Sexual Differences

[ballo202]

My girlfriend and I have been together almost a year (both 18). The connection between us feels so strong. I think we deeply understand each other on an emotional level. Every day we’re together, it feels like we’re learning how to be better partners.

A few weeks ago, during a phone call, I initiated a conversation with her about sex. She’s normally reserved when sex makes its way into a conversation, so I made sure to carefully ask, “Is there anything you’re expecting from our relationship sexually?” She said that she wasn’t expecting much of anything, as she wants to wait until marriage. To her surprise (she normally hears that people aren’t okay with it) I said that’s perfectly fine, and we just talked about her day. As time passed, I was thinking more and more about her response. It wasn’t till later that I realized that the difference between our stances on pre-marital sex might be something important to discuss. I started having sexual thoughts since middle school, but I didn’t realize the multitude of responsibilities and risks that came with sex until recently. In fact, it was on this site (amazing, btw) that I answered my sex questions. I now know things like why I want to have sex, what sexual health services are accessible to me, what I would like from a partner, what I would do if my partner got pregnant, etc.

I really care about this girl, which is why I want to make sure we reach some sort of agreement through communication and not coercion, but I don’t know what to do. There’s a lot about sex i want to experience before I decide to commit to one partner for life. For instance, knowing what I like and what I would ask of a sexual partner. I also want to know what sexual compatibility looks like to me. I respect those who wish to wait, but I have my reasons for not wanting to.

I want to stay with her, but it seems a bit dishonest to do so knowing we don’t see eye to eye on this. It’s not that I just want to leave so I can have sex with a bunch of girls, either. She’s an amazing partner and person, and I think she deserves someone who can wait.

[Heather]

Hey there, ballo, welcome to the boards.

I think that it's a great idea to initiate an honest conversation about this where you both can talk more about how you're both feeling. Realistically, I have to tell you, almost no one who says they will wait until marriage does, which isn't super-surprising given that most people getting married in developed nations aren't doing so until their late 20s, on average.

I don't say that to discount either or your wants and feelings so much as to give you another reason I think it's a good idea to have this kind of conversation. Knowing what she wants to wait for -- all sex -- like, even making out, etc? or some sex? -- and what she is really looking for here -- is that about stability and building trust, or is it religious, or...? -- is important, and the same goes for her having a clear sense of where you're at and what you want.

I'm not worried about you being coercive: people who coerce other people generally don't come ask for this kind of help and voice concerns about making sure coercion doesn't happen, you know? But you can always open conversations like this with people by saying things like, "I want you to know that in any place we don't agree or don't want the same things, what I *always* want, no matter what, is for you to only ever do anything with me you really want to do, and I will never push you to do something you don't want because I do." That way, you just make that very clear.

What are you looking for out of this conversation?