Scarleteen

I had an online friend of mine check this theard and mentioned that thea was a real life friend of mine as to hide the fact it was actually me.

He wanted to help and gave me advice to give to her, and eventually i contemplated telling him the truth and later that night i got into an xbox party with him and showed him my girl account, it was one i made to explore being a girl, and he was very kind and accepting of it, I'm still processing it but I'm glad i finally told someone I've known for awhile.


I'm also contemplating telling my sister who is more open minded than the rest of my family but she's black mailed me with serious stuff when we were kids, threatening to out me as an abdl (that's a different topic for another day.)


So I'm not sure, maybe she'd see how much i want this and maybe she'd let me play with my hair around the house or something, I'm not sure.

I'm so glad your friend was kind and accepting when you showed him that account! Opening up about something so personal can be nerve wracking, so it's great that this time it had a happy outcome for you.

Given how your sister has acted in the past, I would hold off on coming out to her for now. That doesn't mean you couldn't come out to her later on, but right now the stakes of being outed while you're at home are high enough that it's sound to only tell people who you're nearly-certain will have your back.

As you've been looking at potential places to move once you're ready, have you been thinking about what other practical steps you'd need to do to make that move happen? For instance, things like transportation and money are two big hurdles people run into when trying to move.

I plan on getting a job sometime next year, I'm going to save up and maybe buy a car after i get my drivers license, my cousins offered to take me in (unfortunately they aren't accepting) but I've figured that while I'm with them i could save up money for a car, and eventually a place to live, I'm planning on moving around 2022, i should be done with school and have everything sorted by then.

Those all sound like some solid plans, though it sucks that even the extended family that can take you in for a time isn't safe for you to be out to.

In the meantime, what would be the most helpful direction for us to take this thread? That could be talking more about gender stuff or finding accepting communities, the practicalities of getting out of an unsafe space (or maybe how to get out of yours even sooner), and so on.

All of those are helpful, just having people to talk with is nice.

I'm glad to hear that you have a plan for getting out of your family's house and out on your own; with an unsupportive family that's likely to be the best way for you to be able to live more authentically as yourself.
Have you ever looked into whether your area has any sort of support or social groups for trans or questioning youth? I don't know how easy it might be to access a meeting if you don't have a car of your own right now, but it could be doable depending on your public transit situation, if there is something. We'd be happy to help look, if you wanted to investigate that.

Mo wrote:I'm glad to hear that you have a plan for getting out of your family's house and out on your own; with an unsupportive family that's likely to be the best way for you to be able to live more authentically as yourself.
Have you ever looked into whether your area has any sort of support or social groups for trans or questioning youth? I don't know how easy it might be to access a meeting if you don't have a car of your own right now, but it could be doable depending on your public transit situation, if there is something. We'd be happy to help look, if you wanted to investigate that.

There's an lgbt center actually about 10 minutes away from where i live, but the only problem is i stay at home 99% of my week, and i don't have anyone that could take me and i can't drive so that's the only sad part.

As for public transit, i don't feel comfortable trying that for a few reasons.

Do you want to have a discussion about weighing the potential benefits of learning to use transit to get to services you need with what feel like negative risks or challenges? As you likely already know, sometimes we have to push ourselves outside our comfort zones in order to make things better for ourselves.

We can also talk about other options: for instance, depending on the circumstances and resources, some community centers and services can do or arrange pickups and dropoffs.

I'm not sure my local center does that, however what i do know, is my family is very close, if one leaves the house everyone knows and asks questions, i don't have any friends so unfortunately i can't lie about where I'd be going and they wouldn't let me walk even if i tried.

As for public transport, if i really wanted i could try to just walk there, only problem is it's downtown and it's not exactly a good area.

How do you feel about calling your local center, telling them you'd like to go but have transportation issues/concerns, and seeing if you can't brainstorm together to come up with some ideas? For instance, maybe someone there would be willing to take the bus or train with you so you don't have to go on transit alone, or maybe they know someone who goes and lives near you, who also walks and would be happy to walk with you?

I do want to add that I'm feeling concerned about you not being able to ever leave your house without your family. That sounds very controlling to me, and not healthy for you. I don't know if you're open to talking about that as something in general -- and possible strategies for changing that -- but I did just want to voice my concern. No one should ever be isolated to only one place or one relationship, unable to engage with anyone else or to go anywhere else, no matter the place or kind of relationship.

Heather wrote:How do you feel about calling your local center, telling them you'd like to go but have transportation issues/concerns, and seeing if you can't brainstorm together to come up with some ideas? For instance, maybe someone there would be willing to take the bus or train with you so you don't have to go on transit alone, or maybe they know someone who goes and lives near you, who also walks and would be happy to walk with you?

I do want to add that I'm feeling concerned about you not being able to ever leave your house without your family. That sounds very controlling to me, and not healthy for you. I don't know if you're open to talking about that as something in general -- and possible strategies for changing that -- but I did just want to voice my concern. No one should ever be isolated to only one place or one relationship, unable to engage with anyone else or to go anywhere else, no matter the place or kind of relationship.

I'm not sure about calling in because I'm still accepting myself and I'm scared because only one person knows my real name and girl name, and i just don't know what to do there.


And my family has always been that way, three people in one household where 90% of the time we're all here, either in our rooms or otherwise, and my sister is the outgoing one, she comes and goes but we know where she is, as for me, all i do is meetup with my cousins on Sunday and go to youth groups on Saturday that's literally it, we were raised pretty isolated, never had any friends or left the house so yeah..

You don't have to give them either of those names if you don't want to when you call in! Or, you don't have to at first, and then you can decide if you feel safe to do that after talking with them. You also can make up a whole different name if you want. The people who run these centers will usually understand all of this: many of them have been there, you know? <3

I'm really sorry to hear that about your life experience. That's a really tough way to live, especially if and when something major about you is something you have to keep hidden.

I wonder: might you be able to ask your sister for some help when it comes to getting out of the house more? Sounds like she's figured out how to do that in an effective way.

Heather wrote:You don't have to give them either of those names if you don't want to when you call in! Or, you don't have to at first, and then you can decide if you feel safe to do that after talking with them. You also can make up a whole different name if you want. The people who run these centers will usually understand all of this: many of them have been there, you know? <3

I'm really sorry to hear that about your life experience. That's a really tough way to live, especially if and when something major about you is something you have to keep hidden.

I wonder: might you be able to ask your sister for some help when it comes to getting out of the house more? Sounds like she's figured out how to do that in an effective way.

She walks to our birth mothers house every chance she gets, I'm not sure if my birth mom has a car, but yeah.

As for calling in, I'll think on it for a bit, I'm just very nervous about it.


My mom will probably wonder where i am if i start leaving more though so I'm not sure what I'd say about that.

Hey there CaptainWildRose:

I'm sorry to hear that it's so difficult to get away from this home where you don't feel you can be yourself safely. I'm glad you're here. <3

I don't want to be redundant, but I *do* think that if you called a local center they would have experience with this kind of thing and have ideas for how you could get out of the house safely, and what to say to your mom. I also wanted to throw out there that you can use Google Voice if you'd like a free phone number that is not tied to a family account to call them with! I know that can be a concern for folks.

Are there other faith-based community groups in your area that might fly under mom's radar but feel a bit better to you? You could say that you were looking for more faith-aligned time outside of Saturday groups and wanted to try groups that belong to other churches, maybe? That may be a bridge to getting them used to you spending time elsewhere. It's a small step, but I wonder if it could help. As the others said, we'd be happy to help you do some digging and find things that might work in your area!

I know this isn't a direct reply to you, alexa but i felt this was worth a post itself.

I've been buttering up my sister to see if she'd understand and accept me.


Well tonight i asked what she'd do if out younger sister was gay, to test the waters, she said she'd still love her and eventually we got deeper into the conversation and she said she thought what i wanted, i asked what.


She thought i was gay at first and then bisexual, i told her no and that i liked girls.


I asked what else there is and she asked if i wanted to be a girl, i said yes, and she asked why and i explained myself and my feelings and she said that nothings changed and she basically said she didn't care and that she still loves me and wants me to be happy.


I'm glad i finally have someone to talk to.

Hi Thea,

I'm so glad that your sister seems to have taken you coming out to her well. I know that was something you were thinking a lot about, and it's great that you now may have someone within your family that you can talk to about these things.

You mentioned that your sister visits your birth mother pretty frequently. What is your relationship (if you have one) with your birth mother like? Too, since your sister goes out more often, where does she say she's going? I ask because that could clue you in to places that your family is okay letting you go, which could in turn help you find ways to get out of the house and then be able to go where you need or want to.

Have you given anymore thought to calling the local LGBT center and asking for help figuring out how to visit?

I have a lot on my mind right now so i haven't thought about calling but, my relationship with her is almost nonexistent for a few reasons, but my sister will say she's going over there for a day or two and my mom doesn't care.

I couldn't be more glad to hear this news about the conversation with your sister! What a wonderful development.

I'm so glad that things went well coming out to your friend and your sister! That's awesome! It's been a few days, how are you feeling about that now?

I also just want to encourage you to really think about taking advantage of any reason you can use to get out of the house, including the resources the staff/volunteers here are offering to help get out out and about, and go explore your city when not always accompanied by your family. The thought of moving out can be really exciting when it's far away, but the closer the reality of moving out gets, the more anxiety about what it all entails can come up. I can imagine that could compound if you don't have a lot of experience getting out and about on your own yet. Of course you should take your time and go at your speed, but the more time you spend out on your own, it could help you be more prepared down the road when you're getting things ready to move out.

Now that it's been a few days, do you want to talk about any of the things you had on your mind?

horriblegoose wrote:I'm so glad that things went well coming out to your friend and your sister! That's awesome! It's been a few days, how are you feeling about that now?

I also just want to encourage you to really think about taking advantage of any reason you can use to get out of the house, including the resources the staff/volunteers here are offering to help get out out and about, and go explore your city when not always accompanied by your family. The thought of moving out can be really exciting when it's far away, but the closer the reality of moving out gets, the more anxiety about what it all entails can come up. I can imagine that could compound if you don't have a lot of experience getting out and about on your own yet. Of course you should take your time and go at your speed, but the more time you spend out on your own, it could help you be more prepared down the road when you're getting things ready to move out.

Now that it's been a few days, do you want to talk about any of the things you had on your mind?

Me and my sister had a long few talks and i had an epiphany, I've never been skinny or anything in my life, so after some long thoughts, i thought that if i could lose weight, i could try being a guy and seeing if the dysphoria goes away, but if it doesn't get better I'm going to do what'll make me happy, and if that means being a girl, I'm going to do it.

Oh, wow. I'm... so sorry to hear that, CaptainWildRose. It sounded like your sister had been initially accepting, but now you're forcing yourself to go back into the closet even to yourself. =(

How did you feel during this conversation with your sister? Is she the one who suggested you might be confusing feelings about your weight with feelings about your gender? Was she encouraging you to find other reasons for your feelings than being a girl? Did you feel pressured at all to "compromise" on your feelings and admit they could be for another reason other than the fact that you're trans?

Fat people are trans, too. Fat people are people. Skinny is not the ideal or perfect body type. Skinny is not the only body type that matters.

It's true that being fat, because of the immense amount of anti-fat bigotry in the world, can really confuse some people's journeys of questioning their gender. Much like being assigned female at birth can fill some people with doubt over being trans because they wonder if it's not "just" internalized misogyny they're feeling rather than being trans. Even folk assigned male at birth struggle with questioning due to patriarchy and wondering if learning about sexism and toxic masculinity have only "made" them think they're trans instead of really being trans.
All this, of course, is also tied up in transphobia and cisnormativity. The world tries to tell us we have to be anything but trans. We're fat. We're afab. We're amab. We're intersex. We're seeking attention. We're depressed. We're just confused.

That's not true. You can be trans. You can be a woman. No matter what other confusing, conflicting, or even depressing/negative thoughts we have, we can still be trans. And we are valid.

Being skinny is not a recipe for happiness, either. Especially if your body type is naturally not-skinny and you are having to resort to different types of self-harm to force yourself to be skinny. That's only going to cause unhappiness - and very likely, medical complications.

I understand if you're not ready to talk about the trans stuff again, yet. It's been a really big couple of days. Often, big days like these can lead to big anxiety bubbles for us and make us more depressed/anxious/scared/dysphoric than whatever our usual amount of those feelings are. People who come out often experience a great deal of anxiety later facing folk who use their correct name/pronouns/gender, even if those people have been nothing but accepting. This is because we held all those things up inside, causing a lot of stress and anxiety and fear and sadness, and being vulnerable and sharing those things is hard. After sharing those things, the stress and anxiety and fear and sadness we've been holding inside often starts leaking out and feeling even bigger. So, if you can't talk about it now, give another week to start settling. It might make it easier to accept your feelings and talk about them once you've gotten used to the fact that you did share your news and now some people know.

Could you talk about how you're planning to lose weight, though? I do not think this is a particularly healthy way to confront your dysphoria, but I do want to make sure that when you talk about losing weight, you're going to work on developing healthy habits instead of falling into disordered eating, overexercising, or otherwise harming yourself - including psychologically.

Big internet hugs if you want them.

horriblegoose wrote:Oh, wow. I'm... so sorry to hear that, CaptainWildRose. It sounded like your sister had been initially accepting, but now you're forcing yourself to go back into the closet even to yourself. =(

How did you feel during this conversation with your sister? Is she the one who suggested you might be confusing feelings about your weight with feelings about your gender? Was she encouraging you to find other reasons for your feelings than being a girl? Did you feel pressured at all to "compromise" on your feelings and admit they could be for another reason other than the fact that you're trans?

Fat people are trans, too. Fat people are people. Skinny is not the ideal or perfect body type. Skinny is not the only body type that matters.

It's true that being fat, because of the immense amount of anti-fat bigotry in the world, can really confuse some people's journeys of questioning their gender. Much like being assigned female at birth can fill some people with doubt over being trans because they wonder if it's not "just" internalized misogyny they're feeling rather than being trans. Even folk assigned male at birth struggle with questioning due to patriarchy and wondering if learning about sexism and toxic masculinity have only "made" them think they're trans instead of really being trans.
All this, of course, is also tied up in transphobia and cisnormativity. The world tries to tell us we have to be anything but trans. We're fat. We're afab. We're amab. We're intersex. We're seeking attention. We're depressed. We're just confused.

That's not true. You can be trans. You can be a woman. No matter what other confusing, conflicting, or even depressing/negative thoughts we have, we can still be trans. And we are valid.

Being skinny is not a recipe for happiness, either. Especially if your body type is naturally not-skinny and you are having to resort to different types of self-harm to force yourself to be skinny. That's only going to cause unhappiness - and very likely, medical complications.

I understand if you're not ready to talk about the trans stuff again, yet. It's been a really big couple of days. Often, big days like these can lead to big anxiety bubbles for us and make us more depressed/anxious/scared/dysphoric than whatever our usual amount of those feelings are. People who come out often experience a great deal of anxiety later facing folk who use their correct name/pronouns/gender, even if those people have been nothing but accepting. This is because we held all those things up inside, causing a lot of stress and anxiety and fear and sadness, and being vulnerable and sharing those things is hard. After sharing those things, the stress and anxiety and fear and sadness we've been holding inside often starts leaking out and feeling even bigger. So, if you can't talk about it now, give another week to start settling. It might make it easier to accept your feelings and talk about them once you've gotten used to the fact that you did share your news and now some people know.

Could you talk about how you're planning to lose weight, though? I do not think this is a particularly healthy way to confront your dysphoria, but I do want to make sure that when you talk about losing weight, you're going to work on developing healthy habits instead of falling into disordered eating, overexercising, or otherwise harming yourself - including psychologically.

Big internet hugs if you want them.

At the moment I'm not in the right state of mind to talk about anything, all i can ask is that all of you pray for me, I'm going to need it.

I'm definitely keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you well. <3

CaptainWildRose wrote:
Me and my sister had a long few talks and i had an epiphany, I've never been skinny or anything in my life, so after some long thoughts, i thought that if i could lose weight, i could try being a guy and seeing if the dysphoria goes away, but if it doesn't get better I'm going to do what'll make me happy, and if that means being a girl, I'm going to do it.

Hi CaptainWildRose,

I hope you're doing well, and it's okay if you don't feel up to talking yet. Just wanted to say we're thinking of you and wishing you well! If you do feel like chatting some more, read on, but no pressure at all to reply.

Like we talked about before, gender dysphoria can ebb and flow. Different genders definitely face different pressures and expectations around weight, so I can see how gender and weight feel like they are entangled. Can you say a little more about your epiphany? If you were to imagine feeling more thin, in what ways would that change your feelings about your gender?

Dysphoria can also exist for other reasons. "Dysphoria" means "a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life," so you can also experience it due to being unhappy with your body, unrelated to gender. It can be tricky to tease those things apart, but it might be helpful as you figure out how you feel about your gender.

Feeling unhappy with bodies is a pretty common human experience, unfortunately, so you aren't alone. I wish for everyone to feel comfortable, safe, and happy in their body, including you! There are some different approaches to loving your body, even when if feels difficult, below:

Seven Ways to Love Your Body
The Scarleteen Do-It

Amanda F. wrote:

CaptainWildRose wrote:
Me and my sister had a long few talks and i had an epiphany, I've never been skinny or anything in my life, so after some long thoughts, i thought that if i could lose weight, i could try being a guy and seeing if the dysphoria goes away, but if it doesn't get better I'm going to do what'll make me happy, and if that means being a girl, I'm going to do it.

Hi CaptainWildRose,

I hope you're doing well, and it's okay if you don't feel up to talking yet. Just wanted to say we're thinking of you and wishing you well! If you do feel like chatting some more, read on, but no pressure at all to reply.

Like we talked about before, gender dysphoria can ebb and flow. Different genders definitely face different pressures and expectations around weight, so I can see how gender and weight feel like they are entangled. Can you say a little more about your epiphany? If you were to imagine feeling more thin, in what ways would that change your feelings about your gender?

Dysphoria can also exist for other reasons. "Dysphoria" means "a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life," so you can also experience it due to being unhappy with your body, unrelated to gender. It can be tricky to tease those things apart, but it might be helpful as you figure out how you feel about your gender.

Feeling unhappy with bodies is a pretty common human experience, unfortunately, so you aren't alone. I wish for everyone to feel comfortable, safe, and happy in their body, including you! There are some different approaches to loving your body, even when if feels difficult, below:

Seven Ways to Love Your Body
The Scarleteen Do-It

In my epiphany, i was talking with my sister and thought about how different and nice it'd be if i was a thin somewhat built guy, i wonder if i lived confidently without hesitation and with actual self esteem, if I'd be okay being a man, but honestly i don't know where I'm going anymore, since i opened up this year, my mind has been all over the place, i am doubting if i wanna be trans, or be a guy, i don't know anymore and all i do is cry and cry and cry out to god for help and answers and nothing is being said back, I'm at a loss, feel like this is the most depressing time in my life, I've asked god why he didn't kill me when i was born, why didn't he let me die when i couldn't breathe, why is he letting me suffer? Don't take these thoughts and feelings as suicidal, I'm to much of a coward to actually do it, but I'm lonely I'm sad and i don't know anything about myself and I'm lost and desperately searching for answers and feel like there's no way out.


Sorry, i just needed to rant..