Scarleteen

I'm very glad that you were able to find someone to tell you felt good about telling -- even if what got you to that telling was basically just being unable to hold it all in anymore, so it just kind of exploded like it did, which often feels pretty scary -- and that it sounds like they were very supportive and respectful of you. SO glad.

We can talk about making the choice about reporting or not tomorrow, if you'd like -- how that can go, the pros and cons, and figuring out what you really want for yourself, not just to protect others (which is a big deal, but you're the biggest deal here, so it'd also have to be something that you felt okay doing).

For tonight, though, since I'm only here for a brief evening shift, I'd like to focus on this:

With all that said, why do I still feel like this is my fault?

I don't know if you're familiar with terms like victim-blaming or rape culture, but if not, putting those into a search engine will give you some good places to get started. You can also start with a couple pieces relevant to those concepts on the site here, if you like:
• Dealing With Rape
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... _so_guilty (You may find some other things in this answer, particularly, that I think are very relevant to you: this user also didn't feel able to be honest with her parents, and her partners also reacted very poorly)
• Please Stop Calling Rape Sex
• http://www.scarleteen.com/who_are_rapis ... _on_myself

The long-story short is that a lot of, if not most, people who survive abuse or assault (especially sexual, but not only) feel like abuse must be their fault because while our world has been gradually getting better about this area of human behavior, it still overall, tends to blame victims of abuse or assault, especially when they're women and especially when it's sexual abuse or assault, for those things instead of the people who actually choose to do them to people, whose fault those behaviors always, always are.

Too, if and when someone is raised in a way where their life experiences have included the normalization of abuse, and victim-blaming, as it sounds like at least some of your home life has, that makes it even harder to put the blame where it belongs. You said that had what you told your father been true, for example, you would have deserved the physical abuse he chose to do to you.

But that's just not true. NO ONE deserves abuse, and abuse is never some kind of right or rational response to the behavior of a victim, or a victim not doing what someone who abuses them wants. Abuse is about power and control, and wanting all of it, or at least way more than someone's fair share. If abuse comes from a place of anger, anger is something people can both experience and manage without abusing someone else, and managing our anger WITHOUT doing others harm IS the only right response to those feelings, wherever they come from. However, people who abuse others, in any way, tend to make part of that convincing people they abuse they did deserve it so that they don't have to take responsibility for their own behavior and also can keep getting away with abuse because they do not want to lose all the power and control over others it gives them.

Because of both those things up there, especially when both are in play, it often takes people who have survived abuse both a long time to learn to stop self-blaming, but also tends to involves some real effort and work, often with the help of people who job it is, and who have the training and education to do that job well, to help survivors heal.

So, both given time, getting further and further away from ANY kind of abuse, and your own work over time to heal yourself, this feeling that any of this is your fault will be something you feel less and less. But even with getting and staying away from any kind of abuse -- be it rape or abuse within a family -- and doing that kind of work, it may take a while, so it can help to just try and be patient with yourself, just gently reminding yourself as best you can each time it feels like your fault that, nope, it isn't. If someone walks up to someone else and punches them in the face, the only person whose fault that is is the person doing the punching. The same goes here.

(I am bummed your Star Wars experience got lost in this, though. That stinks!)

Heather, I so love you! Can I say that, lol! You have been such a BIG help!

And fyi, rapist was fired. He will not be at the party Saturday. Still not a fan of my dad after this punishment but I am happy with my rapist being fired. I just need to tell my dad the truth about all this

I read this link you sent: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... _so_guilty
The story reminds me of me. told him I didn't want sex, and when I ended up alone with him it was nothing but "come on, come on, come on, you can do it, no worries" again and again. I should have been stronger! This is why I feel guilty, I could have just got up and walked away, could have said no. Then again I said no a few dozen times, none of it helped. Wish I had a condom on! That was sooooooo stupid of me!!!

I have to say that when he had all my clothing off I already was not happy with myself, but I was thinking it would't go any farther, I was very wrong. I am the one that let him do it, but I did not want it.

And to be honest he was in me longer then what I said in my first post, I just didn't want to admit it. Erin's story about her rape is very close to how it was for me. And that could start a whole new problem, I am sure you know what it is.

When you can (no rush) toss me the cons about reporting.
Wouldn't it be best in reporting this rape now or can I wait months with no problem?
What about dna? rape test? Did I already go beyond the time limit on this? Would it be needed for court anyway?

No rush on the answers as I don't have a clue what I will do. I am happy I talked and that I have 2 adults who now know but part of me thinks I should just stop right here and go on with life. The other part does not.

I have a doctors apointment on Monday. No doubt will have a gyno test, something I have never done, just not sure what my reaction will be. My doctor is a female so that helps.

Right after that I have a ticket for star wars. Good way of ending the day.

I do have a post directly above this one. I don't want anybody not reading it.

Sam W wrote:Would you like me to help you draft the letter still? I can come up with a very basic frame for it that would let you use it for both your parents and anyone else you needed to tell. That may help make the process a little less thorny to get through, and be a way for you to tell what you need to.

Sam, if you could do this that would be great. I have tried to write this out a few times now with no luck. How much should I tell my parents is the problem. I can't just say rape yet I can't give all the details as it feels wrong. or maybe more details the better this way I never have to talk about it? Should this be a PG rated letter or an X rated letter?

Hi only_human,

I'm so glad that you won't have to see this guy at the party and that your dad fired him. Even though he didn't fire him knowing what we know here, it is good that he faced some consequence for what he did (in a bittersweet way, since the best version of the world is one in which he never did this in the first place).

I'm glad too that the piece by Erin resonated with you. It can help to read that you're not alone in your experiences. Below is a very basic template for a letter. That way, you can adjust it to fit your needs. Plus, this would work for telling a friend what happened too, to contradict the lies he told.
"Dear mom and dad,
This is not an easy thing for me to write, but I feel that you need to know the truth about what [name of the guy here] did to me.
It was not consensual. He sexually assaulted me. [Describe what actually happened to the degree that you feel comfortable]. I told you that I agreed to it because [insert the reasons that you told us here].
[Here is where you tell them how you are feeling now, and what they can do to support you. If nothing else, I suggest asking them to believe you]."

I can help you fill in more if need be, but wanted to leave lots of room for it to be your voice telling the story. With the details, it would likely work best to tell what you need to in order to get them to understand, but balance that with what you think the reactions would be. And, as I mentioned above, it would be sound to adjust the letter if you think certain details would lead to your dad reacting violently again.

I'm so glad that we've been able to give you help you want and that's been valuable to you.

I can talk to you about the pros and cons of reporting in a general way here (and will in one sec), but the very BEST person to talk to about that is a rape crisis advocate local to you, because they will be very familiar with your local processes and how they work. And in the event you do decide to report, they can assign an advocate to you who will be YOUR advocate -- that means the person on your side, for everything, no matter what -- who can not only be sure you're treated fairly and safely in any step of that process, but who can also get you connected with other things you may want and need, like dedicated (and free) counseling and emotional support when it comes to your assault AND the abuse you've been suffering at home, as well, healthcare (like STI testing it'd be best you get since this assault was unprotected), the works. They also have lawyers who volunteer for them so you could have your own dedicated lawyer, should you move to report, who would be someone very informed about the needs of assault and abuse survivors. I'm guessing the physical abuse you suffered from your father this week wasn't a first time, and I am personally very concerned about your own going safety, both physical and emotional. So, from where I'm sitting, there's more than one kind of danger you've been in -- and are still in -- and more than one way you've been abused.

In the event you want to consider that, I've done some research for you locally, and this organization looks like your best bet: http://www.wcaboise.org/ You'll see the hotline number for them for sexual assault on the top right hand corner of their page. Even if you just want, for now, to call in and find out more about what they can offer you, you can use that number to do that.

But again, I can still give you a brief overview based on what I know and what I know about this particular situation:

Physical evidence from your assault isn't something they can gather at this point, because that's something that needs to be done right after an assault. Unless you sustained injuries from the assault there is evidence of now -- bruises, etc., though given the abuse from your father, it may be hard for them to differentiate what injuries are from that and what from the assault -- or contracted an STI or became pregnant, there just isn't any physical evidence they can collect, as it won't be on your body anymore.

But that doesn't mean you couldn't report, it just means that your case would be harder to prosecute if they (they being your local police department) moved forward with a case. You're right: people who rape rarely only do it once. Most rapists are serial rapists, meaning that they do it again and again, and usually to more than just one victim. So, even in the event that your case may not have enough evidence to prosecute, just filing a report can support any other cases, past, present or future, that may be open or be opened in the future from other victims of this person.

Taking sexual assault into the justice system isn't easy. It's much easier when a victim is connected to the kind of advocacy system I suggested, but it's still hard. It's hard to tell your story, often in great detail, again and again to people you don't even know. It's hard to be asked a lot of questions about it. It takes a lot of time and energy, and while the identity of victims who report are protected to a large degree, it would be very difficult for someone your age, living at home, to go into that process without your family finding out. (On the whole, btw, I don't think that's a bad thing, except where I have concerns about your safety at home, but it sounds like your safety is at risk there regardless.) And the really hard truth is that more often than not, people who sexually assault people do NOT wind up being charged, and if and when they are, their sentences are often exceptionally light to none at all, which can obviously be very hard to bear when it happens.

On the other hand: some victims find that fighting that fight, as it were, is very healing for them, and feels like some way they can take some of the control that was taken from them back. Like you already talked about, some victims find that they feel reporting at least allows them to use what happened to them to make things safer for others from that person, which can feel very valuable. For some, reporting helps them to get some resolution and to feel like they have done all they could for themselves in this way.

That's an overview, so again, if you want to really talk this choice through with someone, I'm happy to do that with you more, but I think a local advocate -- in other words, a local version of me whose sole job this is -- would be an even better person to talk to because they will know more and can also do more for you as you can access them in person.

* * *
I would like to address some other things you said in your last response to me that still feel like you taking responsibility for things you likely had no control over and which are NOT your responsibility. But I don't want to load too much on you, so I'm going to hang tight on the rest until/unless you tell me that's something you want me to do.

Sam W wrote:And, as I mentioned above, it would be sound to adjust the letter if you think certain details would lead to your dad reacting violently again.

Welcome to my life sam. Maybe this is why I can not write it? I was punished enough for the little that he knew (none of it true) and now I plan on telling him the truth but not sure how much truth I should write. When I do write I find myself writing as if it was still my fault, that does me no good. if I do write it I will mention the movie theater problem I had, maybe I would get a little more understanding from him.

btw I do like the template you made. I'll see what I can do.

Heather wrote:people who sexually assault people do NOT wind up being charged, and if and when they are, their sentences are often exceptionally light to none at all, which can obviously be very hard to bear when it happens

This I do know from the news. I hear about stories of rape and yet the rapist just walks off and the victim becomes yet another victim. That Lakers player would be a good example.

I read everything you said Heather, read it a few times, not sure what else I can say. It just doesn't sound worth it. I also live in a rural area of Idaho, far north of Boise, a little city that doesn't have much, and a city that has maybe 3 cops.

I see my doctor on Monday, that is if I go, not sure if I will. I plan on telling her everything if I do, I know she cant repeat anything, but maybe she knows of something out here that I don't.

No need on addressing anything else unless you have the time and wish on doing so. i read everything you type out but I feel like a broken record.

You don't feel like a broken record to me, so if you have any concerns in terms of participating here about that being OUR experience of you, know that while you may be experiencing yourself that way, I feel confident saying that's not the impression any of us have here. And even if we WERE going over the same or similar things more than once, that'd be okay. All of this stuff is big stuff, and you have more than one kind of trauma and abuse you're grappling with, so going around more than one with the same thing is just kind of how processing all of this goes, sometimes for years, not just days. That's okay (even though I know it can feel tiresome).

When it comes to reporting, or not, I really think that choice needs to be about what feels right and safe for YOU. There's no right or wrong here, just what you need to do to take the best care of yourself as possible, and to keep yourself safe. Knowing now you're rural, rather than in a major city, and hearing what you're saying, I agree with you: reporting where you are sounds pretty precarious. If it felt like the right thing for you, or does later, I'd suggest you only do that if you DO call an advocate like I suggested and have someone like that with you. Otherwise, reporting sounds pretty unsafe for you to me, too.

Really, what I wanted to say about some of the things you have been saying is that the idea that you could have had more control than you did still sounds like more self-blame to me, and probably isn't very realistic. Unfortunately, the man who assaulted you probably saw your vulnerability from the get-go: he had more power than you due to being an adult when you're a legal minor. He probably knew, either because you told him or in some other way, that you don't come from an emotionally healthy or safe home. (And that also makes it harder to see someone abusive coming.) It wasn't up to you for him to wear a condom, and asking him to put one on probably wouldn't have resulted in that happening. He took all the control here: you didn't have it. And none of this was about you not being "strong enough." It was about someone else calling the shots and wearing you down on purpose, and, unfortunately, effectively. But again, that's not about your failings as a person: it's about his.

I'm hoping that if you haven't already, you explore more of the content we have here on the site about sexual abuse and assault, and about abuse and assault, period. Just getting yourself more information about how these things work, what their dynamics are, and what abuse is really all about is something I think may be helpful and healing for you.

I am very overdue for a day or two off of work, so I'm heading out today and tomorrow to take some time off. But as you know, we've got a great team here, and I can assure you we are all very dedicated to doing all we can to help someone who has been in -- or is in still, as you are at home -- any kind of abuse to feel supported. So, please do ask for whatever you need from us, including if that's just talking here. We're all thinking of you and rooting for you.

I did see my rapist today. I found him at the store. I found his truck first before I walked in so I ended up just waiting across the street and watching him come out and drive away. He never did see me. it was strange just waiting for him to leave, like I was stuck in some place with no choice because he was around. A few weeks ago we had some relationship, now I see him and freak out. I am stuck and yet he drives around and pretends that nothing happened and goes on with life. i am the victim and yet I hide and he has a life.

I have explored all the links listed on the replies, nothing more then that. Can only handle so much info. The link of Erin's Story was helpful, disturbing, and also the closest of how things happened for me.

I must ask something embarrassing. Maybe I should ask this in another section but i'll stay on here. When does my sexual drive come back? When I say drive I am talking about masturbating and stuff. It has been 8 days now and I have done nothing. Taking a shower and just washing up feels like a challange. Looking in the mirror feels like I am looking at a nobody. All these thoughts have hit me the last few days, like a wave. I have my little secrets on enjoying myself but right now I look at them like a sin. Is this normal for a victim? When does it come back? Should I force myself to do it or just wait for who knows how long before I am ready? You say processing can sometimes take years, that freaks me out.

it will be another week before I get my next period. I hope I get it. This is slowly becoming a nightmare for me, one day at a time. I am trying not to think of it.

Right now I have pain on my right breast. it has happened before, my right breast is a little smaller then my left so I think this is the reason. I am a 34B so I always think the pain is maybe my right breast growing a little more. I just hope it's nothing else, a sign of whatever.

Yep, I still have that self-blame, I can't stop my thinking on this. I had a relationship with him that was a secret. No way would my parents let me go out with him. My parents knew him and loved him but they still would never let me go out with a 22 year old. And we had some good fun times, just having fun. We started kissing on maybe day 5, I let him do it. he tried to put his hands on me but I told him no, he was okay with that. But every day was a little more, a little something that was a no on one day and yet was okay on the next day. One little day at a time. Maybe day 10 when he wanted to finger me, I told him no, but he said that he wanted a better relationsip with me. 15 minutes of I can't and yet I still let him do it. My one dumb rule for this was that I did not want him looking, I didn't want him to see me nude, he was okay with that. I felt so terrible that night, knew I shouldn't have, yet I still did go back. he fingered me every day after that, I just let him do it, thinking that if I give him this then he will be okay with not having sex. On the day before I was raped he asked for a blowjob, I said no (like a broken record) but he wanted to feel good for a change. He took it out but I had to walk away, this was the one time i don't blame myself. he apologized and told me he wouldn't do it again. The night of the rape he had his house to himself so we played in his bedroom. he started taking my clothing off, this I did not want, but he told me he just wanted to look at me. I told him okay as long as he kept his clothing on. Minutes later, his clothing is off, and i am confused on why I let him do this. he wants me to give him a blowjob, I tell him no. He had it near my face one time, saying please. I ended up kissing it and said no more! Minutes later, he wants a real blowjob, either that or let him enter me a little bit. Why didn't I just walk off? I was scared of doing any of this, but I wasn't scared of him. I trusted him. I do not know how many times he asked, but I guess I just got sick of all the asking. I told him he could enter me a little bit, I told him this. I prefered this over giving him a blowjob. This is where I blame myself, again. I watched him get above me, and I just didn't feel like myself. I was scared about all of it, I told him I was scared. He promised me it would be okay, not to be scared. He was the one who opened my legs, not me, and when I noticed he was about to enter me I told him to put a condom on first. he said he didn't have one, but I told him I had one in my backpack. I told him to wait as I wanted to get it, he said that he would only be in me for a second. Why did I say okay? Strange thing it that I could picture my mom giving me that condom, telling me to play safe, and yet here I was not having one on. He was rubbing it against me at first, I told him not to do that, but he said he was making it less painful for me. he then entered me a little bit, it was a little painful. I was beyond mad at myself for going this far, I did my best in not looking directly at him because I didn't want him knowing I was mad at myself. He asked if I liked it, I said yes, that was a lie. He opened my legs farther open, started gently pushing in a little more, I was about to say no but a second later he forcefully pushed all the way in me! I screamed. I couldn't talk. Seconds go by and I try and tell him to stop. he asked if I was enjoying it, I told him no! His full weight was on me, his arms held my legs up, I couldn't do a thing! He ended up having sex with me for a couple minutes (it was not 30 seconds), I cried like a baby the full time. I don't know if he got off me because I was in so much pain and misery, or if he got tired of me, or the other that I am doing my best in not thinking about. He got off me, and I know I am no longer a virgin. had blood around me, I knew this would happen but it was a shock on looking at it on me. *He told me that it was normal for virgins.* This is the line that tells me that I was not his first, but right now I am not sure if he said that line or if I am telling myself that he did. I don't know. I do not run away, I do not scream at him, I did nothing. We ended up kissing again, I let him do it, I think it was my way of just keeping things cool and sane. I acted like I was okay, like it was no big deal. Got dressed, doing my best on giving him a smile. Before I left he gave me another deep kiss, forcefully grabbed my butt, and said I love you. i said nothing and walked off. When I got around the corner I cried like never before! Some lady noticed me and asked if I was okay, I told her yes and just started walking. This was my one true shot of reporting everything, but I did not. I think the lady lived in one of those houses, I have been thinking of finding her and maybe have some kind of witness if I report it. it must have been an hour before I ended up going home. Got a shower, cried. had blood on my clothing, ended up tossing it in a trash can down the road.

It wasn't my idea of writing all of that out but it looks like I just did. I guess that is my story. I still have self-blame as you can see. And yet I still do not want to report it. part of me wants to delete everything above but I am posting it. If any of you wish on changing a few things around or telling me I should delete something then let me know. ALL OF YOU CAN DO THIS FOR ME. Maybe I will e-mail this to an advocate.

I am done typing. I am exhausted from thinking all of that all over again. But I did it. I guess that is good.

Wow. I think you are very brave to spell out all that happened to you like that and look it in the face, so to speak. That must have taken a lot of strength.

I will say this again even though you know it already and it probably won't change how you feel: not your fault. What this guy did to you is not your fault. He committed a crime and that was his decision. You are not to blame. Really, really not.

I unfortunately can't tell you how long it will take before you are comfortable being sexual with yourself again. My advice here is to give yourself time and wait until you feel like it.

Btw, bleeding is not "normal for virgins". Yes, some women do bleed a little bit during or after the first PIV intercourse, but plenty more don't. Bleeding is, however, often present if intercourse was violent, rough and / or non- consensual.

I am so sorry you have to got through all this. And I must admit I am feeling very angry as well right now, that someone would actually go and do this to another human being.

Is there any chance that you might get some kind of counseling or therapy and / or connect with other survivors to help you get through the aftermath of this trauma?

I am thinking of you. I believe you. I am firmly convinced that the harm done to you is not your fault. It is unfair that you are suffering and he doesn't seem as if he is. But I am afraid you can't change this injustice right now. All you can do is take the best possible care of yourself and get all the help you can. Again, you are obviously very brave. I wish you lots of strength and lots of support.

Hi only_human,

I can understand why you feel exhausted from typing that. It must have been a hard thing to write out, and I am glad you feel comfortable enough here to share it with us.

As Sunshine mentioned, feeling desire again after an assault is really variable. For some people it comes back fairly quickly, others it takes much longer. And that can be so frustrating if you're the person waiting for it to return. One thing that might help is to know that losing your sexual drive or suddenly not feeling comfortable being sexual (even with yourself) is a side effect that many survivors experience. So you're not alone or weird for having this happen. What you can do now is be patient with yourself, and heal as you need to.

With the letter we were discussing, is there a way for you to send it and then plan to be somewhere safe (like staying with a friend) for a bit? (BTW, if you feel like sending it still puts you too much at risk, then air on the side of not sending it. I just want to explore all the options before scrapping it as an idea, since it sounds like it might help you tell your parents what happened)

thanks guys,

I know, not my fault. if all of this happened to a girl I knew I would be telling her the same thing.

It was kinda easy typing it all out. I started with the one line and I just didn't stop. Before I knew it I was done. Now I just wonder what I should do with it. I did look for some advocates out here, can't find anything local, but none of them have e-mail contacts, everything is by phone.

Sunshine, I live in a rural area so you will not find any kind of real help or groups out here. I have Boise listed as my location but I am hours north of that place. What we do have for help is an all volunteer fire department, but I think I am far from what they want.

Sam, I can stay with my friend, and it is her mom and dad that know about all of this so I know they will be okay with it, but I am so not normal right now so I dont think I would be good company. I guess I could give my parents this letter, add the movie theater stuff with it, and then stay with them, but for how long? I was thinking about sending it to the police department but all they would want is me coming over and telling them everything, and then Heather said most rapist don't get charged at all so what is the point? All that I can see happen (been thinking about this a ton!) is that local news talks about my rape and how he was arrested and let go hours later, the news does not say who the victim is but give it a few days everybody will know its me, and then I go to school and act like nothing happened. I was reading on how most rapes go unreported, I can understand why.

Speaking what is on my mind. I guess if I find out that I am pregnant I will do something (Typing that one line was harder then typing out the full story). The one group we have one city over is planned parenthood, and I know they give free rides to boise. Doing my f'n best in not thinking about this but not much I can do. My hope is that I get my period next week, this way I can just no longer worry. I think about this more and more each day. I think I will be okay, it's the wait that I don't like.

My hope is that I can get back to normal after christmas break, get back in school, think of something else, have some kind of normalcy, stop thinking about all of this. I keep on finding myself on here as I must talk but I hope when school starts I will be back to normal and not want to talk about this again.

Only just checking things today, so not able to dig in, but wanted to suggest you call the organization in Boise I linked you to: if there is an advocate near you, they can connect you, and if not, they may - as plenty of advocacy organizations like this do for rural areas - either themselves travel to do advocacy or will connect you with someone else who does.

Today was one of those days. had my doctors apointment, told her everything other then rape. Did tell her is was unprotected so I got myself a mix of tests from her. This was my first gynecologist exam, it was no fun.

heather, I did contact the sexual assault hotline out here. I did talk with the local advocate on the phone, she is a retired sheriff detective who now volunteers as an advocate with idaho state police but does not report directly to them (still confused on that). Rural areas of idaho have advocates that work directly with state police, I had no clue about any of this, I was expecting some small womans clinic or something. I told her about scarleteen plus my sn and how I have been posting on here so I know she read most if not all of this. I can meet her tomorrow at 11am at the police station or another location if I wish. The police station is located in the same building that has our fire station/city hall/library so its easy on keeping everything private, nobody would be asking me why I was at the police station. This is a confidential talk, just her and me, nothing being reported.

I now feel like I am being rushed. I don't have to show up tomorrow but now it just feels like everything is happening all at once. First a doctors apointment that was no fun and now a talk that will be no fun. This advocate/detective did sound nice so I know this talk will be okay, but it is still a challange. She will not report anything, it's only a talk, so I guess thats good. if she reads everything I posted on here then my talking will be minimal, so thats a plus.

I guess I am just scared all over again.

Just passing through again, but please know you get to do any of this at your own pace, and that is something any advocate will both understand and support. I'd just suggest that if you want to reschedule you call and let her know as a courtesy.