How do I know if it’s just a phase?

[roxfoxreal]

hey guys! so recently I’ve found myself questioning my sexuality a lot. I’ve always found both genders attractive and was very keen to experiment. I’ve kissed a few girls before and it’s felt good. But they’ve mainly been at parties where they’ll laugh it off so I always shrug it off as well. I’m not having any luck finding any guys that I click with, so I’ve turned to girls. I enjoy flirting with them and could see myself in a relationship with them. I can imagine myself sexually with a girl, but the thing is I haven’t actually have the experience and I’m worried that if I come out as bisexual that people will say it’s just a phase and not real. Do you think you have to have sexual encounters with a girl to like “cement” my feelings and either confirm or disprove them? How can I tell if it’s truly just a phase or something more?

[Sam W]

Hi roxfoxreal,

The tricky thing about talking about phases when it comes to sexual orientation is that, for plenty of people, sexual orientation is a fluid thing, one that changes over the course of their life, while for others it's something that feels very unchanging. Someone who finds their orientation changing over their life could very well be said to have "phases." But just because something is a phase doesn't mean it wasn't or isn't real, or that the person was "faking" what they felt. It just means that they had information that lead them to identify one way, then they got new information about themselves as they moved through life. Does that make sense?

Too, you don't necessarily need to experience a sexual encounter in order to confirm or prove your orientation, for a few reasons. First, you mention that the times you've kissed girls have been laughed off, but on your end it sounds like you actually enjoyed the moment and were attracted to the girls you kissed. Both those things are indicators that you're attracted to women. And second, sexual orientation is about attraction more than action. For a variety of reasons, someone could realize they're a different orientation than they thought but choose not to act on those feelings. After all, we take people at their word that they're straight even if they've yet to have sex with a person of a different gender; queer identities are the same way.

If you're needing help sorting out your feelings around your orientation for yourself, I really like the questions included in this article to help people explore what their orientation might be: The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

[roxfoxreal]

Hey Sam! Thanks so much! You always know exactly what to say to make me feel better. I really want to thank you guys for being here for me! I’ll check that article out

[Siân]

So glad that Sam's answer helped you we're always here if you have more questions or want to talk about this some more!

[roxfoxreal]

Hey I just wanted to once again thank you guys I actually just came out to everyone! I figured the first day of pride was pretty fitting! you really helped me understand and validate what I was feeling and I can’t thank you enough!

[Sam W]

I'm so, so, glad it helped you come out, and that it sounds like coming out has gone well <3

[Mo]

That's really wonderful to hear, thanks for sharing.