pain with sex, and big feelings

[alohomora]

Hey! I'm a girl in my early 20's who's had intercourse 2 times. I'm currently with a (male) partner who I love and trust, so we decided to try having intercourse a few months ago. Well, it didn't go very well. Once before we'd tried and communicated well and though it felt sort of uncomfortable/new, I felt good afterwards. This time around, we didn't communicate as well. I mean, I verbally suggested we try intercourse, but once we started, it just felt kind of rushed and really hurt. Sometimes it starts off hurting but gets better, and I thought that might happen, but it didn't. Just when I thought we should stop altogether, it started feeling better on and off. Finally, I spoke up and suggested we try a different position and that felt better but still wasn't very satisfying. It wasn't until after that I noticed that I was still really sore and bleeding a little. This really scared me and I freaked out and got this horrible feeling. I'm wondering, in retrospect, if what happened could have been sexual assault. I didn't feel like I was forced to have sex, I'm confident that if I'd said I wanted to stop I would've been heard, and my boyfriend listened to me when I did speak up, but the horrible feeling I got later felt like nothing I've experienced after sex before, like something was really wrong. It was really overwhelming and scary. We talked about it later, and my boyfriend made clear that he doesn't want me to feel like I have to just go along with it if sex is painful, and we've had sex since since, without intercourse, and it's been respectful and communicative and satisfying, and I've been working harder to check in to make sure it's what I really want to be doing when it's happening. But my strong reaction to what happened still seems like a warning sign of some kind, and I don't ever want to feel that way again.

So, I guess my questions are:
1) what is the difference between painful, disappointing sex and sexual assault?
2) is it normal to have really extreme emotional reactions to sex the first few times you have it?
3) how do you negotiate trying new things and seeing how they feel/figuring out what works for you while still maintaining clear boundaries? How can I explore my sexuality in a healthy way?

BTW, I've also read up on painful sex since this happened and I know next time to stop sex immediately if I'm feeling any pain. I appreciate any and all insight into this. Thanks!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, alohamora.

On the whole, abuse and assault aren't about how much people do or do not enjoy any sexual activities that occur. Sex that is consensual can by all means be a bummer, or involve pain, and sexual things that aren't consensual sometimes result in orgasm for the person who is being assaulted or abused, so perhaps you can see that that doesn't really work as a way to determine this.

Instead, what what is and is not abuse or assault hinges on if what is going on, or has, is something everyone involved willingly agreed to do (understanding that how it goes per how it feels for everyone involved isn't entirely under anyone's control). I'm not hearing what sounds like anyone not seeking or not giving consent here based on what you have posted, and I hear you expressing what sounds like an ongoing joint commitment for sex between you to be consensual, but this is something where only the people who were actually present and know all of what happened or didn't can make that call. What do you think?

"Normal" is always a tricky thing to ask about just about anything, especially something as diverse as human sexuality. But for sure, sex, of any kind, whether it is a first time or a 3,0001st time, can be something very emotional for people, for any number of reasons. So, it's not abnormal to feel strongly and have big feelings, even hard ones sometimes, just like it's not not to. That all said, if you want to talk through those feelings, we certainly are happy to do that with you.

In terms of your third question, I feel like it might be helpful if you maybe give us an initial, tangible example to work with. I hear you, so far in this post, describing, mostly, doing what you're asking how to do. The spot I see where perhaps it sounds like you might not know how to work this is where you say something felt rushed; perhaps there, for instance, we might be able to help you work out how to ask a partner to just hold up and slow way down when it's feeling that way?

[alohomora]

Hi Heather, Thank you so much for your response. It was really helpful to have that explained to me- seems obvious, but I didn't really know. As for my feelings about this particular situation, well, my boyfriend and I always have some kind of verbal check in before we have sex, so yeah, that doesn't really seem in line with abuse or assault, although I do think that probably checking in more while we're having sex too would be a good idea. I also really appreciate knowing that having strong emotions about sex doesn't make me crazy or weird or automatically mean something's wrong. That's also something I didn't know- I feel like the way sex is portrayed as something really good/desirable or "even good when it's bad" in the media really gave me the wrong idea.

As for my third question, I could definitely use some guidance on exactly what you're describing. Sometimes, sex has just felt kind of rushed for me (not just in this relationship, in previous ones too), and I've sometimes had a hard time speaking up when something isn't working for me or even if it's painful. I've learned that sex should not be a "grin and bear it" situation, and it's gotten easier with my current partner, but communicating during sex about what's happening is something I sometimes struggle with- how can I make it easier for myself and my partner?

Another question I have is about pain with sex. Do you have any suggestions for ways to make penetration more comfortable? Thanks. Again, I really appreciate your response.

[Heather]

Glad to help!

When you're voicing things like you have up there that have been an ongoing struggle for you, I think the first thing to do is to let partners know it has been. Like, "Hey, I have some trouble speaking up to ask to slow things down when I feel rushed, or when something sexual is happening at the time." So, first up, your partner then has that same awareness you do.

Then you can ask them to work with you with that, letting them into what strategies you're going to use, or would like them to help with. Like, I hear you here saying you could do with more ongoing check-ins, so then you can just ask for that, and state your intention to do the same with them.

You have some additional, options, too. For instance, safewords -- one simple word or gesture both people agree that if spoken, by anyone, means everything just needs to stop or seriously pause while people check in -- can be useful with this and that works well for a lot of people.

Does any of that sound like a good fit for you?

With the discomfort you're asking about, it'd be helpful to know more about how and when it's happening. Is that activity something that always doesn't feel good? If there are times it does, can you identify anything different going on those times than the times it doesn't feel good?

When it is NOT feeling good, is it:
- something you really, really want to be doing -- and feel a physical desire for -- or something you're just going along with?
- something where you are both aware it's been an issue for you, and you're already doing things that often help, like being sure to always use plenty of lubricant, being sure to always already be very turned on before doing, maybe even something you are only doing after you have reached orgasm from something else, etc?
- something where you're being gradual, and only continuing when it DOES feel good?
- something where when it is NOT feeling good, like any other activity where someone just was not feeling it, you switch to something else instead that DOES feel good and just let that other not-feeling-great activity go for that day?

[alohomora]

Hi Heather~ yes, all of these things seems like a helpful way to approach my issue with speaking up. I hadn't thought of safe words, I guess because I assumed they were only for people engaging in BDSM, not vanilla sex. I don't know why I thought that, but this makes sense!!

Ok, so for discomfort- it's really weird, but it seems to apply to ALL of these situations, even when we go slow and switch things up when they don't feel good. Like, part of what's been hard is that even when I really, really want to have penetrative sex, or even if I've already had an orgasm from something else, the act of penetration always feels slightly painful at first. Sometimes it starts to feel good after that initial moment, and sometimes it doesn't. I have noticed that it feels better when I'm on top and can control depth. Part of the reason it took my boyfriend and I so long to have penetrative sex in the first place was that sometimes we would try it and discover he literally couldn't enter me. I went to the doctor about this to see if something was wrong, and my doctor said that I didn't have an infection or anything physical that would cause pain and I should try using dilators to teach my body to feel more comfortable with penetration. But yea I'd say sometimes I feel mentally ready for penetrative sex, but then I try it and it hurts or isn't even possible. It's super frustrating. I've never had issues with discomfort or pain with other kinds of sex, just penetration.

Hope that helps narrow things down for you. Thanks for your help.

[Heather]

I'd say that when a healthcare provider suggests the use of dilators, they are usually doing that because they do know or suspect a person has some sort of pain condition. And certainly, some pain conditions are based in things like muscular tension due to stress/emotional discomfort.

So, given they suggested that, I'd encourage you to go ahead and give that a try and see if it helps you. Or, if dilators feel like a step further than you'd like to go, you can do similarly with masturbation with lubricant and your own fingers. I'd also suggest stepping back from some things you have been doing -- like intercourse -- where you can't just do a very thin bit of entry very gradually, until/unless you make some headway with smaller, more subtle kinds of vaginal entry.

When you start to have an association with an activity and pain, it tends to become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, where that association, especially when repeated over time, makes it more likely you will have pain, and also usually intensifies pain. So, when working with this stuff, you want to do what you can to stop things associated with pain while you try things that are not, so you can also kind of retrain your brain, and your body's response to it, so you don't keep expecting pain, and so you have some associations with pleasure.