Scarleteen

Oh gosh, I really feel you on not wanting to do close-quarters Pride events (or any events!!) indoors right now; it really bums me out that so few Pride events in many areas (including my own) are not taking covid precautions very seriously.

Right?? Too real.

Also, random aside: I’ve noticed lately that I can’t masturbate without feeling lonely and/or pathetic, and I hate feeling that way about something that can be relaxing to the point of helping me sleep some nights— it becomes something for me to avoid out of shame/sadness/self-judgment/loneliness now.

And of course my brain being mean to me about it probably doesn’t help (“well, of course you’d resort to this… you don’t have anyone else who’d be interested in being with you romantically and/or sexually.”

Not sure how to work through those feelings — I feel WAY too embarrassed bringing something like that up to my therapist — but this particular topic/feeling is something I’ve noticed crop up post-breakup too.

Hey there, you. . It's always nice to see you here.

To me, these ways of thinking about masturbation sounds like you're dealing with having internalized some of the messages about masturbation in our overarching culture. For instance, like the framing of masturbation as something lesser or secondary to sex with a partner, or something that only unpartnered people do because that's all that's available to them (which can certainly be the case for us sometimes, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with masturbating or being without wanted sexual opportunities with other people).

If this was where my own head was at, what I would probably do, is see if I couldn't sit with a piece of paper or a digital notepad and write down all the ideas I have about masturbation in a free-association way. Then I'd look at that list and see if I could figure out where I got those ideas from -- which were from outside of me, which were based on my actual experiences with masturbation, which that I have came from long-ago things meant to make me feel exactly that way to keep me from seeking pleasure by myself!

How does a process like that sound?

Hi Heather! Always great to hear from you

Ooh, I never thought about that, but I do love writing. Sure, I’m down to give it a try, why not?

I never really thought about where I got this messaging honestly… this will be an interesting exercise (and it’ll at least be better than feeling crappy about myself). I’ll share here whatever comes up, since again, I’d feel way too embarrassed to talk about this with anyone else in any other space.

Update: Apparently my ex has officially moved on with someone else. I’m so heartbroken, like I found out today that they started dating someone else not long after we broke up. Based on various factors, it seems highly likely that my ex started seeing this person while we were dating. I know it’s not rational for me to feel this upset, but it’s hard not to take it personally, you know?

Hey MusicNerd -- I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I actually disagree with you - I don't think you're acting irrational, especially if you're finding out that this relationship might have started while you were still with your ex. That's just not cool, to say the very least. I feel comfortable sharing with you that I can relate pretty heavily to the situation you're in right now. Something I've been working on is making sure I don't equate my ex's ability to move on quickly with me not being important enough to need a lot of time to get over. It's important to keep in mind is that everyone processes differently... or sometimes not at all, actually, from my experience. Sometimes people need to jump to someone else quickly so they can avoid processing a painful end to another relationship. All this to say... someone's ability to move on has everything to do with them and likely nothing to do with you specifically. I also want to point out that you don't know for sure if this relationship started while you were together, even if some signs are pointing to it. I think it's ok to be observant of connections like that, but just make sure you aren't assuming the worst. Not for the sake of your ex, but for the sake of yourself and how you feel. I'm hope hearing this helps you find some comfort. We're here if you want to continue venting! <3

Hi Carly,

Thanks so much for your kind words! I really appreciate it. <3 And I’m sorry you can relate— breakups suck.

You know, in talking about this with one of my friends, I realized this is a pattern of theirs; they tend to rush into relationships and date people without much time between relationships. I thought things would be different with me, since they expressed wanting to intentionally take things slow with me so as not to screw things up, but ultimately it wasn’t since they freaked out and ran away once things got vulnerable. So, I’m trying to remember that their behavior, or patterns of behavior, are not a reflection of me.

Also hurts since they’re posting this new person all over their social media, which is not a typical thing for them (they’ve posted 1 photo of like 1 ex-partner ever). But my friend also pointed out to me that social media isn’t always reflective of reality, so I can’t assume how someone’s doing based off of posts.

I’m realizing that I deserve way better than this— I deserve someone who sees my value and wouldn’t want to let me go once, let alone push me away twice. I don’t think they’re a crappy person, but their actions leave much to be desired.

Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear this and I get why it would feel so hurtful!! I'm glad you're keeping in mind that their behavior isn't a reflection on you; I think that's really important to hold on to. <3

Thanks, Mo. Yeah, it REALLY hurts. I’m planning on going back to EMDR therapy, because like… I can’t unsee just how happy they look together in all their photos and videos, and all the cheesy captions and whatnot, you know? Makes me feel like they were able to move on super easily, and find this perfect partner, even if social media doesn’t tell the full story.

They must really love them and be serious if they’re making these posts about their new partner (when they normally don’t do that), and they made their relationship official really quickly, you know? A friend of mine says it’s highly unlikely they’ve changed their avoidant tendencies and all that so soon, but it still hurts.

I know I won’t feel this way forever, but idk, it just stinks.

(Sidenote: Also, kinda irks me how they literally check my social media/instagram stories every single time that I post. Like, they could at least leave me alone, right? Ugh)

Oh my god I know this feeling so well. My friend is actually going through the same thing. She’s really struggling with checking her ex’s social media and seeing how happy he is with his new partner. It’s definitely not easy, which is why I always recommend to block or mute the ex on all of your accounts. I know this might take a lot of strength but it really seems to help, especially if they keep looking at your account too. It definitely helped me in the past. Take care!

Hi Nicole! Yeah, I’ve definitely muted them. Just sucks to know they’ve moved on so quickly and sped up their relationship too Clearly shows they’re serious about this new person (because why else would you post all these things and move into a relationship with someone so soon, right?)

This may be true, but they also could be overcompensating for something… we don’t always know the intentions behind people’s posts. Social media does not reflect the reality of someone’s relationship. It typically paints this “perfect” picture that many find unattainable in real life.

Ah, that’s a fair point. I know I’ve definitely pretended to be happy on social media before, and that everything was great, when it wasn’t. So I guess it’s not unreasonable that this could be happening with them.

Yeah! You seem very well aware of your ex’s previous behaviors in relationships, so you might have an idea about what’s going on behind closed doors. It is important to reflect and understand that you are not in this situation anymore and you can grow from what you’ve experienced. You did mention that you are thinking about going back to therapy, have you reach out to a therapist yet? How is that going? I think this will help ease your concerns a bit more. We are still always here to help you out whenever you need!

Thankfully, I have an individual therapist, but I’m waiting to hear back from my former EMDR therapist to see if she has any availability. I’ve found EMDR to be helpful in the past when dealing with a breakup (even though it wasn’t as long or painful as this one).

And thanks for letting me vent and helping to put things in perspective for me! Regardless of how often they look at my account, I’ve learned my lesson in not checking theirs anymore.

Hey MusicNerd -- I'm chiming in to comment on a few things! I HIGHLY recommend removing your ex on social media, if not blocking. When I noticed my ex watching my IG stories and what not, I found myself always checking if he saw it. Sometimes I'd even pander to him specifically with what I posted. Ultimately, me allowing him access to my life - even what I curated - stood in the way of me moving on because I was still sharing everything with him. It might feel scary to just cut it off like that, but I promise you it will help.

Something I'm seeing a lot in your posts here is assuming your ex is doing better, falling in love with someone else, etc. I also feel the same way a lot of the time. My ex made me feel like such dead weight on his life that I assume that now that I'm gone he's been able to do everything he's ever dreamed of. Over time I've realized that this is a reflection of my low self esteem and sense of worth rather than how he's actually doing, because there's actually no way for me to know how he's doing. My therapist suggested that I just simply assume he's doing bad. It sounds very silly I know, maybe even a little negative or bitchy, but... it's helped a lot, even if it's a thing I just tell myself to get on with the day.

I just realized that Carly and I were typing up a response at the same time! I’m glad you’re looking into EMDR again and no problem! Yeah, if they continue to look at your account, then something really doesn’t seem right with their current relationship. As I said earlier, all the posting of the new partner could be overcompensating for something. If them lurking on your profile continues to make you uncomfortable, then please block them. Carly basically already said all the right things! We seem to have all gone through similar circumstances and we are here for you. Please continue to keep us in the loop if you feel comfortable!

Hi Carly and Nicole,

Wow, these are all really eye-opening points!

@Carly - You’re right, this could just be my self-esteem taking a hit that’s making me assume that everything is hunky-dory on their end. That actually makes sense the more I think about it… wow.

And yeah, blocking would probably help them not see my stories, but idk if I’m there yet. Eventually, but maybe not today. I did delete their text conversations today though, so that felt good!

Also, I laughed when you mentioned just assuming they’re having a bad time! haha Honestly, I’m not above using petty lines of thinking to get me to a healthier place. Like, I literally told a friend the other day that, simply out of spite, I refuse to believe that future partners will do this to me too like, “Nope! You’re not gonna take my future happiness with other people from me!” So, even if it’s petty, it’s at least helping me stay open to new connections instead of avoiding them lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@nicole - My therapist thinks that because I said “maybe, but I need time and space” to their offer of friendship when we broke up back in May, that they’re just checking up on me platonically…. every single day. But like, they also pulled the classic “whoops, accidentally messaged you!” thing a few months ago (and for various reasons I won’t get into, including muting their page, I know the odds of that being an accident were slim-to-none). So, I’m not totally convinced that she’s correct, especially since it’s like every day that this happens, but who knows.

To be honest, I’m starting to agree with you that something might be overcompensated for too since they’re orbiting so much… but again, who knows, and at this point I’m just looking forward to hearing back from my EMDR therapist soon (I really hope she has availability!)

I will definitely continue to keep y’all in the loop as things come up— thanks for letting me ramble, I really appreciate it!

Hey MusicNerd, I'm glad you're resonating with our responses. Honestly, moving forward from a breakup is not a linear process, so please take your time and do what feels right at your own pace! Also, I think your therapist might have a point, but based on what you've shared with us, it is clear that your ex still has you on their mind even while they are with their new partner and that is really causing you some trouble. You mentioned to your ex that you needed time and space, so they should respect that and leave you be. The frequency of them "checking up on you" causes you stress and that is unacceptable on their end. With all of this in mind, I am wishing you luck with EMDR therapy, and we are always here to listen!