Afraid of my own anatomy?

[mocapan]

So to start off I’m 19 and I’ve never really had a sexual experience before. I’m not sure how long I’ve had this problem but I’ve noticed it more the last couple of years. Whenever I see/hear a depiction of a vagina and how it works I feel like I’m about to pass out which is odd because I have one. Every sex ed class or anytime I’d try to read a smutty story I become faint and need to immediately stop, step away and drink lots of water. This definitely isn’t normal right? How can I overcome this?
Also I should mention I do feel sexual attraction so I don’t think I’m asexual or anything like that. I’m not sure what my problem is. Thanks for any help/advice

[Sam W]

Hi mocapan,

You're right that this is definitely unusual, although it's actually not the first time we've spoken with someone who experiences such a strong sense of fear about a part of their own anatomy. Do you tend to have the same reaction to discussions or depictions of other parts of reproductive or sexual anatomy? Or is it only that one?

When you have that reaction, is it accompanied by any specific thoughts? Like "ugh, that body part is scary because ___."

[mocapan]

Thank you for getting back to me
No oddly enough I only react that way when I hear about vaginas. And no not usually, I do sometimes think that the idea of penetration is scary, but I think it’s more like “I can’t believe that’s how my body works” if that makes sense.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

Got it. Am I right in thinking that you only get the "I can't believe that's how my body works" feeling about that body part? If so, can you think of a reason why the way it functions is somehow more overwhelming to think about than how your other body parts function?

[mocapan]

You’re right! I’m thinking that it’s because it’s a body part mainly used for sex and the idea of that overwhelms me. It may also be because I know very little about how it works due to my history of almost passing out in sex ed during high school.

[Sam W]

Oof, that's a rough way to go through sex ed. So, when people have really strong, negative emotions or reactions to the thought of sex or things associated with their body and sex, there's more often than not some internalized beliefs that are playing a role. Sometimes those beliefs are things we hadn't even realized we internalized. Can you give me a sense of what the messages you grew up with around sex?

Too, are there things about you (or specifically your body) that make you anxious or overwhelmed when you think about them in relation to sex?

[mocapan]

Honestly I wasn't taught much about sex growing up. I remember my mom briefly explaining it to me as a kid and that I was disgusted by it, and that was really the only time she talked to me about sex, everything else I know is from school. But I was never taught that sex or my body are "bad" or "gross" from family or from school if I remember correctly, if anything school just preached abstinence a lot. Do you think I may think this way due to a lack of education?
I mentioned before that the idea of penetration is scary to me and that's because I'm afraid of sex being painful. Thinking about possibly hurting myself makes me very anxious. It's why I've never tried to masturbate or anything I don't want to hurt myself. I'm afraid I'll put something in the wrong place if that makes sense?

[Sam W]

I think a lack of solid information could definitely be playing a role, since not understanding something can make it more intimidating. Of course, the tricky part is figuring out how to correct that lack without making yourself pass out.

It's totally understandable that the thought of sex, or just inserting something into the vagina, being painful would make you anxious. Pain is something we try to avoid, after all. One key thing to know is that masturbation and sex aren't inherently painful, and there are lots of ways to make the experience comfortable and pleasurable. When it comes to the fear about putting something in the wrong hole, it may help to know that it's actually pretty hard to do that or, at least, keep going once you've made contact. The vaginal entrance and the anus have some distance between them and it feels different when an object is inserted into one versus the other.

Would it be helpful for us to give you some information on anatomy and pain during sex that you could read at your own pace?

[mocapan]

That would be great thank you! I'll check it out and I'll give myself breaks if I'm feeling ill at all. I want to be informed since that may help me get over some fears and anxieties relating to sex.

[Mo]

Here's a great rundown of sexual anatomy that might give you a better sense of your body: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body. If you haven't done this before, you may find it additionally helpful to use a compact or small hand mirror to give yourself a look at your genitals; it can be easier to find everything mysterious and scary when you don't have a visual idea of what your body actually looks like.

Here's an article about handling pain with intercourse: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse. The information here can also be useful for experimenting with a toy or your own fingers in your vagina, also, in terms of thinking about how to make pain less likely and how to deal with it if it occurs.

I think these two are a good place to start; give yourself as much time to read through them as you need and if you have questions afterwards, we'd be happy to answer them!