Boyfriend Infertility problem

[Regina]

Hi guys,

I am a 25 yr female, software developer. I am dating someone for the past 3 months. He is a general physician. He is very caring and we have great Compatability. I am attracted towards him and I am falling for him. There is one problem though. I have PCOS(Poly cystic ovarian syndrome). So I am very keen on diet and fitness. I told him about this and how keen I am to have children in 2 years. He told he had undescended testis in the abdomen as a child and had a surgery at 15 years of age(late surgery... should have been done within 1 year of age) to bring the testis back to scrotum. Now he says everything is fine. But I still have doubts. He told he consulted an endocrinologist and took tests two years back and found out everything was normal. When I googled, Semen Analysis was one test that had to be taken to check for infertility issues in men, which he missed. When I asked about it he told told it's irrelevant but he will take for my sake and I needn't worry about it. I tried asking him twice about it to take it As soon as possible. He told he will take next month because of COVID 19 problem, hospitals are at risk. I feel like I am pressurising him. I don't know how to handle it. I love him but having a child has always been my dream and I am afraid it won't happen if I marry him. I have talked to him about all this and he is very understanding. But I am thinking of the negative possibilities and breaking my head. My feelings are going high and low. What to do? Do I leave him for the sake of this issue or wait till the tests and go forward with the relationship?

[Heather]

Hi there, Regina.

I do think that, especially given the risks of seeking out in-person healthcare right now, you need to back off about asking him to take more tests. I do think you are pressuring him and asking him to do something that isn't okay, especially right now. After all, this isn't about his health, so putting it at a high risk so you can have an answer to a question that's all about your own wants wouldn't be fair or caring.

I also think that given there are a range of options when it comes to having children, it's probably best for you to think about what you want to do in terms of this relationship as a whole, without hinging it on whether or not you can have biological children with this person. For one, 3 months in is still a VERY new relationship, so thinking about long-term things like parenting with someone is probably something you want to wait for a bit more in any dating relationship: maybe, let's say, until you're in it for a year or so, as a loose benchmark?

After all, parenting with someone is a BIG DEAL. It's something that we'll all ideally want to wait to decide to do until we really know that person, how we are together, and see how we do just on our own, without children, for a good amount of time first. If you two don't stay getting along and this relationship doesn't keep developing in positive ways, after all, then it won't matter if he can or can't have kids because it wouldn't be wise to do that together anyway. Do you know what I mean?

[Regina]

Hi Heather,
Thanks for the reply. I got some clarity. The thing is I am in India and I dont have much time to wait for a year. My parents are pressurising me to get married. I ve been in a relationship before and it was very abusive. I think the guy I am dating is compatible with me when I compare my previous relationships, he makes me genuinely happy. So I don't want to miss him. 6 months is all I can take to decide. Do I ask him to take it slow without thinking of commitment or marriage. Because he has already decided that I am the one. I don't know how to handle this situation. Please help me.

[Heather]

I remember your previous threads. I'm so glad it seems like your ex has stopped harassing you.

I understand big cultural and family pressures, and I also get that the older you get in a culture or family that sees you being married as a must, those pressures usually increase, but I don't think that means you have to cave to them.

You probably have the ability to tell your family you need and are going to take more time than three months to decide about marrying someone, and I also think it's certainly not fair to this man to move that pressure over to him, you know? Your last relationship was 3 years long without a marriage, so you already have experience with making time for yourself and not letting others pressure you into marriage, it seems. What did you do then that you can also perhaps do this time?

I personally would *never* advise someone to make a potentially lifelong commitment to someone else they have known for only three months, so yes, I would advise you tell both this man and your parents you need to and must slow things down. Wanting more than 3 months isn't even "taking it slow," because deciding all this so soon would be very, VERY fast and hasty. Wanting more than three months is asking for more than a very tiny amount of time to make such huge decisions.

I also don't think that if anyone is telling you you have to decide in six months that you should accept that: who is giving you that time frame?

[Regina]

Hi guys,
In relation to the above post, I did date this guy for 4 more months and I ended up falling for him. We are pretty serious about our relationship and even planned on getting married next year.
But there is one problem. Since the lockdown has been relaxed, he consulted an Andrologist and ran Semen Analysis and Penile Doppler and STI tests. The STIs came up negative, but.....
We got devastating results in Semen Analysis. He has Azoospermia(No sperm in semen). The doctor suspected obstruction but the Doppler test showed no obstruction which means his undescended testis surgery (which he did 10 years back) was unsuccessful. We are pretty devastated and he is still in shock. I am being supportive as much as I can.
Our relationship has come to a serious stage and this happening is brutal. I don't know how to handle this situation. I am being supportive but when I see the future of the relationship I am pretty scared about not having children. Sometimes I even think if I am shallow and selfish for thinking like this. But his condition has caused a lot of question marks for the future of our relationship.
I am having conflicting feelings about our relationship. He hasn't opened up much about how he is feeling. I am trying to comfort him as much as I can. He has apologised for leading me on because we were very eager of having children after we get married. I know it's not his fault but I am angry on him for not taking this test few years back(He is a doctor himself and should have been wiser than this).
It's a big shock for both of us, But when it comes to relationship I am having conflicting feelings. The doctor has told us that there is a huge possibility that he may not be able to produce sperms at all so no biological children. I have arranged for therapy for both of us to deal with this issue. I want him to be strong because it's not his fault.

When push comes to shove, I should either choose him and go for adoption because IVF is not an option (I don't want a sperm donor's baby) or break up with him for this reason (which seems pretty shallow) but having biological children of my own has always been my dream and I don't think I should give up on that.

My mind and heart is conflicted. I don't know what to do. I love him but this is a huge thing and is devastating. Please help me

[Sam W]

Hi Regina,

I'm sorry you two are dealing with such a rough patch right now; fertility complications can certainly put a lot of strain on a relationship, even a solid one. Too, I do want to say that you're allowed to end a relationship for any reason, and wanting kids, even wanting kids via a certain means, is included in that.

All that being said, I think that all of Heather's advice about slowing things way, way down, especially with the marriage talk, still stands. One big reason for that is that this relationship is only seven months old. That means you two are only now hitting the end of the "honeymoon" period of the relationship. That's a point where many relationships start to falter, because the newness and excitement start to wear off. It's also why many relationships educators advise against making plans for things like marriage after only a few months of dating.

But more than that, right now I already hear quite bit of resentment in how you talk about this whole situation, even if you know his reproductive situation isn't his fault. Resentment is one of those things that makes it very, very difficult to build a solid foundation for a relationship, so tabling talk of marriage until you get that sorted out is the kindest move to both him and you. Does that make sense?

[Regina]

I don't know if I have built up resentment. But I am a little frustrated. How do I go forward with this situation?
Should I tell him bluntly that marriage is not on the cards for now. That will hurt him a lot. I don't know how to move forward with this.

[Jacob]

Hi Regina,

He might be hurt but it sounds like it would be honest of you to say that you don't want to get married. It is much easier to accept things when they are stated with care and honesty and reduces the hurt in the long term. I would also be careful not to blame his biology for your decision... as your wants for a future relationship, and the ways in which you'd be willing to build a family in the future have played a much bigger part in this than his body has.

I feel like it might also be worth spending time questioning the idea that something needs to happen because it's your dream. I think it's very common for well meaning parents and relatives to tell us when we are younger that we can have whatever we dream of if we just believe in it, or if we just work hard, but this can have a negative impact on us too. Our preferences and our ideas of the future actually need to mature with us and our experiences of the real world, and real bodies.

Most people do not get the freedom or power to have exactly the future they would want to have but there is a lot to be said for adjusting our expectations and building on what we have to discover things we never knew we wanted or which would make us happy. I'm not saying that's something you need to do immediately, but I do feel like it could help you a lot in general.