Going Home for Winter Break

[MusicNerd]

That's a really handy list-- thank you so much for taking the time to write that out for me! I really appreciate it, and just how understanding you and the rest of the staff have been about this whole thing. Sometimes it's all too easy for me to feel like I'm overreacting to a seemingly not-so-bad situation, so it's nice to feel validated in that sense.

Per being alone, it sounded like you were going to be doing some schoolwork over that time, but you know, not all of us -- and not me, specifically -- celebrate holidays here, so you are certainly welcome to hang out around here as much as you'd like over that time.

Yeah, I'll definitely hang around here! Thankfully, I'm only seeing my parents on Christmas Day, so since it's less than a full day, I can manage that.

Heck, you mentioned you're out of any work: write a piece for us during that time! I know you've got yourself some mad op-ed skills for a fact.

OMG, I'd absolutely love to write a piece for y'all! Thank you so much idk what I should write about, but if you have any ideas just shoot me an email!

Personally, I love being alone, and when I know I can get opportunities for real alone time, I tend to go to a place of "Oh boy! What have I been aching to do by myself that I can't do with others around, or isn't as fun?" For example, if I want to practice an instrument, I can not have to worry about driving someone else bonkers by working on the same thing over and over and over again. Or, I can experiment with cooking new things where I know I'll feel less bad if they all turn out to be total fails. Learn new dance moves! Sing loudly in the shower! Marathon the crap out of a show to a degree that were anyone else around, you'd feel embarrassed at being suck a slacker. In other words, you can treat it a bit like a staycation and get dreamy about the greatness of being alone.

hmm, that makes a lot of sense honestly. I guess the only thing I'm worried about is feeling bummed out that virtually everyone else I know is going home to a loving family and I'm avoiding mine. I guess some might call it jealousy, but I definitely feel bad for feeling that way sometimes (though I'm trying to do this thing where I don't judge myself for my feelings) since it's really not their fault that they have solid relationships with their families.

you know, maybe I could use this as an opportunity to start taking myself out on dates like I mentioned I would in another thread recently. like, i could explore my own city and pretend to sort of be a tourist over break, maybe see some shows or tourist attractions and museums for cheap or something. and i'll probably find some new shows to binge-watch on Netflix (btw, if you haven't seen it yet, go check out Jessica Jones-- it's *awesome* at talking about abuse and consent and all those things, and it's got a really great plot-line!! haha )

[Heather]

I'll drop an email this weekend! (I spaced mentioning we can pay for pieces now, btw, which is not a small detail! Oops!)

[Heather]

I do want to say that while it may be that everyone in your peer circles has functional, safe families they are going home to for the holidays, I hope you can recognize that that's not about soooooo many people having that, and you not having it. Really, if all your friends truly have that (rather than perhaps some of them not being honest because it hurts to be, or not having the awareness yet to know their families aren't so awesome), then your friend group is pretty unusual.

Unfortunately, abuse and even more so, dysfunction in families is tremendously common, so quite a lot of people will be in the spot you're in.

I don't personally celebrate these winter holidays (mostly because that's just not part of or in line with my own spiritual practice), but you know, if it helps to have some solidarity, I'm happy to be open and vulnerable with you and say that still get feeling left out. One of my parents comes near to where I live now because my sibling moved to the state a few years back when her husband got a job transfer, and there they all are, hanging out right across the water over there without usually making any efforts to include me, even in things that aren't about celebrating a religious holiday I don't. Were I to try and take part in any of it in ways that work for me -- which would include things like healthy boundaries, and not being willing to live in denial about how I grew up and have been treated since I left home at 15 -- I can guarantee you, from experience, there would still be some kind of dynamic where I was treated poorly and ganged-up on in some way, often in ways that are easy for the people doing that to gaslight around or deny, or in some way make to be my fault or doing. It's really hard for me, and I don't even have any big stake in this particular time of year and holiday stuff, so I have no doubt it's hard and it hurts a lot for you, and I'm so sorry about that. No one deserves that kind of hurt, and from everything I know of you, you are a wonderful, kind and thoughtful person who I know brings good things to the world and the people around you. I'm sorry if your family ever makes you feel less valuable than you are.

[MusicNerd]

hey, sorry to take so long to respond! i saw your post yesterday morning, but then i had to catch a train to meet my friend in order to stay with her for the weekend and didn't have much access to the internet until now. a lot of thoughts are running through my head right now, so the second post below this one is gonna be kinda long and rambly, because i had a giant fight with my dad today-- just let me know if you need me to clarify anything for you.

I'll drop an email this weekend! (I spaced mentioning we can pay for pieces now, btw, which is not a small detail! Oops!)

oh wow, I did not know that! thanks for letting me know haha i look forward to hearing from you and the ideas you have!

also, i'm sorry you've also had to deal with those kinds of dynamics during the holidays, but it's really inspiring to me to see you get through it and to be so open about your experiences with it, honestly.

[MusicNerd]

I do want to say that while it may be that everyone in your peer circles has functional, safe families they are going home to for the holidays, I hope you can recognize that that's not about soooooo many people having that, and you not having it. Really, if all your friends truly have that (rather than perhaps some of them not being honest because it hurts to be, or not having the awareness yet to know their families aren't so awesome), then your friend group is pretty unusual.

mm, yeah i guess you have a point there. even i for most of my life thought my family was "great" and functional.

luckily, my close friend i'm visiting believes me when i tell her about some of the dynamics between me and my parents, and she and her family have been so kind and caring to me and treating me like a member of their family (my friend has even said i'm an "honorary-[insert her last name here]" which was really touching, honestly). i've realized this year that i'm starting to learn what love feels like from quite a few of my closest friends-- like what love really feels like. and i hate to say it, but.... it doesn't feel like the love my parents claim to have for me-- it feels so much better, so much more freeing! like, there are no-strings attached, and i don't have to suffer or feel bad about myself in order to have the love of my closest friends. i can just be myself and that seems to be enough of a reason for them to feel i'm deserving of their love.

something happened today that was a giant wake-up call for me-- basically, i won't be going home for christmas this year. long story short: my parents invited me to a christmas eve thing last week, and they asked me to let them know if i have any conflicts, etc., and at the time i said i was free to go. well, when i let my parents know on friday that i wasn't living with them, my mom seemed super okay with it and was like "if you need to come back at any point, just let me know and we'll welcome you ~with open arms~" and i was like "okay, thanks!" so, recently i figured since they didn't seem too pressed about me coming over for christmas eve, and they seemed to be okay with me coming over just for christmas day, i let them know that i was coming over for christmas day yesterday and that i have conflicting plans on christmas eve. mind you, there was one not-so-small thing neither of them had told me for roughly a month: my dad will be at work instead of at home on christmas. mind you, this was after i told my dad this morning that i wanted to separate our bank accounts and that i'd show him how to use a free app on christmas day for if either of us needs to ever borrow money from each other, and he was like "okay, cool!" as if he was gonna be there that day instead of at work....

then, my mom tells me today that he won't be there on christmas. so, i called her to ask why no one told me, and it turned into this thing where she started guilt-tripping me (but of course telling me she "wasn't trying to guilt-trip me") for having plans on christmas eve, even though she initially seemed fine with it, and she nor my dad ever told that he wasn't gonna be there and it turned into me calling her out and telling her i wasn't gonna take her guilt-tripping anymore and then she hung up on me.

a few minutes later, my dad calls me and tells me how "mom's not getting any younger, i don't want her blood pressure to be raised too much, she was really upset you hung up on her" and i was like, "she hung up on me, she's not even telling you what really happened!" and he basically is taking her word instead of mine. and i, for the first time ever, lost my shit-- i started yelling at him about how i was tired of him prioritizing her feelings at the expense of mine, and pinning the responsibility of "keeping the family together" unjustly on me and how that's not my responsibility, and essentially for letting my mom throw temper tantrums and passive-aggressively manipulate her way out of things, and how i wasn't gonna be made to feel like i was crazy. he of course denied all those things and kept telling me to "calm down" to which i retorted "i've been 'calm' and shoving my feelings down for 21 years-- i'm DONE." and he kept telling me things like "family is everything", "talk to me later" and i essentially told him, not until he and mom stopped denying my experiences and started accepting responsibility for things.

that phone conversation was just.... it turned my sadness into an anger i didn't even know i had, you know? like, my own father doesn't believe the things that he and her did to me, even when i gave concrete examples. he asked me why i was upset over things that happened when i was a kid, and i had to inform him that it was still happening, and he kept gaslighting me so. hard. and refusing to accept my mom's narcissistic behavior and his enabling of it (i didn't use those terms exactly, but still).... it was just a lot and it ended in me being a crying mess afterwards over how my own father thinks i'm a liar. luckily, my friend was able to comfort me and we went out and had some fun around her town today, but yeah.... i've realized i just can't talk to them anymore.

sorry, that was a lot, but i just had to get it out somewhere.

[Redskies]

Heather's away today, but I'm happy to pick up with you again.

First, I just wanted to say how very pleased I am that you were able to take so much action to keep yourself out of abuse. I know it can be very challenging to recognise and accept that we need to do it, and then to do the practical things while everything feels so Much; sitting here admiring your strength and determination, and relieved you stayed away from a situation that sounded like it was likely to harm you a lot.

I'm so deeply sorry that you're in this situation in the first place, and that this latest development was so full-on and hurtful. You deserve better from any parent than the way either of them behave to you. How they're behaving isn't about you, it's them choosing to behave in that way, and they'd do it no matter if they had the greatest human being who ever existed on earth as their offspring.

In the midst of all this, I'm also deeply glad that you've found your voice and your conviction that you shouldn't be harmed in this way. Because you Shouldn't. Children of households like this often find it difficult to realise and stand by those things; when we do, often hell breaks loose, as if we were the ones who were making everything not-okay. We often get landed with the responsibility of creating the illusion of a happy, close family (or whatever our particular family is supposed to look like); and it's more often a young person in the family who sees things somewhat as they are and pushes back, while (older) adults stay entrenched and/or in denial. And of course, we get a huge, huge amount of pushback, because the people behaving that way and/or entrenched or in denial don't want to be faced with the reality, so they try everything to make it stop except recognising or dealing with the reality itself. In a way, we Do disrupt everything by refusing to be treated so badly any more; but everything was definitely not okay before, because we were being harmed, and that is Not okay. Things are only okay in a family if everyone in it is safe. Sure, they're upset that you're putting the not-okayness right back on their doorstep, but it was theirs to start with, so.

Sometimes finding that anger is finding a path toward a safer, healthier life. You have every right to feel angry: they treated you and have continued to treat you badly.

I'm glad we can be a place where you can get out whatever you need. It's absolutely okay for you to write as much as you need. Are there any other ways we can help you at the moment?

[MusicNerd]

thanks so much, Redskies! it means a lot for you to say all those things and to validate my experiences and feelings like that.

well, the only thing is my dad texted me earlier today asking "are you okay? <3" and I really don't wanna respond... but also my new debit card came in the mail to their place and I need to get it within the next few days since my current one is gonna expire.

I also need to ask for yet another extension from my professor because all of this plus the stress of finding a place to live and packing to temporarily move and everything took up basically all my time to work on the homework assignments I'm behind on. I was thinking about writing it like:
"Hi Dr. _______,

I really did not want to do this, but I need one more extension. There were emergency issues I had to deal with regarding home, and I was temporarily unsure of where I was going to live for winter break (but now I've finally found one, thankfully).

Unfortunately, due to those issues and trying to find a place to live, I wasn't able to continue working on my assignments since I last saw you, and I was wondering if I could have more time past the 23rd to work on the assignments?

Best,
[my actual name]"

She seems really understanding, and seemed to be able to tell this whole semester that I was dealing with a lot, but I feel really guilty asking her for another extension since I'm behind on my work and she's been so kind thus far. I don't want her to feel like I'm intentionally taking advantage of her kindness.

those are the two main things I'm worrying about as I move into my friend's empty apartment.

[MusicNerd]

UPDATE: my mom just sent me a "nice" text about apologizing for not telling me dad wasn't gonna be home for christmas and that "if [you] need a ride on christmas just let us know. have fun on xmas eve with your friends! love you" and I don't know what's going on anymore. she's done this before where she'll do a cycle of mean-nice-mean-nice behavior, but never actually apologizes for the real problems she's caused. it's such a mind-fuck, and I feel like she's not being honest and is doing this so that I can trust her and give her attention again.

[Redskies]

I have mostly left for the day, but checked in on you. (It's cool, my choice, you're no trouble at all. Been in a similar place to where you're at and I wished some people could've helped me more.) Glad I did.

For your extension request: I also ran it by an understanding university academic in my personal life, to check my thoughts fit with the reality. Obviously, there may be some cultural differences cross-continent, so as always, use your best judgement Suggestions are:
- say "need to ask for one more extension"
- as you say she seems understanding, we suggest you say slightly more about your circumstances. You're right to keep it short, but the current version doesn't quite communicate what's happened for you the last few days. Obviously it's fine to not give details, but if you feel able, it's a better idea to explicitly say that unexpectedly and in the last couple of days, family difficulties that you've been having during the semester escalated and you were no longer able to go home, as planned, for the winter break, and that you had to use the time you had blocked out for assignment-writing on finding a place to stay. If you feel this person is understanding, it's helpful to them to give them the information they need to make the most informed and fairest decision about granting you a further extension, and they'd want to be able to do that.

I understand you feeling guilty about this, and I do agree it isn't ideal; however, my friendly academic (Partner, if you were wondering - I know you're a long-time community member ) and I are strongly in agreement that the difficulties you're having in these circumstances are deeply understandable and that any humane person with half a clue would give you whatever extra room they could.

[MusicNerd]

okay, that totally makes sense, i'll add those extra things in. thank you so much for taking the time to write to me even though you're busy, Redskies!

also, because of my mom sending that "nice apology" text, i think i'm just gonna have to send my parents an email once-and-for-all explaining that i can't trust them anymore, and i just want my debit card.

[Mo]

One thought I had: if you think that giving them any sort of ultimatum might mean they hold your debit card hostage, you may want to get that first before you talk about anything else. Do you have documents like your social security card, passport, birth certificate, etc at your parents' house? If there's a way you can get them that may be another thing to take care of when you can so that they aren't holding that over your head to get you to visit in the future.
It might be a good idea to update your address with your bank, too; one thing I've learned from friends in similar situations is that renting a PO box can be a huge relief when you have a shifting address related to school but need to be receiving important mail NOT at family members' houses.

[Redskies]

edit: same thought as Mo!

Heading to bed rather than busy

Oh, and per the debit card issue:

Right, so you need a way of getting your card. You could:
-ask your dad (sounds the better choice of parent?) to mail it to you
- ask your dad to give it to someone else to pass to you; maybe there's someone in common or who'd be in your area, or a friend could go meet him somewhere for it?
- ask your dad to meet you for coffee in a coffee place somewhere and bring it for you
- contact your bank and explain you do not currently have access to mail sent to that address, see if they will do something like cancel that card and send you one to a different address or have it delivered to your bank branch where you could collect it with appropriate ID

- in the meantime, draw out enough cash to keep you going in case it takes time to sort out the card issue. I know having too much cash around isn't ideal, but you can limit the risks by not telling anyone you have it and by putting it in several different (as safe as possible) places, where it's unlikely to get lost or randomly discovered by anyone else. Just remember where!

Depending on how important it is for you to get that debit card, it may be a better move per self-preservation to get the card and then send any email or other communication about your relationship with them that you want to send. Some people do not co-operate after getting something like that, or make your life a lot harder. Get the debit card first.

If you decide to ask for your dad's assistance, you might reply to his text with something like "I appreciate you asking. I'm concerned about my debit card which arrived at your place, and my old one expires soon. Would you [thing]?" That handily ties his enquiry about your wellbeing to a thing you actually need. He might choose not to follow the lead you put down with it, but there's little you can do about that anyway. Of course, you might also feel it's best to stay away from them as much as possible at the moment, in which case, do that.

And yes, they probably are trying to restore usual order after you disrupted things (you know what I mean with that from above). If you don't want to go along with it, if it doesn't feel right to you, you don't have to. It is still absolutely okay to feel all the things you feel about their poor behaviour to you, no matter if they've just been nice. It doesn't cancel out their poor behaviour, and it doesn't make up for it. You don't have to be the daughter they expect just because they're being nice Right Now and they expect it.

[MusicNerd]

hey Mo! yeah, that's a good idea actually, since i'm kinda afraid they will. I'll get that first before I tell them anything else (it's gonna be so rough though, since they'll want a hug from me and the idea of showing them affection makes me so nauseous right now).

and i don't know where in their apartment my birth certificate is (i have my passport but lost my social security card so i need to get another one).

yeah, i'm probably gonna have to rent a PO box. also, i'm gonna have to call my bank to see how i can separate our accounts (as in, can i do it myself or do they need my father to do it since he created it, for instance?)

Hey Redskies! yeah, I was thinking about withdrawing cash and asking my dad, but i'm afraid he'll ask for an ultimatum from me (he kinda did yesterday which i didn't agree to) like asking me to call more since i never call.... and i feel like i'd have to lie in order to get my card.

also, yeah, i was definitely thinking about meeting him in a coffee shop to give it me.

[Mo]

If you can't separate your accounts you may be able to close yours, or at least withdraw all the money from it, and set one up yourself, either at the same bank or another. I am pretty sure my original bank account was attached to my parents in some way and I know I was able to close that on my own when I changed banks, but it was long enough ago that I don't know the details. And as far as birth certificates go you can get official copies sent to you from many (if not all) states so that's not the end of the world either. It's really too bad that the burden to sort all this out falls on YOU when you're already having to deal with your parents' behavior.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this family stress, but I hope you can get to a point soon where you've set boundaries you feel comfortable with and can feel a bit of that weight off of you. I am definitely glad, at least, that you were able to find plans for the winter break that didn't involve staying with them. That sounds like it'll be a big relief.

[MusicNerd]

hey! thanks for your replies, Mo, and all that info, too.

I just texted my dad back asking for my debit card, and he's read it, but he hasn't replied after I asked what time he's free. and I replied to my mom letting her know that I'd let her know if I needed a ride and "thanks".

I think my parents know something is up hence why my dad didn't send a second reply to me after asking when my card expires.

[MusicNerd]

BIG UPDATE: good news-- I got the extension! bad news-- I don't know if I'm gonna keep my sanity.

I just agreed to have dinner with my parents at their place on Christmas... it caught me off guard because my dad wanted to talk to me on the phone instead of texting. apparently my dad is working during the day but gonna be at home for dinner. oh god it's gonna be awful, I'm tempted to just bring them a letter and hand it to them instead of staying for dinner. I'm tempted to just back out of it after I get the card tomorrow but then I'd feel absolutely awful. I feel like this is never going to end, I feel like I've gone crazy.

I only agreed to go because my dad agreed to bring me my debit card tomorrow even while he and mom are running errands and I felt bad if I said "no" to seeing them for dinner. I even asked if it was an ultimatum and he said "no, I'm gonna bring you the card tomorrow". I don't know why, but I have a feeling my mom was listening to the call which makes me worried.

oh god I feel awful, I really don't wanna see them... and public transportation might not be running as frequently on Christmas so I don't wanna be stuck there. I might just have to grin and bear it and stay for a couple hours. my mom is gonna be pissed. oh god, I don't know why I agreed to see them for dinner I feel so stupid. they might give me presents and I'll feel so guilty. god I feel so horrible I'm so sorry that I'm rambling, I just don't know what to do anymore. what if I'm never free of them?

[Mo]

I'm just on my way out but wanted to say that you're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to say "I know I said I'd be there but I just can't this year." It's fine to prioritize your own well-being here. I know that doesn't make saying no to them any easier! But I wanted to say it anyway.
I'm glad you got the extension though! I hope that goes well.

[MusicNerd]

okay, thanks for responding even though you had to leave, Mo! I'll just keep writing for anyone who sees this tomorrow or whenever (brace yourselves for a million questions and thoughts).

maybe I'll wait til the 24th to tell them. I don't wanna tell them *right* after I get the card back...

I feel like I'm gonna break their hearts. neither of their physical healths are that great, so this probably won't be good for them. what if this is how they remember every year-- how their daughter ditched them on Christmas? that'd be so awful of me. and my mom would definitely trash-talk me to all of my extended family about how heartless I was in not being there for Christmas. I just wish my parents and the rest of my family understood why I didn't wanna be there.

they might come searching for me after I tell them, and then when they find out I'm not at my off-campus place they might call the police to try and find me, and I really don't wanna deal with that.

I feel like I'll never be able to get away from them. I feel like they're in the way of things I want to do and connections I wanna make in life, even though I know it's not them stopping me it's me stopping myself. but I feel like they'll always have a hold on me in some way, especially in the ways I relate to other people, and that terrifies me. what if I'm not strong enough to ever be free of them?

what if I start being emotionally closed off to other people after this? I felt like I was making such good progress in being vulnerable with people I wanna be close to and I don't want that to change now. there's just so much happening right now and I really wish there wasn't.

[MusicNerd]

just remembered another thing to add onto the post above: if i piss my parents off enough, they might stop paying for my schooling. that would really mess with my financial aid-- even if it meant receiving more money from them, that would take time and then the money i would use for rent and food from them would be delayed way too far past when i needed it (they're very bureaucratic and take forever). and since i'm still looking for a job, i would need that money as soon as classes start.

oh, and i'm currently trying to find an air mattress because my friend's doesn't work, and the hardwood floor unsurprisingly wasn't that comfy to sleep on.

i know other people definitely have it way worse than me in these kinds of situations, and i'm very grateful (like, VERY grateful) for the help and generosity my friends have shown me especially lately (seriously, they're amazing, i can't even begin to thank them enough), but honestly: this is all just a stressful situation to be in right now, and it feels like a never-ending game i'm playing to keep moving on to the next thing (ex. i have to sort out banking stuff, get a PO box, finish my assignments, etc. etc.).

[Redskies]

Other people have it worse AND this is supremely crappy for you. Both those things can be true at the same time, and it's okay to feel how you feel about your situation. Other people's bad situations don't make yours magically better.

Figuring out logistics is hard. Some of the personal and emotional parts of the situation with your parents will continue to be things that exist and that you're figuring out how to manage, but a lot of the logistics are one-shot things. While you're actually doing it, yes, it's slow and complex and there's just so Much and it's like a mountain, but in the end you will have worked through it all and it will be done. In the meantime, one step at a time. And with the personal/emotional things, this is very likely to be the absolute hardest time for you. It won't be like this for ever, it will settle down, it will get better. A lot has changed for you very recently, and you're still reeling from it and trying to catch up. With time, you'll get a clearer picture of how you see things, and will know more about what will and won't work for you with your parents, where your best-for-you boundaries are, and how best to hold them: all those things will result in a much more stable and secure setting for you, and you will be able to feel safe and want to open up again with other people, even if that gets shaken in the short-term.

I'm glad you got the extension. With your assignments: are you able to block off pieces of time where you absolutely set aside the upside-down world around you and just think about and do your assignments? I know that seems like a big ask, but it can be possible, and one way of keeping together something that's really important to you. For example, you decide that This Block of one or two hours you're spending on working on solving one of the practical problems, and you do that; That Block of one or two hours is where you say, wow things are complicated and scary right now and I'm not sure what next week is going to look like, but to hell with it, nothing is literally falling on my head this moment, now in these few hours I'm working on my assignment and everything else can wait til afterwards. Because it can wait. I get how important some of the practical things are - I So do - and even then, there are few things where it will make any difference at all waiting a few hours while you work on an assignment.

I think whether or not you go for dinner is about what seems best to you, given all the circumstances. Obviously we don't want you to be somewhere where you may or will be emotionally abused; we also understand that losing college finance at short notice is a big deal. If you go, we'd still strongly suggest leaving if you become unsafe, so it's important to have an exit strategy. If public transport isn't good, is there anyone who you could call to pick you up if you needed to? Is there somewhere you could walk to and be picked up from, just to be anywhere other than there, if you needed? Put on or have with you suitable footwear and outdoor clothes for the weather.

If going to dinner or having any contact with your parents is the wrong thing to do for you, some colleges/universities do have emergency funds for students who have serious and unexpected difficulties. Perhaps yours does? I wouldn't assume that you would automatically be penniless if your parents withdrew your finance, and nor is them doing that by any means a certainty, so I wouldn't make your decision solely on that basis.

[MusicNerd]

I'm actually blocking off time to do some homework tonight-- at the cafe where my dad is planning on dropping off the card to me. so, that'll be good to just sit there and focus with some coffee in-hand (and i think the internet might be more reliable there than the current cafe i'm in, so that's good).

yeah, i mean... if my school funding were cut, i think that my mom would be the one to want to cut off funding for school, but my dad would stop her and think he could get me to ~open up~ or whatever. even though, a big thing is that: 1. i'm one semester away from graduating from a ~prestigious ivy-league~ (read: pretentious) university, and she loves to brag to folks about the fact that i'm gonna be getting my degree from this place and likes to credit herself for "why i'm so smart" *long sigh* and 2. she was super-strict about my grades all my life until i got to college and she basically was like "yeah, you make yourself neurotic over your grades now, my work here is done." i kid you not, she's said things like that (i'm fairly certain my grades are going down the tubes this semester, so whatever to that at this point). so, maybe because she has such a big stake in me finishing school, she might not cut my funding to school. who knows?

i'll have to sleep on it to see if i still wanna go to the dinner or not, and i think the public transportation might actually be good that day because it's christmas day and not christmas eve (and on their site my city's public transit specifically mentions changes in schedule on the 24th and other dates but not the 25th). but i'll still try and think of an exit strategy if i do decide to go see them.

there's still this overwhelming guilt i feel about if i tell them "no" to seeing them for christmas, but i'd also feel guilty if i went and they gave me their gifts (Some of which would include money) and then i left and sent them that email about breaking contact for a while... it frustrates me that this guilt is there for me considering they sure as hell don't seem to feel guilt over treating me the way they always have and continue to do.

also, just wanted to highlight what you said here:

A lot has changed for you very recently, and you're still reeling from it and trying to catch up. With time, you'll get a clearer picture of how you see things, and will know more about what will and won't work for you with your parents, where your best-for-you boundaries are, and how best to hold them: all those things will result in a much more stable and secure setting for you, and you will be able to feel safe and want to open up again with other people, even if that gets shaken in the short-term.

this is really, really reassuring, so thank you for that, Redskies.

[MusicNerd]

oh boy, a lot happened today since my post above from earlier in the day, and i have to pick up my debit card tomorrow and i couldn't even work on my assignments today because of something that came up.... i can't even go into everything without overloading y'all with even more information, and i don't wanna be that person. basically, everything is continuing to get more complicated and crazy, and at this point i'm too burned out to even cry, but i really appreciate y'all being there for me.

so now, I'm trying to craft an email/letter on how i'm gonna tell my parents i don't wanna come home for christmas (i'll probably tell them on the 24th), and let me tell you-- it's really fucking hard thinking of what to tell them, especially since part of me wants to go due to the fact that i know they'll have some money to give as a gift and money's starting to go pretty quickly for me due to different circumstances that came up and without a job lined up (and trust me, i feel absolutely horrible for having financial reasons be my motivation for potentially going home for christmas). i know that no matter how well-written my letter is, they're gonna make my life absolute. hell. (and i already feel like i'm overloaded with so much practical stuff to do right now, including mentally preparing myself for sleeping on the hard floor again tonight). there's no way they're gonna be chill about this.

do i mention their abuse in my letter? do i make it solely about me and what i need mentally and emotionally and then tell them "it's not you, it's me"? like, i don't even know what to say at this point honestly.... i've also had the biggest headache all-day today and i found out from a nurse today that my blood pressure is abnormally high (usually i have very low blood pressure) so i've realized that none of this is good for me health-wise.

[MusicNerd]

sorry for the triple-post but I timed out for editing my last post: I'm just gonna sleep on the decision to see them or not a bit more and see how it goes from there. I'm still gonna need to think up my letter for whenever I send it though, since it has to be done at some point.

like, before thanksgiving when I only saw them for a couple hours for a visit instead of staying over, it was for a lunch or to visit my grandma. neither of those times were too horrible, maybe because I didn't stay overnight.

so perhaps I'll go and then send them the letter sometime afterwards-- though I realize it's gonna make it that much harder to point out their abusive behavior to them after Christmas (ex. "after all the nice things we've done for you/given you?!"). so idk how I'd be able to rebut that in a way that makes sense to them tbh

I might also want some time to talk over letter ideas with my best friend after she gets back from her vacation next week. again, just another possibility for me to sleep on for now, but a part of me feels like I'm still tied to them and I can't fully break away due to the current circumstances-- especially considering I just realized today I won't be able to separate my joint-account until after I get the rest of my financial aid money back... which is sometime around mid-January or so.

I made a plan for what to do logistics-wise tomorrow (and I think I may have found a place that sells air mattresses for dirt cheap! *fingers crossed*), and then I'll just go from there. I don't know what's going on anymore, all I know is I've gotta keep going even though everything feels hopeless right now.

[Redskies]

I hope you got a mattress! Floors are sure not comfortable.

Maybe don't try to do everything at once? You don't actually have to get everything done and dusted super-soon. This is my opinion and it may or may not be right, but, I think maybe there's no hurry to send your parents any kind of big clarifying communication and it might be better if you waited on that. For a few reasons.

One, you sound at about your coping limit. That is understandable, and I've been there. No need to do what doesn't have to be done, and you have school stuff that's really important to you and wouldn't just as well wait a few months.

One b, I think it's pretty likely that there'd be fallout after a letter like that, and it sounds like now might just be too much.

Two, I think you'd benefit a lot from some time and space to let the whirlwind settle down and Then assess what you even want in any/no communication with them and whether that's actually possible and realistic, and

Three time to figure out how best to achieve what you want which is realistic, and how to communicate it, and

Four time to prepare for possible reactions from them. This just seems a little fast for you if it doesn't have to be this way, and I think it might feel like you're in the middle of a long tornado. Maybe that might be alright for people who prefer everything to happen all at once like a tornado, but I think overall I'd suggest it's not good for most people.

Five, time to do the logistical things you need to first without losing your mind about pressure, time, the other important things you need to be doing, and managing the emotional stuff that you've got going on anyway.

Maybe just for now, focus on managing the here and now. Make it through the hard feelings and challenges in whichever route you take through the holiday issue, do your best to take a lot of care of yourself, and do your best to apply yourself to assignments. Fudge whatever excuses will work best for your parents: you could say you are very stressed at the moment and need some space and a lot of time to do your schoolwork (this is true!) and that you don't want to talk about it if/when asked further. You don't have to pick up the phone when they call, or you can decline to continue a conversation by saying you have to go to class or keep working on an assignment in order to meet a deadline. If you need to, you can send an occasional text which says you are snowed under with schoolwork. It's not totally unknown, by any means, for people in their final year to become somewhat recluse-like as they work through mounds of work. Your parents might not like some of this, but you don't actually have to justify it to them or make them feel better or reassure them. You are stressed and have mounds of work and just have to keep working on your assignments; be a stuck record on that point if you need to.

I am not usually someone who prefers steering clear of the heart of the matter, let alone suggesting it to someone else, but this is really striking me as a need for self-preservation here.

I have a few links to put your way - if you don't already know them, that is - which at the very least might help you feel a bit less alone and might shine a light on a few things, and might help you identify which pieces of wisdom are right for you. I especially recommend reading the comments, so these get long; don't get lost in them instead of doing assignments, okay?
http://captainawkward.com/2015/11/02/78 ... this-year/
http://captainawkward.com/2013/03/22/lo ... ve-family/
http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/24 ... lt-people/

[MusicNerd]

Hey Redskies! Thanks for getting back to me and sending all those helpful links.

1. I finally got an air mattress for dirt cheap! yay!! it really made me so happy today

2. I agree with you in that I'm basically at my coping limit and currently trying to do things for self-preservation at this point. Luckily, I was able to fudge an excuse about spending most of Christmas with my "friend" near campus, so I'd only have to go to dinner with them for a couple of hours instead of staying overnight.
-- 2b. If I weren't in such an unstable financial spot, I would get down to the heart of the matter and would've cut off communication a while ago. So, I'm gonna wait for the rest of my financial aid refund to kick in (which at the latest should be mid-january-- i'm gonna keep hounding my student financial services office until i figure it out) before I give a letter to them about wanting to break communication for a while. That way, once I sort out with financial aid tomorrow whether or not they can put the funds into my new account fairly quickly after they process it, I can immediately start a new account tomorrow without any worries about the aid being delayed and without fear of my parents tampering with my money. They're already gonna be kinda irked about me starting a new account, but since I'm planning on doing that early tomorrow morning (if financial aid promises to be fairly quick) it'll already be done and whatnot and would be a much smaller step than my letter.
-- 2c. I'm still applying for jobs, so I'd also feel more comfortable once I get a steady source of income (though if the financial aid comes in before a job offer, I'll just do the letter-thing then-- it's whichever comes first at this point).
-- 2d. Still feel guilty about accepting their gift money, but they never let me refuse their gifts, even if it's in like a "oh, i'm good for now, but I'll let you know if i need anything, thanks!" or even if it's "but you have bills to pay and a bunch of other financial things like that to worry about. i'm fine for now, thanks!" and yeah, definitely some fucked-up ideas about saying "no" i used to have, but now i'm much better at saying "no" when i need to (though that may be hard to believe considering my christmas-decision, but i swear in other situations i'm better at it)
-- 2e. One of my close friends who read over my draft gave me a suggestion to add in my letter that I felt pressure to wait so long due to financial pressures/fear, which I thought was a pretty good idea in case they ask why I waited so long.

3. I'm trying not to totally lose my mind, since they're already disregarding what I want in other ways (like they wanna pick me up to see them, even though I've told them more than once that I wanna take public transportation to see them), so I'm gonna need to do a LOT of self-care.

4. I'm scared that if I keep this charade up of pretending everything's fine for the sake of self-preservation until mid-january that my mental health might go even more to shit, but I feel like I need to at least be in a good financial place/make sure they can't mess with my financial aid refund in any way before breaking things off with them entirely. I'm also more adamantly looking for a compatible counselor over break, so hopefully I can find one soon! *fingers crossed*
-- 4b. I've already tried the limited communication thing with them for basically the entirety of college and that hasn't helped me much, hence why I think it's time for a more extreme break in communication at this point. And I'm gonna have to keep telling myself that it's only less than a month that I have to deal with this anymore.

5. like you said, I need some time to plan their reactions to my letter/plan to break off communication for some time, and right now feels too fast for me and like a tornado (which is perfect the way you put it, honestly).

6. I need to focus on getting these difficult assignments done, since I'm super behind, and that's taking up a lot of energy and I need to put my focus there for the more immediate future (which is also yet another reason for me to put off sending this major-letter).