Scarleteen

Thank you for the metaphor and recommendations, both make my life better

The past week was terrible but now I can finally spend a few days away from home which I'm really looking forward to. And my parents let me visit my friend, which is great but I have no idea why they changed their opinion so unexpectedly. I suppose you have no way of knowing either but I just wanted to mention that in case you hade some idea what it might mean. Why would they suddenly have no problem with me seeing the girl the belive(d?) has turned me gay? It confuses me and makes me once again question whether am I being too dramatic and judging my parents too harshly...

Anyway what I wanted to ask/talk about is that I had kind of a revelation. I noticed that the times when I feel the worst don't correspond only with whether I'm at home or not but even more with my periods. I'm perplexed whs it took me so long to figure out when it's so obvious, not always but in most cases it is the time when I feel and act the worst, when communicating with people is so hard, when I do all those things I later regret. It's evident even from my occasional drawings. It's like I'm completely different person. It has probably something to do with PMS, although I haven't find much information about it (sorry if I missed something on this site) and I always thought it should end about a day  after the begging of  period and that it's more like stronger emotions and not feeling down the whole time. Anyway, why I'm writing all this is because the realisation hit hard. I can't help feeling like it's all fake now, like all those emotions, tears, words, scars...weren't real, like I don't have the right to have them because it's just hormones. I know this way of thinking isn't really logical since all emotions are technically just chemicals in our brains, but it doesn't help much... I don't know what to do, maybe hearing it from someone else will help, because I suppose there isn't much else I could do. It's scary that I will be just waiting every month when I will lose a big part of my self control and feel like dying without any particular reason, again and again every month without having any control over it all. But maybe everyone has it like this and I just can't handle it?

Hi again. I'm just running out for the day, but I can at least speak to your second paragraph here.

So, something very real is that people with depression or other mood issues often find that certain times in their cycles, or that their cycles, altogether, have impacts on their moods, and can amplify them and feelings, or make some things feel better, and so on. This is also true of the interplay of things like menstrual cycles and trauma, and menstrual cycles and other difficult parts of or experiences in our lives.

The fact that one system of your body has an impact on related systems doesn't make anything that happens in wither of those systems any less real. It just makes us human beings whose bodies are made up of a number of integrated systems.

Too, things that intensify our feelings don't mean our feelings aren't real because certain things can make them feel bigger, or more or less manageable, or more reactive. And things being hormonal also doesn't make them less real. Feelings really do have quite a lot to do with hormones, but hormones are super real as are how much they have to do with so many things, like feelings, that happen in our brains.

PMS and PMDD are also very real. These two pieces on Healthline are excellent overviews of each: https://www.healthline.com/health/premenstrual-syndrome and https://www.healthline.com/health/pmdd There are also ways to help manage the impacts of either, so no one with these has to go without some control if they want it. <3

Thank you so much for taking time to reply yesterday even when you were short on it, it immediately made me feel better <3
Especially what you said about bodies being made of connected systems was really helpful, because that's exactly the way I like to look at things.


Now that I have thought about it a little and read those links it makes all much more sense. I don't think or care if it's bad enough so it would have a medical name, nor can I use most of the advice in those articles but just knowing that it's not that unusual and not something everyone experiences at the same time is comforting.

I think that one of the problems for me is that I struggle to see those things like periods or feelings like an actual part of me. It's more like it's something that's happening to me and I have to handle, control or even battle it. Like some disconnected parts I would love to just leave out of my life, if you know what I mean.
I also don't really don't want to be part of the stereotype that people and especially women around their period are considered weak and moody. I've always wanted to be perceived as strong, both by others and myself and now something so basic and common can defeat me so easily.
There's also one a bit more philosophical issue, how can I see and judge the world and people objectively if my emotions and reactions can be so strongly affected by other uncontrolable factors?

Anyway, it's really scary that it might be like this every single month but maybe it won't be like this forever, it was so significant only the past few months and I've noticed just now.

Hi Theansweris42,

On the practical side, I do want to say that if the interaction between your mood issues and your cycle persist, or hit a point where they just do not feel manageable for you, there are things you can try, or work with a healthcare provider on trying, that can help mitigate the interaction between those things.

On the more emotional side, I get not wanting to feel like you're contributing to the stereotype of people being "moody" on their periods. But, truthfully, the existence of that idea isn't the fault of people whose menstrual cycles intensely interact with their moods (as Heather pointed out, our brains and bodies are these integrated systems where lots of things influence and interact with each other). It's the fault of people who are looking for yet more ways to discredit women's reactions to the world around them (even though not only women get periods).

Too, it can help to remember that humans aren't purely objective, rational beings. Our emotions always have a seat at the table, and learning how to work with them is often better for us in the long run than striving to be without them.

Thank you, all of that makes so much sense, but I just can't push it through to my stubborn mind. I keep going back to all those moments when I felt bad and was subconsciously blaming my parents, friends or the world on itself for that. I hate feeling like I'm just a machine programmed to feel and act like shit every month. But I guess I just need time to somehow wrap my mind around this.

I reread the article here about periods, it's so great, I wish I had it a few years ago. And I would like to ask if you have some more info or resources about cycles, moods and hormones that would help me understand how do all these things work more in depth. I haven't got much time to search the Internet and all that I found has left me confused and upset. Plus I'm trying to distract myself from an upcoming family holiday and everything that's going on in the world.

I have no intention of bringing this or anything else up with anyone, it's not that bad and my health and doctors is another conflict-inducing topic with my parents. But I'm just curious what kind of health provider would that be, gynecologist/psychologist/GP? These things are talked about so little that I don't even know where I would go or point a friend to should they need this kind of help

The healthcare provider can be either/both of those: a gynecologist or could even be just a primary care doctor can help with things like prescribing birth control that could help with the symptoms, and a mental health professional to help with managing your mood during those times.

When you refer to the article we have about periods, I assume you're talking about this one? There's also this external resource that's great, and this book.

Do you want to talk some more about this idea of feeling like a machine that's programmed to act/feel a certain way every month?

Thank you, but there isn't much to talk about. I could give you a whole detailed essay about how bad I'm feeling but I don't know what it would be good for and I have to learn to not be so dependent on other people. Sooner or later I'll get used to it or it'll get better and I'll find something else to complain about

And thank you for those links, I can't open the first one, but it's probably just some problem with the anonymous mode in my browser

Hi Theansweris42,

It's okay to turn to other people when we're working things out sometimes - especially when it's people like us who are here for exactly that.

The links Elise sent were our article called "on the rag", an external site called cyclesavvy.com, and a book by Chella Quint called Own Your Period

If you want more information on the relationship between your cycle and mood, then some of the reputable mental health websites are a good place to look. For example, Mind here in the UK has a section on PMDD.

Thank you so much, for your kind words and especially for the last link. I've read those personal stories included there a few times and it's all starting to make more and more sense to me. I still don't know what it would mean for my life if it turns out it'll be like this every month or so (my period is quite unpredictable) and I still struggle with believing it doesn't make my feelings invalid. But looking back a few days when I knew nothing and felt completely lost, I guess it's a step in the right way, and mostly thanks to you <3

I hope it's okay if I add one more topic. Tomorrow I'm going on a two weeks long family holiday and honestly, it's really stressing me out. I love travelling and hiking but I can't imagine being with my parents 24/7 for so long. It's been calmer at home lately and I guess that they taking me on a holiday means they don't utterly hate me, and overall I belive we can avoid huge conflicts during that time. So it's not them who I'm afraid of, it's my own emotions and reactions that can be quite excessive and uncontrollable. I don't want to ruin it, especially when it might be a chance to make some things between us better. What's going to be the worst for me is probably that they'll have control over me all the time, what I wear, what I eat, what I do and say... I've learned that it's one of the things that are hardest for me to handle. It's probably unreasonable but I'm so scared I'll do something really stupid or just break down if it's all too much.
I don't suppose you have some "travelling guide for an overly emotional person with a homophobic family" at hand but I just wanted to share this so I wouldn't feel so alone in all this, thank you for giving me the chance

Hi Theansweris42,

I’m sorry your upcoming time with your family is causing stress, it’s totally understandable considering they aren’t accepting of your identity and may be controlling over how you live your life these next two weeks - it’s totally reasonable to feel emotional about that. I don’t have an easy travel guide for navigating this (but there totally should be one!) but I want you to know that if you do have a break down, you are NOT to blame. Do you think your parents would be receptive to a conversation about setting up designated alone time to take breathers and process? (I don’t know if this is a reasonable thing for you to talk about with your family, so please disregard if that’s not helpful).

Thank you
I'm pretty sure asking that isn't a good idea and I wouldnt have that courage anyway. They (and probably most people) would take that as a "I don't like you, I'm not grateful for this family etc"

But I'll take my favourite music with me, I can't take the book I'm currently reading but I'll take some others and  I belive I'll get through it, I always do somehow. Of course it's easy to say it now when everything is more or less fine, but it's not like I have any other choice. And I'll certainly face much worse challenges in my life than a family holiday.
I'm almost sure I'll find something new I'll want to talk to you about during these two weeks, so if nothing goes majorly wrong, I'll be probably back soon, if that's okay with you of course

Hi there Theansweris42, whilst I'm sorry to hear that you are going to be in a stressful situation where you can't ask for personal space, I'm glad that you have ways of carving this out for yourself with music and books and cope that way.

I would just like to gently challenge the idea that "most people" would react badly to asking for some alone time. Most folks these days have some understanding that people sometimes need time to themselves to recharge, and having a close relationship with someone doesn't require that they be fused together at the hip and need to be together 24/7. Particularly people who understand that everyone is there own combination of introverted and extroverted, know that most folks need there own space and time to themselves, and wouldn't be insulted by the request (I can tell you from years living in share-houses, being able to communicate and understand when someone needs some space is a highly sought after quality).

Whilst this may not be something that you feel your parents understand (which given that you've noted that they don't respond well to your setting boundaries), that a green flag you can look for in potential friends and other relationships is a respect for boundaries when they are set (and an understanding that bounderies are not just for when things are "wrong" but just a way of expressing our needs for how we operate). You are not strange, "too much" or overbearing for asking for boundaries, in fact, it is a very healthy thing to do.

If you'd like some examples of doing this, I'd highly recommend the Captain Awkward advice blog, which as well as being a good read at any time, has many examples and lots of advice on boundary setting situations.

Thank you, Captain awkward really is great! Sam's recommended it to me some time ago and I like to come there from time to time when I have the chance and I have learnt a lot. But I always wonder whether I just haven't met people who respect boundaries or just can't see the "good" in people around me as a result of being too obsessed with myself or overlooking kindness for some petty mistakes...

This applies to my parents too, during the family holiday (which went overall better then I expected, not so surprising when I always expect the worst case scenario) I was able to see that they really care about me, but then it makes it hard to understand how can someone who cares about me say and do some of the things they do...
The past two weeks I went from feeling happy and almost believing there is some future for me and the world to feeling completely hopeless, tired and confused so many times, I don't even know what to think or say about it.

Sometimes I just want to stop trying so much and tell everyone that it doesn't matter if I have the right to feel bad because of them or on, that just feeling bad should be enough of a  reason to leave, but I can't...
With my parents apart from technical reasons like money and housing, it's also because my connection with them of all people is the only one that was formed before I was born therefore is the only one that doesn't rely on my personality and therefore the only one that's not so easy to break. And I can't afford losing it, not when there is almost nobody else in my life

And even when it's more and more clear that the relationship with my friend (the one I always talk about here and the only person apart from my family who I communicate with these days) isn't exactly healthy on many fronts, I don't want to lose her either. I'm too weak to do that and even when she doesn't love me and is not nice to me, it's really nice to have someone I can love and be nice to, if that makes sense...

I know I keep talking about things and asking questions that are complicated or impossible to answer and I really don't want you to spend more time and energy than you want on trying to make sense of it all. So (even if I know and am glad that you're already doing it) if there's anything you'd like to talk about, I'd appreciate it and if not, that's okay too. Like always I'd like to thank you merely for existing, (I don't know if it's wrong that when I feel down I often think about you and what I'd like to say to you...) but I was thinking about your advice a lot when away and especially your tips regarding grounding exercises were really helpful sometimes <3

Hi Theansweris42,

I’m so relieved to hear that the holiday went overall better than expected! I think it’s true that people can care about you and still hurt you, or do/say things that aren’t in your best interest. Like Elise said, asking people to respect the boundaries you set around your personal space and how you spend your time is not “being too obsessed” with yourself - it’s communicating to others what you need to feel good and supported.

As for your friend, I don’t think it’s weak to have a hard time ending that friendship - it sounds like she means a lot to you. But recognizing what pieces of the relationship are unhealthy is really important as it can help you have more control in deciding how you want to move forward with the friendship. Again, creating boundaries with her around what she can and cannot talk about or say to you may be very important.

Sometimes I just want to stop trying so much and tell everyone that it doesn't matter if I have the right to feel bad because of them or on, that just feeling bad should be enough of a reason to leave, but I can't…

I’m not sure I was understanding this part of your post - are you talking about how to stop living with your parents? If I’m understanding correctly, I think you’re right - just having a gut feeling of not feeling good where you are living now can be enough to decide you don’t want to be there for the long term. Especially if it’s contributing to feelings of hopelessness. Is this something you want to talk more about?

Sorry for not being clear, I meant it like that but maybe more "figuratively", sometimes I even go so far as to trying to imagine how it would be to leave my family, but I always end up with knowing that it's just not possible. They're right when they say I'll probably never be able to live on my own, I don't know how this world works. Even if I get to study in a different town one day, the only way I could afford that would be  by living in a flat owned by my parents, I wish I could be grateful that they even offered this to me after everything... And I can't punish them by leaving just for a few hateful remarks and being strict, it'd hurt them too much, my mum cried a whole evening because I didn't look her in the eyes while saying good night once. I don't think they're bad parents or people, we're just incompatible, but I feel so lost, I cam never make them happy by being myself but I can never by happy knowing I'm hurting them by that...
It'd be probably easier if I was born a boy, not only liking girls and wearing some clothes wouldn't be a problem but they also wouldn't be so worried about me. I wanted to find a job but didn't find anything they'd approve of and when I wanted to do some volunteering they didn't let me. I don't know what I'm going to do whole summer, I don't want to be stuck at home, I don't know how to do that without breaking down. I want to do something meaningful, something bigger than myself, I want to help people and connect with them, I just don't know how...
(I also don't wanna start every sentence with I...)

Sorry, I'm just tired and ranting again

Sorry, I apologised for not being clear and then wrote something even more nonsensical... it's just probably my pms hormones that's making my like this, I just kinda thought that now I know about this period-mood connection, it'd be easier to control myself. At least it means it's real and not just something my mind made up to get attention, I guess
Anyway sorry for that. I'll be back when I'm capable of a more productive conversation

Hi Theansweris42,

It's alright to just rant sometimes. It can be super important and relieving to get things you are feeling into words and out there. Feel free to take as much time as you need and come back to the boards when you are looking for more support. But, I do want to respond to a couple of the things you mentioned though in your post.

Yes, the world is really confusing and difficult at times but if transitioning to a more independent life on your own is a goal of yours, from the little I have come to know you, that seems more than reasonable and attainable. You mentioned some really beautiful goals and desires in that post: "I want to do something meaningful, something bigger than myself, I want to help people and connect with them." The world needs more people with big hearts like that and you have shown persistence, problem-solving, hopefulness, and self-determination already. Those are all some great things to lean on and remember when you are having moments of overwhelm or helplessness.

I didn't touch on everything you wrote about but it felt important to say that one thing. What would be the most supportive for you at the moment? Making plans for navigating increased time at home? Discussing gaining more independence? Talking through your relationship with your parents? Or even, sharing which of those media recs has been your favorite so far

Thank you so much, really, thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤ I can blame it on hormones that your post made my cry, but it was in the best way. Something as "simple" as being asked how you can support me is such a warm and precious feeling <3( I'll try to remember it when someone I know needs help.)

The thing is that I might not have the perfect body, health, family or social skills, but repeating it over and over in my head or here to you is not gonna do anybody any good. I have just two options, giving up completely, which is thankfully not as easy as I thought, or I have to just suck it up, move on and make the most out of what I have, which is a lot and I'm trying to be grateful for that. I just dont know how to cross the border between "I wish I was better" and "Im trying to be better". It's just so hard to do all this alone, when there's noone for whom I could be happy or some "better version of myself" and doing it for myself doesn't feel like a good enough reason. But I guess coming to terms with that should be part of the "sucking it up and moving on".
That's also probably why I keep coming here, telling things to someone and seeing their respons and advice makes everything feel so much more real and real problems can really be overcome, at least I'm trying to believe that

As for your question, I didn't want to write too much about those books I read because I don't want it to seem like I'm using this place just as some "free substitute" for a friend to just demonstrate my thoughts, but if anyone wants to hear what I think about them, I'd be happy to tell (I read Priory of the Orange tree and Gideon the Ninth)
Oh and I totally forgot to thank Elise for her podcast recommendations she gave me some time ago, I really like both of them and I also found some other podcasts thanks to them

As for the other topics, all are something I'd like to talk about more,  but I know we have talked about them a lot already so I'll leave it up to you. If there's anything anyone has thoughts on or questions about, I'd love to hear and talk about it more, because that's what feels the most important for me, just being able to talk to someone

Oh gosh, I know so many people who've read and enjoyed Gideon the Ninth!! I haven't picked it up yet but have heard nothing but good things about it. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it! Maybe it's cheesy, but I think when I'm struggling to connect with people or even with my own emotions, I get a lot out of reading a lot and "experiencing" more intense emotions that way. It's its own type of healing and catharsis, I think, getting these little windows into other lives. It can feel like a form of escape from my difficulties but can also be a way to get in touch with my own feelings a little better, just from seeing some part of me reflected in a character or a situation.

What an great insightful observation! I never thought about it this way, but you're definitely right. I love reading, it's a way of escaping and connecting with the world at the same time, just like you said. For some reason reading is much better for me than other media in that aspect, maybe because most of the perception happens inside my mind and I can think about it in my own pace. And I weirdly like knowing that the way I interpret things and my thoughts are only mine and noone can see or judge them, if that makes sense. I'm so glad we have so full bookshelf at home, reading is probably the healthiest distraction I have.
And Gideon is probably going to be my comfort book, yes, it's about bones, fighting and death but the writing style is so relaxing to read and there are so many funny and touching moments. And I also love that female characters are pictured strong here but not in the way that girl has to be completely different from other girls to be considered hero.
Those both books were also my first queer media and I was pleasantly surprised what a nice experience it was for me. I was a bit afraid that it'll be hard for me to read them since being confronted with these topics makes my often nervous, but it was way better than I expected. Probably because they are both fantasy and therefore placed in a fantasy worlds where homophobia and some prejudice don't exist, it was much easier for me to explore and think about sexuality in thus setting. I just wish I didn't have to hide it from my family or could talk about it with my friend...
Unfortunately being a book lover makes me more isolated from people sometimes, because most people my age prefer other kinds of media that I don't like or don't have access to because I can't have social media, so I can't join discussions and can't share my experience. I really hope this changes when I'm older.

Anyway, no questions thisntime, but l ll probably be back with some sooner or later. I hope you didn't my my books rambling and I really hope you will enjoy your camp, I believe it's gonna be great with such concentration of kind and empathetic people in one place! <3

For some reason reading is much better for me than other media in that aspect, maybe because most of the perception happens inside my mind and I can think about it in my own pace. And I weirdly like knowing that the way I interpret things and my thoughts are only mine and noone can see or judge them, if that makes sense.

That does make a lot of sense! I struggle with focus sometimes, which can make reading harder from time to time, but I do a lot of writing and find it enjoyable for similar reasons, I think; I'm able to synthesize and express ideas in a way that feels very personal, even though I'm not writing anything explicitly autobiographical.

That's so cool! I've always admired everyone who enjoys and is good at writing. On top of other things, being able to still one's thoughts and give them one final form that can be accessed and judged in future, be it only by yourself in a journal or even by wide public, takes, at least in my opinion, some courage.

Anyway, I have some questions regarding relationships if that's okay. A few days ago I texted two friends from school because I remembered they said they'll let me know if they were free during summer, which they didn't but I really wanted to get out and meet with someone. They both surprisingly agreed to meet, I managed to persuade my parents to let me go and we met. I was really looking forward to it, it went good but I still used the first excuse I had to get away and when they asked me to meet up again I found an excuse not to too... I spent a whole month wishing I could see some friends and then I don't even enjoy it for no logical reason. The only thing that could have made me uncomfortable because I didn't know how to respond were jokes about how is one of them angry that she lost a bet because of me (they bet whether I'll find a boyfriend till summer holiday or not) but they don't mean to be rude, it's just fun.
But all that makes me think, will this ever change? Will I ever learn to be happy in relationships and a good friend? Is it something I can train or should I accept it and learn to by more content with being on my own? Is there some way to be accepted by people for whom romantic and sexual relationships are such an important part of life (though it's not the only thing I differ from them in)?

And something similar happened with my best friend (I hope I can call her like that...). We manage to find a few minutes to talk over phone most days and yesterday for the first time she asked me how I'm doing and I replied only with "nothing special" and immediately changed the topic back to her. I don't understand it, I spend hours thinking about how I'd like to tell her about my life and how she'd comfort me/laught with me/be interested in it etc. and when I get that chance in real life it makes me nervous. And I can't help wondering, what if it's not fair that I sometimes think she doesn't care about me or is unsupportive, what if I just can't be "interesting enough" and it's just easier for my mind to blame it on her? And similarly my parents, maybe they aren't as controlling and hateful as I think and I just find it easier to think of them like that instead of being brave enough to be straightforward with them and tell them everything? I don't know and don't  know how to find any of that out...
That our perception of world is so subjective is so beautiful and terrible at the same time

Hi Theansweris42,

I feel you on how those social interactions went; I have definitely done the "say nothing about my life even when asked" thing. I suspect, in your case, some of these habits of not talking about yourself or almost automatically passing on the chance to meet up come from that tendency to think others are more deserving that you've described in the past.

One thing that could help is to remember that those interactions aren't these big, final things that determine the course of your friendships going forward. For instance, with the friends you met up with, what if you got in touch and said "hey, is the offer to meet up again still open? I loved hanging out." Or with your best friend, maybe there are ways to tell her things about your life in bits and pieces, like in text or instant messages so you don't feel like you HAVE to communicate everything in those bigger conversations.

With your parents, I think it can help to remember that their behavior towards you often meets the literal definition of controlling; they go out of their way to control you. That isn't you misinterpreting their behavior, it's you correctly noticing the dynamic that's going on.

Thank you, it always helps to hear those things from someone else, especially from someone I trust.

You might be right, but more like "I don't deserve this" I feel it like "everyone has different needs". For example those people from school probably need friends they can relate to in terms of media they like, romantic relationships, opinions... and that's just not something I could provide. I'm aware that I can't bring much to our conversations and they know that too and that's probably one of the reasons I find it hard to enjoy our interactions. But I don't know, is there anything I could do about this so I would move from someone who isn't minded to someone who is liked or even loved...

And it's similar with my friend,  she needs someone who can be there for her to listen most of the time rather than talked about themselves. And I'm happy to do that, mostly. Only sometimes it feels a bit like I could be replaced by a robot who would listen and then tell her what she wants to hear, and it'd do much better job than I do. Your idea is great, it'd definitely be easier to do it like that, I'm just probably terrible at reading the situation and her mood, because often when I say something about myself it's not taken really good or ignored. When we aren't talking or texting in the exact moment I have no way of telling in what mood she is or whether there's something else she wants to discuss. A solution could be asking every time if she wants to hear something about me, but it's seems a bit stupid to do that and then just ask about her opinion on some news in politics or send a photo of my guniea pig. What do you think, is it stupid? I don't need to talk about myself with her that much, I just think I'd help me to feel more like her friend and not just her "dutiful robot". I also don't wanna be selfishly overthinking and overanalysing those minor interactions, but my relationships with other people are one of the few things in the world I have some control over and a way to make at least a tiny good change.

I'm sorry to hear that your friend seems to brush off your attempts to talk about yourself. It really isn't fair of her to expect you to listen and support her but to then just redirect the conversation back to her or to ignore you when you try to talk about yourself and how you're feeling. Even if you have a long-time habit of not talking much about yourself, you deserve to be able to open up a bit if you want to!

Sometimes friendships can get into a pattern like this, where one person's "job" in the friendship becomes that of the supporter, and their own needs or wants for support or even to share about themselves get pushed down smaller and smaller over time. It's really difficult to have a healthy relationship like this! I definitely think you deserve to be able to talk about yourself and things that interest you and not feel like your job is just to be a robot who listens. Do you think that's something you could talk to her about directly?