Reconnecting With Someone

[MusicNerd]

UPDATE: We talked and they expressed how their life still feels up in the air and how they’re not in a space to date and how they wanna be friends.

To be honest, I was expecting to feel more bummed out about it than I am…. but I don’t? I feel a sense of closure and relief, especially since they apologized for how they ended things too.

So idk, I’m just glad to know where I stand, and I feel able to fully open up to other people dating-wise instead of mulling over “what if’s” with this person, you know?

[Urna]

Hi MusicNerd,

This is great news, thanks for the update! It's lovely to hear that your response to their state of mind was closure and relief, and it's even better that you feel free now to immerse yourself fully in dating other people. Good for you!

[MusicNerd]

Hi Urna, thanks! They let me know to reach out to them if I wanted to hang out again, but I’d feel awkward seeing them once a week (I typically don’t see the same person every week unless we’re dating— like I change which friends I hang with each week). Maybe I’ll wait a while.

Also, last week they had invited me to a get-together at their place for sometime next month… So yeah, idk: feels kinda awkward, so maybe I’ll just wait a week or two before deciding whether or not to reach out.

[Sofi]

Yeah, perhaps just sit on it for a bit and see how you're feeling. You don't want to rush into something you don't feel ready for. You're doing great!

[MusicNerd]

Thanks, Sofi! I appreciate it. Yeah, they also seem super busy, so I’ll give them some space for a little while.

[MusicNerd]

Hmm, now that I’ve realized I have to start back at square one when it comes to dating, and that it won’t be with this great person, I feel a bit bummed… Not to an extreme degree, but like enough for it to make me pretty freaking hopeless— you know? I didn’t expect to cry today, but here we are! haha

I’m trying to remind myself that just because I feel hopeless about dating, doesn’t mean it will actually be hopeless for me; but it’s hard to remember that, especially since I have yet to be in a romantic relationship in my late 20s (lots of life circumstances before this point kept me from finding a stable relationship).

[Siân]

Hey MusicNerd,

You know, I think it's okay to feel bummed for a moment and grieve what might have been. It just shows that you cared, which I actually think is a hopeful thing - you've shown that there are great people out there that you can feel excited about. Sure, this time it didn't work out but there will be next times.

I get that it can feel hopeless sometimes, but you're absolutely right: just because it feels hopeless doesn't mean it IS hopeless. Maybe that feeling is telling you to put your energy somewhere else for a while and come back to dating when it feels fun and exciting again? What do you think?

[MusicNerd]

Hey MusicNerd,

You know, I think it's okay to feel bummed for a moment and grieve what might have been. It just shows that you cared, which I actually think is a hopeful thing - you've shown that there are great people out there that you can feel excited about. Sure, this time it didn't work out but there will be next times.

Hi Siân! Yeah, that's a good point. It's just that this person was the closest to all the things I've been looking for in a long-term partner, and those feelings were reciprocated at a certain point in time... just really sucks that the timing is off, since I haven't felt this strongly about anyone before. (Also, who knows if it really is just timing or if it's lack of interest in me instead-- they have taken on some new jobs, and are working about 5 jobs now, which I had no idea about until we talked recently. Sounded super overwhelming when they told me about it, and I hope they get through it okay. So, it could actually just be timing, but who knows.)

I hope there will be some chances to find equally great people that I'm attracted to -- who are emotionally available and ready to be in a relationship with me -- in the near future, but I'm currently not too optimistic about my chances.

I get that it can feel hopeless sometimes, but you're absolutely right: just because it feels hopeless doesn't mean it IS hopeless. Maybe that feeling is telling you to put your energy somewhere else for a while and come back to dating when it feels fun and exciting again? What do you think?

Yeah, I think I might take a break from dating too. Not sure if I'll feel as excited about dating as I did with them; but maybe in the new year, sometime next month, I'll regroup and think about trying to date again.

[MusicNerd]

(Forgot to add: At one point in our last conversation, I accidentally let it slip that maybe we could revisit this at some point in the future. They said yes, but: 1. I’m sure they said that just to be nice and 2. I’m kicking myself, because I’m sure I sounded so desperate, and I’m also not trying to wait around for them when they’ll likely move on to other people, you know? Okay, I’m done rambling. lol)

[Sofi]

Honestly, what you're going through (including all the anxiety around it) is super normal - you're definitely not alone in this. Even I can personally relate as I didn't have a serious relationship until my late 20s and it happened out of NOWHERE when I least expected it (I had been wanting one, just didn't have high hopes, like you're feeling now). A break might be good but just go with whatever feels right, if you want to keep trying to meet new people and date, and that excites you, go for it (I also know it's hard during covid--that's when mine happened too! Lots of virtual talking at first haha). If you feel you're not quite ready then definitely take a step back until it's enjoyable again. You're not desperate for what you said to them! I just don't want you to hold onto this future possibility and not allow yourself to move on and find happiness, whether alone or with someone else.

[MusicNerd]

Honestly, what you're going through (including all the anxiety around it) is super normal - you're definitely not alone in this. Even I can personally relate as I didn't have a serious relationship until my late 20s and it happened out of NOWHERE when I least expected it (I had been wanting one, just didn't have high hopes, like you're feeling now).

Really?? Oh wow, I’ve never met anyone who’s been in a similar situation to me re: having a first relationship until their late 20s. Gives me some hope that you’ve been where I am, including the feelings around it, but it managed to work out.

You totally don’t have to answer this if it feels too personal, so just let me know! But I’m wondering: how did your partner react when they found out they were your first relationship at your age? I’ve had people judge me for my lack of relationship experience (except for this person that this thread is about, which is another reason why it sucks things couldn’t work out between us).

A break might be good but just go with whatever feels right, if you want to keep trying to meet new people and date, and that excites you, go for it (I also know it's hard during covid--that's when mine happened too! Lots of virtual talking at first haha). If you feel you're not quite ready then definitely take a step back until it's enjoyable again.

Yeah, dating during covid is wild!! lol I just got the booster shot yesterday, because of the rise in cases from this new variant. Such a crazy time we live in right now!

Yeah, I think I’ll start dating again once January rolls around. Just need a little bit of a break for now.

You're not desperate for what you said to them! I just don't want you to hold onto this future possibility and not allow yourself to move on and find happiness, whether alone or with someone else.

Yeah, you’re right. I’m hoping I can still move on while being friends with them— they seem to want to be friends really badly (like being proactive about texting and hanging out), but I was expecting us to only occasionally talk/hang, you know? Idk it feels confusing.

Either way, you’re right— I don’t want this to keep me from moving on to meet new people, since there are lots of queer people in my city and I’d like to think that at least one of them could be a good match.

[Sofi]

I definitely had a couple people I went on dates with act a bit weird about me not having been in a serious relationship in my 20s, so it does happen like you said, unfortunately. But my current partner is actually younger than me and I think that helped because he'd only been in one relationship previously. The fact that I'd been single so long didn't mean anything to him, no judgment or anything on his part. He understands it and accepts it, and he's patient in times when I'd be like "I don't know what I'm doing", so it made the waiting worth it. There are DEFINITELY people out there who won't care about that and won't see you differently because of it. As far as your friend, perhaps you can set some boundaries if it feels like it's too much. Or you can set your own pace by being less responsive, not in a rude way of course, but just spacing out how often you talk. Right now things seem like a lot, but taking steps for your own peace of mind is the best you can do for yourself!

[MusicNerd]

I definitely had a couple people I went on dates with act a bit weird about me not having been in a serious relationship in my 20s, so it does happen like you said, unfortunately. But my current partner is actually younger than me and I think that helped because he'd only been in one relationship previously. The fact that I'd been single so long didn't mean anything to him, no judgment or anything on his part. He understands it and accepts it, and he's patient in times when I'd be like "I don't know what I'm doing", so it made the waiting worth it. There are DEFINITELY people out there who won't care about that and won't see you differently because of it.

Aww, your partner sounds sweet! I’m glad you were able to find someone understanding of your dating history. It gives me hope on that front too that maybe there are more people than I realize who would be okay with it.

Also, interesting that you say your partner’s younger than you— I had specifically been ruling out people in their early to mid 20s, because I assumed they’d be more likely to judge me for my lack of relationship experience... Maybe I shouldn’t totally rule them out!

As far as your friend, perhaps you can set some boundaries if it feels like it's too much. Or you can set your own pace by being less responsive, not in a rude way of course, but just spacing out how often you talk. Right now things seem like a lot, but taking steps for your own peace of mind is the best you can do for yourself!

Yeah, I think being less responsive and spacing out conversations might be the move.

It’s like as soon as I got back into their life (like after we first met up for coffee), they’ve wanted to introduce me to their friends and hang out and talk a bunch and it’s kinda overwhelming.

Not sure why they’re doing all this, but thank you for reminding me that I get to set the pace even for friendships.

[Mo]

Sometimes it's definitely good to remember you can set a pace for friendships that feels good to you!!
And if it helps at all, right now I have a lot of friends in their late 20s who have had few to zero dates/relationships before and who are struggling with feeling weird or self-conscious about it. Not that knowing this necessarily makes things easier, but the thing I do always want to remind people is that while it can be so easy to feel alone in this situation, it's not at all uncommon.

[MusicNerd]

Sometimes it's definitely good to remember you can set a pace for friendships that feels good to you!!
And if it helps at all, right now I have a lot of friends in their late 20s who have had few to zero dates/relationships before and who are struggling with feeling weird or self-conscious about it. Not that knowing this necessarily makes things easier, but the thing I do always want to remind people is that while it can be so easy to feel alone in this situation, it's not at all uncommon.

Yes, thank y’all for reminding me that I get to have boundaries and set the pace for friendships too! Also, does make me feel somewhat better to know that it’s not totally uncommon to have zero relationship experience at my age. I’ve been on more dates than I can count over the years, but no real relationship yet. Hopefully that changes at some point in the near future!

[Sofi]

Definitely don't count out people in their early-mid 20s, you never know! And I'm with Mo, I know several people who are or were in our position. I'm glad you feel ready to set boundaries with your friends too. Best of luck with all of this and if you ever need us we'll be here <3

[MusicNerd]

Hi! Just figured I’d send y’all an update about my situation: my friend and I have decided to try dating each other again now that we’re at better places in our lives!

We’re taking things slow (sexually, labeling a relationship, etc.) since they are still busy and have a habit of rushing into relationships, and I have a habit of running away from relationships. We’ve both been very committed to our own growth in these areas though, and breaking these patterns, which I really appreciate.

This is legit the healthiest dating situation I’ve been in— they’re a great communicator, vulnerable, consistent with their words and actions, and super thoughtful (as well as ridiculously attractive lol). I’m super nervous, since this is the most vulnerable I’ve been with anyone I’ve gone out with, but I’m ultimately excited to see where things go with them!

[Elise]

Hi MusicNerd, thank you for this update! It is wonderful to hear that things are going so well for you, and that you are exploring things with your partner with clear and understanding communication, at a pace that works for you both. You are right that this kind of relationship comes with vulnerability, however it sounds like you have communication systems and trust and care for each other that will help you navigate this space safely together

[MusicNerd]

Hi Elise, thanks for your reply! You’re right in that our communication and care and trust is strong between us; I’ll definitely need to remember that anytime I get nervous about opening up to them, so thanks for that reminder. I also think it helps that we’ve had this foundation of friendship for the past several months now— who knew!

They’ve literally been nothing but warm and accepting whenever I’ve opened up to them about things — and they’ve been very vulnerable with me too, but like… I'm super nervous in letting them know that I have very little sexual experience, and that it’s been a long time since I’ve slept with anyone.

I’m scared that I’m gonna be so bad at it, and disappoint them, once we start having sex, you know? I think I have a lot of good things not related to sex to bring to this relationship, but they have a lot of sexual experience, so I feel like the odds are even greater that I’d let them down compared to their past partners.

I know that sounds silly, but I have my own insecurities around that, and it doesn’t necessarily reflect how they would feel or react, I guess… but yeah, that anxiety of opening up to them about it is still there, even though I know I shouldn’t feel this way. Normally I’d run away based on these fears, but I really care about them (like, a lot!) and don’t wanna do that this time.

[Mo]

Something that's been helpful for me to think about, when approaching sex with a new person who has had a bunch more experience than me (or just very different experiences), is that there's a learning curve on both sides the first time any two people have sex. Even if one person's had a hundred partners and the other has had two, the more experienced person doesn't necessarily know what their new partner enjoys or prefers. It's also true that lots of experience doesn't automatically translate into someone being a better sexual partner overall.

I think it can be useful to approach sex with a new partner with the thought that you'll both have things to learn from each other and things about yourselves to show each other. There may very well be some awkward moments, but I think that's going to be the case pretty much any time two people have sex for the first time! I get that it can be really intimidating no matter how many times you tell yourself this stuff, though. I hope that whenever it happens, it can be a fun and positive experience.

[MusicNerd]

Well, sad update: they decided to break up today once things started to get serious between us. They said they didn’t want to push me away, and they could feel their walls going up, and even though I told them I have fears too and am willing to navigate them together…. I guess they weren’t ready to work through them.

Super bummed out, especially since this is the first person I can genuinely say I’ve loved in a dating context, and everything seemed to be going wonderfully— but I think, for my own well-being, I’m gonna have to distance myself from them. It seems like they’re dealing with a lot of different stresses, and still have a lot of shame to work through (over the weekend, they said they felt like a burden when they dissociated while we were getting physical, even though I told them they very much are not and comforted them while we cuddled), and I don’t want to be around someone who’s broken my trust (again).

It’s heartbreaking, and I don’t think they’re a bad person, I just know I’ve gotta do what’s best for me at this point.

[Sam W]

Hi MusicNerd,

I'm sorry to hear this ended in a break-up since you were feeling so positive about it. That can be such a rough feeling, even when you know it may be the best option given where your ex is in terms of their own emotional journey. I think it's really sound of you to recognize that you'll need distance from them in order to look after yourself.

Are there any specific supports or resources you'd like from us around all this? It's okay if the answer is just something like " a space to process."

[MusicNerd]

Hi Sam,

So sorry I totally forgot to respond to this! Thanks, I appreciate it. Maybe some resources could help.

I think another thing I’m struggling with now is feeling sad when I see my friends in relationships— of course, I’m super happy for them! But it just reminds me of the fact that I don’t have that, and have never had that, and then I start to judge myself for feeling sad and then my brain goes to the “What’s wrong with me? What if no one else can see the good things I have to offer because of my messy past with addiction, mental health, trauma, etc.?” place, which is not fun. Logically I get that I have good qualities to bring to a relationship, but emotionally it feels like maybe that’s not enough to outweigh the not-so-great parts of me right now.

I’m trying to remind myself that having no real relationship experience doesn’t say anything about me, but it’s hard. Also, it being pride month right now doesn’t help lol

[Heather]

I hear this. I'm sorry that you're having big, sad FOMO feelings. And for sure, Pride month is an extra crummy month to have a breakup in. Have been there: it blows.

I think it might help to remember how many *other* people also bring the kinds of things with themselves to a relationship that you do. Sure, when we have a lot of this kind of stuff, we're not going to be a fit for everyone, but then everyone also won't be a great fit for *our* needs, and more to the point, no one with any kind of stuff or lack of it is right for everyone or finds it easy to find people to connect with. I get that the looking and waiting can be so rough, but you're fantastic -- I feel able to say that given your tenure here and our interactions -- and having all of that other stuff that might not feel or look fantastic is a boon for people who also come to relationships with hard stuff and need someone with the capacity to understand them, you know?

Do you have the opportunity to just go out and be yourself, by yourself, during the month and with any active Pride festivities? There certainly are also benefits during Pride to not being in something committed at the moment. <3

[MusicNerd]

Aww Heather!! Stop, I’m legit crying, you’re too kind!

Yeah, FOMO is exactly the expression for it! And you’re right, breakups during pride season are definitely rough.

Also, I hadn’t considered the fact that a potential partner is going to bring their own stuff they may not be proud of to the table, and how maybe my stuff could help them feel like I’d be able to hold space for those things… that’s a really interesting way of looking at it, because I definitely felt similarly about this person (their past stuff made me feel comfortable disclosing mine).

You know, years ago I used to pull similar things like they did (a.k.a. running away out of fear), and the person I dated before this last one also did a similar thing of running away before we got serious but out of fear that I would act like her exes.

With this most recent person though, now I finally understand how hard it is to love someone who doesn’t see themself the way I see them, and how painful it is to be pushed away because of their own shame and fears. I guess that’s why I’m working really hard in therapy to not go back to those fearful avoidant ways of thinking/behaving after this breakup, because I don’t want to hurt someone else in that way again the way this person did, you know?

Anywho, sorry that was a whole ramble! To answer your question about pride events: no, I haven’t really gone to any since most of the events are at nightclubs and tbh I don’t feel comfortable being in an enclosed environment with a ton of people in a pandemic, you know? So, I’ve just been existing as a queer person at home with my cat lol (Also curious to know what the benefits are of being newly single during pride, since I haven’t thought much about that?)