Insecure about my boyfriend's past

[Patrichles]

So I've been with my boyfriend for just over three months, and he's amazing. I love spending time with him and we share lots of similar interests and attitudes. The one major difference between us however is our past experience. He's my first proper boyfriend, and the first person I had sex with, however I am not for him. In fact, he ended a casual friends with benefits arrangement when he started dated me, and I know that he has engaged in lots of hookups as well as other serious relationships. The fact that he was sexually active before he met me isn't a problem or a big deal I know, but I can't help but feel insecure that he compares me to other people he's slept with and finds that I don't measure up. This really became an issue as he was alright casually mentioning hookups and things like that to me, which bothered me as I worried that he still wants to sleep around and that sexually I'm not enough for him. It reached a tipping point when he was telling a funny story which happened to include his favourite hookup, and when I jokingly asked if it was me he told me that it wasn't, which basically validated all of my insecurities. He reasoned that relationships are different from hookups but my feelings were still very hurt. I made it clear to him that I wasn't ok with him so casually talking about people he's slept with and he agreed it was inconsiderate, but I still feel insecure. How can I deal with these feelings and move on so they don't damage what is in all other ways a brilliant relationship?

[Alexa]

Hey Patrichles,

I'm going to name what's happening here, even though I know it can be a stressful word to describe oneself with -- jealousy. But guess what -- jealousy is natural and okay in and of itself! It can be easy to experience this emotion in a relationship that is precious to you and that you're protective of, especially if your partner has more sexual and/or dating experience than you do. I get it.

That being said, jealousy isn't a bad thing, but we have to be responsible for how we respond to feelings of jealousy and insecurity. It's important to remember that this person is choosing to be with you right now, and that that speaks to their care for and prioritization of you. It's also important to remember that our partners don't need to feel ashamed of their past, even as we navigate our emotions around that past tenderly. I love this quote from our article, Jealousy: Making Friends with a Green-eyed Monster:

It requires patience, love and kindness: to others but, most importantly, towards yourself.

So, I recommend you start by loving on yourself and soothing those insecurities! Set boundaries around what you and your partner talk about together (it looks like you're already doing this, which is great!) and make sure you're both comfortable with those boundaries. Take space and/or ask for some extra time and validation as needed. Practice self-care. It'll get easier to let go of these feelings with time.

Let us know what you think of that article! I'm curious to see if it helps. Please note that it's written by a polyamorous author -- but feelings of jealousy are universal, and it should still be helpful in your situation <3

[Patrichles]

Hi Alexa,
Thanks for the reply, you're right, it can be scary to admit to jealousy, especially as it only seems to be in relation to his past. As you say communicating boundaries is important too, I think it's definitely worth having a conversation with him about why I reacted so badly so he can understand my viewpoint; but it will also be useful to hear his. The last thing I want to do is make him feel bad about his past; there's nothing to feel bad about after all, and to be honest his experience has been helpful in some aspects of the relationship. I read the article and I really like how it defines different sorts of jealousy and the roots of it, identifying my particular feelings certainly does make it seem less monumental to deal with. I'll talk to him about it to conclude that particular event and then probably focus my energy more inward, as I know nothing he could say will deal with these emotions, it has to come from me. I'll definitely try out some of the techniques in the article! I also think quarantine isn't helping lol, beforehand I did loads of clubs and activities that really satisfied me but those have understandably been put on pause, and I'm doing my best to fill the time, as we all are learning to do! Many thanks for your help xxx

[Mo]

I do think that a lot of people are finding so many things to be more stressful than normal now that social distancing means a lot of clubs, social gatherings, etc. aren't able to happen; when your daily life is disrupted and you don't get to interact with other people as often as you might want or in the ways that feel good to you, any other issue can feel a lot more difficult to deal with. I hope you can continue to find ways to keep yourself busy and take good care of yourself, and that you're able to have a productive conversation with your boyfriend about how you're feeling.