Scarleteen

[didnt mean to make another post after my last one above-- things are weird to navigate on my phone sorry lol]

Just a message that I'm around today and tomorrow if you want to talk some more.

hey Heather! thanks, I really appreciate that I might take you up on that later today because my dad has already driven me kinda up a wall (and it's only 2 pm and I haven't even gone home yet) and I just am trying to be as kind to myself as possible during this time.

You got it. Hang in there!

alright, so I've only got 2 more hours to spend with my parents, and then I'm gonna hang out at a friend's place for the rest of the night, so that'll be fun!

it's so weird... I feel like a doll, and to protect myself I've basically put myself on autopilot -- nodding at the right times, giving half-assed smiles (I gave like one and I can't do genuine smiles with them anymore tbh), saying "mmhmm" and "okay" at the right points of conversation -- and my parents don't seem too concerned... that makes me realize just how little they care for my emotional wellbeing versus how much they just want me to be in their control.

like they asked how I'm doing and I said in the most robotic voice "good" and they were like "good, sweetie, I'm glad!" and I almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous they were being in trying to keep up the facade of being the "perfect family".

but yeah, to show you how little emotion is being exchanged here-- I'm typing this to you on my phone right now while sitting on the couch with them while watching tv.

I'm so sorry. I am very familiar with that kind of fronting with family to try not to get involved to protect yourself, but also how heartbreaking it can feel when families basically just accept that act rather than being willing to see and acknowledge the hurt behind it.

yeah, for sure. like I know they know on some level that I'm not actually okay, but they don't wanna see it or deal with it.

also, usually it's in these situations that my little kid self starts to feel unlovable, but then I had a mini-epiphany tonight that: the way my parents treat me doesn't mean I'm unlovable, it just means they're not loving and caring for me in ways that they should-- their abusive behavior doesn't make me any less lovable. it sounds so obvious now, but it wasn't clear to me for pretty much my whole life, and it's nice to finally see the truth for what it is.

That's a seriously kickass epiphany, and I'm so glad you had it.

I also find it helpful to remind myself in family relationships where love is not being extended or shared with me that a) the primary person that is usually centered around is someone I have sound reason to believe may not be all that capable of love, they just fake it with others better than with me (probably in large part because the others also participate in the charade or denial, and I don't), and b) if and when any given person doesn't or won't love someone, that tells us more about the person who isn't being loving than it does about the person who isn't being loved.

After all, we are all, truly all of us, IMO, loveable, so long as we aren't closed to being loved (and I'm talking about love, for real, not about things like codependence or control or other things sometimes people mistake for love or present as love). But a whole lot of people have barriers to loving others and treating people with care, barriers that often start with themselves and their lack of ability or desire to even do that with themselves, and a barriers based in a wide array of dysfunction.

That doesn't make not being loved or cared for by someone we want to be loved and cared for by -- and parents are the biggie with that one, for nearly everyone -- any easier, of course, nor does that stop it from hurting, or stop that longing. And I'm sorry you're even in the spot where this kind of good truth you're telling to yourself has to come from such a painful place, and are in the situation where you are starting to make some very big separation between yourself and your family: I know how rough that can be and feel, too. But I do think that when we can start to get some space and some autonomy, besides protecting ourselves from further hurt, it does get a lot easier to start to see these good truths, and to be more loving to yourself.

wow, you wrote a lot of great stuff here! I'll just go section-by-section then. haha

Heather wrote:That's a seriously kickass epiphany, and I'm so glad you had it.

I also find it helpful to remind myself in family relationships where love is not being extended or shared with me that a) the primary person that is usually centered around is someone I have sound reason to believe may not be all that capable of love, they just fake it with others better than with me (probably in large part because the others also participate in the charade or denial, and I don't), and b) if and when any given person doesn't or won't love someone, that tells us more about the person who isn't being loving than it does about the person who isn't being loved.

yeah, I could see that. I've actually wondered in the past if it's possible for my parents to be able to genuinely love. but yeah, part B you brought up is also super important and something I need to keep in mind for future reference.

Heather wrote:After all, we are all, truly all of us, IMO, loveable, so long as we aren't closed to being loved (and I'm talking about love, for real, not about things like codependence or control or other things sometimes people mistake for love or present as love). But a whole lot of people have barriers to loving others and treating people with care, barriers that often start with themselves and their lack of ability or desire to even do that with themselves, and a barriers based in a wide array of dysfunction.

for sure, I definitely agree with that notion of everyone being deserving of love-- I'm hard-pressed to think of any time where I've thought otherwise (except for when I applied it to myself for most of my life).

(sidenote: speaking of codependency, I need to make another thread about that since I'm afraid that my friendship with someone is starting to become codependent and I really don't want it to be.)

Heather wrote:That doesn't make not being loved or cared for by someone we want to be loved and cared for by -- and parents are the biggie with that one, for nearly everyone -- any easier, of course, nor does that stop it from hurting, or stop that longing. And I'm sorry you're even in the spot where this kind of good truth you're telling to yourself has to come from such a painful place, and are in the situation where you are starting to make some very big separation between yourself and your family: I know how rough that can be and feel, too. But I do think that when we can start to get some space and some autonomy, besides protecting ourselves from further hurt, it does get a lot easier to start to see these good truths, and to be more loving to yourself.

oh yeah, I definitely agree with you on space and autonomy. I've gotta say going to college and refusing to ever live with my parents ever again the first year after I left home was probably one of the hardest and most beneficial times for me. I'd also say finding other ways to continue to create emotional distance from my parents has also really been helpful for me (since physical distance started a few years ago for me, but emotional distance has been a longer process for me to navigate since they always try so hard to reach out to me and I've been consistently pushing them away (and my dad especially noticed)-- ex. barely any phone calls or conversations, etc).

Just checking in with you to see how you're doing after the visit.

It can definitely be tough to create emotional distance, especially if the other/s keep trying to fill it or say that they care (and then of course don't behave caringly). It can take some massive boundary-holding and ability to ignore or not be too harmed by the fallout, and usually some practice and refining of those things; and also, it can be tough to put that space there when we wish they did behave in a loving way and that the whole situation was different.

It's very common for children of parents who didn't behave lovingly to believe that we're not worthy of love or not loveable, even if and when we believe that all other humans are. I think it's just the way that children automatically process a situation like that. So, it's not at all odd that the fact that you're loveable hadn't fallen into place for you before now. I'm very glad it has

hey Redskies! I'm actually doing pretty okay, thanks for asking. continuing to be kind to myself and comfort myself while making some progress on my assignments (that are due in less than a week lol whoops, 'cause that's totally not stressful).

Redskies wrote:It can definitely be tough to create emotional distance, especially if the other/s keep trying to fill it or say that they care (and then of course don't behave caringly). It can take some massive boundary-holding and ability to ignore or not be too harmed by the fallout, and usually some practice and refining of those things; and also, it can be tough to put that space there when we wish they did behave in a loving way and that the whole situation was different.

yeah, tell me about it! it's super difficult since they keep trying to reach out and act like everything's okay and that they care (and you're right, they don't act like they do). yeah, i ignored my dad's random "good night, love you!" text last night, and it felt good to do that.

also, the fact that i hung out with a friend and his sister after seeing my parents helped me quite a bit. we basically watched a lot of Law and Order SVU and then some episodes of Bob's Burgers. lol i'm also probably gonna rewatch the new Star Wars movie again with them this week, so that'll be really fun!

Redskies wrote:It's very common for children of parents who didn't behave lovingly to believe that we're not worthy of love or not loveable, even if and when we believe that all other humans are. I think it's just the way that children automatically process a situation like that. So, it's not at all odd that the fact that you're loveable hadn't fallen into place for you before now. I'm very glad it has

it's really unfortunate that so many children of parents who do these things end up feeling unlovable. no one should ever be made to feel like that but yeah, i'm really glad that this message is finally starting to sink in for me.

also, i just wanna add in addition to what i posted right above: i've been really enjoying being by myself. like, actually though. i mean, i've always needed to recharge by being by myself after hanging out with other people or going to different social events and whatnot. #IntrovertProblems but i can say that this is the first time i'm not living with anyone else in a shared space (the apartment building i'm in makes me forget i'm living with other people since we don't share bathrooms or kitchens), and it feels pretty great.

i can go to bed and wake up whenever without worrying about disturbing anyone else's sleep with my alarm (the apartment building i'm in has thicker walls than the off-campus house i usually live in). i can be as smelly or clean as i want to be, and no one cares since no one's there. i can go where i want when i want and no one will question where i've been or where i'm going, and i don't have to worry about meeting anyone anywhere. i can do things at my own pace and without any external opinions or judgment to cloud my perceptions of things. i can play music and dance around in my room without anyone there to see me being ridiculous. i can practice doing different accents (a random thing i enjoy doing) and not worry about anyone else hearing me (or if they do, they'll just think i'm with someone else which works to my advantage in this temporary living-situation haha). i can have total peace and quiet whenever i want, since the building i'm in has such thick walls. i can get to know myself in a way i didn't realize i could. i don't have to worry about anyone else but myself-- and that feels really great. i can be a lot more aware of self-destructive thoughts and ways that i can comfort myself-- even though i try to do these things with other people around, for whatever reason being alone has helped me be much more in-tune with these things (hopefully this'll carry over to when i move back into my off-campus house). it helps me feel super independent and self-sufficient to know that i can be happy by myself.

i can actually say that i enjoy my own company, and that feels pretty fucking awesome.

also, on a completely random note: i shared an article about gaslighting on my facebook wall and wrote a post very vaguely describing my experiences with it/emotional + mental abuse in general and what i've learned, and quite a few people seemed to be able to relate. (i received one private message asking me if i considered violence as an answer to abuse (this particular person think violence is the answer to literally everything). and her message really irked me for multiple reasons, so i left it unread and deleted it. otherwise it was a positive experience for me to post this and get it off my chest) it was sad to see so many people i know be able to relate, but it was also nice to see such solidarity from folks-- it helped remind me how not-alone i am.

this was the article in case you or anyone else were wondering: 10 Things I’ve Learned About Gaslighting As An Abuse Tactic

Yay! Personally, like you, I need a lot of time alone to recharge, and it really feels like food for my sould when I get it. I'm so glad this has been so great for you!

I'm glad you made it through your family visit, as unpleasant as it was, and I'm glad you're enjoying some alone time now. As much as I do like being social, I need a *lot* of time by myself to recharge, especially after I've spent time around difficult people or in other kinds of high-stress social situations. I hope you can have a nice relaxing time being by yourself & getting your assignments done.

thanks, Heather and Mo! yeah, i'll definitely continue to try and enjoy my alone-time/break

UPDATE: hope y'all had a happy new year!! so, I recently visited a friend in another state for a couple days, and it was really fun! but now, i've got some things coming up with my parents again.

my dad is starting to get more insistent on having lunch with me and talking on the phone and all that (both of which i refuse or make up excuses to get out of it), and he's starting to take notice of things i do à la, "whenever we talk you keep our conversations super short" and "you always say you're stressed, why do you keep doing saying that all the time? i just wanna spend time with my daughter." he even super-sarcastically pulled the whole, "you know what would help you out? therapy," basically since i'm pretty sure he thinks that'll get me to be more obedient like i used to be-- even though, mind you, i told him i am currently looking for a therapist, and that that's not what any of this is about. i was just really offended that he tried to pull the mental health card, and basically how he tried pinning this on me instead of having him and my mom look at their own behavior.

speaking of my mom, she hasn't messaged me at all except for like once over new year's, which is odd, so i'm thinking this is part of the thing she does with having my dad reach out to me for the both of them. unfortunately, it's something they've done before that's worked in the past in getting me to trust them, but i refuse to let that work this time.

like, i've realized just how much more at-peace with myself and my life i feel when i'm not in contact with my parents in any way-- it's so freeing and relaxing, and i feel much more able to be in my happy place so to speak. so now i'm starting to think i'll need to send that no-contact letter to my parents sooner rather than later, which sucks but feels very necessary for me at this point. :/

What can we do to support you with any of this?

And happy new year to you, too!

hey Heather! thanks

basically, I'd like to figure out: 1. ways that I can keep from blaming myself for the inevitable backlash that will occur after sending this message and 2. how to make sure this won't interfere with my financial aid refund that will be deposited into my account in mid-January (though I'm gonna call student financial services (SFS) tomorrow when they're open to see if they could speed up the process in any way)

UPDATE: I finally was able to separate my bank account from my parents today since I got my financial aid refund earlier than expected, and I sent them a fairly brief no-contact-for-a-while email letter. it was really nerve-wracking and anxiety-inducing for me to send it, but i know future-me will thank me for it.

UPDATE: so, today marks exactly one month since I went no-contact with my parents, and.... it feels really great. I only have "talked" with them once or twice and that was to reply to a text regarding a logistical issue related to my graduation. otherwise, there's been zero communication between us and it feels super freeing and necessary, and it's also made it a lot easier for me to focus on myself and care for myself and overall like myself instead of trying to please them (which I learned is impossible).

I just want to thank y'all so much for helping me do this and to get to this point-- I really appreciate it so much.

I'm so glad to hear that it's been a positive experience for you. Yay!

Thanks for that update, and you're so very welcome! I'm so glad you've been able to do what's right for you and that you've been feeling so much better