My dad told me...I have to have an ARRANGED MARRIAGE?!

[MoonStone7]

Heather~

I agree with what you've said, but to be honest I never thought of it as abuse! I mean, I seriously considered it, but never really thought that it actually was abuse.
I hear what you're saying about trying to stay on the good side of my family until I get to university. This is really hard, though, because I' ve tried it and it never really worked out. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I have to say what I really think, and I'll get punished for it. There's always something I'm not doing right - not enough homework, not enough study, too much talking to friends, mentioning anything un-academic...now that I think of it, my parents have never really been truly happy or proud of me unless I've been awarded something academically - e.g. an A+ on a test, or a certificate for maths, etc. And I get punished whenever the ability to be awarded for my academics is put in jeopardy.
But as you were saying, yes, I do feel like this is normal, but I sort of know I shouldn't. I guess since I have been dealing with this for so long that it has become my 'normal'.

Araliya~

I'm so glad to hear that it all worked out!
I checked out the booklet you linked, and the similarities really shocked me. Out of the list of things you wrote that excuse violence, my parents have said every one of them at one time or another.
Also, in the types of psychological violence, I have been through all of them (or will go through it) apart from jealousy, smashing things, and threats to deport someone. Yes, my parents have told me what to wear, and at one point my dad made me cc him every email I was sending and receiving (although I will admit that this was due to a bullying issue). My parents have just recently told me not to contact my friends so that I can concentrate on my studies more, and that my friends are a distraction and that in the end, "they will not be there for [me]", and they will stop me from getting a good score in Year 12. This is especially hard for me because I treasure my friends and my parents want me to turn against them.

Thanks for all the advice so far, I will try to take it into account

[Heather]

I understand, and I am so sorry these have been your experiences. I know how hard and frustrating this can be, and how trapped it can make a person feel.

Where would you like to take this talk from here, Moonstone?

[MoonStone7]

If possible, I would really appreciate if we could maybe discuss how to deal with these problems now - more specifically how to stay on my parents' good sides, at least until I begin university and I spend more and more time away from home.
Do I agree with whatever they say? They have picked all my subjects for year 12, including some that I definitely don't enjoy. Should I just stick it out till the end of school and risk getting a bad grade, or take the subjects they want me to take and use it as a prerequisite to get into a good course? I mean, even if I told them I didn't want to do the subjects they picked for me, they wouldn't listen. I had told my dad that I wanted to take Psychology or Literature instead of Chemistry, but he said, "no, you'll fail in life. Psychology is just mental stuff and literature will get you nowhere in life. You need to focus on chemistry, then you will get into a good course. You will get nowhere without chemistry." And so basically, I didn't push the matter further after that.
I wish I had some way of communicating more effectively with my dad without him picking every thing I do wrong and throwing it back at me as a comeback. I really really wish that.

[Sam W]

Hi Moonstone,

I hope you won't mind my jumping in, as Heather is off today. That sounds like a really tough situation (and nothing makes school stress worse then feeling like the topics you're pursuing aren't even ones you enjoy all that much).

As Heather mentioned earlier, in terms of getting through the time between now and when you leave, your best bet is to do what you can to toe the line and follow the rules of the house (you have a better gauge of what behaviors are the least likely to trigger abuse than we do). That will keep you as safe as it is possible to be without leaving. Would it also help to talk about things you can do to take care of yourself while you do that?

[MoonStone7]

Hi Sam,
That's fine
I think it would be great if we could talk about things to take care of myself while I try not to set off the minefield that is my family, it would help a lot.

[Heather]

One strategy I used to survive an abusive home myself was to find the things I could do that I enjoyed, and/or that would give me time and space away that also were either allowed or encouraged in my home. For example, I was able to spend a lot of time at school or the library or practicing an instrument, both things I enjoyed that gave me ways to get away or be left alone that also were encouraged, because the library meant I was studying (and I could also do things for myself there, like my own writing and reading I enjoyed), and practicing meant I was doing one of the things that, in my home, was considered to give me value.

I also did a lot of planning for when I could leave, so that when I had that opportunity, I was ready and could be - and was, in my case - out of there without hitches or any more waiting to get out. The extra perk of doing that planning is that you get to spend time envisioning a better life, which can help keep your spirits up.