My mental health my collapse during COVID-19

[Sabine]

So, a lot has happened. I am in Austria, have been because the pandemic got so bad in the US that I had to go to where my American family lives. Months later, my roomate moved out and so did I without saying goodbye to my house! We are currently in that process. I’m starting school as well and I had a bad, tiring day where I even discussed therapy, which has been the most troublesome.

After I had a disagreement with my therapist one session ago, I couldn’t really be on the same page with her. So now, we are deciding to move things forward. I don’t know what direction though. I considered today not getting a therapist because I “do the self hate talk” whenever I’m in a session and NEVER make big progress or move forward. My family hates it when I do it and so do I. I am hesitant to talk to them about my issues without hating on myself and getting scolded for self-hating. I don’t feel like I am trying and I am a big burden to everyone for talking about my issues, especially if they are my friends.

Oh yeah, speaking of which, I have a hard time maintaining a close circle of friends. Like keeping in contact consistently (including videocalls). On top of that, trying to get into dating is a little hard with COVID stuff too and having uncertainty also be a huge factor. And I don’t want to bother both potential girlfriends and current/potential friends with my shit too. However, I don’t want to feel constantly stuck with my family and feeling like I am the child with a lot of issues that drags them down. Like I am the one who needs to be helped or some shit.

I know that it is a lot. And I guess holding it in can only work for so long. Practicing self love is not easy with intrusive, OCD thoughts and mental health issues like that. So, I really don’t know what to do and I feel like all hope is lost. I don’t want to kill myself or run away, just feel like I am stuck in this state without any major good changes to be happening in my life. But, I do like school, academics, clubs, internship and I am working on transferring to a four year. However, its the social, creative and emotional and psychological stuff that I want to change for good (especially doing something that is really creative that makes an impact and getting a girlfriend and some solid friends). So, I guess what to do?

[Mo]

What I'd recommend is to try to stick with therapy, whether that's with your current therapist or with someone new. I know it can be stressful or frustrating to find a therapist you really click with, or to become comfortable enough with one to really open up in a way that makes therapy helpful, but that is going to be the most effective way to be able to learn coping mechanisms for OCD, self-love skills, and how to discuss your mental health with friends and loved ones in a way that is helpful for you and them.
It sounds like it's not feeling super productive right now; do you have a sense of what's making it feel hard to talk openly with your therapist, or why you feel like you aren't trying? Also, if you haven't read it, we have an article about how to get the most out of therapy that you may find helpful: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy.

[Sabine]

Well, I feel that I am not trying hard enough because I also have to put in effort to use the strategies in place and thats kinda my bad that I feel sometimes. Its really whats going on in my head is that I cannot stop my OCD thoughts easily and some people can be so annoyed with how it comes out, especially when I self hate on myself and it can go nowhere. Sometimes my brain cannot accept the treatment and block it out because of a bad day! My parents tried to suggest meditation and mindfullness, but its been so hard for me to try it because it always circles back to restless thoughts and always circles back to the bad thoughts. That’s why it seems like I am not trying hard enough. And I want to, I want to be happy for myself and improve relationships and “love myself so I can love someone else”.

It’s easy for me to talk openly to my therapist, but it’s hard for me to feel like I am making significant progress. Especially with my parents saying that I should help myself too. I feel like sometimes I am another problem to deal with and sometimes don’t understand they would love me accept that they have to because I am their child and its their personality. And I also don’t want to burden my friends because again, they are not my therapists or my psychiatrists, its not their job! But, if I am afraid to not be okay with them because I am not sure I am close with them, though I am more comfortable with them more than my family (because I have been with my family longer and more stuck with them in quarantine, even though I am close with them).

I hope thats not too complicated to explain! I hope I am not acting too much like the victim here!

[Heather]

Hey there, Sabine. I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time.

One theme I feel like I'm hearing in this last post and a couple others is what sounds like other people asking you to do things they want because they think they will help, but that you are not finding helpful for you. For instance, mindfulness or medication isn't for everyone, and can often be a particularly poor fit for people with intrusive thoughts.

It also sounds like your expectations of your self may not be either realistic or particularly kind or compassionate. progress in any kind of therapy takes time: years and years sometimes. All the more so in the kind of conditions we're all living under right now. Honestly, I think that for most people right now, just getting through one day and into the next is sometimes a really major achievement. Now might not be the right time or conditions to expect much more of yourself than that. Making our expectations of ourselves realistic and kind is part of self-love, btw, so if you do that, you *are* doing something in the interest of learning to love yourself.

I don't think that expressing the things you are and feeling the way you are is about making yourself a victim. You're just being honest about your feelings and challenges. That's not victimization. That's good for your well-being, and I'm glad you feel able to share.

How can we best help you with this, do you think?