Pill issues

[_itsmeisa]

Hi there. First of all, I'd like to say that I really searched Scarleteen articles before posting here and I couldn't find a real answer to my doubt.

Here's my story:

My periods are very regular and the next one is scheduled to the new year's eve. As I'm traveling to celebrate it on the beach house, my mom suggested I started taking a 21 days BCP and move to the second tablet without giving it a break so my period won't come this month. The thing is, I started taking it on the next Monday after my last period (yesterday) and not on the next Sunday as your staff suggested on the articles.
I have mom issues when it comes to sex; she knows I'm in a serious relationship but she has never ever talked to me about protection nor sex itself. I guess she just presumes I know what to do and doesn't want to invade my privacy (or she, being a christian, just wants me to stay a virgin until marriage... sorry mom). Giving that, I'd like to know a few things about my situation, since I know she hadn't gave me BCP to work as a contraceptive method and I couldn't soothe my doubts with her.

1) Is it safe and healthy to skip a period by using BCP? When it will arrive the next month, then?

2) If I really manage to skip this month's period, will it mean the BCP is being effective and I'm protected? Can I have unprotected sex as soon as I notice I skipped my period, and thus, that the pill will be working as long as I keep taking the second tablet?
PS: I have a friend who told me I'll only be protected by the beginning of the 3rd tablet because the first tablet never works alone and since I started my first in the wrong day, I should take the 2nd properly and then wait for the 3rd...

3) As I started yesterday (the next monday and not sunday after my last period), I won't be protected this month and I should use condoms as a back up method until the end of the current tablet. Right?

Thanks.

[Heather]

The study we have on that so far, last time I reviewed it, was this: this has been studied for people only for people over 18 (so we just can't say for those under), and for a time period of a couple years. From that study so far, we know that so long as people doing this do NOT do it at least four cycles a year -- so have at least four periods a year -- in those two year appear to be able to do that without any adverse health effects.

Skipping the placebo pills does not change the effectiveness of the pill at all: only skipping active pills, or shortening the active pill time period does that.

(As well what your friend told you about the pill has no basis in fact. Once people have taken at least one full cycle of pills, and then continue taking the pill, the pill is fully and equally effective every day of the cycle. However, if you did not start a pill pack on the right day -- if you started late -- then by all means, a backup for one week is what is advised, always, because a mistake has been made. But as I'll say below, I personally don't think it is a good idea for you to ditch your backup method, period.)

Given all your worries and scares about pregnancy personally, using only one method does not sound like a wise choice for you to me at all. You have been having big pregnancy scares, so if you're asking me, for you especially, backing up with condoms -- which is always a wise idea anyway, especially since the pill offers no protection against infections -- would be a must. That would not be, again, because skipping the placebo period would make your pill less effective on any day: it does not.

Rather, that's because for those who want to prevent pregnancy as effectively as possible, using two methods is the most effective way to do that AND because you already know about yourself that even using the pill and condoms, you freak, so you can already know that going without one of those probably is going to leave you feeling even more panicked.

[_itsmeisa]

Ok, I'll be fine and healthy as long as I don't skip my periods all the time. Got it!

Wait, I'm confused. I don't think there are such things as placebo pills on my tablet. They're all the same color and should be taken day by day until a 7 day pause before starting a new one. Plus, I have never taken BCP before. I'm starting now and I haven't miss a pill: I just started it 8 or 9 days after my last period, which means I haven't started it the way it would pose a perfect method use. I took the 2nd tabled pill a few minutes ago.

What you're trying to say is that even if I have never taken BCP before and even taking it almost in the middle of my cycle, I'll only have to wait a week before going unprotected if I want to? I understood by reading your threads that I should finish the whole pack before considering myself protected.

By the way, as I have never gotten on the pill before, every pregnancy scare on my life was while using condoms as my only birth control method. That's why I'm so excited about finally getting on the pill. I hate condoms. I don't trust myself or my partner enough to use it properly and I have seem they break before. I personally trust the pill and feel safe considering it as my only contraception because well... its effectiveness rate depends much more of science and chemicals than in the user's capacity to use it right on every sex episode. I hope my mom doesn't stop buying me them when the summer is over, I would hate to go behind her back and have to hide my packs.

I'd like to add that I have never in my 3 years of sexual practices had an orgasm by penetration. It's so frustrating. Maybe ditching the condom while on BCP would do a lot for me.

[Heather]

Let me first clear things up so we can make sure we are understanding each other:

1) Are you saying that you are JUST now starting the pill, and are currently using your very first pack ever?
2) Are you also saying your pack does not have placebo (sugar) pills, but instead is made so you take a 7-day break from taking any pills?

You not reaching orgasm is not at all likely to be influenced by condoms, btw. For one, the parts of the vagina the condom has contact with have very little nerve endings for fine touch, but instead for pressure, which condoms don't change. That's also why most people with vaginas do not reach orgasm from intercourse alone no matter what.

Secondly, orgasm happening or not has a lot more to do with the brain than the genitals, and with being really turned on, with enjoying whatever kind of sex you are engaged in, etc. Too, if condoms keep breaking, sounds like you just aren't using them right, like not using extra lube with them (and THAT, using lubricant, DOES usually play a big role in pleasure for people).

But these are your choices, by all means. I just suggested what I did based on your previous posts, and knowing how this all tends to go for our users who get stuck in scares like you have been of late. My advice is there for you to take or leave, by all means.

Do know, though, that whatever method of contraception someone uses, unless we are talking about a method that the user does not have ANYTHING to do with, like an IUD or implant, how properly someone uses a method is what the effectiveness of methods hinges on, and that's as true for the pill as it is for condoms. If the pill is not used properly by a user, the chemicals involved can't do what they need to. it's not like the pill magically works the same no matter how someone takes it, which is why things like taking the right pill on the right day matters so much.

[_itsmeisa]

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying! I'm just now starting the pill and the instructions are telling me to take a 7-day break from taking any pills. That's why reading the articles confused me and I decided to ask for help on the threads.

I like penetration so much, I feel intimate and emotionally close to my boyfriend. But the pleasure I get from it is nothing when it's compared to fingering + oral stimulation. Knowing how my body works, I find friction over my G spot the best way to achieve an orgasm through vaginal stimulation, and condoms take away friction because they're lubricated. I don't know, maybe I just need more practice and to get my brain used to focusing on the small pleasure penetration gives me in order to increase it.
About the proper use of contraception, I personally find it easier to manage to take my pills properly at the same time than going through all the steps that involve putting a condom on. It seems like using a condom, there are more ways that one may screw things up, even if I had a condom breakage only once in 3 years of use.

Anyways, let's go back to the pill subject now that we've understood each other.

[Heather]

Okay. So, when we talk about the placebo period, we're talking about that seven day break. When you're talking about skipping the break, if you are going to do that, for you, that doesn't mean skipping ANY pills, just skipping that break.

Again, it sounds like perhaps you do not have information about orgasm and intercourse and for how relatively few folks with vaginas it happens from ONLY that. This can fill you in: The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum.

This will probably help out, too: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

Too, just so you know, lubrication does not stop friction, and condoms only have a dab on them anyway, so that is unlikely to be changing anything here. What adequate lubrication does -- whether someone is using it with or without condoms -- is make it so that when friction is happening, it feels good instead of painful or itchy, and also helps keep friction from abrading or drying out genital tissues.

Per the rest of your pill questions with skipping it, I think that's still been covered the first time around, but by all means, ask away if I managed to miss something in there.

[_itsmeisa]

Thanks for the body related links, I'll check them out. I absolutely adore how Scarleteen get all covered up, from human reproduction to relationships and familiar issues. I've been reading your posts about telling parents about sex and managing to have a good relationship when opinions diverge, and they're AWESOME. I really admire your views about life and people, they're great.

Anyways, the only thing that's missing is: when will I be protected if I have just started the first BCP pack of my life, in the 9th day of my cycle? When will I be able to ditch condoms if I want to and still have more than 90% of protection against an unwanted pregnancy? It may sound like I don't care about STD's, but me and my partner have been tested and we're monogamous.

[Heather]

When you start the pill at a time OTHER than one day one of a period, or on or before the first Sunday after a period, you should figure you may not have the full effectiveness the pill provides until you are on your NEXT pack of pills, the second pack.

Thanks for such lovely compliments!

[_itsmeisa]

You're welcome!

So it doesn't matter if I skipped this month's period or not, I'll be just as protected by the time I START my next pack of pills. Or it would be at the END of the next pack?

[Heather]

Yep.

Whether you skip the placebo period or not (which, just so you know, may or may not mean skipping a period, sometimes it does that, other times it does not), by the time you start the next pack, so long as you keep taking your pill each day on time, you should have the full effectiveness if the pill.

[_itsmeisa]

Yayyyy, I finally got it perfectly! Thank you once more for helping me out. I'll just keep using condoms until the next pack.

[_itsmeisa]

Hello again.

So here I am, at the 4th pill of my 2nd BC pack in a row (without pausing to get the withdrawal bleeding). 3 questions:

1) Am I safe now? Can I have sex without a condom on by now?

2) If I have unprotected sex and stop taking the pills right away/the same day, do I have a chance of pregnancy? I should keep on taking the pills up to 3 days after the sex episode so I wont ovulate when sperm may still be alive in my body, right?

3) If I stop the pill out of a sudden, will I have my bleedin by the few next days the hormone levels drop?

The reasons why I'm asking 2 and especially 3 is because since I am going back home from my trip, there is no reason, in my mom's point of view, for me to keep taking my pills. She wants me to stop and I don't really wanna get my bleeding now, since my boyfriend is prepairing a romantic sex night for us in a few days. I will probably tell my mom I want to finish this pack so my cycle won't be disorganized.

[Redskies]

Once you've completed the first pack, so long as you've taken all your pills correctly, you can expect your pill to have its full effectiveness.

We would still suggest using a condom or other barrier method as well as your pill. That's because, while the pill is very effective, there is still a small chance of pregnancy, just as there is with any method. Using two methods, correctly, makes the chance of pregnancy very tiny. As you've been clear to us before that not getting pregnant is very important to you, we'd simply suggest doing what we know gives you the best chance of your wanted outcome. Using a condom, of course, also lowers the risk of STI transmission.

The pill is really, really not meant to be used as a start-stop-start method. It takes the body a few months to fully adjust to being on it, and then to being off it if someone stops taking it, so if you start and stop within short periods of time, your body is very likely going to get pretty out of whack and you're likely to feel unwell. If you have any expectation of needing contraception again in the next 6 months to a year, there's no reason to stop taking the pill: you should continue with it, every month. Why does your mom want you to stop taking it? She's wrong that there's "no reason": as I said, starting, stopping, and re-starting is really, really likely to jumble your body.

That said, for people who want to stop taking the pill (for example, they no longer need contraception and have no expectation of needing it, or they cannot deal with side-effects and want to choose a different method), the body will likely adjust better if the current pack is completed. Stopping mid-pack is possible, it's just more likely to cause more cycle wonkiness and for longer. If you do stop mid-pack and you still want to be protected from pregnancy, it's important to continue taking the pill correctly every day for at least 7 days after the last intercourse, otherwise your pill won't be fully effective and you're at increased risk of pregnancy.

[_itsmeisa]

Got it. Well, I DO want to use a hormonal method in the next 6 months, so stopping now wouldn't be wise. My mom wants me to stop taking it because she sees no need for it, even knowing that I'm in a relationship. She just don't have a clue about me having sex. I am 99% sure that she wants me to stop BCP not to encourage me to have sex, which unfortunatelly, will and have been happening anyway.

I talked to my bf yesterday and he told me he is not confortable ditching the extra protection the condom provides. Given that, no bare back sex for us, at least for now.

I guess what I can and should probably do then is buying and hiding myself my packs, even though I'm scared of being busted. I've heard of a cheaper brand of 21 pills that works with different hormonal principles and I would like to use them instead of my expensive ones.
How should the brand changing be done?

[Heather]

Maybe it is time, then, to consider being honest with your mother? That is another option, one likely more sound than sneaking around and trying to keep your pills hidden. If you are not worried about being kicked out of the house or abused by her in some way for that honesty, I would suggest you strongly consider it.

If you want to switch brands, that is a conversation you need to have with your healthcare provider. They would need to give you a new prescription for a new brand.

[_itsmeisa]

Well, maybe in a further point of my relationship I will be able to open up to her. Me and my bf have been together for only 4 months. I don't rule out the possibility of my mom kicking me out of the house, but I do know that she would hit me and go months without talking to me, if that counts as emotional abuse. It's not only a matter of being embarassed and shy with "the talk"... my mom's beliefs are somethig that I can't see changing in a near future. I don't like hiding stuff, but I consider myself an adult (or almost) and my safety must come first.
I guess I'll try to schedule an obgyn appointment or email my mom's obgyn in secret for advice.

[Heather]

By all means, hitting is physical abuse, and refusing to speak with you for months, emotional. So, you are saying abuse does seem not just possible, but even likely to you, in which case, I agree, it is not safe to disclose this.

I am sorry you are living in and with abuse. I hope you can get out and away from it soon, meisa.

[_itsmeisa]

Yup, me too!

btw, it's Isa for Isabela. It's me Isa, just like Mario Bros games

[_itsmeisa]

Hey, hello again, I'm bringing up this topic again because well... I decided to come clean to my mom when she asked about my virginity. I wanted to be honest with her because I respect her and because I really want to get on the pill for good.

Well, things went pretty bad for me. Of course she told my dad and they both freaked out, slut shamed me and called me irresponsible, easy, and things like that as the first immediate reaction. They also stated that my relationship isn't going to last and that "me and my bf don't love each other", "me and my boyfriend don't know each other well enough to be doing it", etc.
They didn't hit me nor forbbiden me to see my boyfriend, who is helping me emotionally to cope with the situation and even offered to talk to my parents if they wanted to.
Four days had passed and now they're talking to me in a cold, distant way, although they're not cursing on me and my bf anymore. My dad seems to be accepting it better than my mom. We talked about responsability and choices in a 1% more mature way than at the first day, but that's all. They scheduled an obgyn for me next week with their health inssurance so I can get on the pill properly, and also want me to take STD and pregnancies exams (which I'm fine with, because me and my bf always had a condom on and it have never broken).

I don't really know what to do to restore the peace at home, really.

What is bothering me is that I was weakened by the situation and what my parents said really sank in in my head. I mean, I'm feeling very guilty about my sexual choices even though, as I may have sound, I'm completely pro-choice in all those matters and I was secure and comfortable with my choices before. I feel guilty about having sex outside marriage now because of the pressure my folks put on me. I'm being influencied and that's bad. Me and my bf tried to engage in foreplay yesterday and I couldn't have an orgasm, which never happened to me before...
I feel terrible to have dissapointed them, but I feel like I want to be a sexually active adult, especially now that I have a boyfriend who I like a lot.
I'm also doubting about my feelings for him because she said so. I saw him yesterday and I analysed every little detail about him and the things he did like I wanted to prove me right again, which kept me from actually enjoying the moment (although seeing him gave me happiness and strenght, clear signs that I DO like him).

I'm in a very awkward, confusing and emotionally disturbing situation right now.

Any thoughts about it?

PS: I'm not sure if this is the place I should be posting about sex and emotional health, but since I have already summarize how things are at home in this same topic, I found it easier for the staff to catch up on my situation. Sorry!

[Heather]

I am so, so sorry to hear it went that way with your parents. That's just terrible.

How do you think we can best support and help you with this? What do you feel like you need to be able to work through these feelings?

(Can I also ask what, if anything, you know about your parents sexual histories? I ask because the vast majority of people, worldwide, had sexual activity before or without marriage. Sometimes just knowing that most of the folks saying other people shouldn't do that have, in fact, themselves done that, helps a little bit when it comes to providing some levity to situations like this.)

[_itsmeisa]

I asked my mom and she said she and my father started doing it after a few years in the relationship (thett started dating at 17/18). She didnt expected the marriage thing, but she said I did it in a too early stage in my relationship. I'd like advice on making things better at home and stop feeling guilty about my sexuality just because I disappointed them, please.

Also, I am now doubting myself about my feelings for my bf, which I hate being going through because I was so sure he was the one...

[Heather]

So, you know what your mother's history may be: that doesn't tell you about your father, though.

In terms of making things better at home, I don't suppose you have felt able to ask to sit down with them again, tell them how you're feeling, and ask if they will work with you to find ways to make things more comfortable for all of you?

If not, is that something you feel safe doing right now or not?

In terms of how you feel about your sexuality and disappointing them, I have a few things I can say that might be helpful.

For one, ultimately, we are all going to disappoint the people in our lives at some point, if not often. That's usually not because we suck or anything, but because we're human, and also because often, people's expectations of others just aren't realistic. Too, there are some things where the people with the expectations need to be doing their own growth work, but aren't. For instance, we really shouldn't be putting our beliefs about what we feel is or isn't right for us sexually on others, or our values about sex on other people, especially when we're not talking about things like doing others harm.

There's no one ethical way to go about a sex life, except, honestly, around the ethics of doing all we can not to harm others or ourselves. But, of course, not everyone feels that way, as you know too well. However, I'd encourage you to see if you can't look at this as not being about you having made poor choices -- unless they have not felt right for YOU -- but about you simply making different choices your parents, so far, can't seem to acknowledge are still okay, even though they are different than the choices they wanted, for themselves, when it comes to you. Know what I mean?

It might, too, be a time when you need some time and space to work through these feelings and all of this without being sexual with a partner right now. If and when we feel very conflicted about any kind of sex, we generally want to take time to work through those conflicts before/without being sexual in those ways first, rather than going ahead and being sexual anyway when we feel so full of conflict about it.

Working through guilt or shame tends to take time, especially when it's still being put on you by others. That stinks, because of course, it's something ultimately being done to you that isn't positive and that you don't want, but the reality still is that guilt and shame take time to work through.

[_itsmeisa]

Absolutely! I guess if I worried about what other people would think about things that are only up to me, I wouldn't live at all, or at least, I would be unhappy with myself in order to keep other people happy. I guess it's their job to accept it, and not mine to change who I am or my ideals.
She told me my father was a virgin as well, but then, it was a different time and I couldn't picture a happy relationship without sex because it's an important time for bonding with the significant other and getting intimate, which releases well being hormones and makes everything better and healthier, no supressing the natural desires.

I sat them down on the 2nd day after the revelation and talked to them in a more mature way. They explained to me their views and I explained them minem They came to the conclusion that they won't hate me nor change with me, but that was a shock due to the generation gap and they need time to get used to me being a full grown up person in their eyes, which was good. Also, my mom sent me one of those cheesy emails which was talking about being a parents and letting children trail their own tracks through life. Apparently she was too shy to come to me in person. I respected her and answered the email aggreeing with it. Today, she talked to me in a bit more lovely way than yesterday.

And yeah, I told my bf that I got kinda assexuated for now, because of the emotional stress, and guilt, and he totally respected that I need a week or two to put my sexuality in place. It was just that we got carried away yesterday and ended up doing more than kissing, but we found out that's not working for me right now, and it's fine.

I guess everything that had to be said, was...

[Heather]

So, do you feel like you just need some more time? And maybe more emotional support from people besides your family?

[_itsmeisa]

Everyone I talked about it with told me they will get used to it within a week, so, maybe... idk what else I can tell them to make them relax...
Do you think seeing my bf today would slower the process of making them happy again? Or I should back off a little from him as well?