Scarleteen

It's absolutely okay to use this space to process and vent. I think this sorrow and loneliness may also be a point in favor of at least calling the local LGBT center and asking if they know of ways to help you visit, or other resources in town you could utilize that would be sensitive to what you're going through. You deserve to feel accepted no matter what, and you deserve at least one or two truly safe places to work through your options and your feelings.

As an aside, remember that whether people attempt or complete a suicide has nothing to do with cowardice or bravery. It has to do with lots of factors, including things like what their thoughts (or their communities) were telling them, and what resources they could (or felt they could) reach out to. So, if you do start noticing thoughts of harming yourself, reaching out to a resource like a helpline is your next step (mental health is something beyond the scope of what we're equipped to deal with at Scarleteen): https://www.imalive.org/.

Can I ask, in the conversation with your sister where you had this realization, were you the one leading the conversation? Or was she also suggesting things she thought could be the source of your discomfort with your gender?

Too, would it help to have some non-judgmental tools to help you work through your wants and needs when it comes to your gender? I can think of at least one workbook that might be really helpful, so if that's something you're open to trying let me know and I can link the online version of it here.

I just want to add to this point real quick:

Sam W wrote:It's absolutely okay to use this space to process and vent. I think this sorrow and loneliness may also be a point in favor of at least calling the local LGBT center and asking if they know of ways to help you visit, or other resources in town you could utilize that would be sensitive to what you're going through. You deserve to feel accepted no matter what, and you deserve at least one or two truly safe places to work through your options and your feelings.

I know a lot of the times questioning and doubting folk find it really hard to believe they belong and deserve help and resources and support (I was the same way), so I want to make it absolutely clear: you do not have to 100% know for sure how you identify to call your local LGBT center and visit with them/utilize other LGBT resources. The Q for Questioning is an extremely important and valued part of our community, no matter how you end up identifying. <3

Otherwise I second everything Sam W has said, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, CaptainWildRose. <3

Sam W wrote:It's absolutely okay to use this space to process and vent. I think this sorrow and loneliness may also be a point in favor of at least calling the local LGBT center and asking if they know of ways to help you visit, or other resources in town you could utilize that would be sensitive to what you're going through. You deserve to feel accepted no matter what, and you deserve at least one or two truly safe places to work through your options and your feelings.

As an aside, remember that whether people attempt or complete a suicide has nothing to do with cowardice or bravery. It has to do with lots of factors, including things like what their thoughts (or their communities) were telling them, and what resources they could (or felt they could) reach out to. So, if you do start noticing thoughts of harming yourself, reaching out to a resource like a helpline is your next step (mental health is something beyond the scope of what we're equipped to deal with at Scarleteen): https://www.imalive.org/.

Can I ask, in the conversation with your sister where you had this realization, were you the one leading the conversation? Or was she also suggesting things she thought could be the source of your discomfort with your gender?

Too, would it help to have some non-judgmental tools to help you work through your wants and needs when it comes to your gender? I can think of at least one workbook that might be really helpful, so if that's something you're open to trying let me know and I can link the online version of it here.

Thank you both, and, the conversation seemed to go back and forth, no one was leading really anything, we were talking about a lot of things but i vaguely remember she and i talked about if i lost weight i could try living as a male for some time before i make any life changing decisions.


And sure, we can try it.

Hey there.

Can I ask why weight loss came up again? Was that you that brought that up or her?

I know it's already been said, but for your sake and that of anyone else reading, I do just want to reiterate that people of every gender come in every size and shape. There is no one "right" size or shape for any given gender, only a huge array of diversity. There are tall and short trans women, thin and fat trans women, trans women with body hair and trans women without it, trans women with short hair and trans women with long, trans women with wide and slim hips, trans women with bellies or not, trans women who wear makeup and others who don't, trans women who wear trousers and trans women who wear skirts. (And of course all of that is true for all women and for people of every gender!)

There's no right way to look to be a given gender, I promise. <3

Heather wrote:Hey there.

Can I ask why weight loss came up again? Was that you that brought that up or her?

I know it's already been said, but for your sake and that of anyone else reading, I do just want to reiterate that people of every gender come in every size and shape. There is no one "right" size or shape for any given gender, only a huge array of diversity. There are tall and short trans men, thin and fat trans men, trans men with body hair and trans men without it, trans men with short hair and trans men with long, trans men with wide and slim hips, trans men with bellies or not, trans men who wear makeup and others who don't, trans men who wear trousers and trans men who wear skirts. There's no right way, I promise. <3

The weight loss was part of a long whole conversation we had over the span of two hours, and i know, there is however atleast in my case, i desired look I'm chasing.

Okay, I understand that.

I'm heading out for the day soon, but if you want to, I'd be happy to talk to you -- presently or later on if you feel differently, whichever you prefer -- about working to accept things like your body size when it comes to your gender. As someone pretty agender but who also has a body shape and size that makes misgendering NONSTOP for me, and who also has been in a pretty lifelong journey to accept my body despite it not looking like the common androgynous ideal (and not likely able TO look that way, no matter what I were to do), I do have some personal experience in that arena.

At the very least, I hope that you can find a way not to have working towards the gender expression you want hinge on weight loss, because that feels pretty precarious to me, especially since losing weight is something a lot of bodies just won't do (in healthy ways). I'd hate for you to feel like you can't go for more of the kind of gender expression you want unless you lose weight, or to make weight loss a criteria for that gender expression, if you get me.

But I also understand if, for now or period, what you want and need from us is just to accept that you want to try to lose weight and change your body size. We can do that, too.

Heather wrote:Okay, I understand that.

I'm heading out for the day soon, but if you want to, I'd be happy to talk to you -- presently or later on if you feel differently, whichever you prefer -- about working to accept things like your body size when it comes to your gender. As someone pretty agender but who also has a body shape and size that makes misgendering NONSTOP for me, and who also has been in a pretty lifelong journey to accept my body despite it not looking like the common androgynous ideal (and not likely able TO look that way, no matter what I were to do), I do have some personal experience in that arena.

At the very least, I hope that you can find a way not to have working towards the gender expression you want hinge on weight loss, because that feels pretty precarious to me, especially since losing weight is something a lot of bodies just won't do (in healthy ways). I'd hate for you to feel like you can't go for more of the kind of gender expression you want unless you lose weight, or to make weight loss a criteria for that gender expression, if you get me.

But I also understand if, for now or period, what you want and need from us is just to accept that you want to try to lose weight and change your body size. We can do that, too.

I'm not sure what i want anymore honestly, like i previously stated, i don't know where I'm going right now, i do wanna lose weight just to feel better about myself, but i don't know anything else, anything helps, just engaging with you people is helpful.

I'm so glad that talking with us here is helpful. And it's okay if you don't know exactly what to ask about or what to focus on in a conversation; you're dealing with a ton of tough stuff, and that can make it hard to figure out what parts of your experiences to address first.

Since you mentioned you'd be interested in trying some non-judgmental exercises to help you think about your gender, I want to give you this resource: https://timetothrivetherapy.com/wp-cont ... rkbook.pdf. The section on gender expression is particularly relevant to the conversation we've been having about appearance, but the whole book is packed with things you may find helpful.

Beyond that, there are lots of ways we could take this conversation. We could talk about gender and weight, as Heather offered, we could talk more about identity and finding resources, or we could talk about practical stuff like you being able to get out of the house more often. Do any of those jump out at you as things to talk about?