how to ask someone out

[Siân]

Okay, great. Whilst it's never okay to mistreat people, you can't go back and change the past. Right now the best thing you can do is learn what healthy relationships do look like, so that next time round you don't repeat the same mistakes - which it sound like you are doing! I get that it feels like you can't put the things you're learning into practice if you're single, but some of the basic principles apply to all our relationships, friendships included.

It sounds like the stress and anxiety you're having right now is impacting your life in a big way, so I'm glad you've got the support of a therapist and are finding it helpful - are you learning techniques that help you?

[DArwin]

Kinda they don't work too well. In a realtionship is it the other persons responsible to tell you if you do something to hurt them?

[Heather]

Well, we can usually only know that we have hurt someone when they told us.

[Heather]

Hey Darwin, I'm just wanting a better sense of things for you, if you don't mind my asking a couple personal questions.

I don't have a good sense of who other supportive people are in your life, particularly people who can help you with some of the things we've been helping you with. Do you live with one or both of your parents or with guardians? If so, do you get -- have you felt like you've gotten, growing up -- help from them when it comes to some of this?

What about friends: do your friends feel supportive in this area, and like people you can talk to?

[DArwin]

I don't mind the question, I live with both my mother and stepfather, I'm not really close to them and don't feel comfortable talking to them about this type of stuff, I feel like they haven't really told me much about relationships because I really don't like talking to them about my relationships. I also just don't feel very comfortable around them in general., she is kinda of racist and has asked my friends to convert me. I have my best friend which I can see in person often and talk to him about this type of stuff, he has a lot of sexual experience but not a lot of experience with long term romantic relationships. He hated my last girlfriend and said I did nothing wrong which I know is false. I have another friend I don't see in person that much but text frequently and she is very supportive but I haven't brought this ups with her yet, I might though. I have one more friend in college I text every so often and talk to her about this type of stuff. I also talk to my therapist about all of this, but I mostly talk about my anxiety know because I think I won't be a horrible boyfriend again to someone else. and the anxiety is having really bad effects on me

[Sam W]

Hi DArwin,

That's all really helpful, thank you! Heather may have more thoughts to add, but I wanted to chime in with a few.

With your mother and stepfather, that sounds like a really stressful living situation for you. Given how you're describing them, would it be accurate to say that you haven't felt comfortable talking to them about how to have relationships in general (and not just the details of your own)? And with your therapist, what advice have they given you so far about your anxiety around this?

I'm glad to hear you do have some friends who you can talk to about these issues and who will listen and be supportive of you. With the one friend you talk to via text, it sounds like it may actually be helpful to you to tell her about all this. Just having another person in your life who'll listen to you concerns (and who you trust to give you honest feedback) can be really helpful when dealing with these kinds of worries. Too, with your friends, do you find yourself having the same worries about not being able to know when they're hurt by something you did, or not being able to do relationships with them "right?"

[DArwin]

I wouldn't say my living situation is stressful because of that. Yes, I am not comfortable talking to them about this. I will try to talk to her about this( the college one or the other one?). I don't have any worries that I do anything that hurts my friends and makes them uncomfortable, I trust them to tell me. My therapist told me for the relationship problems I had I had to trust her by remembering that she loved me and wouldn't do anything behind my back and that being jealousy would only push her away and in the end.. it did. I mostly talk about general anxiety now with my therapist thats being caused by school things and not like asking people out because that causes a lot more stress.

[DArwin]

Well, now I feel really bad and anxious about some of my friendships. I ask my friend to hug me over text alot when I feel sad because it makes me feel bad and I feel guilty about that and just that I talk to her specifically too much. I guess I also feel quality about being sexually attracted to her and enjoying hugging her in person

[Sam W]

Hi DArwin,

Glad to hear home isn't as stressful as it initially sounded. Do you have any adults in your life who you've been able to talk to about relationships in general? With your friends, I meant the non-college friend, although really talking to either or both of them about these worries and what happened with your ex might be helpful.

Part of why I wondered if you'd talked about these dating-related fears with your therapist is that it sounds like they're something your anxiety is fixating on. When you have anxiety, one of the things that can happen is that it will latch on to a certain section of your life and make you worry about it to the point that it's causing you distress. That kind of seems like what's happening with the worries you're expressing to us around dating. So, while you should prioritize what you feel is most urgent when talking with your therapist, it may be worth bringing up the fact that you're having anxiety about being a bad partner and asking people out as well.

With the friend you're feeling guilty about texting, has she given you any signs that she's uncomfortable with how often you text her or with you asking for hugs? Or is it more that, while you were thinking about your friendships, that guilt and worry just sort of appeared?

[DArwin]

I don't really feel anxious about asking people out anymore, I was because my ex told me, last Monday, I was making people uncomfortable and to be careful. But talking about exactly what I do and how I say it here made me realize I'm not doing anything wrong. I was also lucky and worked up the courage to ask one of the people I asked out if I did or said anything that made them uncomfortable and they said "no" so I trust her response. I feel like I'm mostly anxious with school and doing well and everything that been going on in my life like stacking up but I talked more with my therapist today ahd he gave me some meds, SSRIs, for the anxiety so I hope that will help. I also reduced the hours I work per week by 6 and drop on of the classes I don't need to take at highschool so that should give me more time to work and it will be nice and make it so I don't have to spend time with my ex as much anymore. I think I know now I can be a really good and loving partner as long as my partner communicates well with me, I don't want to hurt them. My relationship with my friend who doesn't go to college, I don't think I have seen any signs that she think we talk too much, I started talking to her a lot more after me and my ex broke up. I kinda just feel bad for asking for hugs. The only thing that might be a sign that she is uncomfortable is that she really doesn't innate conversations over text with me, but I just think that just because she is busy. She did tell me in August I think or maybe July that she was really happy that I still talk to her and check up on her because we don't really see each other that often, she said most other relationships that she had with people who didn't go to her school faded and was happy we were friends.

[Mo]

If your friend has told you directly that she's happy about how often you talk to her and that she's glad you're friends, I think that's a pretty good sign that you aren't making her uncomfortable! Sometimes when one person initiates conversations more than the other it can indicate that they're slightly less invested in keeping up, but often it means nothing more than the fact that they aren't as good at initiating conversations; some people fall more naturally into the "initiator" role than others.

[DArwin]

ok thank you

[DArwin]

Thank you all very much for all you commit and help I really appreciate it

[Heather]

I was so glad to read your post from yesterday, DArwin. I'm really glad you took the positive risk of asking that person how they felt about you asking them out, and I'm also really glad to hear you feeling more confident in your own assessment of your behavior.