Residual feelings

[ballerina99]

So I'm 20 years old and I've known I was gay now for like four or five years. I've been on a few dates with a few different women but it never seems to turn into anything. If it's someone I have feelings for I'm never confident enough that they like me back to actually make a move and if someone actually expresses interest in me I never find myself attracted to them. I've always assumed this is just bad luck, but recently I've been wondering if it's a residual effect of a girl I was head over heels for. I'll tell you all the story of our relationship and if anyone has any input of any sort I would really appreciate it.

So I met this girl when I was twelve years old. She was out as bi at 12 years old, so that's info I knew from the start, but when we met I thought I was straight. We didn't really become friends until we were 15, which is right around the time I started to question my sexuality. We were in a musical together and I remember just wanting to be near her all the time. I didn't know it was a crush at that moment, but looking back now it definitely was. This was our freshman year of high school and I liked her for all of the next four years. I realized I liked her the next summer when we were 16. That year, in a classic young lesbian way, we became absolutely inseparable. We were basically dating. We held hands 24/7 when we were out & about and when we were alone together in my room we would not let go of each other. We'd snuggle and take naps together and basically just not stop touching for the entirety of the time we were together. I know it sounds like she must have liked me back, but she was dating other people on and off this entire time and talking to me about her feelings for other people and all of that. It was honestly devastating. To make matters worse, she flirted with me constantly. Like unabashed flirting, always saying she wanted to sleep with me or date me. At one point people actually began to think we were dating and when I told her that she'd say something like "they're not wrong" or something else that led me on. But when push came to shove I don't think she actually wanted to date me. I have no idea.

The point of all this is that I loved her. I absolutely loved her. I was head over heels in love with her and to this day I have no idea how she felt. We are still friends but not nearly as close since going to college. I am wondering if maybe being so in love with someone who led me on and made me believe she loved me back but ultimately kept reminding me that she didn't could have left some personal baggage for me to deal with? Maybe part of me can't tell now when someone likes me because I started to disregard all of that from her so I wouldn't keep getting hurt. Maybe I never like people who like me back because I don't believe it's actually true? I know this sounds like some stuff I should talk about with a therapist lol and I will at some point, but for now I would love to hear if anyone else has had a similar experience and could offer any guidance or advice. Thanks everyone

[Elise]

Hi ballerina99 - firstly, you have taken a brave first step outlining this all here and taking a first step to unpacking this.

I can empathise as someone who has had similar doubts about themselves. I think your sentence at the end really sums up this emotional experience well "I never like people who like me back because I don't believe it's actually true"; this can be a feeling we have for various reasons, particularly how the people behave during our formative years.

Whilst I cannot know your personal truth, it is possible that you don't need to still have residual feelings for this person, and still feel the effects of their behaviour in the situation you describe. You were in love with this person, expressed feelings towards them and they were sending you confusing messages by communicating in an unclear and conflicted way that meant you couldn't be sure where you stood. This is a very stressful situation to be in, and not the best dynamic for such a formative relationship in your life, and can make it hard to read other's signals. It can take a lot to break these thought cycles.

You mention speaking to a therapist, and as someone who has been (and continues to deal) with these thoughts and feelings, my advice is this: please do this, it is one of the best things you can do for yourself. I have been for a number of years, and they can help you put words to your challenges and needs, and help you break thought patterns, like those that lead to you feeling "I don't believe it's actually true someone can like me", and help you feel more comfortable with yourself and better navigate relationships. Not being in the US, I cannot speak to whether this is the case for you at college, but you may be able to access free counseling/psychological services through them.

[Mo]

Do you feel like this is something you could ask your friend about? It sounds like you're still in touch, if not as close as you were, and I wonder if you'd be able to start a conversation about how you felt and how confused you were by how she acted and the things she said to you.
This might feel like way too much to tackle right now, and if so I wouldn't want to push you towards it, but I do want to float it as an idea, just in case that sounds like it might give you some insight or closure into what went on between the two of you.

[ballerina99]

Hi CygnusAstratus, thanks for the thoughtful reply. I do have a therapist who I've been seeing now for a couple of years. I will get around to discussing this with her at some point, but she is a CIS straight woman and sometimes I feel like it would be more useful to talk to other Queer people. But as this may be more of a self-esteem issue than anything else I think you're probably right that it would be best to bring it up anyways. I think I also feel kind of embarrassed. When I tell the whole story I feel kind of dumb for letting myself be led on for so long. So I think that's another thing keeping me from talking to her about it. But regardless, thanks for the input - I think you're probably right.

Hi Mo, thanks for the reply. I've thought about talking to her about this before but she's a difficult person to have these conversations with. Our relationship is not as close as it once was and it feels very personal to disclose how I felt about her when I don't trust her like I once did. Also, when she feels uncomfortable she isn't very sincere and that is what ends up confusing me. For example, early last year I tentatively started this conversation by saying something about how many people asked me if we were dating and she responded by saying that we should have just dated. And I am still left not knowing whether this is sincere or not and not really being able to ask as I never get a straight answer. Also, once she confided in me that so many of her close friends have ended up having a crush on her and that I was one of the only ones who just liked her for her and not because they were into her. This was many years ago but it's one of the reasons I've never just told her how I felt. I've never wanted to make her feel like our friendship was just a result of me being in love with her, if that makes sense.

[Mo]

I can definitely understand, from what you've said here, why it might not feel like asking her about the situation would be a great idea. That makes a lot of sense! It's hard to know how to feel if someone says "oh yeah we should have dated" without ever having actually asked you to date, I imagine. It sounds like you tried to come at the conversation in a roundabout way and got the feeling that it wouldn't go anywhere, and especially since you aren't as close now, it may just be something you never get a full understanding of.

In terms of your current dating life, this is just anecdotal of course, but I have heard from a lot of queer women that they struggle to feel confident enough to make their interest in other women clear or to initiate a date or physical intimacy, etc. even when they're really into someone. Sometimes it's related to confidence, or to worries about their advances being unwanted and wanting to be extra careful/respectful around that. You mention having a therapist and maybe approaching this as a self-esteem issue, and I think that even if you aren't quite ready to get into the story of your friendship with her (I agree that there may be nuances of this sort of close, intense relationship between young queer women that a straight woman might not be as tuned into), talking about self-esteem and how it relates to dating and your feelings about approaching or initiating things with women might be really helpful.

[ballerina99]

I think you're right that ultimately this is probably something I'll never fully understand. I think the lack of closure is something that's always made it difficult for me to move on from the experience. And I know exactly what you mean about being tentative to make any advances with other women for fear of these advances being unwanted & also lack of confidence. Thank you - I think a self-esteem conversation and discussing how I feel initiating things with other women would probably be a good place to start with my therapist. I appreciate the advice