Scarleteen

Hi Scarleteen staff!

I’ve been thinking about my ex. I don’t miss him or anything and I don’t love him or want him back. I’m in a new relationship and I’m happy. But i’ve been getting anxiety because i’m thinking about my ex. I mostly think about past memories and I feel super guilty. Or I get reminded of my ex. I don’t want this to ruin my relationship and I want to know how to let go of these memories. Thank you

Hi haikyufan123,

Depending on the memories and how they pop up, there are a few ways you might approach this. One is to know that it is totally normal to think about a past relationship or to be reminded of your ex (just like it's normal to be randomly reminded of other people we know or knew by things we encounter in life). You mention those memories make you feel guilty. Can you tell me a little more about why that is?

Too, to make sure I'm understanding correctly, are these memories or thoughts mostly just arising because you encounter something that reminds you of your ex? Or are you deliberately seeking them out?

These memories make me feel guilty because it makes me feel that I’m not over the relationship even though I don’t miss them or want them back. It makes me feel like I should be over it and it’s not okay. I usually get these memories because something happens and I get reminded of it. But i’m also seeking them out to find answers why am I still thinking about it.

You know, I don't think that moving on from a relationship is the same as forgetting it ever happened. You can be happy in your life and not want to return to a previous relationship whilst also appreciating what was nice about it. In fact, I *like* being able to look back at past relationships and smile at the good times without wanting to change anything about my life now. It shows that this person was important to you, and that having a relationship with them was a good decision for a little while, even though they are not who you want to be with now. Does that make sense?

If it's bothering you, you could try setting aside a bit of time to think about this past relationship - maybe by writing down all your favourite memories and also why you don't want to be with this person now - and try not to actively seek out those thoughts outside of that time. What do you think?

Thank you so much. I think that’s a good idea. I will try and do that!