sexuality stress

[Sam W]

The previous therapist wasn't technically wrong in that plenty of survivors do find themselves either very much withdrawing from sex or maybe engaging in it more frequently than they did prior to the abuse. But plenty is not the same as all, because some survivors won't fit neatly into that pattern. Too, it's not always accurate to say that those new interactions with sex and sexuality can only be connected to the abuse and not have other causes. In your case, the abuse may indeed be playing a role, but that shouldn't discourage you from further examination of your identity and how you feel in terms of your orientation. Hopefully this new therapist will offer a space where you can discuss all of the factors that are at play here.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks. Hopefully she can. Hopefully I won't withdraw or with hold information from her.

I think the abuse plays in a role of me identifying as asexual, but its the fascinations that I think may be separate from abuse causing. It is confusing.

[Sam W]

It certainly can be confusing, and hopefully you're one step closer to making it less so. If you find you have a habit of withholding information in these circumstances, I think that's an okay thing to give her a heads-up about. It gives her a little bit more information about how you cope in these situations.

[Science_Geek]

I told her I have trouble talking. I think I may cancel the appointments.

[Alice O]

Hey Science_Geek,

You said in your last thread here on Scarleteen, "I do better when I am in therapy" and "I know I need therapy, as I know mentally I do better when I have that non judgmental person to talk to weekly." It sounds like you know therapy can be play a really beneficial, potentially *crucial*, role in your life. Because of this, I would encourage you to stick it out with this therapist, and show up for your next appointments. (Often when we least want to go, is when we can benefit from it the most.)

You have been comparing this experience with therapy to your past ones, which makes a lot of sense. You said you are “just waiting for her to turn out like all the other ones I have tried here.” And it’s true, maybe she will! And that is scary and would be an added disappointment. But it is also possible that she won’t turn out like the other therapists you have tried in this area, and will instead be a helpful, compassionate person in your life. We don’t know yet! Only time will tell.

You said that she “didn’t seem judgmental and was nice” and also that you liked how “she said she wouldn't push me and seemed to understand what I have been through.” These things are not nothing. They are really important. And you’re right, it’s possible in the first session she seems non-judgmental and you find out in the fifth session she is judgmental in ways that you are not ok with and will not work for you. But again, it’s also possible you will not disappointed by her in this way, and will instead be affirmed.

That being said, as you two get to know each other better, undoubtedly things won’t all be smooth-sailing. In some ways it’s a relationship like any other. And so, if/when this therapist says something that you don’t like, I would encourage you to voice it to her! I have seen some different therapists over the course of the last 10 years, and ultimately got comfortable enough in that space to tell them when they had said something that upset me, offended me, or just seemed incorrect to me. In almost all cases, this has actually brought us closer and helped us to work better together.

Have you done this with a therapist? Specifically one that you have generally worked well with. And if so, what was that experience like?

That being said, of course, if she says something that makes you feel un-safe and does not seem repairable (as I know has unfortunately happened to you with some past therapists), than that is a different matter. I know you will use your judgement to discern between these two things.

Finally, Sam suggested sharing with your therapist that you sometimes withhold information. I think sharing that, as well as sharing that you are worried you will cancel future appointments, would both be really helpful. I’m thinking about how in the past doing something in writing as been helpful to you (sending your first Scarleteen post to therapists, coming out to someone via email). Would writing be helpful in this instance? Then you could pass her a note that says something like, “I am worried I will sometimes withhold information or cancel future appointments, and I wanted to share that. It felt easier to do this in writing.” What do you think?

[Science_Geek]

Sorry. I was panicking and in the middle of a breakdown when I responded before. I'm just not seeing the point of getting better right now anymore.

No, I have not told this therapist I withhold information, and have never done it with any therapist as they are usually the ones I withhold info from.

I probably could write it down, but I think my anxiety and other mental health issues are getting the best of me.

[Sam W]

That's a pretty common (and frustrating) part of being in the middle of a tough mental health place (I've been there and it sucked in a big way). It is, however, an indicator that you're heading in the right direction by seeking out help, because it's signalling to you that there are some things you're dealing with right now that you could use a hand in addressing.

Something you could use this space for is trying out ways to introduce the withholding with your therapist, or do what you've done before and use something from earlier on in your posts here to explain it to her.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks. Its just too much is going on right now. Not all of it is trauma related so not sure she will want to hear about it.

I want to cancel and I want to text her telling her I want to cancel, but I also know the 2 hour break away from some people at work will be good. I know the session tomorrow, as far as I am aware, is suppose to be about history, not just abuse but family, etc...so I guess if the opportunity arises I could say it then.

I have also been thinking a lot about my sexual orientation and all of that and I think part of it even started before I remembered the abuse. Maybe.

[Sam W]

It seems like right now is the time to listen to the part of gut that says that two-hour break would be good, especially if that's the justification that helps you get to the appointment. And yes, it may be that in going over your history with her she asks about previous experiences with mental healthcare services, which gives you a chance to bring that issue up.

It's great that you've been doing some more reflecting! Hopefully some of what you're realizing will help you tune out people who are dismissing your identity.

[Science_Geek]

I don't know if I will tell her all that has happened this weekend. She forgot to tell me that todays appointment was cancelled.

Thanks. I google my new thoughts and get more confused so who knows.

Oh well

[Sam W]

oh gracious, that's always frustrating. Have you been able to reschedule?

If you're comfortable sharing it here, what was confusing about the new things you researched?

[Science_Geek]

Yes we did for later this week.

I feel like I have been attracted (not sexually) to gay guys and girls. But when I looked to see if that was possible (Very naïve on this, and sorry if it offends), some website said sometimes the attraction to gay guys by females is because its less threatening, and females because they want to be like them. Which reading that, it makes me doubt what I finally came to the conclusion to.

[Mo]

Honestly, I don't think it's ever possible for someone to make an authoritative statement like that, about why other people (especially huge groups of people!) feel attraction a certain way.

Someone might come to that understanding about themself and say "aha, I see - I as a woman feel that gay men are a "safe" target for my affection because I know my feelings won't ever be returned; I can indulge in these feelings without worrying about things progressing and enjoy my attraction on a theoretical and not practical level."

That's fine! And I can imagine that there would be women who would feel this way. But I think it's simply untrue and illogical for anyone to claim that they just know that any women who feel attraction to gay men do so for that reason. There are plenty of other reasons I can think of! So, if you don't feel like your attraction is related to issues of safety/nonthreateningness, or to wanting to be like men you're attracted to, that in no way means your feelings aren't real - no matter what other websites or self-proclaimed "experts" may say.

In fact, the best authority on your feelings, and who you're attracted to, is going to be you. I realize that you may not always understand your feelings or be sure of what sort of attraction you're feeling, but you are likely to be the most sure of anyone. If you see something that says "people are only attracted to x people for y reason" and that doesn't fit your experience, I think it's safe to say that the error is with whoever's making that generalization, not with your own self-perception.

[Science_Geek]

Sorry but I am confused by what you wrote. Sorry to keep coming here. I guess I shouldn't anymore.

I didn't mean I wanted to be like men, the article I read that females that are attracted to females may just want to be like them vs attraction. (I guess it would be the same for males, I don't know). I am sorry if I offended someone.

[Mo]

Sorry to be confusing in my answer! I wasn't assuming anything about your own feelings or reasons for feeling attraction, and I made a mistake and misread part of your post before.
I was just trying to say that I don't think it's necessarily sound for anyone to say, in an article, that there's one reason anyone feels attraction to other people. Does that make sense? I have known people who say "I don't know if I want to date them or be them" about people they're attracted to but I wouldn't ever make a generalization that everyone has that same feeling.

[Science_Geek]

Yes it makes sense. Thanks