Scarleteen

I've rarely been getting on dating apps nowadays so I'm beginning to wonder if this is something I even want anymore.

I rarely ever feel affection towards anyone. I can't even remember the last time I did. I feel like some part of me is telling me this is something I want but now I just don't know anymore.

Ever since the quarantine started, I've been completely disregulated. I lost my job, I couldn't go anywhere, I lost any way to meet new people and I got stuck living in the same stupid house that I went to college to get out of in the first place. I haven't been texting my friends as much as I used to. I start the conversation and then forget it even existed until the next week or more. And that behavior has transfered into my dating apps, only for them it's longer. And I know that that's a serious turn off for girls.

The few times a girl did respond, it would seem like a single unrelated question is enough to make them never talk to me again. Here's an actual example

Example 1:
2:21 PM Me: Who's that on the wooden horse with you?
2:38 PM Her: mario (slight giggle emogi)
4:06 PM Me: Lol. Is that your mask or someone elses?
(No response)

I'm not sure what I did wrong here, but it's pretty freaking clear how my autistic awkwardness is showing.

When I was at college, I felt like I was ready because there were clubs, a job, a place to live with a roommate who was admittedly anti-social but didn't criticize what I was doing with my time every two seconds. I felt like it was a place where I could build myself up and live life. But now, with everything that's happened and the system crashed and reduced to the same place I was stuck in before, I wonder if I should just accept that I'll never know what it's like to be touched, kissed, or to let someone into your heart. That I have neither the motivation or even the potential to be attractive to someone. And that it doesn't matter if I'm a catch or not because I'll always screw up the first encounter.

A lot of people are feeling unmoored and out of sorts right now; I imagine that many people on dating apps are struggling to remember to check/respond to messages or only halfheartedly engaging with the app or individual responses at the moment because meeting in person isn't a good idea. If someone stops responding or is very slow to respond I don't think you can necessarily know it was because of something you did or didn't say; I bet a majority of the people you message are also struggling to take care of things and may drop all their conversations on the app because of stress or life upheavals.

I don't think you can know what the future holds for you, in terms of a dating life, but since in-person dating isn't possible right now and looking at dating apps seems to be a pretty frustrating/negative experience at the moment, it might be best to take a break from spending a lot of time or mental energy on this right now. The current pandemic situation has a lot of people feeling uncertain about their futures, and it's understandable that this would feed into worries about finding a romantic partner. I think it's too early to know how a lot of aspects of everyday life will be impacted long into the future, and how the job market might recover, but when you're worried about very basic things like work and housing, adding stress around dating might make everything else a lot harder to deal with.