Guilt, fear & shame

[Hollytiger]

Again the guilt comes up and colors my perception of...well, everything. Even though it's been exactly 2 months since I decided to do that. I was trying to enjoy being with my family yesterday, and all I could think about was, "if only they knew what I did". I feel disgusting.

I'm so scared. Truly this feels irrevocable. It hits me as soon as I wake up and follows me everywhere.

[Heather]

Sounds like your family is something that cues up these feelings.

I think you'd said that your family didn't have/give healthy messages about sex and sexuality. If I have that right, want to try saying a little more about that? Sometimes just giving this stuff some real daylight can go a long way.

[Hollytiger]

I'd say you're right; I did not think of that.

Sexuality, I feel, was always silently condemned in my family. That silence was searing and sent a very strong message, especially to someone like me who seems to internalize everything. I feel like, if I can be seen as "innocent" in the eyes of my parents, then I'm a good person and everything is ok. Following that, I honestly erased that part of of me completely up until the past couple of months. It's why I'm struggling so much with this. It was the simple idea that "sex = bad, me not doing it = good".

When I was about 11 or 12, my friend came over the house. We were messing around on the computer and somehow, for some reason, we found a porn site. I had never really seen things like that prior, and I immediately felt guilty (but, being a kid, curious of course).

That was that, until my mom got a phone call one day from my friend's concerned mother. She said she caught my friend and her brothers printing out images from the site. And told her mom we looked at those at my house. Well, that was a huge ordeal. A lot of yelling; I honestly felt like it was the worst thing I could've ever done. My mom even brought me to confession (grew up Catholic) and I felt so deeply ashamed. My siblings came with us because we were all still kids at the time. I felt so different and wrong and exposed for having to "confess"; so ashamed that my family knew I did something so "dirty".

I don't know. Looking back, I know that event was what really set a lot of my attitude toward my own sexual experience. I just feel terrible. I also think my crushing, all-encompassing fear/dread of pregnancy is because if that ever happened, everyone would inevitably know I had sex. Not just the fact that I'm nowhere near ready or able to care for a child (nor do I want to), but the evidence that I engaged in sex would be there for all to see. For the record, I've had periods and I even took two pregnancy tests (negative), and I still can't get it into my head that I'm not at risk for that right now.

I think crazy things like, well what if they weren't periods and just extra bleeding from Plan B, what if what if what if. What if I didn't do the test right or at the right time when the hormone levels are correct. That's all it is. I'm miserable.

[Sam W]

That kind of negative experience and environment can certainly color how you relate to sex, even if you don't really want it to. And I'm sorry that being near your family is kicking up all that guilt for you (it's unfortunately common that being around our family tends to revert us back to feelings we had when we were living with them).

Would it be helpful to you to talk about ways you could address these feelings both in the long term (which is something that's come up before in this thread) as well as in the short term when dealing with your family? Or, at the very least, figure out some ways to keep those guilty feelings from overwhelming you when you're trying to have a pleasant (or even an okay) time?

[Hollytiger]

I'm not sure what to do about the long-term besides maybe going to therapy again. These thoughts seem very stuck and I just can't seem to "unstick" them myself. In the short-term, I really try to relax or distract myself. Or take some time away from family because unfortunately being close to them does trigger a lot of anxiety related to this.

But it's really so stuck in my mind. It's like there's just constantly someone yelling "You're not the same anymore because you had sex. You did something bad. You did something you can never take back. Nothing will be the same anymore. You are tainted".

I think all of this has really reached the level of a truly obsessive intrusive thought. I can be doing anything throughout the day and it's still there, always. The mental stress this creates is really turning into a lot of physical stress as well. It's not a fun time, that's for sure. I'm glad I can write here though. I really am.

Edit - As I am sure is already understood, I don't want to be this way. I'm so stuck. How do I start breaking this whole "Sex is the worst thing you could personally ever do, and you did it, so you are terrible, wrong, flawed, and not allowed to enjoy anything you used to" weird mindset I have? I suppose I did start challenging it already but it's so easy to be overwhelmed by fear and shame.

[Mo]

If you are able to access therapy, I think that could be a really helpful option! Things like intrusive thoughts and obsessive thought patterns can be so stressful and hard to deal with, and that's something that a lot of therapists specialize in.

In terms of things you can do yourself...how do you feel when you think about other people being sexually active? Do you find that you judge them the same way you're judging yourself here? If you find yourself being kinder to other people, I wonder if looking for stories or experiences of people's relationships with their own sexuality might be a way to soak in some more positive messages about being a sexual person. Also, if you have any friends who are sexually active, would you feel comfortable talking to any of them about this? Not necessarily for specific sexual details, but their own feelings about being sexual in general?