Boyfriend and abandonment issues

[larajeancovey23]

But I am proud of myself that I haven't sent a load of are you okay messages..just sorry and we need to talk

[Amanda F]

My focus is always gonna be on whatever goes wrong in life...

Hey larajeancovey23,

I want to echo what Sam said - it sounds like you're emotionally worn out from trying to work out relationships. Although I know you said you were happier when with someone else, I wonder how long you've taken to be single recently. I ask because I've also felt really depressed and unhappy after I got out of a relationship, but once I took a while to get over the worst part of it, I actually realized that I WAS happier because the relationship was such an emotional drain. That took a little time, though - maybe a couple of months. And it was uncomfortable to get through it, but in the end I was able to find things about myself and my life that I really enjoyed that didn't require someone else. I think the same thing could happen for you, if you're willing to try.

Sometimes it can be helpful to think of our emotions as actual energy. You only have so much emotional energy to give to various things in your life, including yourself and your own well-being. If you spend too much putting it out into the world, into other people, into relationships...you end up with nothing left for yourself, and that can actually be the cause of feeling down and depressed. So you have a lot to GAIN by putting emotional energy into you, rather than trying to GIVE so much of yourself away to this other thing. Does that make sense?

I'm sorry if I missed this, but how long has it been? Do you think you could challenge yourself, in an encouraging way, to focus on other things for some set period of time, like two or three months? And in that time, could you focus on doing things that you know you enjoy AND maybe looking for some new things that makes you happy?

[larajeancovey23]

It's been almost 5 years since my ex boyfriend..and I started back dating around mid 2018 and since then everything has been unsuccessful..because they leave regardless of my emotional investment. I think I've mentioned it before but I could be having a casual convo with someone and never hear back and there was nothing wrong..so all of this is a disappointment and I have learned to be alone and content but I don't think I've been "happy" more so content.

[larajeancovey23]

It takes me years to even get over anything I think..anything that I've been very deeply emotional towards. And I know things don't have a timeline in life..but I used to want to get married at 25 but that's slowly starting to fade away also trust..feels harder and harder to trust anyone when I'm always being vulnerable I think..

[larajeancovey23]

It takes me years to even get over anything I think..anything that I've been very deeply emotional towards. And I know things don't have a timeline in life..but I used to want to get married at 25 but that's slowly starting to fade away also trust..feels harder and harder to trust anyone when I'm always being vulnerable I think..

[larajeancovey23]

I try my best to focus on what I need to do throughout the day..but in the back of my mind is my bf..my ex bf and everyone else in between. I've done that in between just dates..trying to find stuff to make me happy..and I got tired of "forcing" my way into being "happy" that took a lot out of me too..because I would keep thinking why am I not "happy" enough..I just accepted it as contentment

[larajeancovey23]

I also have a fear of being happy as well..because I'm afraid the happier I feel the worse I'm gonna feel when something or if something happens and I wish I could just feel it without always fearing my happiness somewhat being taken away

[Gone.Sorry.]

How often do you talk about these feelings (unable to maintain happiness, being afraid of being happy, connecting your happiness to being involved with another person, feeling suicidal when feelings of abandonment come up, inability to deal with disappointment, difficulty with change, lack of focus with hobbies/passions, etc.) with your therapist? What sort of coping mechanisms have they offered you? Do you feel as though those methods are helpful to you? Have you been practicing and employing these methods?

[Amanda F]

Since you mention that this comes up a lot - that people seem to back away, regardless of your emotional investment - I want to invite you to gently take a look at your behaviors in these relationships and interactions, as well as the behaviors of people you've had them with. Could there be something that is causing people to take a step back? Are you choosing partners that meet YOUR needs in a relationship, or do they display some patterns that don't work for you?

There's a great Quickie article here about healthy relationships. Can you take a look and let me know how you feel previous interactions have gone with respect to these different areas? https://www.scarleteen.com/article/disa ... ationships

And I second horriblegoose - how much have have you discussed those issues with your therapist, what kinds of solutions have you found together, and have you been practicing using them?

[larajeancovey23]

...It isn't me. Guys either act really nice up to the point where I trust them for sex and then leave or they literally will just stop talking..from a hi how are you to good; to nothing. Or the guys I really really have liked (three) I know I get emotional and I have major anxiety from all the added up experiences..and I apologized to my boyfriend for texting so much if he didn't text back for a day, but he'd be so understanding of it and he'd explain to me what happened; but this time..idk what's wrong. He's usually understanding and patient with me..I could send 30 text messages and he would be fine with it..because he understood why I did that..but I don't know what's wrong now..I don't know if it's stress or if he's just been lying to me about how he felt the whole time or if I freaked him out when I got upset..

[larajeancovey23]

and my ex..I did nothing to him to make him act the way he did..and the other guy I really liked before my boyfriend..yeah, he was just nice to me to have sex and all of a sudden when we started talking he said he was "busy".
The same with another guy..and the other two or three guys just completely stopped talking when I didn't do anything..besides carry on a normal conversation with no anxiety at all attached

[larajeancovey23]

I'm convinced there are no solutions..so I just live my life. Because I've tried everything..or just about. I've always been scared to be too happy..cause I'm scared (like situations like these) aren't going to last..I could be getting married and still be scared that he might change his mind the next day...I'm just tired of trying to "fix" myself just to be loved..and everyone else in a healthy relationship cannot all be "healthy and confident" but they are still loved...for their flaws. And I guess mine are just too much to deal with...so I have to "fix" what's wrong with me when all I've been doing is being vulnerable and being myself when I'm hurt..

[larajeancovey23]

And it's not the disappointment...it's meeting the same people in different bodies and sharing secrets with some people who were your best friends..and all of a sudden they disappear..and you have no one to share anything with. I'm convinced this situation will not be okay...I want it to be but..I don't know. There's so many things wrong with me apparently. I'm just hell to deal with I guess

[larajeancovey23]

no I don't know what a healthy relationship is because either everyone is fake towards me..or I guess right now something happened..I might have got upset at him but I apologized...and I've done my best in apologizing so much..or I get beaten down (my ex) I'm sure not everyone is "perfectly healthy"...I'm aware that everyone has a past and things that bother them and maybe mine is just a lot...I just don't think everyone in a healthy relationship is perfect..or maybe I'm just not "good enough." I completely just blame myself for this..I don't know what I did..I know I get clingy and attached but I guess I didn't know it was the worse thing in the world to be.

[larajeancovey23]

I also don't..even like dating like that. I like being with someone..but I don't go out "dating" as if it's my life's mission..I just meet these guys..either at work or walking around or anywhere really....I can be alone, I just don't enjoy it as much and I don't know...what's wrong with that...

[larajeancovey23]

the last dates I went on before my boyfriend...weren't great but they all ghosted me..mid convo..a normal conversation..I didn't text 30 times, I didn't have a panic attack, I was just carrying a normal conversation and in person I was fine. I didn't do anything out of the norm to make those people leave..they just left but yeah it hurts when it happens one after the other..

[larajeancovey23]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me..besides being a human with emotions like everyone else, but mine feel amplified...I feel like I fell 10 times more than the average person. Although I know that's probably not true..but that's what it feels like. I wish I could be one of those people who do not care about relationships and can just move on and "love themselves" regardless..no I don't love myself every day..but I don't "hate" myself. My boyfriend would often say he hates himself..and I would just say well I like you..and that's all that matters...he had problems too..but I didn't shut him out or leave him for them..even if he shut me out..I can't do that someone..there's no way I could make someone feel like they're my world and then just leave them out cold..

[larajeancovey23]

I feel like...a terrible person for feeling all these emotions..I wish I didn't have them. I feel suicidal when someone leaves because I'm tired of feeling the same feeling over and over and over..and feeling like I am impossible to be loved no matter what..

[Siân]

You've mentioned in two of your posts now a history of feeling suicidal. Is that something you're feeling now?

I ask because while it's not something we're equipped to deal with, it is really important you speak to someone if you're having suicidal thoughts. You can call lifeline on 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them online here.

Your feelings are your feelings, and they don't make you a bad person. Plenty of people struggle with mental illness, or issues from their past and whilst maintaining fulfilling, healthy relationships. From what you've been describing here though, it sounds like most of your experiences with dating and relationships have been making you feel worse, not better. Ask yourself why do you want to be in this relationship if it mostly just provokes your anxiety and makes you feel bad about yourself?

When dating, it's common to meet a lot of people who are perfectly nice, and things are okay but it's not GREAT. Sure nothing has gone super wrong but that doesn't make it right, and so perhaps we stop chatting to the person we were chatting to, or decide to leave a relationship that isn't making us happy. That's not a failure. To me, the most successful relationship aren't the ones that last forever, or end in marriage. They're the ones that make us happy while they last, and end when someone realises that they're no longer quite the right fit. It sounds like you're investing a lot of effort (and your self esteem) it trying to "make things work" or keep something going, when perhaps that's not the right thing for you - what do you think?

[larajeancovey23]

Because..it's not like him at all and I miss him. And it's getting tiring forming bonds and becoming best friends and then just..ending up alone and having to start over again...I feel used most of the time. No, but those people stay together..maybe mine are just too intense for anyone to deal with..so I feel like I should just bottle them back up and not mention them at all. I'm tired of losing..people that I enjoy in my life. It makes me not want to get close anymore. No because I still think of people in the past and I miss them( even my ex at times)..and I just don't want this to be another memory..that I have to live with and wonder about and think about "good times" or when I was "happier." Um..I think I'm just tired of reliving this over and over...idk what it takes for someone to just stay..no matter how upset I get or if I get angry or if I'm sad or when I'm happy..I just want someone to stay in my life..that's all..

[larajeancovey23]

I just want someone to stay no matter how difficult anything gets..and I thought he had the patience..but even the most patient run out of patience..I feel like i need to shut everything out now..even if he texts me back later..I can't even reply because of the pain I feel atm..

[larajeancovey23]

I already feel so distant and unwanted from him...I don't know what he could even do to make me have trust anymore. It's completely gone..it's only been 3 days but my trust is just destroyed

[Heather]

You know, honestly, three days without a response -- especially if the person on the other end is texting you as much as, say, you've been posting here (and certainly if we're talking about 30 or so one-way texts or more, which I believe you said is about what you've been sending) -- is not a long time. And it may well be that this person is taking that kind of silent space because they just don't know any other way to get you to stop, especially if they've asked before, but you're still engaging in this level of texting. If and when people won't respect boundaries we have tried to set, sometimes the only way to get them respected, unfortunately, is to just ignore that person.

I have a suggestion for something that I think might help you out a great deal: what do you think about trying to focus on EVERYTHING ELSE -- literally anything else -- besides this or other romantic/sexual relationships, from now until Monday. That's not even three full days. It's a pretty short period of time.

This isn't about bottling up, it's about seeing if you can't break the hyperfocus you have on this part of your life that is clearly not helping you out: I suspect that this seemingly nonstop focus is actually just as hurtful and harmful to you than what's actually happened in these relationships or interactions. Unlike other people's behaviour, this is also something you have control of, and that you can change so you can start to feel better.

What do you say? If you want some tips to help you with something like this -- like ways to redirect your thinking -- I'm happy to share some.

P.S. I do want to add that how much you are texting in *here*, and how much is in those texts, is also difficult for *us* to take in. It takes a little time to read someone's big stuff and then let it marinate enough to come back with good responses, and the frequency you're posting with doesn't give us that kind of time or space to really take it all in, hear you, let it move around in our brains, and then respond. It also often doesn't feel like you're taking that time with our responses, either, tbh. So, we'd really appreciate it if you could also just try and slow down here, no matter what you want to talk about, and at least give us the chance to respond to one of your posts before you post another 3-6 more, okay? It would make us able to do our jobs best, but I also think you'd feel more heard and have more of a chance to reflect on your feelings yourself if you slowed your pace. <3

[larajeancovey23]

I haven't been sending those anymore..I've only sent like five since and I know it's not that long, but I mean the amount of times in my past like twice I've seen this happen with two guys I was dating..I just automatically expect the worse. I get flashbacks of those moments..I literally remember calling and all the unanswered texts..and the feeling of crying in my car in the park..because I felt so terrible that someone I was best friends with all of a sudden left. Yeah..I've been going out and doing work..all that. Sure..I guess I'm open but right now I'm just living life..like normal just less working out. I think the only reason I texted so much the first time..was because it was such a shock and a reminder..I was just automatically taken back to every moment with all my "failed" relationships

[Heather]

Can you do me a favor and respond to the question I asked you? I'm not sure I understand if you have or not.

I have a suggestion for something that I think might help you out a great deal: what do you think about trying to focus on EVERYTHING ELSE -- literally anything else -- besides this or other romantic/sexual relationships, from now until Monday. That's not even three full days. It's a pretty short period of time.

This isn't about bottling up, it's about seeing if you can't break the hyperfocus you have on this part of your life that is clearly not helping you out: I suspect that this seemingly nonstop focus is actually just as hurtful and harmful to you than what's actually happened in these relationships or interactions. Unlike other people's behaviour, this is also something you have control of, and that you can change so you can start to feel better.

What do you say? If you want some tips to help you with something like this -- like ways to redirect your thinking -- I'm happy to share some.

You up for trying this?