Not sure

[Heather]

It might help to practice a few times by yourself in the mirror. Like, go ahead and go over the top and try and be earnestly scary. That's obviously not how you'll pay it with him, because you need to toe the line with this being about work, but if you can get confident on your own being MORE scary than you'll be with him, striking the right balance with him should be easier.

I assume "it" is spotting? If so, having someone put anything inside the vagina can cause spotting, especially if they do so when it's unwanted, without lubricant, without being gradual, the works. Too, when we have alcohol in our system, we tend to bleed more readily from any kind of injury or abrasion (which is why tattoo artists tell people not to drink first before getting a tat).

Btw, you don't have to make any kind of sense here, and there's no need to try too hard: you're upset and you're traumatized. Of course your brain is going to feel and be fuzzy. Mind, I think you're making sense here, but I say that just to take any pressure off. I want to support you: I don't need you to make sense to do that. Keep your focus just on what you need to take care of yourself, okay? If you're unclear, I or anyone else can always ask for clarity.

[Tigger1]

Thanks Heather,
I'm crying as well at the moment so all the letters on my phone are getting a bit fuzzy!

When I say 'it' I refer to the evening; one of the reasons I don't feel that he stopped at just at fingering me, is because I have some bruising towards the top of my thigh, i know full well it was not there the morning before our meeting because I had a bath (had to shave my legs as planned wearing a short summer dress! but it ended up raining so I decided on trousers) I'm also not aware of anything that came into contact with my body throughout the day that looks like finger marks. Might be reading to much into this and sorry if I'm being blunt but tears have now turned to anger. As I said before my body let me down and I did feel myself getting wetter down below whilst he was fingering me, yet I don't remember any pressure being applied by his hands to the tops of my thighs not sure why he would need to as I was making out with him whilst we were laying on the bed. Hence part of the reason I think I let myself down and led him on.
I just don't remember much of anything that happened after the stuff I remember, I'd been drinking and like I say the next thing I actually remember is waking up the next day without him there and having to find my trousers at my feet.

[Tigger1]

And obviously the spotting, which is unusual for me.

[Heather]

I know it's hard, but I really think straining to try and remember things you just don't isn't likely to help you. In part because, again, if you don't now, you probably will not by trying. The way memory works is that even when something happens, our brain doesn't basically write it all down in our heads for us to access. And with trauma, it's been studied and found that the brain even often keeps us from creating memories in some ways, likely as an emotional protective device, so we don't have to try and process more than we can handle.

I think that for now, the very best thing you can do for yourself is just find some ways to give yourself care. That certainly sounds like sleep needs to be part of that process, and soon, and also just like letting yourself feel what you do.

Now: you certainly do have the option of going to a hospital to have an exam. They could check for injuries, check to be sure your drink wasn't spiked with anything else, and give you medications to prevent pregnancy or HIV if you don't feel very sure that the only sexual thing that happened was kissing and him using his hands. They also could refer you to rape crisis care and support so you can get some extra emotional care it sounds like you may benefit from. (Too, if you want to talk about your option in filing a police report about any of this, they can tell you about those options, as well.) By all means, the bruising could be due to his hands in some way: bruising from hands doesn't always look like finger marks. And like I said, I'm not surprised about the spotting, as that's to be expected with any kind of forced vaginal entry, fingers or otherwise. But if you want to cover your bases, or even just feel like you'd feel better from getting some medical attention, I think this is a good option for you to consider.

(Just FYI, I have to be offline for a couple of hours, so silence isn't going to be me blowing you off, but simply doing other things that can't wait. I will check in again after, though, in the event you haven't fallen asleep. But if you want to stay talking to someone else who can give you this kind of support -- and just so you have it as a resource should you ever want to -- you might consider calling Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999)

Please remember: none of this is about letting yourself down, your body betraying you or leading anyone on. What you have described here sounds, at best, like sexual coercion, which is an abuse someone did TO you, not that you did (and someone getting sexually turned on doesn't incite them to do sexual things to someone else without their permission) and like possible (I'd say likely, listening to all you have said and how you are feeling) sexual assault. Just like it wouldn't be your fault if you got mugged because you had a purse and left the house where someone could see it, the same holds true here. The ONLY person responsible for any kind of sexual abuse is the person doing the abusing.

[Tigger1]

Thanks Heather,
I really mean it. Your support and kindness is keeping me from falling apart at the moment!
I'm going to try and get some sleep now as I have a 6hr drive home tomorrow and should probably try and keep my eyes open on the road!
I have been to the chemist and purchased a morning after pill (just in case) In all honesty the thought of going to any hospital or whatever makes me feel to vulnerable right now. I know I probably should but the thought of someone else touching me right now is so not what I want and I've found it difficult enough talking to you guys about all this and I can't see your faces/body language etc.
Thank you for taking the time out to support me with all this.

[Heather]

There's no should here, there's just what feels right for you. If going to a hospital doesn't feel like YOUR right choice, or something you feel able to deal with, then choosing not to do that is your right choice.

I hope you can get some rest, physically and emotionally. Hang in there, Tigger. You know where to find us if and when you want to talk any more about this, or need anything else we can help you with.

[Tigger1]

Morning Heather,

This morning;

for this I'm gonna refer to the guy in above posts as guy 1 and the other guy I work with(I'm friendly with, he's like a big brother to me) as guy 2.

So, I'm standing outside my room this morning, waiting for the others, (we all stayed in rooms next to each other last night)
Guy 1 comes out of his room and says 'morning sweetheart' I basically just grunted at him, then I started to walk down the hall. Thought I'd wait for them all downstairs outside the hotel. As I went to walk away, guy 1 caught hold of my wrist and said 'listen you have been really off with me since the other night, is it because we slept together, that was enevitable really wasn't it'
I froze. I don't know whether knowing or not knowing is better or worse, I just feel numb.
At this point guy 2 came out of his room and said his usual hello's and morning's. He went to hug me (this is nothing unusual to be honest, it's something we have done since we started working together when I was 17) but I couldn't let him, I moved as quickly as possible out the way. Saying 'right better get going, we all have a long way to go and I'm starving( far from true!) guy 1 walked down the hall in front of us and guy 2 said 'everything alright Hun?' I nodded and said I was gonna Head back home via my dad's grave so would he mind dropping guy 1 home on his way and he said 'yer sure' I can not be in a car home with him alone for 6hrs today, I just can't.
I managed to get a few hours sleep last night which helped but still not sure if going home is where I wanna be right now, to be honest with mum being so protective, I just want to climb into bed somewhere and cry!

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

Hope you don't mind me chiming back in (Heather won't be in until later). I'm glad you were able to get at least a little sleep last night. With going home, is there somewhere else you'd feel more comfortable going to than your house? Maybe a friend or another family member who you trust and feel safe with who you could stop off and see (if you do decide to go to the hospital, this could also be a person that you bring along for support if you felt comfortable having them there)? It sounds like what you're looking for right now is a place where you can feel safe and have the space to process all the emotions that are coming up in the wake of what happened. Sometimes home is the best place for that, and other times there somewhere else you feel safer.

I want to give you kudos for asking guy 2 to be the one to drive guy 1 home. It can be so hard to assert a boundary like that, especially when there's any kind of pressure to pretend like everything is okay. It also sounds like you've gotten a glimpse into the story guy 1 is telling himself about what happened. The whole "it was inevitable" thing totally ignores the fact that you explicitly told him sex was not on the table, which is incredibly icky. It also seems like he's continuing to make assumptions about what you're thinking/feeling, rather than actually asking you if you're okay, which is also rage-making.

[Tigger1]

Hi,
No I have no issues with you assisting me Sam, I only put Hi Heather because we have been talking but I obviously don't expect only Heather to listen to my ramblings, she does seem to get how I'm feeling as I'm sure you do!
To be honest I haven't a clue in relation to not going home. I'm not sure where I want to be right now. Home has never been a good place to be really, although that being said I do at least feel safe there, just not overly comfortable. I have booked a different hotel for the weekend, my 'go to' place whenever things get too much for me in life. So I have that option too.
I have not got any friends. We don't have family friends and I only have mum and sisters as family and I can't talk to them about this.
It's not unusable for me to go to my dad's grave on our way back from work so guy 2 didn't think this was out of the blue which meant I didn't have to explain myself.
I still don't remember sleeping with him. I had up until then trusted him, I trusted him enough to work with him, share things about family and lives outside of work with him. I trusted him enough to tell him I was still a virgin and that I was not ready for sex etc so I have no reason not to believe him when he says we slept together. I'm 1000000% sure I didn't consent to ANY of it other than kissing though.
I don't feel ready to talk to anyone face to face about this yet, I don't want to go to a hospital yet to be honest, as I've said the thought of anyone touching me at the moment makes me feel too vulnerable. I'm just not ready.

[Sam W]

No worries (I just like to check when a user has been talking mostly with one of us if it's okay to add more people to the conversation)! And I understand about not wanting to go to the hospital. It's actually pretty rad that you have such a strong sense of what you are and are not feeling up for.

It's totally okay not be sure what you what you want to do right now. It sounds like you've already taken one step to make sure you've got a comfortable place to go, which is awesome. Let's see if we can brainstorm some other ways you can take care of yourself. What kinds of things have you done in the past when you've been feeling upset or vulnerable, either to soothe yourself or distract yourself?

[Tigger1]

Hi,
No I have no issues with someone else helping me out! As I said I've been talking to Heather and she seems to get it which is nice and I feel comfortable enough opening up to her. Not that I can't open up to you, that's not what I'm saying! Oh I'm digging myself a hole here!!!! Am happy to chat to you as well is basically what I'm saying but if i don't go Into great details or whatever it's because I'm not comfortable! Sorry!!

Usually when I'm upset and need distracting I work, it's just what I do, I bury myself if my job. Obviously that isn't gonna happen right now!!
I also enjoy listening to music, I love finding songs where lyrics mean something to me and have been singing along to my radio as loud as possible today coming home! Which has helped let off some steam.

[Heather]

Tigger: I'm off today and tomorrow (from the site, anyway: will be doing editing and accounting instead, so not really off-off, alas), but I did see your posts here this morning and I wanted to just reach out.

I am so upset on your behalf to hear what has happened, and what it sounds like this person has done to you, I just can't even say. This has been a terrible betrayal of your trust and of your transparency with this person in terms of the vulnerable things you shared about yourself with them, and I am so sorry you have been harmed in this way, and that the harassment has continued, on top of it. No one should ever treat someone else like this, in all the ways.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you, including over the next couple of days, which could include scheduling time with me in our live chat system, if you like. You're very much in my heart and thoughts.

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,

Thank you as previously stated, your kindness and compassion at this time is the only thing holding me together at the moment, I haven't got anywhere else to turn with all of this, so it's a heartfelt thank you when I know I can open up to you and the team here without feeling any worse than I already do.
I would appreciate some live chat time with you BUT only if you feel you can fit it in! I do not wish to add any further pressure to you and your schedule.
I do not want to be a burden on your resources.
I'm just not entirely sure how to feel or what to do, or well anything right now. Am struggling to comprehend all of this to be honest.
I also understand there are time differences between us.
Thanks
Tigger

[Heather]

I can do it, and would be happy to do it. I want you to have support and feel supported: you're not a burden, I promise. If you can throw some times at me (just do them in your time zone) you can have and want to talk in chat between today and tomorrow, I'll find something that works for me and let you know here.

(And if now-ish is when that feels best, I can swing that, too.)

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,

Ok I'm about an hour away from my destination right now and am driving(obviously I've just stopped and am not texting whilst driving) which is around 6pm. Then can pretty much do any time today/tonight, tomorrow I'm in a post meeting meeting day between 9am-6pm just got a major new contract and apparently I've got to front line this! then I'm available after 6pm until well whenever I feel like going to sleep so.............
Thanks again......
Tigger

[Heather]

Let me make this easy, then: I'll email you my email in a second, and you can just drop me a line when you are able (and want to) talk tonight. I check my email often.

[Tigger1]

Thank you

[Heather]

Of course.

[Tigger1]

Update;

Hey,
Sorry haven't been about on boards but wanted to give you all an update;

So went to my 'go to' hotel at the weekend, didn't feel comfortable staying at home. It did me some good, I slept for 12 straight hours and managed to eat something small for the first time in days. Felt Somewhat more human after doing this.

I made the decision to attend the hospital clinic today to get tested for STI's etc and after this I feel like I need to say this;

This is only MY experience of ONE clinic!

For all of you who are in my situation or feel you need to attend for your own peace of mind; it might seem like the most scary thing you will ever do, even the most embarrassing. I had lots of very intense mixed feelings about attending a clinic. But it is really really really not as bad as expected! I didn't feel like I was being frowned upon, I felt no need to feel anxious or embarrassed about being there.
The nurse asked only a few questions from me and I was told I didn't have to answer them if I didn't want to; when was the unprotected intercourse, was this my only current sexual partner, was I my current partners only sexual partner and a couple more.
The tests were quick and painless. Just a couple of swabs and a urine test. I was told I could do the swabs myself behind a curtain if that was more comfortable for me but I decided I was ok with the female nurse doing it for me, it's her job and she sees these things day in and day out so why was I any different!
The results usually take 7-10 days to come back but I opted to fast track them (I paid for this service) then after she had completed all of her paperwork she gave me some leaflets about what happens next in relation to waiting for results, how to combat anxiety during this time. Really helpful stuff if you have to wait 7-10 days I'd imagine! Basically what I'm trying to say is I felt like I wanted to put it off because I didn't want to have to explain details about what happened to me and I didn't have to, the ball is almost totally in your court and you decide what to tell them. You don't have to use your own name and you can go to this type of clinic at any age. I'm glad I attended the clinic today, it's put my mind at rest on at least a few things!

That said I also opted for a date rape drugs blood test and tested positive.

I'm just gonna take some time to process things a little further and take care of myself whilst this process happens.

Just thought I'd give you an update is all!

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

Thank you for the update! I'm glad that going to your hotel helped get some rest and feel comfortable. And it sounds like you had a positive experience with the hospital, which is awesome. Having those answers (even if they're not "good", like finding out about the presence of a date rape drug) or knowing they're on their way can be really helpful in processing what happened. I hope taking some time to process and care for yourself goes well, and if you need to talk with us more, you know where to find us

[Tigger1]

Thanks Sam

[Tigger1]

Hi Guys,

Just thought I'd update you on my situation;

I am currently serving a suspension from work following an official complaint made by HIM against me in relation to bullying and harassment and my company take this very seriously as most do!

Last night I made the decision to meet up with and to tell guy 2, the situation. The whole situation. It was a very difficult and emotional conversation but one I am overall glad I had. It's the first face to face conversation I had had in FULL with anyone.

Following this I contacted my boss, I arranged a meeting with him this morning with guy 2 (as my support) my boss and a note taker. During this meeting I outlined the situation with HIM and what had happened. I was told I could return to work as soon as next week following this however I have decided to wait out my suspension, in order to self care. I am assured that HE will be having a meeting tomorrow and will be let go from the company. No investigation needed and that the complaint against me will be taken off of my record.

I just wish I could be a fly on the wall in his meeting tomorrow! I'd love to see his face

Overall I have crammed a lot into just a short amount of time and am feeling very tearful and drained.

Just thought I'd keep you all in the know.

Thanks
Tigger

[Tigger1]

Hi guys,
I Have been trying to find some songs to relate to, I relate to lyrics of songs, Find it an easy way to express myself, have found a few; Do any of you guys know any songs that might be helpful?!

Currently listening to; beauty from pain -super chicks.

[Mo]

Hi Tigger,

Thanks for the update - I'm sorry this guy managed to get you suspended on top of everything else but it sounds like your boss is supportive of you and understands the actual situation. It's totally understandable for you to feel drained or overwhelmed right now! I really hope things can calm down a bit soon, and you can at least get some distance from him.

Something I find to be really helpful, music-wise, is to find an album I really love to sing along to and put it on somewhere with total privacy where I can sing along as loudly as I want. I find that the physical process of singing is the most important part, regardless of the lyrical content - just finding and amplifying my voice can make me feel stronger and more powerful.

[Tigger1]

Thanks Mo,
I'll try it