Scarleteen

Hi, sandpiper:

First off, wishing you the best on your job search, applications, and networking! That is very exciting to hear for you. Like you are describing, it sounds like you had the first in a while unitended intimate moment with your previous partner after making some decisions and establishing boundaries around your previous relationship. It sounds like you were at a point where those boundaries were going to be crossed and you successfully redirected the actions of the moments so that you kept your boundaries intact. Congrats on this! This is a very empowering thing to do and I am glad that you found the strength to say no.

It also sounds like you are grappling with the consequential feelings from this moment and the conflicting experience of wanting something to happen, being aroused, and also the old feelings of anxiety and grief that have been part of your previous relationship. I want to first say that having these thoughts and feelings is completely normal and you are continuing to process the wounds and pains. Having these feelings is not bad. The rumination and endless cycle of negative thoughts, though, can be very hard to deal with and sometimes prevents us from moving on. Have you been able to share this thought feedback loop with anyone else?

Again, I think its wonderful you were able to stick to your boundaries. Since being with this person presents compromising situations in regards to the boundaries you have set and leads to unwanted thoughts and feelings, do you want to consider to extending your boundaries to limit interactions with this individual altogether? Obviously, that is your decision to make, but it may be helpful to further protect you and your boundaries.

Touching on the sexual fantasies you have - this is also normal and you don't need to feel bad about them, And it seems like they are also teaching you about what you actually want in the real world with a person vs. not. I am glad you are making progress!

Tara,

Thanks so much -- I guess I hadn't really thought of this as me having defended my boundaries, but you're right that I did make a choice to not take it further even though it felt good in the moment, and that's a decision to feel good about.

Honestly, the funny thing about the rumination cycle, about feeling upset about this today -- it was just a taste of the same soup that was always on re: sex and intimacy in this relationship. I've only ever felt relief since leaving/changing this relationship, and I thought it was funny that today was the first time I'd really cried on my own about the breakup, until I realized I wasn't crying about the breakup, but about the same exact grief/anxiety unsexy soup I've been upset about for literal years. This dip of the toes into the water is definitely reaffirming that not hooking up with this person is an essential sanity-saving choice for me.

I do think I should talk about it with a friend. I've done this very, very little in the last few years, just because it feels like a violation and an invasion of privacy to share about your sex life with a friend, especially when they're friends with your partner as well (and after almost 5 years, we share nearly all our friends). It even almost feels like emotional "cheating" to entrust something that intimate -- though in that regard I feel more free now, after we broke up.

I hope it comes across clearly that I'm trying to be kind and fair and patient about this, but I'm also really worried about the risk of something like this coming across as gossiping or shit talking. I wouldn't ever try to put it in any way that feels unkind, but it also feels dangerous how good it might feel for someone to empathize and feel bad for me. (I guess my own craving for sympathy disturbs me -- like I so badly want someone to validate that this sounds like it has sucked for a long time, but I also feel like that's betraying my partner.) How do you navigate how much is appropriate to tell your friends about your sexual experiences that have upset you? (Besides, of course, the listening friend's boundaries.)

The two of us had a good text conversation about this today. We both acknowledged that the kiss was not a good move even though it felt good in the moment and he apologized. We talked more generally about big-picture, what happened in our sexual relationship and what kinds of stories we tell ourselves about it.

I got the insight that part of what had made it so hard for him to engage sexually with me was the sense for a long time that I was a caged bird that didn't really want to be in this kind of relationship, that I felt stuck here. It's funny that he saw it even when I didn't (I'm learning I have this thing where even thinking about my own needs goes out the window when another person is in the room -- which makes for a lot of annoying "I dunno, what do you want to do" type codependent gridlock). It hadn't even occurred to me that I could ever break up with him until over four years into our relationship.

Of course, I responded by working harder and throwing myself at him harder to feel desirable, failing, feeling disappointed, very occasionally having sex when he wanted to get off that made me feel used and gross after, the frustrating or discouraging experience probably further showing him that sex with me was depressing and made us unhappy, etc etc etc. An absolute mess all around, really, but at least we can see and agree we're better off as friends who don't do that anymore.

Hey there, sandpiper. I wanted to pitch in about your questions here:

I do think I should talk about it with a friend. I've done this very, very little in the last few years, just because it feels like a violation and an invasion of privacy to share about your sex life with a friend, especially when they're friends with your partner as well (and after almost 5 years, we share nearly all our friends). It even almost feels like emotional "cheating" to entrust something that intimate -- though in that regard I feel more free now, after we broke up.

I hope it comes across clearly that I'm trying to be kind and fair and patient about this, but I'm also really worried about the risk of something like this coming across as gossiping or shit talking. I wouldn't ever try to put it in any way that feels unkind, but it also feels dangerous how good it might feel for someone to empathize and feel bad for me. (I guess my own craving for sympathy disturbs me -- like I so badly want someone to validate that this sounds like it has sucked for a long time, but I also feel like that's betraying my partner.) How do you navigate how much is appropriate to tell your friends about your sexual experiences that have upset you? (Besides, of course, the listening friend's boundaries.)

I personally think that our sex-ashamed culture is most of what has us believe that it isn't okay to talk about our sex lives with friends, including when our friends know the partner we are talking about well. Additionally, I think this culturally-enforced silence sometimes also lets a looooooooot of people feel free to engage in crummy or outright abusive sexual behaviour, and that some of the cultural taboo around this has been expressly built by abusers and predators, but that's a bigger conversation, obviously.

I also don't think it is any kind of cheating at all: what "cheating" is is when we break tacit agreements we have made with people. Unless you and your ex made agreements not to share details of your sexual lives with certain other people (and I'd never say it was okay for people to ask someone to or agree to talking to NO ONE about their sex lives), this isn't that.

If you are able to talk about things like your emotional life with an ex or current partner, the same rules should follow when it comes to sex. Again, I think culture is what leads us to believe these things are wildly different rather than parts of the same group: both of these things are just talking about parts of intimate relationships or interactions. If you are not actually gossiping, if you are doing what you can to be respectful of your ex in your shares (eg, not telling other people about something, for instance, that they are wildly insecure about or have asked you to keep private), it should be okay to talk to friends about sex.

I think that the real person to check in with is whoever you are talking to, especially if they are also friends with your ex. Like you said, I'd just ask them first if they are okay with it, and if they have any specific boundaries. <3

Thanks, Heather. This is really interesting to me. Particularly this insight:

Additionally, I think this culturally-enforced silence sometimes also lets a looooooooot of people feel free to engage in crummy or outright abusive sexual behaviour

I know that in the past, for years while we were together, this ex has outright expressed the opinion that talking to other people about your sex life with another person is a shitty thing to do to the person you're with. I want to imagine this is mostly about contexts like bragging to your friends about things your partner "let you" do or similar gossippy or objectifying conversation, but truthfully he's always expressed this quite generally, like telling anyone about sex you have is a major violation.

(I also am wondering here whether this is something he doesn't feel as extremely about as he used to, and this is another case of me thinking of how he was in the past but that isn't accurate at all anymore, like the way he used to feel really insecure about me hanging out with mutual friends of ours without him, for instance. Kind of awkward trying to figure out how to probe whether this is the case.)

I think all this -- all of our sex life -- is stuff he probably feels highly sensitive and rather insecure about. Maybe it's less insecure than he used to be, but then he also seems to be telling himself stories that what happened is something "went wrong" with him over time, which makes me fear he may be more insecure now.

(He says something went wrong and is wrong with him in reference to him almost never experiencing spontaneous sexual desire the last few years... which I've expressed many times is fine, not an issue if that were it by itself, not the thing that has fundamentally never worked for me.)

So I know he's expressed in the past, emphatically, that sharing anything about your private sex life is something he thinks is immoral and unkind, and he also doesn't take kindly at all to when friends of ours tell him about their sex life (it makes him feel really insecure and unhappy to hear about the fun and success it sounds like they are having).

And I think it's all, generally speaking, stuff he feels quite insecure about, and has expressed in the past he's really glad I haven't talked to any of our friends about it and can't imagine what he'd even do if they knew.

This also makes me realize he has no one to talk to about his own development as a sexual person -- short of me, but those conversations have never been particularly fruitful and I'm always the one that starts them in search of answers.

Do you have any thoughts on how I might proceed here? Do I try to somehow probe whether this is still how he feels about it?

(I think overall it still is -- as recently as the last couple weeks he's expressed how much he hates when our friends share about their sex lives, and how much he feels like something deeply shameful is fundamentally wrong with him.)

It's possible he'd be more gracious about it now than he was a few years ago, as he is about a lot of things, but I think the idea of me talking about this with people that know him would still majorly freak him out and make him feel paranoid about what people may know about him and how it makes them think of him.

Or do I just covertly go about it and confide anyway in a friend or two that don't live around here, that we don't see except for a few times a year, where I feel like I could "get away with it" with minimal odds of it becoming obvious I've talked about it?

I can see how his attitudes in the past make this a LOT more complicated for you. Thanks for filling me in.

I don't think checking in with him is the way to go: you two aren't in that relationship anymore, and I also don't think you owe him protecting his ego or his hangups, basically. And honestly, I think you feeling like you couldn't talk to anyone about this -- much like isolating you from friends was -- is probably part of what had you feeling so trapped and stuck, so I think his issues with this also did you harm, you know? These feel like controlling behaviors to me. It also sounds like he's someone who could probably stand to hear more people talk about their sex lives, IMHO, and like he needs to do some of his own work around his attitudes around sex, period.

I think given what you have said here, so long as you are only talking to people who aren't also friends with him, you're fine. You talking to people with no connection to him isn't something that will impact him in any way, after all, it really won't. And since you are talking about shared experiences, I feel like you have the right to have some say in what you talk about and what you don't, too. This shouldn't only be up to him and based in his insecurities: this is as much about you and what you need to process, move forward, and, ideally, move into a sexual life that's actually right and good for you.

Would it help to talk about what you want to talk about and hear feedback around that? If so, happy to pitch in.

thanks, Heather. This was really validating and helpful to read. <3

I'm realizing how much I've been hemmed in by his insecurity for so long and it makes me kind of frustrated to think about. He's generally far more open and reasonable about it all than he used to be, but for years I avoided hanging out with friends because it made him feel insecure, avoided masturbating (once we lived together with little privacy) because it made him feel insecure, didn't advocate for things that I wanted sexually because it made him feel insecure, spent all my energy during sex trying to perform and "achieve" pleasure to make him feel less insecure, didn't talk to anyone about all this because it made him feel insecure...

It's just all been kind of colossally stupid, really. To put it plainly, I think he's always strongly socially identified as being "a good guy," and has been worried (at least historically) that our sex life as it has been "sounds really bad" and would paint him as... less of a good guy. He's expressed to me that other people wouldn't get it, the way it's "not what it sounds like," but... maybe it is and always has been what it sounds like? I've just always been really gracious and eager to be understanding about it? Maybe it really does kind of paint him as less of a perfect, unflawed, universally good guy?

I think it would feel really good to vent on the phone about this with an old friend and feel like I have someone in my corner that I know IRL who'd see my perspective here, reassure me I'm not making things up, and also encourage me to not go back to him if and when the possibility were ever tempting. The friend I think would be the best fit for this ask is someone that knows the ex, but, while they're friendly with each other, they aren't really friends. They never talk to each other, don't text, don't have each other's contact info, aren't really interested in becoming actual friends, etc. This friend also lives far away and they haven't seen each other in years except for a group hang or two arranged around me. Just about all my friends know him because, well, we've been together so long, so this feels like maybe the best I can do right now.

I wouldn't really get to have this conversation until I have the job and apartment lined up anyway, because I have no privacy in the current apartment, but I do really think it would feel good and make me feel bolstered socially and less alone in seeing this. So it's been really helpful to hear that you folks don't actually think that would be a giant inappropriate breach of trust to do. Thank you. <3

Ooooooooooooh, boy.

You know, I'm going to be honest and say that in my experience, the guys that tell you and everybody they are good guys instead of showing you with their behavior are...well, usually not such good guys. They usually seem to be much more concerned that people *think* they are good guys than they are with actually *being* good guys. And this guy has sounded, and still sounds, especially with what you have posted here, like maybe not such a good guy. He's sounded like a controlling guy. And even though I think that control has been less about say, wanting to be the boss of you and take your agency away than to keep it so he doesn't have to do his own work on himself and in your relationship, that's still not good.

He's generally far more open and reasonable about it all than he used to be, but for years I avoided hanging out with friends because it made him feel insecure, avoided masturbating (once we lived together with little privacy) because it made him feel insecure, didn't advocate for things that I wanted sexually because it made him feel insecure, spent all my energy during sex trying to perform and "achieve" pleasure to make him feel less insecure, didn't talk to anyone about all this because it made him feel insecure...

All of that? That's a description of control. And some of the ways you have felt like you had to react to this sound like someone in control to me.

The friend you are describing sounds like someone I think it should be just fine to share whatever you want with, frankly. In fact, if the inside of this relationship has been the way I think it has been, I think it's actually really important you start being honest with people, if for no other reason so you can start to actually have some real freedom and be at less risk of getting stuck inside something like this again. <3

I'm also really glad you are out of this relationship.

Thanks so so much, Heather.

That's really validating and interesting to read, though I'm also quick to want to point out that it really wasn't always like that, or that I'm sure he's gotten better with time and I'm reacting to the worst of it in the beginning, and it's still on me and that I still chose to behave in ways I did and do what I did, even though I was trying to do it to eggshell around and not upset him.

And the "good guy" thing was something he always presents semi-ironically, aware of the fact many of these performative guys are kind of awful, but, yano. Obviously it's still a big part of his identity to try to be Good as a Man (which I think is important to make an effort to do, though it can quickly become a sticky ego thing or have strange, unintended consequences?)

Last night I'd made a small comment to him casually while thinking and cleaning up dinner observing (in general, vague terms, and partly about myself) the way that insecurity can be a thing that hurts other people. (I know I shouldn't have talked about this at all with him, it just slipped out.) He agreed and contributed his own thoughts recently about how being insecure is really about not trusting other people to be feeling how they say they are, which is doing them a disservice.

Then today he sent me a long, loooong message about how he really resented the comment I made and doesn't need me to be pointing out things he needs to work on, and he doesn't appreciate the narrative that I put my all into this relationship and it wasn't enough (none of which I mentioned at all last night) and that it makes him feel like some sort of lazy bum that does nothing and hasn't improved himself, or like he really isn't aware of his shortcomings, and generally that he doesn't need to be told what's wrong with him or what he needs to do, and he really needs me to believe he can handle his own problems and do his own self improvement without me trying to tell him what he needs to work on.

Which is fair and fine. Boundaries are great. Obviously I hadn't meant it as criticism, the general idea was just on my mind, but point taken that if I want to explore how these things have hurt me I need to take them somewhere else because what's the point trying to talk it through now?

I think I just need other outlets to talk to about this and to get out of here as soon as possible.

Oof.

You know, I suspect that some of what needs to happen here is that before you two can try and build a platonic friendship, you might need some real space and time away from each other.

I totally get why you are trying to talk to him about some of this, because in order to build a different kind of relationship, you will need to be able to resolve and close the door on some of the conflict from the last one. And he will need to be actually open to that, including talking about his past and current behavior, like you are about yours.

But it sounds like he is not at all ready for that, and that a lot of the dynamics between you are the way they have always been (including him telling on himself, IMHO), and I think that not having had any real and mutually-intentional time or space apart is probably part of that. I think without more of that time you and he might not even know if one or both of you really even *want* to build that relationship together. As far as I can tell, you two aren't great for each other, so it might even turn out that one or both of you comes to the conclusion that the best thing you can do for yourselves and each other is to say goodbye, period. It might not, but it might.

So yeah, I totally agree you need to get out of there and that you also need more outlets to talk about this with that aren't him. It's totally fine to still use this one, btw, but I think more would be even better for you.

I think you're definitely right that we really need more space and time apart to individually heal from some things, because it sounds like we can't meaningfully close out these conflicts by talking with each other right now.

He's been texting me today telling me that he feels like I'm being mean to him and taking shots at him, trying to attack him or make him feel bad, with comments like the general one broached yesterday about insecurity. And I feel really bewildered and out of my depth because I haven't meant to make him feel bad at all and haven't ever made comments trying to do that. I hope it's obvious I'm not someone who ever tries to be mean or make hurtful comments.

But I'm a sensitive person myself and know that just saying he's being really sensitive about it and I never meant anything that way isn't the answer. So of course I'm apologizing for this, repeatedly, but I also just feel bewildered because I haven't meant to try to hurt him at all, though I know I don't get to decide whether he feels hurt.

And so I'm back to applying to as many jobs as I can and trying to make networking happen so I can get out as soon as I can.

(I applied to 41 yesterday, plus scheduling a networking conversation and sending some resumes to staffing agencies.) It's a thoroughly ridiculous market out there but hopefully something comes together as soon as possible.

(I turned down two offers that didn't pay enough to live and rent on without variable tips and couldn't guarantee full-time hours, but am going to try to not be TOO picky once an offer with stable hours and enough pay comes through.)

I'd quit my previous full-time job a few months before camp due to burnout and was cobbling together part-time and gig work, but I need something with predictable pay to get approved for an apartment, and the ~50 applications I did while at camp this summer haven't turned out, so here we are.

Anyway! Thanks so much for sharing your perspective -- it's really validating to hear, and your advice is helpful as always. I'm just gonna... keep trying and hopefully be out of here as soon as possible. <3

You know, it sounds to me like you are speaking up with him more than you used to: does that sound right? If so, I suspect that's why he is coming at you like this: he's used to you not speaking up, and now you are. If that's not it, it might also be that now that you two aren't a couple, he feels like he shouldn't have to be accountable for things like this because he isn't getting out of it what he used to. Either way, I don't think you have anything to apologize for. maybe try saying "Okay," when he says things like that instead of "I'm sorry?"

Jesus, 41 job applications in one sitting. I'm exhausted just hearing you say that! I'm so sorry, I know it's so rough out there right now, and boy, does the timing extra suck for you when it comes to your living situation.

Glad all of this is helpful for you. I'm rooting for you!

You know, it sounds to me like you are speaking up with him more than you used to: does that sound right? If so, I suspect that's why he is coming at you like this: he's used to you not speaking up, and now you are. If that's not it, it might also be that now that you two aren't a couple, he feels like he shouldn't have to be accountable for things like this because he isn't getting out of it what he used to. Either way, I don't think you have anything to apologize for. maybe try saying "Okay," when he says things like that instead of "I'm sorry?"

It's certainly possible that I'm touching on things like this more often now than when I was trying harder to keep the peace and only really intentionally bring it up occasionally.

The funny thing here is he says this is him speaking up with *me* more than he used to. He's saying that he used to feel a lot of resentment building up silently all the time about feeling that I want him to change, and he's just being more expressive about it now. Good for him, I guess. I'm glad he feels he can express that, though it feels like kind of an impasse (me asking for some change or effort about something -> him feeling resentful about the fact I'm asking for this and feeling like I'm being critical of him -> etc).

I'm gonna have to think about the idea of just... not apologizing to him about things like that. It's hard because, I've certainly been told before that I'm just being too sensitive and the like, you know? I don't want to imply him being upset about things like this isn't valid or okay for him (though ironically enough, I think he needs to learn to stop seeking my permission for that sort of thing). He's saying that it feels good for him to stand up for himself and express that he feels I'm being mean to him and has felt resentful of me wanting him to change, and I guess I'm happy for him that he feels he's expressing his truth and don't want to BE unreasonably critical of him.

And thank you, I really appreciate your support. I've caught some sort of cold this week for the fourth time in three months and have just been sitting looking straight ahead, coping by working. Hip hip hooray for the job market!

Just saying, "Okay" or "I hear you" is you acknowledging what he is saying and the validity of his feelings, What those things aren't, but which a reflexive "I'm sorry" usually is, are you taking responsibility for his feelings. You surely know this, but sometimes it helps to hear: you aren't responsible for how he feels in response to something you have said. Only he is. And like you have said here, you are not intending to harm or hurt him, you are sensitively speaking from your own growth and out of a desire to grow this relationship, both things you don't owe anyone an apology for. <3

And you're welcome, I'm happy to be here for you as best we can.

Ah, you're right, I see the distinction now. Yes, I agree that's a good strategy. I like the "I hear you" approach, and have been trying to take that one where possible.

I looked back at the texts from yesterday and I'd actually taken that approach and not actually said sorry at first, just validated what he was feeling and thanked him for telling me about it, etc. Then tried to make my intent with that comment clear. Then he said that my response felt passive aggressive and not like a good enough apology, and at *that* point I used the word sorry once. So I think I am trying to hold those boundaries when it comes to not being responsible for another person's feelings -- just not easy, yano?

Ah well. I'm glad you're with me that this is the way to go, and I'll keep trying this sort of thing if and when this sort of conversation comes up again.

Oh, I know! I think it's a big learning curve for everyone, but an especially big one for any of us who grew up socialized as women. Heck, even him suggesting you owed him an apology is probably something he wouldn't have suggested to another guy, you know?

Again, I'm really glad that you're out of this as an intimate relationship. I'm so excited for you when it comes to any other relationships you seek out in the future, knowing what you know now rom having been in this one. I think if and when that feels right, you're going to be very pleasantly surprised with how much better of an experience you're likely to have.

Thanks again, Heather. <3

I'm really excited for whatever the future holds too -- not thinking about starting any new intimate relationships at all right now, just really excited to have the space to be myself. But if that ever happens again, I hope that it is something that feels miraculously easy indeed.

I'll circle back around with an update once I'm finally out of here and settled in the new life if you folks like!

Hi Sandpiper! It’s great to hear that you feel optimistic about the future! If you want to share, of course you can circle back. We’d love to hear updates about how you’re doing.

Hi Scarleteam!

I've been pretty busy but I'm taking a day to rest today and wanted to update you all on how I'm doing, if you're curious.

I got a new job and moved out on my own (first time living alone) in mid-October.

In short, I love it. The clarity I feel here is so much bigger than sex or this particular relationship. With no roommates and no Internet in my apartment (personal choice -- I'd get way too sucked into it) I feel for the first time ever like I'm able to clearly think, write, plan.

The partner I've written about here and I continued to live together until I got my new place -- for just over two months after I got back from working in the boonies this summer.

We were very polite, carefully platonic roommates for the first month or so. We enjoyed our friendship, I continued to feel mildly freaked out trying to get a new job, apartment, life, and it all went on.

We agreed the vibe between us of equal friends that hang out felt much better, more comfortable and liberated, than the "boyfriend girlfriend" vibe before -- which, in retrospect, always felt rather uncomfortable and forced, like we were playing entirely to a script of what we were supposed to be doing, or how other people would see us.

Then our other roommate left town to visit family for a week. We hooked up almost immediately.

And honestly? It was fun.

Something about no longer being in this staid, girlfriend-boyfriend sort of dynamic and family of scripts... The best way I can put it is I feel like I unionized myself. I felt like a complete, whole, equal arguing party, that I could bargain, negotiate, and bring up things I didn't care for.

The very first or second time we had sex that week I stopped him at a moment I just wasn't feeling and said, "Can I be honest? I'm bored."

I'd just never felt like I had the power or ability to say -- or even privately acknowledge I feel -- something like that before. I'd just sort of go underwater and carry on.

So here we are. I guess we are... Best friends with benefits of sorts? I don't know what to call us or how to explain it, but I guess I also don't have to.

Even feeling like a complete sexual agent, I still felt like I was losing my mind living this closely with other people and needed to move out on my own. I felt very conscious of how unable to think, how distractible, how easily oriented to what other people want, towards pleasing and entertaining them, I am when I'm not alone.

So I proceeded, found the job, moved out an hour across town. And I love it.

I don't feel helpless and ungrounded like I used to. This freedom feels essential now, non-negotiable.

Once a week he comes up to see me and we make a feast of pleasure. We eat good food, have good sex, play chess, go out to see movies, talk. It's something I have to look forward to, and that makes me life feel like it's moving, week after week.

Seemingly overnight I'm no longer obsessed with how things used to be. The story bores me. I can't bring myself to think about it except maybe to mine it for literature.

It's like... this is no longer the One Great Central Relationship in my life which I expect all things from. It's one of many. (Not that I have any other sexual or romantic relationships -- that feels like way too much work to me right now; just the time and logistics of it) I seek and find certain things I want and need elsewhere. I notice more frankly who brings what into my life, who just doesn't bring that particular thing, and whom I actually can't stand to be around.

So one day in seven we have this great fun thing, this feast of pleasure. We fill up. And then the rest of the week I am sane. I am able to think and write clearly. I am no longer pulled out of my own orbit into this obsessive 2-body system of going around and around each other. We might talk once a week on the phone, or not. We don't text much except occasional little jokes and funny things we see.

The sex is no longer this captive thing, unworked for, taken for granted. I feel like I have my own ground to work from, my own castle to defend.

It's kind of funny how talking in circles over and over again about something can seemingly never yield very direct results, but changing life circumstances drastically does.

It's not that I think he was intentionally, manipulatively taking me for granted or not really meaningfully changing. The dynamic is just different now. The way it was before didn't work, and the way it is now does.

I feel like I have more power and I'm having a lot more fun. We're both having a lot more fun; we both like it much better this way.

This relationship -- though I could present it as this great hefty thing, this intimate and sexual relationship of five years -- doesn't feel like some great big burden now. It feels like a place I have a lot of fun on Saturdays, and then go back to my life, clear-headed and with space to make progress on my own goals, no longer bogged down in the absolute state of things, the unknowns of the future, the heaviness of the past.

The sex is genuinely a pleasure. Week after week. I feel like I'm getting what I want and need and we're both having fun. It feels much more inspired than it ever has before.

Not just that there's some blind wind of unexpected passion blowing through it -- though to be fair, it was kind of exciting from a "we're not supposed to be doing this" perspective at first -- rather, it feels like we're both trying. I feel taken care of, cherished, savored in the way I want to be.

I don't feel weird and disappointed and lonely after, and if I did I'd bring that up and interrogate that fact to figure it out.

This new era has only gone on for some ~3 months now but I am thoroughly enjoying it, especially ever since moving away. The rhythm of having a special day together a week and then being able to focus and move forward in my own life with every other day.

(It occurs to me we never really had this sort of moment in the beginning, and that this is a dynamic many experience in slightly more casual "dating." We had kind of immediately gone in from being close friends to being together in this new way, and even before we moved in together we kind of spent all of our time together, and once we became more explicitly sexual with one another I always felt rather taken advantage of and neglected, but like it was too late to back out. For one thing, we already had plans to move in together the next year and a lease signed maybe six or ten months into our relationship. I had felt like it was my only option; I didn't feel capable of getting a job where I could afford to live alone, I was exhausted, depressed, and ill, and moving back with my family was a complete non-starter. It felt impossible. It felt like the only thing to do.)

To be clear -- I'm not saying this is a "break" and I want to eventually make our relationship "more serious" again (by doing things that feel expected of us, like moving in together or getting married or something). We both like it as it is now. I have no plans to move in with him or another intimate partner. From where I am now, I kind of want to live on my own forever.

All this is to say, cheers and thanks a million to all of you! And especially you, Heather. Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3

sandpiper!

Thank you so much for this wonderful update! I am so incredibly happy to hear all of this and for you: what a massive and positive bunch of changes! I'm so glad for the ability to pitch in to help you get to this, and so thrilled for your life from here! <3

Thank you!!!! <3333

Happy holidays to you and your team, and many thanks again for all you do.

Thank you, and you too!

Heather is on holiday now but I will relay your wishes to the whole team!