advice for next step??

[Kela]

My home life has always been a little difficult- I was brought up in a very restrictive, religious household, and there was also other issues in my childhood.
I'm trying to, I'm not actively looking for a relationship or anything, to be honest i just want people to leave me alone for the time being. But I am lonely. I want to move past this for my own good but I just can't.

[Heather]

To get this stuff out of the way: By all means, people leaving may be, in plenty of ways, or even all the ways, selfish. making choices for ourselves and our lives has to be. And if and when people aren't really in something long-term, and committing to it that way, which no one is going to be doing when relationships are brand new (and if they are, that's not so healthy), that choice is pretty much always going to be based in self, especially since in dating relationships -- or any elective relationship -- staying around FOR someone else isn't ever part of a healthy relationship.

We've talked before about how people choosing to leave or not pursue relationships isn't always, or even often, about the other person not being right or doing something wrong. It's most often about the transient nature of all human relationships, especially romantic and sexual ones.

And for sure, with some of your breakups, or didn't-quite-happens-in-the-first-place (as in, you only dated for a few days, weeks or a month or so), no doubt the people involved haven't been bad people or wronged you in any way. But maybe some have. For sure, for example, if all someone is after is a sexual relationship, you're making clear from the front that's not what you want, and they say they're on board in something being more, it's deeply dishonest not to share with someone that all you're there for is the sexual part of the relationship.

Now that that's done with, though, I think, again, the right place to focus is on your feelings (and also, not what others have or haven't done: that's about them, not you). However well or poorly someone has treated you in any of these situations, or the current one, how you are FEELING sounds to me like this: you feel disrespected. You feel like you have sacrificed everything you could for people you date, and feel resentful about making those sacrifices and giving them everything you could give another person. You feel mistreated, and taken for granted. You feel played. You feel like you hold, effectively, all the hard feelings from your breakups, for everyone involved, with only you having or holding them. You feel a desire for some kind of payback, and wish for some disastrous outcomes so you could use it for that. You also feel like you SHOULD have different outcomes in dating relationships because you feel you "qualify" for them, and feel you even give above whatever that is, but are very upset you don't.

How's that all sound: about right? If so, how do those feelings actually feel, if you follow? Hot, like anger? Heavy, like sadness? Hopeless? Hollow? Or....?

[Kela]

I want them to feel even half the hurt feelings I do, I admit it.
When I read the part about feeling disrespected, a little voice in my head says 'but they never asked you to give everything' . But the point is, I do. It's who I am. And I would like even a little bit of appreciation and guilt on their part for putting myself through that for them. I guess I want something back.
It makes me feel very heavy inside, exhausted.

[Heather]

Again, how about we try and focus on those FEELINGS for now: what anyone else did, what informed your own actions, nor what you want from others, just your feelings that are about you, and not necessarily about you or anyone else doing or having done anything. Just how you feel.

[Heather]

(Here's a tip: it's basically impossible to go through life making choices that are in alignment with your own feelings and wants, and having relationships that are really based in mutual accord and respect, if we can't even really spend time just with our feelings and the things that are pretty much ONLY about us, not about other people. I can tell this is challenging for you -- and this is another thing I get, I had to do a looooooot of work myself over many years to be able to learn to really be with my own feelings and let them all out -- but I also think it's pretty key, so the good kind of challenge. If you can even write, say, a paragraph that expresses your feelings right now without any others -- no other people -- or do's -- what you or someone else did or do -- I think it'll be a really good start.)

[Heather]

Btw, you probably already have, given the time in the UK, but in case not, I have to scoot out for the day, but didn't want you to think I just left you hanging. I'll be back around tomorrow if you want to pick this up here more with me, personally.

[Kela]

I'm sorry Heather, I don't understand what I'm supposed to say other than what I've said above about my feelings...my counsellor has been asking for the same thing you have, but I don't understand what I'm supposed to say if what I've said above isn't right?

[Heather]

No trouble, I get that it's pretty outside your framework, I expected it to be challenging, and I also am not surprised your therapist has had similar feedback.

So, try this: statements about your feelings will always be "I" statements, and without any references to other people, basically. They will just be about you, and how you are, not about anything you do or have done. It's also not about the how or the why, if you follow, but just about the what; not about what did or didn't get you here, but just about where you are at the moment.

For example, "I feel scared of being alone because I don't like being with myself," rather than "I don't like how other people leave me so I am alone," or "I want others to feel as bad as I do." Does that make sense?

[Heather]

Here's a hack to change the focus to your feelings of one of your responses, too:

Instead of:

I want them to feel even half the hurt feelings I do, I admit it.
When I read the part about feeling disrespected, a little voice in my head says 'but they never asked you to give everything' . But the point is, I do. It's who I am. And I would like even a little bit of appreciation and guilt on their part for putting myself through that for them. I guess I want something back.
It makes me feel very heavy inside, exhausted.

This:
I feel vengeful.
I feel unappreciated.
I feel like who I am is someone who gives others everything.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel very heavy inside, exhausted.

Hope that helps.

[Kela]

okay...
I am tired.
I am done.
I feel worthless.
I feel confused.
I feel used.
I feel angry.
I feel let down.
I feel disappointed.
I feel empty all the time.
I feel lonely.
I feel unfocused.
I feel regretful.
Is that better?

[Heather]

That's awesome. I mean, those feelings aren't awesome, obviously, they don't feel awesome. That's a hard, hard batch you have there, but it also sounds to me like a very real and honest assessment of how you often seem to feel. But the harder the feelings, the tougher it can tend to be to let ourselves feel them, acknowledge them, and voice them.

This might sound cheesy, but how does it feel to just focus on your feelings and give them voice, and just focus on you, rather than on others, and on how you are, rather than what you have or haven't done?

[Kela]

To be honest, I've been carrying most of those around all my life, they just manifest themselves in different ways at different times in my life.
I know they're all in there, I feel them every day. But I don't feel like I've properly expressed them yet. I know when I do it'll signal a change in my life and I'll have to let go of all these feelings. That's a scary thing to do when they've been almost a friend to me all this time

[Heather]

That would have been my guess about you, too. And I agree, my sense is that you haven't expressed them, and that you probably feel both pretty scared of them and guilty about having them. I also have long gotten the feeling that you've been more focused on trying to push them away or "fix" them (especially with the pursuit of romantic or sexual relationships) than recognizing and acknowledging them.

If you'd like, I can have a go in a bit at taking what you have shared about those feelings and helping you start to make two lists: 1) what you -- not others, you, who you have full control over the actions of, which isn't the case for the actions of others -- can do in some of your actions and choices that really acknowledges those feelings and tends to them, and 2) what you can do to better let yourself have those feelings and care for yourself when it comes to them.

One of the beauties of really getting in touch with our feelings is that they are what best inform our self-care and our interpersonal relationships. When both those things seem to chronically be going sideways, it's usually because we either aren't aware of and honoring our feelings in the first place, or we are, but we aren't making choices that really give them the primacy and weight they should have.

[Heather]

(Btw, you should bring this list to your therapist! She'll no doubt be pretty proud of you, but this is also something really valuable for you to build on in your work together, and probably something she's been trying to get at with you.)