I have just a few questions

[Heather]

It is, and many, if not most, public and private schools in the U.S. require them for students to attend, including requiring immunizations that also have to be given or renewed annually or every couple of years.

I have some things to suggest at this point I think are solid, but before I do that, can you just give me one more clue to work with? You say your parents are religious: can you tell me what religion we're talking about here? And does it involve going to any kind of service or religious community?

[wishcoulddelete]

Well, I had to have check-ups in 7th and 9th grade, if that's what you mean.

We're talking about Christianity. No, my parents are pretty calm Christians (we don't even attend church) aside from morality.

[Heather]

Okay. Give me a few to gather my thoughts and I'll be back. Since you're probably in school anyway, it likely isn't so sound for you to be camped out here all day anyway!

[wishcoulddelete]

Alrighty. Eh, I'm pretty fast with homework, so I spend a good chunk of my life online. And I got out of school an hour ago (I live on the east coast).

[Heather]

Hopefully this won't get more rambly than you can bear, and I'll try and keep things succinct. You're welcome to dig in more with any parts of this you want if you want to talk about them or want me to say more about them.

1) It's important for your personal development for you to have age-appropriate parenting. I want to toss you a couple links to look at to get a sense of what that can mean and involve:
• http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopm ... cence.html
• https://www.healthychildren.org/English ... rents.aspx
• http://www.pamf.org/parenting-teens/hea ... .html#Tips for Parents
• http://lifehacker.com/how-to-give-your- ... 1638140713

I just feel like it's important for you to get some perspective on what healthy, developmentally appropriate parenting of someone your age can look like, because it sounds like it isn't happening in some big ways. Having a sense of what is appropriate and sound, and widely understood to be healthy is something I think might help you start to advocate for yourself better, and also at least know in your own mind when your parents aren't really doing this, so that you don't basically just get on board with what isn't healthy that they are rationalizing.

2) I would suggest you start taking some of the steps you can to gain -- or at least seek -- more autonomy and independence. It's very hard to have a sense of ourselves, and to not just kind of think or feel what others tell us we should -- even if those things are doing us harm in any way, or aren't what we think or feel -- without at least TRYING to basically stand up for yourself as your own person, and a person who is entitled to be treated as someone at the developmental level of life that they're at. One example is something I brought up: telling a toddler they can't bake because ovens are hot and dangerous is one thing: telling a teen that isn't at all age-appropriate.

So, I'd encourage you to see if you can't start asking for some things that are sound and appropriate like:
• Having the freedom to go some places on your own or with friends, like the library (as you brought up that's not allowed), to their houses, to the park, hanging out afterschool, or to something like a volunteering job of some kind. You can say you would like to do any of that, then ask for their permission. If they refuse, you can next ask what you can do to set a foundation for that changing soon. In other words, try to negotiate by asking what they need from you to give you -- and I would put it this way -- the ability to do things that are age-appropriate for you, and that most other people your age are supported by their parents in doing.

• I'd do the same with other things, like -- assuming you have any interest in this -- baking, like you brought up as something you are restricted from. If there are other kinds of basic life-skills things like that, I'd go for those as well. And just like with the above, if they refuse, I'd take the next step of asking to negotiate.

• If, with any of this, they just still refuse or won't even have discussions with you, I'd leave it for now, but keep bringing it back up. Like, if you ask about going to the library alone, and they say no and won't discuss it, next month, you try again, and you keep trying. Even if these things don't net in you being given permission, I feel like you can benefit just from trying to advocate for yourself and trying to get room to be your own person who is growing into an adult. I think that it will help you to start to get and better develop a sense of your self that's more separate from them, and thus, also more resilient to things like sexual shaming.

3) Make the most of your time away from home at school. In other words, while you're NOT at home, be sure you're really doing all you can to utilize the freedoms you're given at school. Get offline more, for crying out loud. It's easy to stay sheltered if your primary environments are a family that shelters you and online. Get more real life into your life, as much as you can. I think it can help with your self-esteem, and again, help you with resilience: it seems like something you struggle with a lot are what others think, and it's easier for that to hit us harder when we're not doing all we can to just live our lives fully and enjoy and explore them as much as we can, if you follow me.

4) Do what you can to reach out more so you can have a larger social circle and a better support circle, where people have a range of beliefs and opinions. For instance, maybe you need to try reaching out to your siblings more for support, to make some new friends who are very different than you, and to look into what kinds of helping resources are within reach to you that might benefit you: things like local community centers, teen centers, a school nurse (since it seems like you don't have a healthcare provider you see often), or even to ask your school to give you a list of what resources they have for teens who want counseling (if they don't have a school counselor, they should have a list like that).

5) Start a journal where you are exploring what YOU feel, think and believe, and what YOU want for your life. In other words, I feel like more focus on who you are, as your own person, and what you want, could help you out. Just the practice of doing that usually helps us clarify all that for ourselves, and strengthen our resolve to go for who we want to be and what we want our lives to be like. Obviously, you can't magic all of that all at once, but just starting on that process should be helpful and start you on a route to some positive changes, including feeling better about yourself and common, healthy parts of life, like sexuality.

I do want to say one last thing in this post, which is that I have this niggling feeling I am missing something big in your family or with you that might be part of all of this. A developmental disability, abuse or mental illness in your immediate or extended family, I don't know -- and those are just a couple options off the top of my head -- but I feel like SOMETHING is missing here. Maybe it's not, and if something big is missing because you don't want to tell me about it, that's okay, you don't have to. But I do just want to leave the door open to say that if there is something major you think of later, or that you don't want to share now but do later, I can certainly revise any of this and we can keep talking, regardless. I just wanted to put that out there because in the event anything I have suggested strikes you as earnestly unsafe for you in any way I might be missing, please go with what you know is safe and sound for you. You're more the expert of you and your life than someone like myself can ever be.

[wishcoulddelete]

Ah, it's no worries, I don't mind reading too much
Thank you so much for all this help, I can't thank you enough for all the help you've been giving me.

[Heather]

No need: I'm more than happy to do it. Please feel free to ask for more help or support you need that we can supply. This is what we're here for.

[wishcoulddelete]

As far as I'm aware, there's no abuse in my family, and no kind of disabilities, mental or not, and I can't think of anything big in my family I haven't told you about. That is, unless my parents being nearly constantly screaming at eachother and accusing eachother or stuff is considered a big thing.
Also, I'm so sorry to say this, but I don't quite understand how to do any of that stuff, even the journaling.

[wishcoulddelete]

Also, I have to be honest, reading those articles kinda... Upset me. Not your fault in any way, of course, just me and my petty jealousy.

[Heather]

I understand. I know for myself, living with abuse and dysfunction in my family, that hanging out at friend's houses whose parents were parenting better was always nice in some ways, but also a bummer, because I wanted that for myself, too.

Do know, though, that articles like those aren't usually showing things most parents are doing: if only. Are many? Yep. But nowhere near enough. Those articles exist to advise parents *because* all too many don't do those things. So, before you get too downhearted, I swear, it's not only you living without in those departments.

But I do also think some steps to stand up for yourself might help. BUT.

What you have added here does sound like a home that is abusive and controlling in some ways: some of the ways you're being parented, constant verbal abuse (AKA, yelling and screaming, assuming you don't mean out of great enthusiasm and joy), constant accusations, these are all some forms of abuse and control. So, I also think it sounds like you do need to think of your safety with what I advised: if you know or suspect that asking for things for yourself could result in harm to you, then I'd suggest leaving that be for now and just doing what you need to to get through your teens so you can get out of an unsafe or unstable environment in time and intact, okay?

Per the journaling, you've said you have a mobile phone, right? And that that feels like it's private for you? If so, if you want to tel me what platform your phone uses (iOS, Android, etc.) I can toss some apps at you for that.

[wishcoulddelete]

My parents only shout at eachother (their relationship isn't exactly holding tight but they're determined to stay together, for whatever reason), they don't aim any shouts at me. I'm perfectly safe. If they ever did abuse me, I would go somewhere where I know I'm safe. My neighbors would definitely be willing to help me out (especially since one's a cop).

I know where to journal, I just don't really know what to journal or how to journal it, if you can make sense of what I'm saying.

[Heather]

Good to hear. I'm also glad to hear that you feel able to do things for yourself to keep *yourself* safe like that.

I get you with the journal. I need to head off to some other work for the org I need to get done today, and tomorrow is the day I'm off doing outreach, but give me a couple days: I'll come up with some journaling prompts with you in mind.

[wishcoulddelete]

Alrighty, I'm in no rush. And I've already taken far too much of your time, especially more than I deserve.

[Heather]

I'm pretty sure that if the time you've used is what you've needed, it's probably exactly what you deserve. We all deserve to be heard and given support.

[wishcoulddelete]

Your kindness knows no bounds, Heather.

[Heather]

Oh, it has bounds, I assure you. But I do try and keep it at a doable maximum.

[wishcoulddelete]

Thank you so much for your constant kindness and generosity. I'll leave you be now.

[Heather]

Cheers for waiting on me.

So, some prompts -- AKA, some ideas or themes to bounce off of and journal about -- I'd suggest to start with based on some of the things you've been struggling with are:
• How do I feel about pleasure? What are my own ethics and beliefs about it, not someone else's?
• What do I like about living with and in my own body?
• What do I feel is inherently good about my own body?
• When I feel disgusted with my body or my sexuality, what would an advocate for both of them say in response? (For example, they might say something like, "There's nothing disgusting about just being human," or "Sexuality is one of the ways we can connect with ourselves and other people: how is that gross?")
• What's my bucket list of ways I want to explore and experience pleasure in my life?
• If I was a diplomat, working to make peace between myself and my sexuality, what would I say?
• What are some of my own beliefs and ethics about life and the world in general?
• If I could live my life exactly how I wanted to right now -- including things like freedoms and responsibilities -- what would that look like? What's my right-now ideal life?
• How do I feel like my family, and how do I feel different?

Those are just some starts, and they may be things you write about more than once, but hopefully, some of those feel inspiring to you.

[wishcoulddelete]

You barely even had me wait, it's no worry.

Thanks so much for all the prompts. When I have time I'll try one of them out and tell you how I feel about it.

[Heather]

If you'd like, sure. They're for you, though, so you certainly are in no way obligated to tell me or anyone else about what you write unless that's something you want to do.

[wishcoulddelete]

That's fair. I apologize for assuming. Although I meant moreso by what I said that I'd tell you how I feel about writting, if what I'm saying makes any sense.

[Heather]

It does. Just wanted to make sure you didn't feel any obligation to share here.

[wishcoulddelete]

I know, I know Thank you for being so kind.

[wishcoulddelete]

I'll try the "If I could live my life exactly how I wanted to right now -- including things like freedoms and responsibilities -- what would that look like? What's my right-now ideal life?" one. The others seem a bit too pleasure-oriented for me, seeing as I'm not too well versed in any sort of pleasure.

Ech, I haven't even written anything and I'm stuck.

[Heather]

Often with journaling, a good way to get started is to just start writing down anything that pops up in your head. It's not about making something that's meant to be some kind of polished finished project, after all, like a school paper, but rather, something where it's about the process itself.

So, when you journal, just try and go, even if what you're writing down at first doesn't appear to make any sense, or be anything that feels important. Some people also find that making set and limited times to journal helps, like that the fifteen minutes before bed, for example, is when you'll journal, and then you just write for that time -- again, whatever comes up -- and then be done unless you really are on a roll and want to keep going. Just a kind of ritual or habit of doing it can help, and that can take time.

None of this is a rush.