a choice. Parents are supposed to accept us for who we are as people, especially the parts we can't control. They're certainly not supposed to make us feel bad about not being who they wanted, and if they do, that's their failing as parents, not ours as their children.

Now, maybe something you might have to learn is how to let go of some of that need for your parent's approval -- I don't know enough about what's going on to know how much of this is her putting this directly on you and how much is you opening yourself up to it, or just wanting that approval so bad, you know? You might also need to learn to create some boundaries you haven't, or some distance. Sometimes one of the hardest parts of growing up is letting go of what we have been waiting on from our parents, hoping they'd give us -- love, approval, pride, whatever -- and accepting that we just might not, or absolutely will not, be getting as much of that, or sometimes even any of it. It can be heartbreaking as hell, but often not as heartbreaking as endlessly holding out for it, you know?

Hang in there, pal. Hold unto yourself, as you are, for yourself. You're worth it, I assure you.

Hey heather. I haven’t been ignoring you. Everything just went to shit. My mental health is so bad right now I took a leave from work and am getting my meds adjusted again. I almost admitted myself on Sunday. I talked to my therapist about a lot of this stuff and she reminded me that a lot of people don’t like their first time and don’t know what their doing so me just rushing to have sex when I don’t want too isn’t going to show me anything I don’t already know. I identify as just bisexual but like 90% women 10% men lol. I wasn’t mad or anything about what you said I just shut down. I appreciate you so much. I’m working on this in therapy and little by little I’ll be okay one day

You don't owe me (or anyone here) ;posts or responses, no worries. I'm sorry for the reason you were gone, though, and I'm glad that you're doing what you can to care for yourself as best you can. <3

I think it's also really great that you feel able to claim more of what your own unique queerness is, I know that it's really challenging for you. Same goes with being in a tough mental health space but still going back to a therapist, still caring for yourself, all of this. It so sucks when you get to a place (I mean the proverbial you -- you, me, any of us with big challenges) where you're like, "I HAVE IT TOGETHER" but as you're yelling that you're like, "I HAVE IT TOGETHEEEERRRRR---" and maybe dropping off a cliff at the same time and then not having it together at all and having to pick it all the eff up and start over. And over. And over. I've been there, I know that slog, and it blows. I tip my hat to you at your fortitude in keeping on!