Scarleteen

You are saying that when either of you goes to do something sexual to or with the other, neither of you is asking first, you're just doing it, and only saying something if someone doesn't want it or like it. Do I have that right?

Perhaps a little more communication would be good then you think?

Yes, more communication would definitely be a good idea: it's the basis for every healthy relationship and a critical part of doing consent. I wouldn't be surprised if some of your anxiety stems from you not feeling like sex - of any kind - is something you really have control over and a choice in; it can be tough to feel good about something that feels more like it's happening to us than something we really want and fully choose to take part in.

If you haven't seen this piece yet, I'd suggest you have a read through it, and perhaps ask your boyfriend to look at it as well (or read it together!): Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

You might also want to sit down and have a chat with him - when you're not having sex or about to - about what your boundaries and limits are and what you feel comfortable with, and brainstorm ways together that you can help each other stick to those limits. Talking about sex can be awkward, especially if you've never really had that kind of conversation before, but again, communication (in and out of the bedroom) is a key part of healthy sexual relationships. If you need some help figuring out how to initiate that conversation, this piece has some good tips: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner