Crush situation got more complicated

[Sabine]

So, my crush’s social media account is no longer available and that was only one of the means to contact her. I felt numb and a little devastated. But, she didn’t block me, she deleted her entire social media account that we followed each other on (that she linked me up to btw). She didn’t see the messages that I wrote to her asking her to video chat (I know she wants to see more Austria and wants to hear about it and has asked about it), which is usual for her (she saw some of my social media stories though and thats okay). She seems really interested in me when she does and is seems excited when I contact her and likes the graffiti pics I send her and the sweet messages I send her as well.

She still didn’t accept my friend request nor match with me via the dating app, but she doesn’t get much notifications, as she said herself. So, unlike other situations where I had to let go there may be a 50% silver lining. However, I don’t know. I don’t want to obsess too much about this yet have hope (cautiously optimistic). So how do I have hope realistically and maintain two possibilities in my head without too much intrusive thoughts and distress?

[Sam W]

Hi Sabine,

Since she's deleted the only means you had of contacting her, in a lot of ways that puts the ball firmly in her court when it comes to continuing a conversation with you. You've done what you can, and she knows you're interested in keeping in touch with her. So it's up to her whether or not she wants to pursue that connection. I think one thing to do is to figure out how you'll react if she never contacts you; if you practice being prepared for that disappointment, it can be easier to deal with if it comes.

When it comes to avoiding distress or ruminating, do you have any tools that have helped you in the past in terms of distracting yourself from negative situations?

[Sabine]

Yeah, I will be sad for that indeed. Also, she has NOT blocked me on Letterboxd, but no one can contact each other on Letterboxd (at least not yet).

I have many, but its not for the long term. I am beginning DBT and I want to do expose therapy, but I truly miss this connection (for whatever this is).

[Mo]

I hope you find the DBT helpful. Have you talked with your therapist about this situation, or would you be willing to if you haven't already? They may be able to give you some specific tools to help deal with distress or worry you're feeling.

[Sabine]

Yes, I have, many times and have done some techniques related to it before the whole Instagram shutdown.

I asked someone how to deal with uncertainty and she said to focus on how what you know is certain and I do know more that is certain such as:
- She matched with me twice
- She doesn’t get much notifications on this site
- She usually responds positively when she gets back to me
- She said not to apologize when I overtext and she doesn’t anwser her phone
- She linked me to her old Instagram
- She didn’t block me on Letterboxd

So, whats not to be uncertain about, maybe whether she will like be back, match with me back this time or how long will it take. I just want a likelyhood for one outcome and not to be too happy or unhappy and also to prepare for the worst too.

[Sabine]

Also, if she does match back with me and/or accept my friend request, how do you think I should slowly pick up where the interaction left of, yet introduce the idea of videochatting? (Again, she wants to see more of Austria)

[Sabine]

However, if she does end up not contacting me for months or years or never, I know how to I let go and deal with that (at least partially, but also its a matter of how hard it is which is hard for my OCD due to thinking I am pathetic for still being sad if this ever happens ... etc). But, It’s going to be a hard one since its quarantine and rarely does anyone get a full interaction. Plus, two people I hit it off as a friends ghosted me. So, I don’t know what to do there. I want some hope and certainty and MY OWN friends and girlfriend, but I can’t!

I don’t want to have to resort to taking a break from social media or the app and I really want to conquer my intrusive thoughts about social interactions. Plus, I have to post some graffiti and there are some events on the app that I want to attend to.

Just I don’t want to be too pessimistic or optimistic, but its so hard to.

[Sam W]

You're right that finding that balance between too optimistic and too pessimistic can be a tricky thing to do, especially in the midst of a pandemic that creates a lot of uncertainty.

If she does contact you, I think matching her tone and starting with threads of conversation that interest you both (based on what you know from previous interactions) is a sound way to go. When it comes to video chatting, it may be simplest to just ask about it once you're in touch again, since it's something that requires a little bit of directness to make happen.

As far as what to do if you don't hear from her, there are a few things you could try. One is, as much as you can, give yourself permission to be sad about it. Losing relationships where we had a lot of "what ifs" invested in them can be hard, doubly so during times like these where the ambient stress can increase the emotional impact of things. Too, it could help to have some ways to put your energy into things you do enjoy and have control over, including your relationship with yourself. That can keep you from fixating on the loss, and add positive experience to your life. Does that make sense?

[Sabine]

That makes sense. Like if she doesn’t contact me for a while or if ever, I would out that energy into something else. I mean for me distraction is putting all my energy I can do for solving my problems (One of them I cannot control and I’m letting them control for some reason which makes me one pathetic person) into chill stuff or art or work or school.

Also what would working on yourself mean? Like I already do that through therapy and I already i’m working on issues like that. And by the way today my therapist and I already sought three goals: 1. Accept that my crush is (maybe) taking a break from social media 2. Hold hope that she may match with me and/or friend request me on the app like in the past 3. Reach out to others and keep an open mind in the meantime!

Now, I have two more questions. How do I hold the two possibilities of the two outcomes being true in my mind without causing too much stress (realistically and without too much delusion)? And How can I shut the fuck up about this so no one does it have to hear about my stupid crush problems and no one has to hear about how I am sad single (and I don’t want a bottle of any of my problems though)?

I just really want to acknowledge to everyone that this isn’t a black-and-white situation. There is some hope that she is responding positively and that she is giving signals that she is liking me however, my mom says that she checks Facebook and some apps very in frequently so she may be that type of person. so, it may be a small blip or it may be a loss. But either way I want to regulate my OCD mind so that it can be accepting of either way.

[Mo]

In terms of your two questions, I think a way to hold both possibilities in your mind without stressing too much is to try to focus on the fact that whatever happens is entirely out of your hands and that holding a lot of worry around something that you have no control over isn't helpful for you. I realize that knowing a thought pattern isn't helpful and actually stopping that thought pattern are very different things, but if you find yourself really caught up in wondering what will happen with her, I think it may help to say to yourself (even out loud, if you're alone!) "It's not up to me what happens, and I want to focus on things I can actively do for myself" and then try and redirect your mental or physical energy into something positive and active.
If you want to try not to talk about this and your feelings about being single too much to other people, this is what keeping a private journal or other personal writing space is great for! You could even give yourself a set amount of time to write every day, so that you don't run the risk of putting too much time into it, but this could be a space for you to be as longwinded and in-your-feelings as you want without worrying about what anyone else thinks about it.
I don't think this is something you can't talk about to other people at all, but if you feel like it's all you can talk about, or if anyone's asked if they can talk about this with you less, having that private space to process your feelings will hopefully help.