Abortion

[Letmebe]

I live in Texas. I wanted to have an abortion earlier but they were banned as elective surgeries due to coronavirus so I had no choice but to just keep going. Now I’m 23 weeks and they are open again but now it’s too late for me because they don’t do them this late. There is no hope for me having a normal life. I know people will judge me for this post but I wish every day this hadn’t happened.

[Sam W]

Hi Letmebe,

I'm so sorry that the restrictions put in place (and in many ways used to further limit abortion access in places like Texas) have lead to you being in this situation. I want you to know you won't face any judgement from us here; we support a person's right to choose how they want to deal with a pregnancy, including choosing abortion.

We can take this conversation in whatever direction would be most helpful for you, but if abortion is still your first choice for how to deal with this pregnancy, have you looked into your options as far as accessing a "late term" abortion, including if you have the option to travel to get one based on the covid-19 measures in surrounding states? If not, is that something you'd like assistance with?

[Letmebe]

I want an abortion but I don’t know where to go or how far I’ll have to go and I don’t have a support person to drive after.

[al]

Hi Letmebe,

There are a few options if you're still looking to get that care, either in or outside of Texas. Fund Abortion Texas is a pretty great resource, that helps fund or arrange transportation to/from clinics, as well as provide folks to accompany you for support. Their website has some good info, but I think the first step would be a phone call to their hotline number, which is 1-844-900-8908.
How would you feel about giving the hotline a call? Does talking with a volunteer on the phone about your situation and answering a few questions sound doable?

[Letmebe]

Yes, it does. Thank you.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome! I hope the call goes well, and if there's anything else we can do to support you right now or in the future, just let us know.

[Letmebe]

Just a follow up. I have it scheduled for next week. They were very helpful and kind and very sensitive of my situation.
Thanks for all your help. I will update afterwards but I have to drive 10 hours and stay 4 days.

[Sam W]

Hi Letmebe,

I'm so, so glad you were able to get an appointment (even though it's one that requires some extra rigmarole to get to), and that the abortion fund was so helpful. If there's anything we can do to support you from a distance before or after the appointment, please let us know.

[Letmebe]

I’m just afraid but for the first time in a long time I can finally see a little light at the end of the tunnel.
I haven’t told anyone, it’s been so hard carrying such a burden all alone but no one here would ever agree with an abortion, especially one this late.
I know this is the right decision for me so I keep it to myself. My life has been torture and agony and a constant reminder of that night. I just want it to all be over. I wish things had turned out differently but I can’t change what’s been done. I can only look forward and try to make things better so that I can mentally survive and function again. My body isn’t my body right now, it’s his. My thoughts are only of that night. I don’t like who I am and what it takes to survive each day. I’m taking my life back dammit.

[Sam W]

It's totally normal to be a little afraid of a medical procedure, even if it's one that's desperately wanted. Is there anything we can do to help with those nerves, whether that's provide information or support?

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this whole situation more or less alone because the people around you aren't supportive. Doubly so because it sounds like the pregnancy is a reminder of something very painful for you. If you want to talk more about that situation and your feelings around it, you're more than welcome to do so here, and we'll support you however we can.

[Letmebe]

It’s done now. Finished my procedure this morning. It ended up taking only two days instead of four. Such a hard thing to go through and feelings of guilt for feeling relief overwhelm me.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you were able to access it a little more efficiently, since you were already having to jump through so many hoops just to get the appointment in the first place.

I want you to know that however you're feeling right now is totally okay and valid. People can and do feel all sorts of emotions after an abortion, and none of those are inherently the "right" emotion. In fact, it's pretty common for people to have some tough feelings after a pregnancy ends. Pregnancy causes some pretty big hormonal changes in your body, and when a pregnancy ends, by it by birth or abortion, there’s another bunch of big hormonal changes, which can lead to mood changes. Too, abortion is a very charged issue, one most of us have grown up with some strong messages around. If our feelings about an abortion don't match those messages, it can lead to some really rough times.

What would be the way we can best support you right now? We can talk through those feelings of guilt and relief, talk about some ways to take care of yourself in the coming days, or anything else that you might find helpful.

[Heather]

I also want to add that relief is a very, very common feeling after abortion. I've spent some years of my life working with and around it, and if there's any one feelings I've seen and heard most, it's that one.

You were able to make the reproductive choice you wanted and was right for you. It certainly would have been terrible if you hadn't been, because it's always terrible when someone can't. Feeling relief about all of that isn't bad, it's to be expected. <3

[Letmebe]

Jumping through hoops is exactly right. My drive was over 11 hours and I went alone. Living in the Bible Belt of Texas I knew I couldn’t tell anyone.
All I’ve heard my whole life is how awful “those places” and the people are.
They were nothing but kind to me. They were accommodating to my needs like me not wanting versed in my IV because I like to feel in control of my body. The doctor came over to me when she was finished, eye to eye, as tears ran down my cheek and told me we were finished and asked if there was anything I needed. Such a monster, right.
They arranged rides to and from the clinic since I was alone. One car had a cross hanging from the mirror. What!? You can be a Christian AND support abortion? Mind blown.
I feel sad for what I did but not in the way most would expect. It’s not regret it’s just sorrow of the shit show my life has been over the past five months and the whirlwind of emotions I’ve been going through. I felt like I was going to die if I had to keep going with this pregnancy and I felt like this “monster” of a doctor saved my life.
I’m back home now and keeping it together. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life and the second I’m alone the tears freely fall without warrant. I’m having some residual pain and bleeding and am binding my chest to help prevent milk coming in. So many things, so many reminders, but I’m almost done.

[al]

Hi Letmebe,

I'm so, so glad that you had a positive experience with the clinic staff. Feeling like you're in charge of what happens with your body and that the providers are there to take care of you is something that you deserve every time you're in the office, but especially for abortion procedures. The only thing monstrous about it is how your positive experience isn't universal.
While I wish you had closer and more convenient options, I'm also glad to hear that the folks giving rides were supportive and made you feel safe. (And were a positive example of Christian faith supporting reproductive choice to boot!)
I'm glad that you're home safe and in the home stretch. I think it totally makes sense that a lot of feelings and tears are coming up right now, because you're right - it's been a months-long process that has caused a lot of stress and worry for you, and you're seeing that start to resolve. Do you find yourself thinking about the future at all, or where you want things to go from here, or are you feeling more focused on the recovery process and the right-here-and-now?
Again, so glad to hear the update. Sending all my good thoughts your way <3

[Letmebe]

My emotions are all over the place. Anyone who says abortion is the easy way out is wrong.

[Amanda F]

Hi Letmebe,

Having a whirlwind of mixed emotions is one of many completely normal responses to an abortion. There's a section in this article a ways down called Abortion Aftercare, which may be helpful - it talks about some of the things to expect in the days following your abortion.

People report just about every feeling after abortion - relief, sadness, joy, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, confusion, and more. None of these feelings are wrong to have. In addition to the emotions that come with making this decision, having an abortion can also cause some pretty big hormonal changes in your body, so your feelings might be even stronger than they would be ordinarily.

If it would be helpful, I invite you to share your emotions and thoughts here. We're here to support you, no matter how you're feeling. I also want to check in on your self-care. What kinds of self-care do you usually do, physically and emotionally? Does anything from that article sound like it might be comforting today?

You deserve all the kindness, support, and love right now - not just from others, but from yourself, too. <3

[Letmebe]

I just wrote a long reply and hit the wrong button and it’s gone.

I wanted to say thank you for all the information and validation. It’s so difficult because my emotions are all over the place. I know my decision was the right choice for me, I just feel bad at the same time.

I mostly keep replaying the abortion over and over in my head. The first day they inserted the Laminaria rods and gave the injection. That night there was such a heaviness inside of me. Just a very heavy uncomfortable feeling and a lot of pressure. I keep telling myself that’s because he was dead inside of me. I carried him in me dead until the next day. It’s just a “mind blank” if you know what I mean.

I think if I had been able to access abortion sooner here in Texas it would have been much easier to cope with. I no longer feel movement. Milk has come in and my chest is bound. I feel so empty and so relieved at the same time. I can’t explain it really.

When I thought I was going to have to just deal with it (because our clinics were deemed unessential) I went to the doctor and received an ultrasound. I was 19 weeks. I keep picturing it over and over flashes of it in my mind. They gave me a teddy bear with his heartbeat. I can’t push the button and I can’t throw it away. A constant battle of the mind.

I hear the words of all the prolife Texans and feel like a monster. I have suddenly become who they hate. That’s me. I feel terrible and unworthy of happiness now. Yeah, big thoughts. Big feelings.

But again, I know my choice was right for me. It’s just so hard right now and the loneliest journey I’ve ever been on. I never wanted to have sex with this man and I never wanted to be pregnant. I never wanted my life to have to change or to have to parent this child. It feels so unfair to be in this position and at the same time I despise myself saying “think of the position of the baby.”

All I know is that I wanted to die when I was carrying him. I don’t know how I could have kept going because my darkest days were pitch black. Now a little light is creeping in again and I can finally breathe a little.
Relief but not regret.
Mostly just sorrow.

[Alexa]

I am so glad that the light is coming back into your life, bit by bit. More will come with time. <3 I hope that knowing that, and feeling relief, will help you validate for yourself that you made the right decision about your own health.

As meaningful as I know it is to you, it sounds like that teddy bear with a recording of the fetal heartbeat might have been a manipulative tactic to shame you into keeping your baby. I'm so sorry, that was cruel of them.

Sometimes -- especially when you feel societal pressure to feel shame -- it can be helpful to hear about others who are like you and have gotten through their own abortions with various experiences and emotions. If that sounds like something that would feel supportive, I would check out the Shout Your Abortion page and click on "abortion stories." There are hundreds, if not thousands, of stories there, from people with all kinds of perspectives and thoughts on navigating life after your abortion.

[Letmebe]

Embarrassing question but I’ve had stomach issues ever since the abortion - and not throwing up if you catch my drift.
I never feel hungry and when I do eat it’s not much and I will have to use the restroom not long after.
Is this normal? It’s been just over a week now. Sorry, there’s no where else I can ask this.

[al]

Hi there Letmebe,

Thanks for checking in - I can't say for sure why you're experiencing the gastrointestinal distress (as I like to call it). But it's not an unusual experience for people who have gone through a surgical procedure to feel a little "off" during the weeks afterwards. Your body is in a place of recovery and resetting, and so it makes sense if you're not feeling your normal bodily cues. Also, it sucks, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that while you're still trying to rebalance.
It can also be a way that the body reacts to stress and anxiety, which you've definitely experienced as a result of the difficulty of this whole process. If it persists into next week as well you might consider checking in with a healthcare provider about it. I forget, do you have a primary care doctor or clinic that you regularly go to?

[Letmebe]

Thanks for the response. It does make sense and I have had a lot of anxiety and depression lately. I guess it could be a combo of everything.

[Mo]

I hope that your stomach can give you a break soon! You may have luck eating bland, easy to digest foods and maybe trying to have a larger number of small meals/snacks throughout the day instead of fewer, larger meals so your body isn't trying to handle very much at once. Make sure you're staying hydrated, too! I really hope you can feel better before long.