embarrassing question...

[MusicNerd]

EDIT TO POST ON LAST PAGE: actually, screw it. asking for some exclusivity before sex is too much to ask of someone, and it's also kinda childish of me at 21. i'll just have to build a thicker skin to this so that i don't feel the need to ask for exclusivity first

[Redskies]

This is one of those times where it feels like screens are in the way of offering the kind of warmth and companionship we'd really want to at our end. Offering you the warmest of internet-hugs if you want it, and a virtual mug of your favourite hot beverage, and someone who'd just sit with you through the crappy feelings.

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time! If you need to just sit with the virtual warm beverage for a bit, please do that, no need to read and take on more unless/until you're ready.

When you're ready, I want to say to you (and everyone, really) in the strongest and gentlest terms that wanting to have sex only in a committed, monogamous relationship is not unreasonable. It's very, very reasonable, and you share that want/need with many other humans on this planet. It's not too much to ask, and it's definitely not childish. There is truly no maturing process where people automatically become more okay with uncommitted sex as they get older; it's not really an age thing, it's a personal preference thing. Some people have a preference for only committed-relationship sex out of a whole host of emotional and practical needs; others seem to be wired to only really desire sex with someone they feel very close to and familiar with. It's all okay, and it's all just different ways of being human. You're okay.

If someone or some external situation made you think it's you who needs to change, I'm terribly sorry, and they were wrong.

We can talk about dating-pool issues with this if you like, of course! It's just this moment seems not the moment to get into that. How can we best help you just now?

[MusicNerd]

Thanks, Redskies-- I really appreciate the warm internet-hugs and hot beverage. And also the fact that you're not judgmental about my last post I made

Like, I really enjoy just getting to know someone for a few dates, having fun, maybe making out, and then seeing where I'd like to go from there-- and the last person honestly didn't make me feel bad about changing my mind (since I initially expressed wanting something casual, and genuinely thought that's what I wanted, and she from the get-go also expressed that and was clear about not wanting a relationship at all since she got out of a year-long one), but I knew I was starting to develop feelings for this girl in a way that I knew I couldn't easily shake if we started having sex without any potential down-the-line for anything more. Honestly, it's moreso my internal judgment, and knowing that my chances are slim, that's making me feel bad about what I want.

I guess like.... this last experience made me realize that I still definitely don't wanna rush into commitment (still a bit of a recovering commitment-phobe, and my late-night ramblings mixed up "commitment" and "exclusivity" in my last post tbh whoops).
It's more that I'd like to meet people who are open to a relationship potentially happening after getting to know each other for a bit and I'd like my first time in at least a sexually-exclusive framework. That doesn't mean that I necessarily want it to be like this forever, but for now that's what I want. idk if any of that made sense?

So yeah, I hope that cleared up some of my previous ramblings. But yeah, what kinds of dating-pool issues did you wanna talk about? Because I'm still open to dating around, and am still meeting up with new people, so I'm not totally discouraged yet (literally have no clue where this openness is coming from, but I'm rolling with it anyway lol).

[Redskies]

I'm glad you're sounding a bit better! I was actually heading out at the minute you posted, but didn't want to leave you totally hanging. Happy to pick up with you tomorrow (provided my current somewhat makeshift internet holds out, fair warning!) if someone else hasn't before then.

Super-briefly, it also sounds like this experience has had its positives for you in terms of personal growth and recognising and honouring your own needs, even though there's the intermediate supreme-bummerness. I know you're sometimes struggling with feelings of being behind, but you know, there are also plenty of people in their early-mid twenties who don't have the kind of awareness and responsiveness to their own needs and wants that you're expressing now. I wouldn't describe you as behind, in relationship/sexual terms; I think you're taking a different route to the one that you've maybe been expecting or conceptualising.

By "dating-pool options", I meant that many people can be working with a fairly limited dating pool of potentially compatible partners, and that's often especially the case for queer folk. For sure, finding suitable, compatible partner/s can be a genuine thing to have difficulty with, but it's also not the-end-of-the-world-there's-nobody. Like, it can be genuinely difficult, but not hopeless, and some other folk will understand the difficulty well

[MusicNerd]

thanks so much for your reply! yeah, i'd totally be willing to pick this up tomorrow, but i'll just keep writing here and you can respond whenever works for you. and good luck with your internet!! *fingers crossed*

yeah, there's definitely some positives in this situation that i've found-- like, it's helped me figure out what i want, it's also helped me realize that there are people who are in fact very accepting and are still attracted to me despite what i perceive as my flaws and who can even relate to them (my inexperience, mental illnesses, etc.). she also said she wanted to still be friends since she likes hanging out with me. also, this situation helped me weirdly feel like maybe (emphasis on the "maybe") i can manifest what i'm looking for? like, very shortly after i decided i wanted something casual, and as soon as i very strongly felt like that was a possibility for me, then here comes this person who meets all the criteria of what i'm looking for in someone... it was really weird. if only i could feel just as strongly now that what i currently want is as real of a possibility.

"For sure, finding suitable, compatible partner/s can be a genuine thing to have difficulty with, but it's also not the-end-of-the-world-there's-nobody." <-- this is very comforting to hear coming from someone else even though my logical side of me tells me this all the time anyway. so thank you haha

and yeah, for sure, this is definitely a very different route from what i'm used to taking in this department. like, when i was abroad, i was all about casual things without any potential for commitment, and even before i left that was what i was into. so now, being open to the possibility of a relationship is definitely new (and, dare i say, "kinda scary") territory for me. tbh i didn't realize just how much my needs had changed since i last dated around, but i'm learning to adapt and to be less-scared of what i want (and fumbling clumsily along the way).

[MusicNerd]

I also forgot to mention in my above-post that I'm actually really proud of myself for a few somethings in this situation: even though I got kinda excited a little early about this girl, I'm proud of myself for not feeling compelled to stay in a situation that I eventually figured out I ultimately didn't want (which was, no desire on her part to have a potential relationship at all). Basically, I'm proud to have respected listening to what I wanted, as well as what she wanted, and being able to walk away from that (with no guarantee of clicking with my other dates) instead of hoping she'd "change her mind" and "want something more eventually" when she clearly expressed not wanting that for herself. I'm happy that I wasn't desperate enough to hold onto something that I knew wouldn't work for me and I'm glad that I didn't view it as like "my only option" or sole opportunity I was giving up, and instead I've continued giving other people a chance by just getting to know them better.

Does my inner child* sometimes irrationally worry that I may have a hard time clicking with other people in a similar way in the near future? Yeah, for sure. Does she need to work on not getting too excited about someone even when someone expresses being really into her as well? Totally, and while there's still room for improvement in that area, I'm pretty proud for how she's not as gutted or willing to close her heart from something like this as she would've been just a year ago, and to instead appreciate the experience for what it was-- a learning experience and a sign of hope for the future (as in, there are indeed people in the world I could potentially like and feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable around). And now I'm only more determined to work on those things I need to work on, and to continue to seek out connections (not just romantic/sexual, but friendships as well) with people who share my political values (since I've learned that that's apparently something I highly value and look for in someone), and to continue to be proud of myself when I decide to make a decision that feels tough at the time (like walking away, or declining a situation), but is ultimately right for me in the end.

Okay, I'm done rambling for now and you can respond to either of my posts at any point later. lol

*the "inner child" I learned is the part of myself that I've learned I need to comfort and acknowledge has some feelings from childhood that she's working through

[Redskies]

There's so much good stuff you've got in here! It's a huge thing to be able to do, to take so many positives away from a situation that was challenging and hurtful. I think you can be totally proud of yourself for all the reasons you said

You're not imagining things when you feel like you could almost "manifest" what you wanted. It's not that you create the people or magic them into your surroundings, of course - it's that when you have a clear, comfortable picture of what's right for you, and you feel right with yourself, you become very open to and aware of possible connections around you and you give off the right kind of broadcasts, which some suitable people around you receive.

Sometimes change takes us by surprise! I think individual changes themselves can always be surprising, but experiences like the one you've had with your needs and wants changing so much is a part of life clueing you in to the general concept of just how much unanticipated change can happen It sounds like you got on board pretty fast, which is a strong thing to do when it's also something that's somewhat scary to you. It's totally okay to take some time and fumbling while you navigate the new landscape!

A part of relationship/sexual compatibility is simply luck and timing. Those aren't really things that anyone can control! So, I think you're very much on the right track with cultivating a rich emotional and friendships life, seeking connections with people who are (or might be) right for you as people. Most of those will end up as cool aquaintances or good friends rather than romantic-relationship people, but if you're nourishing yourself in the ways you need emotionally, socially and politically, when you do cross paths with people who turn out to have romantic potential, you're very likely to be able to notice and pursue those in a way that's healthy and rewarding for you.

[MusicNerd]

Thanks so much, Redskies! Your words of encouragement mean a lot Also, heads up, this is gonna be another ramble-y post (sorry, it's just really nice to get my thoughts out in a safe space!)...

Hmm, perhaps that's what manifesting is really about-- being able to recognize opportunities/situations that are for me. You know, now that I mention it, I've definitely been noticing a lot better when I wanna see certain people again or not... hmm, yeah, definitely something for me to mull over.

Yeah, I figure-- I'm scared of a lot of shit, so I might as well go into shit that I want instead of regretting not doing anything and being scared on the sidelines. In the past, I think I've underestimated how much resilience and strength I could have-- I didn't realize that I could still process hurt feelings while being open to other opportunities, that those aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. Those seemed like characteristics at the time that I didn't think I had in me, but I'm starting to realize that I can go into something (that seems potentially in line with what I want) and know, like, "Okay, there's a chance this could hurt. But that's okay, because you can manage your feelings and deal with it afterwards if __________ in fact does happen. You will live, and move on if necessary, even if it hurts. Is it worth the risk to you? Here's some ways you can be kind to yourself, and some logical non-anxiety-driven-conclusions you can draw, while you're worrying about this..." Way easier said-than-done at times, and I always have to do that during times when my anxiety isn't acting up (since it can be hard to be rational during those moments) but I'd like to think I've made some improvement on that front. idk

Risk-taking helped me be more vulnerable about myself with this girl, which in turn seemed to make her feel safe enough to be vulnerable, and honestly I don't regret any of that. Not for a second, because at one point earlier this year I was so depressed that I didn't think I could ever possibly feel for another person in this way ever again (like, ever). Being more vulnerable has also helped me get a lot closer to one of my best friends who's chronically ill, which has been a huge growth process for me and a hell of an exercise in vulnerability (like, I have no clue how much time we'll have together, and that terrifies me, but makes me wanna cherish whatever time is left with her). It's also made me seek out other people who also seem comfortable enough opening up, and made me not wanna stick around for folks who don't seem interested in doing that-- I've realized that lately I've been kinda turned-off (I guess that's the word for it?) if people seem like they don't wanna open up much when we're hanging out. And that's definitely something I'm trying to get used to, because in the past I used to be sooo into that, but now it feels really unsatisfying when it happens. I'm really weirded out and thrown off by myself right now.

I'm kinda (okay, very) worried that if I do recognize opportunities to have the connections I want, that I'll somehow self-sabotage and push the opportunity away (since I've done that a lot in the past) and idk how to prevent against that, tbh... Maybe there isn't a way to prevent it, who knows...

Anyway, I'm rambling a lot (sorry about that!), but basically-- I didn't know my own strength until recently, and I'm kinda proud of myself for things I'm learning along the way.

But yeah, timing... Something I wish my anxiety would shut up about. lol Like, it's been less-chatty about it lately, but every now and then my inner child pipes up, and I have to try a trick my old counselor did of being like "feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings," so I've been trying (and failing and trying and failing...) to remind myself of that. So yeah, all I can do is just hope that things will fall into place at some point (ideally before I'm a senior citizen), and try to calm my depression/anxiety/inner child in the meantime instead of fretting over timing.

I've also been thinking about taking myself out on dates while I'm dating and making new connections with folks, since I realize I haven't done that enough for myself this semester and I need to work on that relationship for like.... ever..... I'm kinda stuck with myself. lol

[Redskies]

I don't find it too rambly! Totally happy to help give you a space where you can talk and wander your own way around your thoughts. Btw I'm just generally chatting with you about what you're writing; if there's something specific you're looking for at any point, do feel free to say.

I've always really liked the concept of dating yourself. (I came across it on Captain Awkward, but maybe it's in other places too.) It seems like such an enjoyable way of building one's own life and reducing any internal pressure about dating other people. And like you said, the relationship with our own self is the one we've definitely got for good!

Uuuargh, anxiety. I hear you on that! It really sounds like you're doing such a great job of managing it and using the tools and methods you've acquired. I think one of the things about managing anxiety is that there'll be moments, hours, days, where it all falls apart and feels terrible again; being able to pick oneself up again and get back on track is one of the management skills, I think. If you're using the techniques where you can, you're doing what you can to work on it, which is all good. Inner children do tend to need a lot of time and gentleness to learn and absorb emotional things! With the timing stuff, it might help to remember that you're not just relying on hope and luck, you're cultivating the kind of self and life where you'll be most able to find and pursue what you want; that's a big piece of the puzzle, and a thing that plenty of people don't do enough of. When you're working on everything else and your personal circumstances are good, enough good timing happens.

I'm really glad you've been able to build such a rewarding relationship with your ill friend. Serious illness can definitely prompt some watershed moments, developments or realisations for anyone close to it; I'm happy for the both of you that your friendship's got closer. Kudos to you, too, because of course it can be scary sometimes no matter the positives. It's big stuff, and choosing to let it all into your life and heart, including the ways it might change you, is a brave thing to do. It can certainly cause some shifts in perspective and re-evaluation of the ways you'd choose to relate to others.

It makes a lot of sense that, if you previously wanted less vulnerability, people who showed less emotional availability would've been more appealing. Less chance for vulnerability to enter the picture! When you're willing to open up in some way with a person, it does tend to be very unrewarding if they don't reciprocate in any way; people who are at all willing/able to offer some openness themselves are most likely to do so in reciprocation, so if you get nothing back, that's usually a good indicator that they're not in a position to offer you any. So, your feelings about people who aren't being open is probably you screening very well for who might be compatible Now you feel more capable and willing to be vulnerable even if it's still scary, so what suits you in interactions has changed. Frankly, I think vulnerability Always has some scariness just as part of what it is; when we're putting some part of our true self out there and/or experiencing someone else's, it's the wise part of ourself recognising that this is Important and it Matters. Again, it's okay to need some time to get used to this new way of being for you!

Have you been able to identify the ways you self-sabotaged and any of the reasons you did it? No pressure to necessarily talk about it, of course! If you're able to identify those things, you become more able to see it coming in the future and to figure out ways of dealing with it better; or, self-sabotaging can indicate an underlying need or difficulty that needs some attention before we're able to stop doing it.

[MusicNerd]

wow, i wrote a whole reply and then my computer deleted it as i pressed "submit"..... hopefully, i get everything in that i meant to say earlier.

anyway, sorry I took so long to respond! I was too busy working on/procrastinating finals these past few days, so that took up a lot of my time.

It makes a lot of sense that, if you previously wanted less vulnerability, people who showed less emotional availability would've been more appealing. Less chance for vulnerability to enter the picture! When you're willing to open up in some way with a person, it does tend to be very unrewarding if they don't reciprocate in any way; people who are at all willing/able to offer some openness themselves are most likely to do so in reciprocation, so if you get nothing back, that's usually a good indicator that they're not in a position to offer you any. So, your feelings about people who aren't being open is probably you screening very well for who might be compatible Now you feel more capable and willing to be vulnerable even if it's still scary, so what suits you in interactions has changed.

hmm, yeah.... i actually hadn't thought about it like that, but that makes total sense. damn, it's so simple, too. lol

Have you been able to identify the ways you self-sabotaged and any of the reasons you did it? No pressure to necessarily talk about it, of course! If you're able to identify those things, you become more able to see it coming in the future and to figure out ways of dealing with it better; or, self-sabotaging can indicate an underlying need or difficulty that needs some attention before we're able to stop doing it.

well, in the past i used to lose attraction to people who showed interest in me. that feeling doesn't seem to happen to me anymore, which is good i guess. but yeah, i guess i'm just afraid that if i meet someone i'm into who also wants what i want, then i'll just lose attraction to them because i'm scared or something.

With the timing stuff, it might help to remember that you're not just relying on hope and luck, you're cultivating the kind of self and life where you'll be most able to find and pursue what you want; that's a big piece of the puzzle, and a thing that plenty of people don't do enough of. When you're working on everything else and your personal circumstances are good, enough good timing happens.

hmm, I guess I could see how that would work. like, i'm able to more easily notice when people are flirting with me now, which is something i wasn't able to do for the longest time. but idk, i guess because that timing hasn't happened for me before, even when i was involved in way too many things at once (at the time, i used being busy as a distraction from my mental illnesses), i assume it won't line up for me in the future. but maybe i've just been in the wrong places.

like, this semester i wasn't able to do as many activities/be in as many groups because it was too tough of a semester for me to do that, so i had to narrow it down to like two groups to be actively involved in. but i'm thinking for next semester i should get out and explore the city a bit more every weekend-- so instead of sitting around in my room procrastinating homework, i can procrastinate my homework ~outside~.

but yeah, i'd like to meet more folks who are into social justice and art outside of my school, so maybe i'll check out some groups off-campus and go to some open mics. idk if that'll work in helping me make some cool connections, but who knows-- it's better than sitting around doing nothing i suppose.