Scarleteen

Seconding what Iwanthelp said about it not being too late to report. She also made some very good points about all of his behaviour being part of the pattern of abuse: abusers are generally not horrible all the time, and manipulating your feelings is very, very common, which is why so many people who experience abuse feel conflicted and confused and guilty.

I checked out those websites. Hearing other peoples stories are so relieving to me. I don't know if its knowing that I'm literally not alone or if I'm learning about the different types of abuse while reading. Either way its very helpful to me, so thank you for sharing that article with me as well as the PDF book.

Reporting seems so far out of my mind at the moment, and I'm not sure when I'll be ready to. You say he's been grooming me for a while now, but I just don't see it. I can't picture him doing it on purpose. He still seems to care in ways, but I don't know if I'm just denying the reality. All that he has done to mess with my head doesn't seem like something he would actually do on purpose.

It can be an incredibly powerful and helpful feeling to know that you're not alone, and I'm so glad the links that Iwanthelp posted were useful for you.

Per coming to terms with your cousin's grooming you, it can take a while - and be difficult - to accept that someone who is family, who you care about and who seems to care about you, can be intentionally hurting you. It's also often hard to see that a person is abusive or unsafe when you know them well and are interacting with them all the time. The really tricky thing about abuse is that people who abuse others can act very caring and nice; if they were horrible all the time it would be easier to spot them right away and either stay away from the start or get away from them much sooner.

(I also just wanted to mention that the reason we keep bringing up reporting is that we want you to be safe and happy, and reporting is the way to start to make that happen. But it also needs to be something that you feel okay with, so we aren't trying to pressure you: we just want to make sure that we're helping you to be safe.)

What is considered grooming?

And yeah I know what you mean.

Grooming basically means anything that someone does to try and lower your defences and make you trust them, while at the same time doing things that aren't acceptable until you're used to them. (One example would be your cousin starting off just by touching your thighs and butt, and then starting to try to kiss you, and then progressing to assault.)

Does that make sense?

Oh alright. So he recently asked me why I don't want to have sex. I made it sure that I didn't by removing his hand and stuff and stopping him, but he just kept trying. I don't want to have sex with him because 1. Its wrong (situation) 2. I'm realizing that he's using me and 3. He's talking to Bre. I didn't say why I didn't I just let him know I heard him and purposely ignored and went quiet. However it did eventually lead to sex. I didn't want it to happen, but he just wouldn't stop so I figured if I just let him for a second it would be done. I said "okay, stop, no, we can't" and he either didn't hear me or ignored me. But when I said it again it stopped. I feel bad. I can't believe I let it happen. And that's all I have been thinking about.

You have absolutely no reason to feel bad: you did what you thought would make him go away as fast as possible, which is a way of protecting yourself. That's something that a LOT of people do in similar situations, and it's not anything to be ashamed of.

But why do people do it? I know its only gonna hurt me in the long run.

We can't speak for everyone, but one of the main reasons is that they want to survive the moment or make the moment end as soon as possible. Some people try to fight, others try to get away, and others freeze or try to go numb so it will be over quickly. That's not their fault. The fault is with the person putting them in that situation in the first place.

He's leaving for the weekend along with his sister. I see his messages with that girl. Why does it all bother me so much. How could this hurt me? Why am I letting it?

Emotions are so, so very complex and complicated, and they don't always make sense. Difficult situations especially can lead to a lot of conflicting feelings that don't seem logical, but that doesn't mean any of those feelings are wrong or that you're doing something wrong by having them. Emotions aren't something that can be controlled: we don't 'let' ourselves feel things, we have emotions whether we want them or not. The only thing you have any control over is how you act on what you're feeling.

Hi dalisabeth!

I've not been able to check in for the past few days but I'm so glad to see you've been in good hands with karyn and iwanthelp.

Why people abuse is a really difficult question. The easiest explanation that it is an unwillingness of people to do their own emotional work. Pushing aside other people's feelings to make themselves feel better is incredibly cruel and damaging to the people being abused. The person doing it at the same time, might not see, or want to see that. It doesn't actually help them or fix their problems, which is why it repeats again and again. The only real way to end the cycle is to stop the abuse. There isn't necessarily a clean or tidy way for it to end. But when it does, then everyone can start trying to understand what happened, face up to the shock, and the difficult feelings and begin healing.

That will happen for you I am really sure of it. You deserve that chance to heal.

I'm hoping we can find a way to work with you, which you are ok with, and which helps it happen as soon as possible.

Are you sure this is abuse? He said he loved me recently. Maybe he cares about me just a little bit. I can help him I think if I actually try. Then we can both heal. He's not so bad. I can help him heal and recover if he needs to, but I think maybe he actually cares for me. He was gone for the weekend and comes back wanting me. That means something right? Maybe its not as bad as it seems. Maybe its not what we thought.

Yes, we are positive what's happening is abuse. It's not uncommon for abusers to say they love you, or that you matter to them. For them, that's another tool that they can use to make you stay and continue to be under their control. Sometimes they might even mean it, but continue to hurt you anyway because they view their desires as more important than your boundaries or safety. And that is not love. Not really.

I know that can be incredibly hard to hear, especially given how much time he's spent grooming you to think this means he loves you. But at a certain point you have to look at someone's actions, rather than the words they say to you, and his actions are not those of someone who loves you. That's a hard thing to face, and I'm so sorry he's created a situation where you have to face it.

Too, someone else mentioned above, abusers are not healed by continuing to abuse people. They heal by first having any opportunity to abuse taken from them -- which means being separated from anyone they have been abusing -- then by getting help from people like counselors, people who are trained to help them work through what's going on in their minds.

If you want to help him, and also find a way to end the abuse, then he needs to be put in contact with services that will do that and he needs to commit to do that work, which often takes years. Since it does not sound like he's willing to do that himself, you might need to be the one to do it (we could also do it on your behalf if doing it yourself feels overwhelming). Is that something you're up for doing?

Hi dalisabeth,

I'm going to have to be real here, and talk about some steps we will need to take to get you as safe as we can.

It is really clear to us you are being abused and in danger constantly from your cousin. What you described has been and has continued to be a situation of ongoing sexual abuse and rape.

It's part of his abuse to make you doubt yourself, as you have been doing in your most recent post. Sam rightly says that 'love' is a tool of control when it's used by someone who is being abusive. But if you find yourself denying that the abuse is happening, this puts you in even more danger. Which is not what I, or any of us want.

We really take it as our responsibility to not stand by when something like this is happening.

You've said, you really do not want to report it.

However, reporting is the only thing we can do to make this abuse stop and get you safe - which is the single most important factor for us.

So from here, I have to make it clear that those of our staff who are trained social workers need to make a report to your local services of what has been happening so that we can help end the abuse.

We would really like to work together with you on this, if it is possible. The more everybody can work together, especially us with you, the better the outcome will be.

We will be transparent with you about the steps we'll be taking. And keep you in the loop as much as possible from our end.

I totally understand if this not what you want and if you are upset at us but please understand that if we care about your safety then we have no other choice.

However you find yourself feeling we'd really encourage you to reach out to anywhere you can get support, beit the helpline you have called before, or your counsellor, or continuing to write here.

Here are some helplines if you need them:

Teen Dating Violence 1-800-992-2600

Safeline Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault 1-800-522-7233

Oklahoma Department of Mental Health Crisis and Information Line ReachOut Helpline 1-800-522-9054

Youth Crisis and Runaway Hotline 
1-800-448-4663

Is there anything we can do besides this to make it easier?

If you have any other confidential information, like the contact details for your social worker which would be super helpful, or any of your personal contact details, Sam is the one to email. Her address is sam@scarleteen.com.

Hi dalisabeth,

Because we want you to be as honest with you as we can about what's going on, I wanted to let you know I will be calling in a report today. If I can, I will let you know what's going to happen next after I call, as sometimes being unsure of what's coming is the scariest part.

I want to make it clear that we're not doing this to bring you harm or hurt you (or even to hurt him). We're doing it because, as Jacob said above, it's the choice we feel is best for your overall safety. To give you a sense of just how seriously we take and consider this decision, in approximately twenty years of being around this is only the third time we've made a call like this. We don't take this decision lightly, and if there were an alternative option that would keep you safe we would have gone with that. We're all rooting for you here, and if you want us to continue supporting you through whatever comes next, we are more than happy to do that. We're here to help you in whatever capacity we can.

Stop. I'll report it to my counselor today

I'll tell her everything.

Please I need to do this on my own

I'll do it right now please just let me

I want to talk to people I trust about it. If you don't mind.

And I'll update you guys on everything, but please let me do it

Please my counseling is today at 10am.

Guys someone answer.

I want it to be over, but my way with people I trust. I want to talk to my counselor please. Don't do it on your own. I want to. I want to report everything not just what I told you, but to someone I can trust