Scarleteen

So my ex’s friend reached out to me to say that she was there for me too, even though my ex and I split. So I took her word at face value and naturally I told her about everything. Big mistake.

I told her that I was a codependent, I told her that my ex was emotionally abusive to me, I told her that this new relationship she now has is toxic and is using it to not confront herself, and I told her that she should be careful with how she handles her friendship with my ex at this time because she could fall into the codependency trap too (anyone can).

Rather than acknowledging what I was saying and talking things out with me and supporting me, like an actual friend would, she just said she was sorry I felt that way about the situation (insinuating she thought my perceptions of it were wrong) and felt it was toxic on both sides (which is what I was saying because being a codependent IS toxic but she clearly doesn’t understand what a codependent is). I didn’t feel like she was hearing me nor did she want to really support me as a friend, which is exactly what I predicted would happen because she’s not my friend, she’s my ex’s.

She said my ex wasn’t blaming me at all for what was happening (which, I’m not gonna lie, I doubt because if not my ex would have said that to me) and that’s why she was able to text me, because my ex allowed her to and my ex even thanked her for it. But I feel like it’s not genuine. And I can’t help but feel there’s ulterior motives because I completely lost trust in my ex.

And she actually said she asked my ex if she could say “a final goodbye” to me. But the message she sent me wasn’t a “I wish you luck” message. It was a “I’m here for you for whatever” message. I’m so confused why she didn’t clarify that in the beginning. She said it was because she didn’t know how the conversation would go. Obviously it would go to one where I feel I can talk to her and open up to her about what’s happening if she’s telling me “she’s here for me regardless of whether my ex and I split.” I’m just so confused right now.

From what you're describing I'd say that confusion is understandable! Obviously I can't know what's going on in your friend's mind, but I wonder if she reached out because it felt like the "right" thing to do or because she genuinely does want to maintain some of connection with you and was not prepared for the possibility of you actually being honest about what you needed. I suspect that's where the "didn't know where the conversation would go" comment came from.

Too, presenting her contact with you as being something your ex "allows" her to do while not listening to your warnings about how your ex treated you sounds pretty frustrating. Do you feel like this conversation is sort of "proof" that, for now at least, this just isn't a friendship you can engage in?

Absolutely. I told her that we shouldn’t be friends. Honestly, the fact that my ex is controlling who her friends speak to or don’t speak to is concerning. And it makes me worried for this friend. If my friend who I’ve been talking to about this situation wants to reach out to my ex for whatever reason, that’s my friends decision, not mine. I can’t control who my friends are or aren’t friends with. That’s their choice. But what I CAN choose is who my friends are or aren’t. That’s something I can do.

I do think that this friend did want to be friends with me, but I also think that her friendship with my ex is, in a way, preventing her from really doing that and I respect that. But, to me, it is unhealthy for her to feel that she needs approval from her friend to reach out. Especially when she says that I’m her friend too.

I guess that’s why I wanted that boundary before where I felt I couldn’t be friends with someone my partner is dating. But then again, maybe my boundary should have been that I should have a partner that respects my friends regardless of whether they have a relationship with them or not. And, in fact, I am not friends at all anymore with my ex’s now partner. Because they both didn’t respect the relationship I had with either of them. And I don’t trust either of them at all anymore. They both broke that boundary.

I think ending your relationships with both of them is a sound call, if only because--as you said--neither of them demonstrated much respect for your boundaries or your feelings.

I also think you're onto something with focusing less on having zero overlap between friendships and your partner's partners and more on having a partner who respects your friendships regardless of how they relate to that person. Ultimately, that's a little bit easier of a boundary to hold, because you never know if a future partner will end up dating someone you really get along with.

That’s really true. And I think it’s an easier boundary for me to have in a relationship. Now what I have to practice is actually enforcing those boundaries by communicating them when I eventually do have another partner and, if my partner is crossing those boundaries, having the ability to end the relationship. I feel a lot more secure in myself now and in what I want.

I'm so glad you're feeling that way!

Something I actually realized now that I’m apart from this relationship is that I think my so-called friend is actually an abuser and I have a feeling that she love bombed my ex, manipulated my ex, and gaslighted my ex and I think THAT is why me ex was lashing out at me, not because of her mothers death.

My ex only knew this person for a week when she told me they were part of her past lives and that she had a “strong spiritual relationship” with her. This person has been isolating her from her friends and from me. This person has made her feel like her mental health issues are my ex’s mental health issues and that she’s the only one who can fix them. This person is a serial cheater and continues to disrespect the boundaries of others. Hell, she even tried to isolate me from my friends by saying “I shouldn’t talk about this situation with any of them cause they’ll bias me”. I have no doubt in my mind that this person is abusing my ex and my ex in turn was lashing out at me because of it.

What my ex is going through now is actually EXACTLY what happened to me in my past relationship. I actually thought the last person I dated (not my ex but the one before her) was my soulmate literally a week after we started dating. He made me believe that his mental health issues were mine and that it’s my responsibility to care for him because “he had terminal cancer and no one is here for me” and made me feel guilty if I left because “you’re just going to abandon me like the others”. Everything I went through is exactly what my ex is going through, which is why I think she is being abused. She most certainly was love bombed and once you enter that, it is HARD to get out. Hell, this partner of mine almost killed me TWICE and I still didn’t leave him. It took him cheating on me for me to finally have the courage to walk away. And that was after 9 months of abuse.

I kinda want to tell ny partner this, but at the same time, it’s just not my job and not ny responsibility. Although I love her very much, and I do not want her to be abused, unfortunately she has to go through it to get over it, if that makes sense? Cause when people told me “oh he didn’t have terminal cancer. He’s lying.” “Oh he’s being abusive to you.” “Oh, he’s cheating on you.” I didn’t believe it until I saw it for my own very eyes. No matter what you tell the victim, only they can decide to get out of it. And me trying to get my ex to see that is not only unhealthy to me, it’s unhealthy to her because she has to go through it. There’s no other way.

Oof, that's a really rough conclusion to come to, for both you of course and your ex. I can imagine it's hard because you don't want her to go through an abusive relationship, but it seems like even if you tell her she might not believe you at this time. Do you think there's any other way you can help her or just be supportive? Or is that not something you have the bandwith for? I know she mistreated you, and you deserve better. But she was also someone you cared a lot about so I wonder if there's an in-between that doesn't take up too much of your emotional energy and mental peace?

So, after talking to my mentor, my friend, and even my family about this, I decided I cannot do anything to help her at this time. First, I have to solve my codependency issue because if I don’t solve it, I’m going to fall back into the same patterns. Second, you’re right. Even if I did tell her, she would never believe me because she’d think I’m biased as someone who was in a romantic relationship with her. In fact, I tired telling her friend my conclusion and to be wary of the signs, but she didn’t believe me cause she thinks I’m biased. My ex is going to come to the same conclusion. Third, I unfortunately cannot save survivors from abuse. The abuser (usually) knows what they’re doing. The victim does not. That’s what’s so dangerous about it: the abuser completely warps reality of the victim so much that the victim can no longer determine for themselves what’s real or what’s not and it makes them stay even longer in the predicament.

Looking back, I really don’t think it’s my ex’s fault. I think she was projecting what was happening to her on to me which again isn’t right, but it’s not her fault because she is the victim of abuse in this case. However, it is my responsibility to protect myself in this situation and disengage from her. It’s best for the both of us, so I can heal and she can come to these conclusions on her own.

I have to set the boundary that I cannot engage in a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship with her at the time being. But if she chooses, after she realizes what’s happening, I can be there to listen to her without judgement.

I think what hurts the most now is knowing that it was neither of our faults, but the fault of that person, and there’s nothing I can do but accept the situation. I will cherish the nice memories we had for the past two and a half years, but I can no longer engage with her because of this, unfortunately. It’s for her to figure out.

It sounds like you did a lot of soul searching to arrive at that boundary with her, and I agree that even if it feels hard it's likely the best decision in terms of your own well-being. I think that, as you grieve the relationship with your ex, it can also help to remember while their was a bunch of red flag behavior from your friend/her crush, she still made some choices around how she treated you that contributed to the end of the relationship. That doesn't mean that she deserves how her crush is/was treating her; it just means that relationships end for complex reasons, and that can influence how we feel about them as we grieve a break up.

How do I move on? And how do I accept that this situation was completely out of my control?

Hey Mixxes -- I think those are some of the hardest questions to answer, for ourselves and for others. Not only because everyone processes this situation differently, but because often the solutions are not instant. Right now, answering these questions might take the form of making and maintaining boundaries (sounds like you're already doing this!), finding new things to fill the time you'd spend with a partner, and letting time pass. I really like our resource Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking for getting through feelings like this. I went through a very painful break-up in January reading through that really helped assure me it would pass. Did it all go way? No, but I am in a very different place than I was compared to a week or two out. Does anything from the article particularly resonating with you?

Honestly, right now, I’m in the phase where I’m just trying to make sense of everything. I genuinely thought that my ex was no doubt one of the people I was going to build a family with. We were even a part of each other’s families. My family had a great respect for her and her family loved me. We rarely argued, and when we did, we talked it out and, once it was resolved, we moved on and left it in the past. I did notice some codependency behaviors on both of our parts. But sometimes it’s a little hard to tell when care turns to codependency if that makes sense? For example, I broke my leg and my partner felt like she HAD to take care of me. Although I appreciated it very much, I felt like she took on too much responsibility for me that should have gone to her self care. I also sometimes tried to help her deal with her feelings. One of the worst arguments we had was when we were discussing which medical schools we wanted to go to and she told me she’d rather be caught dead than to go to an Ivy League because they were all awful people. I was genuinely offended and a little in shock because she knew I had gone to an Ivy League for an internship so I thought she thought I was one of those awful people. Instead of just letting her vent about her feelings, I forced her to see my view which is that Ivy Leagues weren’t all bad and that good people could come out of them too. But really, what I should have done was just listen to her, which, after realizing my mistake, I did. I apologized for imposing my opinion and I just listened and then we moved on and never fought about it again. In fact, she considered Ivy Leagues and I considered not going to them. We had completely changed our minds after and we’re more than happy to go anywhere that accepted us. I just can’t believe it turned from that to this…

Maybe she felt like I didn’t support her enough during her mother’s COVID diagnosis and later death. But I truly felt I did. She told me to not bring her up, so I didn’t. And when she wanted to talk, I was there to listen, always. And I never judged her for it. I didn’t want to offer her advice because I didn’t want to push her in any way, so I just lended my ear.

Maybe she felt like I was too much of a burden because I’m disabled. I was temporarily disabled because of my broken leg (still am cause I limp) and permanently disabled with PTSD, depression, and anxiety from having been through a really scary abusive relationship. Maybe my disabilities were just too much for her and she felt burdened by it.

Maybe she didn’t love herself enough to be ready for a relationship that truly involved love and not abuse. Her past relationships were abusive and her father was the worst abuser of all. I have gone to seven years of therapy for my abuse, but she barely even had a month of it. Maybe she wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I was offering and so she jumped to the first relationship that seemed the most familiar to the ones she had before-because she felt like she didn’t deserve the one we had.

I talked to my therapist about it. I told her that I feel like my partner was a ticking time bomb because she had never dealt with her problems. Maybe the reason why we never had these issues before is because we were in lockdown and we only really interacted with other friends and family, people who were safe to us. But after we started coming out to the world again, she met someone who gave her the most comfort, the feeling she’s used to, and so chose that over me because she had never dealt with her inner child. I also said that I thought it would have happened eventually, whether with this girl or someone else, because she hadn’t healed herself. My therapist agreed and said that I was very insightful and knowledgeable about this situation.

Although my ex was the main cause of the problems in our relationship, I am not without fault. Because I am a codependent, I am scared to speak up about my boundaries and even to make boundaries at all. And when I do make boundaries and people disrespect them, I let them and enable them to because I’m too attached. And then I obsessively try to fix things to the point where my partner grows tired because they don’t want to change and I grow tired because they’re not willing to change. I should have broken up with my ex the moment I sent that first message to you all. Humiliating me and snapping at me in front of friends is not okay and it most definitely crossed my boundary. I shouldn’t have waited around for things to get as bad as it did. I should have just left the moment it happened, the moment my partner gaslit me in the bathroom while I cried because “I was overreacting and I’m embarrassing her and I need to think of my friends and how they feel about me crying”. I should have just ended it right there and took an Uber home, but I didn’t. I stayed. That was my biggest mistake of them all.

I really do wish my partner well. And I pray to God that my suspicions about her new partner being abusive our wrong. But it’s not my problem anymore. She made her bed, now she has to lay in it and face the consequences of her actions, which include her avoiding dealing with her past trauma. That is her karma and it was just waiting to present itself. Unfortunately it did in the worst way possible, and it put me in the middle, but now that I’m out of it, I can finally heal from this mess and work on my codependency. I do not want to be Codependent any longer.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of self-reflection right now, and I'm glad you're able to talk through a lot of it in therapy. I agree with your therapist that it's sound to recognize that your ex had a lot going on, and a lot of unaddressed things, that were going to rear their heads at some point in the relationship.

I'd encourage you to be gentle and understanding with your own actions in the relationship too. For instance, it's easy to look back and say "there, there's where I should have put my foot down/ended it." But it's so difficult, in the moment, to see that those moments are becoming the pattern and not the exception, and not convince yourself that it's just one-off or it's just your fault, you know?

It’s true. I know I did my best in this situation and that’s all anyone can ever ask for. But for the next relationship I have, I want to do better. My goal is to have a healthy relationship and build a strong foundation for a family. But in order to attain this goal of mine, I have to love myself first and build a strong, healthy foundation with myself.

I sincerely thought that this relationship was it, that this was the person I was going to build a family with, but I was completely wrong and it hurts a lot knowing that all the dreams and goals we had were never meant to be with us.

I know that I can find someone else I can build this future with and that even if I never have an opportunity to have a family it doesn’t dictate my worth. I can find other forms of family and I can even build a family by myself. But it would be nice to have a healthy partner or partners to share this with and I want to make sure I’m healed enough so that, if the opportunity does come, I’m ready.

I think those are all incredibly wise things to know about yourself about the control you do, or don't, have over the future. If there are ever kinds of support or information we can provide to help you navigate those future relationships, we're happy to help you out.

Thank you, Sam. I really appreciate all the support Scarleteen has given me during this difficult time.

I need another piece of advice. How do I move on from someone who doesn’t acknowledge their actions?

I decided to message my ex to get my stuff back, tell them my boundaries (absolutely no contact unless it’s a professional one since we’re in the same program and non-profit), and apologize for my role in the demise of the relationship.

She sent me a voice message of “closure” as well. She sounded really off and just distraught. She mostly just thanked me for everything in the relationship. In fact, she spent pretty much the whole five minutes thanking me for the relationship. And then she gave this as an apology:

"I would also like to say I apologize. I'm sorry for hurting us, for hurting me, and I'm sorry for hurting you. Right or wrong does not matter to me more than the fact that we've hurt each other and I'm sorry I hurt you. It's okay if you don't accept my apology or forgive us, forgive me. You don't owe anyone anything. You only owe yourself love and care in this moment. I'm sorry for not recognizing the codependency that occurred in our relationship and for not recognizing other unhealthy traits in our relationship and for not working it out earlier with you."

This is definitely progress, considering that the apologies she gave me before were “I’m sorry YOU feel that way”, “IF I hurt you, I’m sorry”, and, my favorite, “I’m sorry, but I NEEDED to kiss her because YOU wore me out”. Clearly she’s not good at apologizing at all or taking any accountability for her actions and instead shifting blame to me, hence why our relationship ended.

Although I admit this was a much better apology than any of the ones she gave before because she finally did not give a single excuse, I still cannot help but feel she has YET to acknowledge her own actions. Instead of saying "I'm sorry I cheated on you and betrayed your trust." She said "I'm sorry for not recognizing the codependency in our relationship." That's not an acknowledgment of what she did. That's, again, putting blame on me for being codependent. Her apology focused on me and my behavior rather than her and her behavior. And recognizing unhealthy traits in our relationship isn't what she did wrong. It was her cheating on me, her making me cry in front of friends, her gaslighting me, her blame shifting, her neglecting me and our relationship, her breaking my boundaries, her saying insensitive, mean things to me, and countless other things. THAT is what she did and she, again, failed to acknowledge any of that. It's like she's incapable of admitting any sort of wrong doing. She cannot accept her actions and she cannot accept the mistakes she made. And I think it's because she holds a lot of shame, so much, that it prevents her from even considering the possibility that she did ANYTHING wrong herself.

This really pains me a lot because I feel like she will never acknowledge the actions she did that caused me harm. And if she is that way, she’s not the person I thought she was. How can someone truly have healthy relationships if they never admit fault when they were wrong? I guess I don’t really need her acknowledgement cause I know what happened and she doesn’t have to tell me. But for some reason I feel like I would have some relief if she did acknowledge it. Unfortunately that’s clearly not possible and I have to move on. So how do I move on from someone who doesn’t take accountability for their actions?

I think you're already doing a big part of it, which is acknowledging that this just isn't something she's likely to take responsibility for, and that you don't need her to completely agree with your version of the break-up for it to have been the right choice. It may be that part of you is hoping for her to acknowledge it because then it would mean you were "right" in a way, but as you said that's just not realistically what'll happen.

It can also help to treat her final message as the closure in and of itself. It told you how she's feeling about all this and what things she will, and will not, apologize for. It may not be the most satisfying ending to the conversation, but it is an ending, you know?

I guess maybe I wanted that acknowledgement because the apology feels insincere without it. Saying "Sorry I hurt you" doesn't really tell me anything. It gives no background to how she caused the hurt, what she did, and how she could remedy the situation. And saying "Sorry I didn't recognize your codependency" is not acknowledging her own actions. It's placing more blame on me, like she has consistently done. I feel like she just said it rid herself of guilt and not because she actually cares about me. It's clear that she thinks the only one at fault in this relationship is me, for being codependent, for trying to fix what I could not, for being disabled, and not her, for acting like an a**hole. For there to be a codependent, there must exist a person with a problem for the codependent to latch onto. And she did not acknowledge that that person was her. Everything is always everyone else's fault and not hers.

I guess it REALLY hurts that she can't give a proper apology because:

1. Her never acknowledging her actions means that we will never be able to remedy this relationship, which means that she cannot at all be a part of my life, ever. Not even as a friend. I cannot lie. A part of me wishes that one day, she'll wake up, have this epiphany that she needs to take accountability for her actions to resolve our relationship, and that we can resume being in each other's life. A part of me really wishes for this. But since she cannot acknowledge her actions, our relationship cannot be remedied at all and that hurts a lot.

2. Her never acknowledging her actions means that she completely blames me for what happened, when our relationship involved two people: me and her. I already acknowledged what I did: trying to change her when she didn't want to, forcing her to see things she clearly did not want to see, trying to "fix" her when she didn't ask for "fixing", etc. And her never acknowledging her part, in a way, is her telling me I'm the broken one. Or at least, that's how it feels like. It makes me feel like I'm crazy, like her cheating was all in my head, like her making me cry in front of all our friends then saying "I'm overreacting" was just another overreaction. I feel absolutely insane because I'm the only one in this relationship who sees her actions and thinks they're awful and hurtful. THAT is what hurts the most.

A genuine, true apology is supposed to bring people peace. She told me my apology to her brought her lots of peace and that it made her happy. But hers just brought me more pain. A lot more pain. Pain that we will never be able to resolve this issue and pain that she thinks it was all in my head. That the horrors of what I went through with her, BECAUSE of her, weren't real. I guess that's what I'm trying to remedy in my head so I can move on.

So, I'm wondering, do you feel that if she acknowledges her actions you can get back together and all the other problems will be solved? If you believe she can change AND you can move past what she did without it being a constant cloud over the relationship, then maybe the answer is yes. I ask so you can think about it (looking at your first point), because her giving a proper apology where she acknowledges her actions would be a good first step but won't make what she did go away and most importantly the overall issues in the relationship. She would have to really change, show she will respect your boundaries and you, and you'll have to work on the codependency. Again, I'm just trying to get you to think through it well. You deserve someone who doesn't cause you any of that pain of blaming you for their own actions and betraying your trust, and unfortunately, as Sam said, we can't really control how other people handle situations. It seems at this point she's given you the best apology she's going to give, and as crappy as it feels to know that, it could be the beginning of closure and moving forward.

Honestly, I don't want to get back together with her romantically or sexually. I was thinking maybe one day we could be friends, but her lack of acknowledgement makes that completely impossible. Her acknowledging what she did isn't really for me to feel better about the situation because what happened happened. There's nothing either of us can do to change that and I don't need an apology to forgive her. I'm already over what she did, but what I'm not over is the fact that she can't own up to it.

I think maybe in my mind, I associate her owning up to it as a sign that she's a person I can trust and, once she acknowledges it, I can feel like I can trust her again because she's not hurting me by shifting blame or gaslighting me anymore. She's seeing reality for reality and owning herself, all of herself, even her flaws. Right now, I can't trust her because she's not in that phase at all, and I don't know if she'll ever be. To me, not being able to acknowledge your own flaws, faults, and mistakes is a sign of toxicity and I guess what hurts is that she's too toxic for me to be around. I do believe that if she does ever acknowledge her fault, I would have no problem moving on from what happened and reintroducing her into my life as a friend because then I'd know she's in a healthy enough spot for us to interact without her constantly hurting me and gaslighting me.

I definitely agree that I deserve more than what she's given me and that I deserve someone who doesn't cause me pain through blaming me for everything. That's why I'm working on myself and why I'm building a strong foundation for that to increase the chances of it existing in my life. I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting that it won't be from her. I really did love her so much and I really thought she was that person, but I have to accept that she's not and move on. I just am having trouble with that acceptance.

I can understand why it would be so difficult to accept this change; it seems like it was a pretty quick change from a positive relationship to having to breakup and having these difficult conversations with her. I think there may be a possibility that you could connect platonically in the future, but that would depend on some reflection and change on her part and it does sound like that's just not going to be possible any time soon.
Because any growth or change in this area would have to be something she does, and not something you can control at all, I think it may be best to do what you can to let go of this as something you feel that you need to have a full sense of closure.

I wonder if it would help right now to shift your focus onto what you can do for yourself right now, to be kind to yourself as you're processing this breakup and to reach out to other forms of support in your life. What's the rest of your support system looking like right now?

That’s a good idea. I was going to meet with my mentor tomorrow but she got COVID. My other friend got COVID too. I hung out my with my family today and I can ask another one of my friends to hang out sometime this week. I can also reach out to my cousin. I do have people, I just feel like I haven’t seen them in forever. That’s another mistake I made in the relationship. Not putting more effort into my platonic and familial relationships. But now that I’m focusing on myself, I can rebuild those connections and hopefully get back on track.

That sounds like a great plan! I'm sorry to hear that some folks close to you got COVID (I've had several friends get it recently too, sadly), but I think spending time with friends and family is a good idea right now, especially if you weren't in touch as often during this relationship.

Hi! Just wanted to update y’all and discuss my progress after the break up. It’s been nearly a month since we parted ways and honestly I’ve felt so much more at peace and a lot happier than when I was when I was with them. I have been focusing solely on myself, on my self-growth, and on recovering from my codependency. I have also been nourishing my relationships with my family and friends, as well as with myself, and it’s felt very fulfilling. I feel like I’m rebuilding myself into a healthier, better version of myself and I truly believe that the next relationship I have will be much healthier because I now myself more, about what I want, what I won’t tolerate, and what I need. In addition, I’ve been doing a lot of work on boundary setting and feel I’ve been improving my relationships through my growth in this area. Therapy has also helped a lot, as well as all the love and support I’ve received from those closest to me. I’m also working towards my goals, which includes graduating, applying for med school, recording an album, and continuing my work for the non-profits I’m a part of.

I feel the thing I’m struggling with the most is letting go of the person I thought my ex was. It’s like a death of a person that never existed. Sometimes I feel like the person I thought she was was just a person I created in my head. Sometimes I feel like she really was who I thought she was, but just had an unfortunate series of events that led to her hurting me the way she did. Sometimes I feel like her hurting me was just unavoidable because she had never worked on herself, recovered from her trauma, and took it out on me.

Letting go has been really hard because I seriously thought this was the person I was going to marry. But I don’t deserve to marry someone who 1. Doesn’t put effort into our relationship 2. Doesn’t put effort into themselves and who 3. Treats me abusively, regardless of the reason they’re doing it. It’s really not fair that I dedicated so much into this relationship just for her to treat me like trash. I deserve someone who reciprocates the effort I give and who wants and works for a healthy relationship with me. I guess what’s been hardest to do is accepting that she’s not that person. That she’s not willing to acknowledge her mistakes, to improve herself, and to have a healthy relationship. Therefore, she’s not the one for me. How do I match my emotions to the reality that she’s just not a good partner for me and that I need to let her go?