Scarleteen

I think I figured out why I want a girlfriend so bad. It's because I've never known what it feels like. To have someone flirt with me. To touched and cuddled. To have someone jump from behind and give me a huge hug. I just want to know what it feels like to be close to someone and to be loved.

It feels like everyone else has at least some idea of what that's like. Meanwhile, I'm left with no one. And I always blame my autism (asperger syndrome and slight ADHD) for pushing people away with the "autism don't want love" stereotype and my complete inexperience and cluelessness caused by it

I think that's why I've been so anxious to get find someone. Because it feels like no one is going to come seek me out. But lately, I've just given up on the whole thing. I've been sent back home, where I have no friends left. I don't know how to interact with people online since it seems like a single wrong question will kill the conversation entirely. I always have to keep my disability a secret just to get by. And with the coronavirus killing any form of human interaction, I stand no chance. And what was even the point anyway? Why do I even try to pursue girls when I don't feel any attraction? Because I want to be given a fighting chance? Because I want to feel normal? Am I really that selfish?

I have no idea what I was even searching for in the first place. Besides, why would anyone date me? I've lost everything to this dumb virus. My job, my friends, everything. I feel useless and powerless. I don't even feel the hunger for human interaction anymore. I'm just a soulless vessel at this point

I just don't know what to do anymore

Hi wolfcub,

Most humans have the exact same needs you do - to be touched, to have intimacy, to be loved. It's completely reasonable to want those things, and it makes sense that you're feeling frustrated at not having them.

I know the coronavirus is really throwing things off and that's extra-frustrating. This massive change in our lives IS temporary, though - it won't go on forever. People and society will find ways to adapt, work will come back, we'll be able to see friends again. And you'll also be able to seek out relationships, but perhaps with some new knowledge of yourself and how to navigate relationships and partners with autism. I know we've shared these articles in the past - can I ask if they were helpful, or seem like they will be helpful in the future?

How Do I Tell a Date I'm Autistic?
Autism, Romance And How We See Other People

From what you've said, it sounds like you're feeling very isolated, and maybe even depressed, too. Can I ask if you keep in touch with your friends even though you don't live nearby anymore? Talking to them, even virtually, could help with the loneliness.