First hookup left me waaay confused

[allnewtothis]

Help! This is my first post like this ever. I don't know who else to tell because I'm too embarrassed right now to talk with my friends who kinda caused this.

Sorry, this is long & ramblie & prob TMA. tl;dr: My first hookup wasn't at all what I expected and I don't know how I feel about it now.

So I went to a party Friday to get laid. Simple as that. I'm a single 20yo girl and I've done never anything like this. My friends all have and I wanted to know what its like. Getting hooked up was silly simple. That part was fun I saw a cute guy and chatted with him a bit. Within minutes we were in a back room on the couch. It happened so fast. At the time I thought it was gonna to be soooo cool....

The guy was a total gentleman about it. Nothing went wrong or whatever but I didn't experience anything. It was like I was out of my own body. I didn't feel him penetrate me or cum or anything. I don't cum easily but I always get the sensation no matter what, but nothing this time. The only thing I remember was music and his weight on me. (I didn't drink anything and wasn't drugged, none of that. This was totally legit.) I just thought I'd be engaged in the experience. But when he was done I simply got up, straighted my skirt, sheepishly thanked him, and went back to the party as if nothing had happened. I even danced with him later that night. I thought I would have some kind of sly naughty thoughts or something dancing with my random dude. But nothing. I just had a decent time for the rest of the party and went home.

That's when I started to wunder why it was a total bust. I couldn't figure it out. I'd been with two guys in my life. I lost my V at 17 and dated the second guy for two years. I'm no inexperienced prude. But this hookup experience left me feeling ... deflated (?). I dunno, I can't describe it. I was expecting something exciting or memorable or whatever. The more I think about it, the more confused I feel. I don't feel bad. I just feet weird for not knowing how I feet. Does this make any sense? I let a total stranger rawdog me. I wanted that. I wanted to feel that rush my friends brag about it. But there was n o t h i n g. The feelings weren't bad or good or anything, just not there. Its like watching porn. I don't get it, its not real to me.

Honestly I wanted a bad girl feeling of conquest that I scored myself a guy on my terms and used him for my enjoyment -- yay, go me! But every time I looked at my belly over the weekend, all I could think about was his stuff swimming in me. That was the first time I let a guy finish in me. I really really hoping to get off on the moment he came but I didn't know it happened even. I always know with a condom.

I'm not on the pill so I was really careful about the timing. I wasn't planning on getting Plan B for this stoopid adventure -- that was part of the thrill -- but I felt way odd about random semen in me. (Am I like mental about this? All weekend I was obsessed wondering what they're doing in me!!! I kept starring at my crotch.) Finally I got it. The pill made me feel better because I pretended it made it all disappear. (Interesting my friends say it makes them sicky but I didn't notice anything.)

I don't know. am I disappointed or ashamed or what? Maybe I did this wrong? How do you feel about first hookups? It's *NOT* what my friends describe!!! What happened? I'm terrified to try this again but I don't want to miss out on what I was hoping for if its something simple to fix.

ps: Please don't bust on the guy. This is all on me.

(sorry for the long post)

[Sam W]

Hi allnewtothis,

There are a few things to unpack here, but I want to check really quick: unless you and he also discussed your STI status ahead of time, you'll want to get an STI test sometime in the near future, since this incident was unprotected (too, I do need to mention that the recommendation around COVID-19 is still to avoid sex with people you do not live with). Too, for the future, you may want to consider an alternate form of birth control other than, it sounds like, tracking your cycle for safe days.Can I ask why having him ejaculate inside you was such an important part of the experience?

From what you're describing, it sounds like you put a LOT of expectations on this instance of casual sex. When there's that much expectation, it's pretty hard for any given instance to live up to it, so it's not all that surprising you're feeling kind of deflated. I think it's worth asking yourself why you thought this instance would make you feel like a "bad girl" or why it would feel different than sex you had in the past.

Too, how people experience a given instance of casual sex can really vary; just because your friends had a good time in similar situations doesn't automatically mean those same situations would be arousing or enjoyable to you. That's not to say casual sex can't be fun, but that it often takes a little more work to make it so. We even have a whole article about it: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex

[allnewtothis]

Thanks for the quick response, Sam! I just read that whole article about casual sex. Wow, it's great how this site has so much info. I lucked out because it was a random search in despair last night. Some of those points were definitely talking about me! I didn't think to "research" hooking up before I did it. Ugh this sounds silly since I thought I understood sex.

I think you're right on about my expectations. I wanted that experience on my terms but in the end I don't know what I got out of it. It wasn't a spurr of the moment thing. It took me about two weeks to get the courage. (It's also so hard to find college parties these days.) Here was my thinking. My girlfriends are the ones who got me to believe hookups are such a rush. They're like so advanced and good at this. My guy friends (actual friends, nothing intimate) described hookups from their side too. What stuck in my mind is how they all said the same thing basically, when they release into a girl the "conquest" is complete. (I never thought about the STI angle. They say they almost never have to wear a condom because girls are cool with it. I thought this is normal for hookups.)

Anyway, I wanted the reverse experience. I wanted my hookup to think he was conquering me when it was actually my hunt. That's why I was so fixated on enjoying that moment when he ejaculated. I knew what was going through his head. I wanted to enjoy his orgasm and his ejaculation and his feeling of conquest. Does this make any sense? I never planned on having my own orgasm because my body takes a while. All this is why I was so disappointed because I totally missed *everything*. I was so out of body, I couldn't tell you if we had sex for 30 seconds or 30 minutes. I'm still perplexed. And I think this is what sent me over the edge last night to post. I went into this hookup with this grand scheme of fooling him into thinking he was in control when I actually was but in the end he was and I got almost none of the psychological thrill I was looking for. That's my deflated feeling. Mission: Not Accomplished.

Sorry it sounds like he's the bad guy here. Not at all. I liked him. No regrets about "chosing" him.

See, this is exactly what I'm trying to say about my mental state trying to be a "bad girl". It started soooo great. I chose the guy. Normally they're hitting on me and I'm in defense mode (obviously successful too). So I chose him knowing full well what would happen and how I was going to experience it mentally and physically. I mean I knew it was my first hookup but he didn't. I knew it was the first semen in me but he didn't. I knew theres a STI and pregnancy risk but it was part of the thrill ride. This was an insane rush *at the start* which does match my friends' descriptions. But then it was The Biggest Letdown from there.

Trying to explain myself here is really helping me make sense of it. I think this was my attempt at trying to manipulate the world the way guys can. I (thought I) knew how guys and girls enjoy hookups. I thought I could enjoy both sides at the same time secretly but ultimately I didn't enjoy either.

Damn it must be great to be a guy! Bust in a random girl and walk away with no baggage. I'm sure he already forgot about Friday night. Me, I've been a mental mess all weekend learning about semen LOL! My ray of sunsine today is the thought that it's been almost four days and he shouldn't be in me anymore.

Just to be cyrstal clear I don't regret this at all. I'm glad I had the courage to try it because this soooooooo not me. I was looking forward to surprising my friends with my great adventure story. Now ... I don't want anybody to know because it was a total fail.

Gawd why do I write so much? Everybody elses' questions and replys are tight. Maybe it's because I'm a psychology major and this experience psychof*cked with my head?

Thanks for your help

[Mo]

It's fine to write a lot here; some questions and situations are hard to sum up in only a few lines. We certainly don't mind!
It sounds like you had some pretty big assumptions in place around how this guy felt or would feel about the sex you were having, and about how you'd feel in response to his[\i] feelings or expectations. But without communicating with him about it (which it doesn't sound like you did, please correct me if I'm wrong!), I don't know that you could have a clear idea of how he was feeling about the situation at all. Maybe there was an element of "conquest" for him, maybe he just thought "sure, sex sounds fun" without anything deeper than that, maybe it was something else entirely. But in general I'd say taking action based on what you assume someone is thinking is often not going to get the results you want, since there's no way to know if your assumption is correct at all.

Just out of curiosity, were you feeling arousal or sexual desire for this guy before you decided to have sex? You talk a bit about your motivations and feelings, here, but arousal or desire don't come up at all. It could be that you were feeling it and just didn't mention it in your post, but I want to check in on that, too.

[allnewtothis]

Mo, you're probably right about my assumptions being way off, but it sort of didn't matter. I mean I didn't care how he felt because acting my fantasy out involved playing his role in my mind. I could do it any way I wanted. I aligned it with my friends' perspectives because I thought those were so hot. It's hard for me to admit (I hesitated to type this) but I kinda wanted to be them, all cool about it likes it's nuthin. Funny but it just dawned on me that I actually handled the experience remarkably well (other than checking out). I seriously doubt he thought was my first hookup. So I'm kinda ... surprisingly proud (?) of how I handled myself then. It's the next morning when I started to unravel.

Oh yeah, arousal, that played a monster role and I totally glossed over it at the top with "So I went to a party Friday to get laid. Simple as that." Sorry, I'm not much of a storyteller and I've never been on a forum like this. It's been about eight months since I broke up with my BF (nothing dramatic , we just moved on). That was my last sex (yikes!) and I was really looking forward to executing this fantasy. I took me weeks to go through with it. I knew the sex wouldn't be all that because it wasn't even easy with my BF. But really I figured I'd be petrified by the whole random guy rawdog angle. That anticipation blew my mind, like wow, just wow! Like I said in my second post, the first part of the hookup was *awesome*. I couldn't have scripted it better. In fact I'm smiling right now because I actually went through with it. I mean I was sure I'd end up chickening out 50 different times, that's always been me. You gotta understand for me that "bad girl" moment was pure gold. I couldnt' have been more excited and aroused then I was when I realized this was actually happening. Seriously, that part was everything I had hoped for. I think that's why I can't make sense of the rest because I don't feel like it happened. It really was a letdown because I was sooooo ready for it but missed the entire show. WTF?

Hey look, I answered short finally! Thanks y'all for this support. I feel better already.

[Sam W]

I'm glad writing here is helping! So, it sounds like the build-up and execution of your plan was actually what gave you the biggest rush, because you were, in a way, proud of yourself for doing something you thought you'd chicken out on. But, something that people often leave out of sexual discussions with friends (especially if they're trying to brag or create a certain image) is that some sex can be pretty dang mediocre or disappointing. That's especially true when there isn't a ton of connection or communication involved between partners (which can happen in both casual and more serious relationships). So, if you'd already built up an expectation in your head, and had a lot of arousal building from the set-up to this situation, it would have been really hard for the sex itself to live up to all that.

Speaking of connection, while it's true casual sex can involve people we only see once, it's still important during it that we see the other person as, well, a person. One with expectations and wants and feelings in the interaction. I say that not only because it can be pretty crummy to be on the receiving end of, but because sex tends to be more enjoyable for everyone if there's some level of connection involved. Without that bare minimum of connection, it can feel pretty "meh" pretty quick, you know?