Scarleteen

Ok so I'll give a short description:
I'm in a relationship that has been going on for a very nice 3 months. I've been vulnerable, consciously engaged with my new partner and communicating properly. We've both been on the same page for the majority of our relationship with some differences.

One of the biggest ones being sex and our love languages. My love language is primarily physical touch whereas their's isn't. I also like sex a lot and in order to get adjusted sexually to a new partner I like to have sex a lot (and outside of that I just like to sex fairly often anyway).

I feel both of these aren't being met from time to time and it's been discussed before. I still feel like from time to time my needs aren't being met. I realized I have been fantasizing about the hookup I mentioned in one of my previous posts when I went on an out-of-state trip.

I just feel like this relationship won't work out and I feel like I'm mourning over something I've just fabricated in my head. Like I feel as though nothing will change and I and this partner will inevitably break up so I should just break up with them immediately without any further thought. Anyone else feel this way? There could also be other factors like the state of the world, my sleep schedule being skewed again and a whole lot of other things.

Anyway, I hope someone can help me make sense of this.

Hi BuddyBoi21,

Libido (desire for sex) is definitely an aspect of compatibility that is important in any relationship, and I think it's good that you're taking your need for sex seriously. Recognizing that this is so important to you is healthy, and it's okay to be asking questions about the relationship.

Libido is on a big spectrum like so many other aspects of sexuality, so it may just be that your partner is naturally less compelled to have sex. There might also be some other things getting in the way - like you mentioned, the pandemic is doing all kinds of funky things to people's libidos. When you've talked to your partner about this, what are those discussions like? Does it seem like their interest in sex might change at all in the future? Have they mentioned anything in particular that they'd like, or that they need to be different?

Hi Amanda!

Well for the time being yes and no. They do at times get in the mood for sex, don't know EXACTLY what causes it but hey if it happens I try to enjoy it as much as possible and memorize everything for sexual fantasies and masturbation later.

Our conversations are really productive. We reassure one another that our experinces with one another's sexuality is okay. I've been relapsing into fearing I'm "too sexual" they feel bad there is something wrong with their body or that they aren't "sexual enough".

That's two big things about them:
1. They have less experience or haven't had the chance to know exactly what they like in bed because their previous partners never put in a whole lot of effort for them.
2. They do want to have sex with me but their body is basically "not in the mood", if that makes sense?
The only thing we do know is that they really like my fingers for digital penetration.

Overall, we're trying our best due to the pandemic and the revolution going on. I actually had some times where my libido went down significantly because my mental health was so bad within the last month.

Currently I just masturbate a lot, sometimes they offer to help or I ask but lately I've been relapsing in that shame and I've even been frustrated at times if I can't masturbate.
I hang out at their place a lot so if they're in the room I feel embarrassed even though they've said many times before that they don't mind.

I also have a similar response when we start to have sex and we have to stop or I try to initiate sex and they aren't in the mood, they feel guilty for not having sex.

We basically concluded mental health has really affected our sex drives and hopefully they will sync up again as things calm down to some extent.

Hi Buddyboi,

Mis-matched desire can cause feelings of shame and frustration for both partners, so I'm glad you are clearly working hard at being kind to one another around this.

The thing is, both of you are perfectly healthy and normal exactly the way you are. There is nothing wrong with you feeling like you want a whole lot of sex, just like there is nothing wrong with them feeling like they want less sex. If they are wanting to learn a little more about what they like sexually, then having low-pressure, curious sexual touch, conversation etc. when you're both feeling it can be a fun way to figure it out.

If you're falling into a bit of a chasing dynamic though, where you feel like you're always initiating and that's creating feelings of pressure or guilt for both of you, then that might make it harder to find what you like together. To ease the pressure, you could try are e.g. explicitly taking sex off the table for that day/week and allowing yourselves to enjoy physical intimacy without wondering where it's headed, or making a rule where only they initiate or escalate for a while, or whatever other little "rules" help you both feel relaxed.

All that said, sometimes people come along who we care about deeply, and want to have a particular type of relationship with but find that we are, ultimately, not compatible in some way - including sexually. That's okay too.

On the point of their body being "not in the mood", sometimes the way our genitals respond doesn't lining up with our subjective experience of feeling turned on - or not. That's okay. The important thing is to pay attention to how we feel/how our partners tell us they feel and what they want. Unfortunately, nothing kills a turn-on like constantly monitoring how turned on you are, and wondering if it's enough! Focusing on theirexperience rather than their response may be helpful to them.

Does any of that sound like something you can use? You're right that this pandemic is just piling stress on top of stress, and creating pressure in many relationships - I'm sorry it's hitting you in this way too.

Hey Siân,

So two things that stuck out to me:
1. I'm very aware of the possibility that my current partner and I are simply not sexually compatible enough and could ultimately end our romantic relationship because of that. However because it's only been 3 month AND we're in the midst of a pandemic I at least want to try considering all the messy factors in play.

2. Sex has been off the table for a while (implicitly). We've seem to fallen into a routine where instead of me initiating sex, we just cuddle and kiss somewhat and then when we go to bed I masturbate and we both eventually fall asleep. For me personally, I feel like this routine makes me even more anxious about sex. I feel nervous about even having sex or being sexually attracted to my partner. And sometimes it's like I developed this feeling that I should stick to masturbating.

We try to focus on them or myself solely during sex and we both manage to feel awkward because we both try to figure out what the other wants or likes. Because I've basically trained myself to get off a certain way through masturbating the majority of the time, when we do have sex it's not sensitive like it used to be with my last partner or even existent in some instances because of how "out-of-practice" I am with my body. With both of us we don't orgasm (I know that it's not about the finish line but the journey so to speak) but I miss that feeling and I want to share that feeling with them.

It's messy and again we're doing our best. Overall, I'm just gonna chalk this up to the pandemic and the revolution making things a thousand times harder than they would normally be.

I'm really glad to hear that the conversations you've been having are positive, reassuring, and productive. That's wonderful! It sounds to me like you're both handling this really well and I agree that it's likely the pandemic has had some very big effects on each of you.

I feel like some of the resources we have on the site might come in handy -

Some more information about bodies, brains, and how they work when it comes to sexual desire, arousal, response might help each of you to see that you're both completely normal. Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide and How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire break it down pretty well.

Recognizing that the routine you've been getting into is making you anxious is great self-awareness. I wonder if, although "sex" is off the table (I put in quotes because "sex" can mean so many things), you could find other things to do together that involve different sensations, feelings, levels of arousal, etc. Maybe Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist could help you break out of that routine? I suggest you go through the list individually and then discuss together - you may be surprised by the things you're each yeses and maybes on.

If you think your partner would find it useful, this advice column might provide them a helpful place to begin exploring, too: Where's my sex drive driven off to?

Hey y'all,

I find myself more often recently fantasizing about other people that aren't my partner when masturbating. I wouldn't ever cheat and I really like this person.


In these fantasies that don't involve them, I'm thinking about the person I met during an out-of-state conference and the sexual chemistry we had. What it would've been like to have sex with this person, it sucks sometimes and feels uncomfortable since I know of I said anything out loud they would probably feel intimidated by this person who lives extremely far away.

Now this fantasy is a tiny bit more realistic. We had a discussion on non-monogamy and actually got to a solid agreement that if our relationship was long term and we both felt comfortable enough and agreed then we would open the relationship. So a lot of fantasies there are being able to have sex with another person and come back to my current partner at the end of the night or having group sex.

And lastly the fantasy that I feel like they would even hope "becomes a reality": our bodies syncing up. I basically think about being able to just dive right into it with them because I horny relatively easily. My partner is just as eager as I am to skip foreplay at times, it's just their body isn't used to it or just isn't in the mood when they are.

Just all of these fantasies, they aren't bad are they? I feel guilty because some of these involve other people or vhanging something about my partner neither of us can control. Is fantasizing about other people in this way okay/normal?
Is this another form of me shaming myself?

Hi BuddyBoi,

Nope, these fantasies aren't bad. In fact, the general types of them, like fantasizing about someone who isn't your partner or about changing something that's sometimes a source of frustration, are pretty common. Really, the only time a fantasy can be harmful is if it starts to influence our actions in a negative way, like if we start treating the person we fantasize about as an object rather than a person. Does that make sense?

Hi Sam,

That makes sense! I wanna thank you for clarifying. I'm still a bit awkward about it at times and had a bit of a struggle talking about a couple of these to my partner. Overall the conversation went well.

It also may go hand in hand with shame and the very strict ideals I was brought up on when it came to sex and relationships (like you should only fantasize about your partner or similar toxic monogamy examples).

Thanks again!

BuddyBoi,

I hear that re: being raised with shame. If you ever want to talk through that further, we're here!

Hey y'all,

So earlier today I had another interesting stint of gross feelings relating to fantasizing about someone else.

Every now and again when my current relationship first started I would fantasize about the person I hooked up with at the out of state event I went to because I was getting from them what I felt I wasn't getting enough of in my current relationship in the beginning. Not enough sex and not enough physical affection.

Now here I am, almost 6 MONTHS with this partner! It's a big deal to me but if I let my mind wander off too far (which has been extremely difficult lately because bipolar symptoms have been awful these last few weeks and I'm manic as I type this) I can become anxious about "when will our relationship end", "how am I gonna fuck this up?" or "how will things suddenly go to shit?".

This lingering thought of that person really made me feel like I didn't truly like my partner because I still asked myself "What if I had been with this person?" or "What happened if we spoke?". From the second thought my mind automatically assumes some sort of romance would develop so I avoided speaking to them for fearing that it would ultimately lead me to cheat somehow or my partner would feel I was cheating/very uncomfortable with me talking to them and would've left me when we were in the earlier stages.

Fast forward to now: I no longer sexually fantasize about this person anymore. The last time I did was a month ago and it involved my partner too.

So when they went past my mind today I said I wanted to talk to them and discussed it with my partner. But I didn't know EXACTLY why. Did I secretly hope to end up with this person? Does superstition lead me to believe I should be with this person?

Then it hit me. Aside from the superstition which needs to be put away because it to a lesser extent hinders my current relationship if I focus on it, I realize I never directly addressed what happened.

I basically lied to them about why I never contacted them. I said I had so many things going on and forgot. When really what happened was I started dating my partner roughly two weeks before they got back to the US from studying abroad. Because I learned my partner's trauma from being cheated on and moticed how insecure they are about not being good enough for their partners, I took it upon myself to never contact the person until the BLM events went on. They were in one of the cities where the tensions were REALLY high so I texted them to check in and told them the little white lie.

Because of that I feel like I don't have any sort of closure and this is why I can't stop thinking about them despite it being rare.

Tell me what y'all think and if you can please help by proofreading what I could say to this person.

If this is still an issue for a week or so I will definitely bring it up in therapy (not that I wouldn't anyway).
Thanks!

I get the desire to maybe hold out for a future date when numerous factors might be better in the future. But it sounds like lots of your thoughts sound like you already feel like it's the beginning of the end.

Personally I have learnt that when I get that feeling it is better to do the difficult thing rather than just wait for an even more difficult future thing...

This isn't to say you couldn't reconnect in future. Is possibility of politely breaking it off something you are keeping on the table as an option?

Hi Jacob,

(Let's just call the other person Dani)
I'm a bit confused.
Did you read this as though I'm considering breaking up with my current partner?
That I'm try to see if Dani would still be interested in me?

I'm trying to figure out if I should more directly address Dani and tell them outright I still thought about them so that way I'll stop thinking about them.

The problem is not that I don't like my partner. The problem is I lied to Dani about still thinking about contacting them. I told them I forgot about them the one time I checked in on them. I will be completely honest with myself I wonder about "what if we had stayed in touch" or "Are me and my current partner supposed to be together in the first place?".

The thing that sticks out to me though is that 7 months ago I wanted a fuck buddy or a very casual stand in until I found a relationship. My current partner and I started out as fuck buddies and realized over time we liked each other.

I only started to fantasize about Dani because I would feel sexually dissatisfied or felt I wasn't getting enough physical affection. This is a complete swap of my last relationship where I had plenty of sex and physical affection but the personalities were a complete mismatch.

Also the beginning of the end. I have a lot of problems with this because I constantly had this mindset of "don't too attached" in the beginning of my relationship because I felt that's automatically what would happen.
I'm not 100% happy with my relationship but we're also under some really shitty circumstances and I don't think that's fair to either one of us to break up when absolutely nothing is normal right now.

When I say I'm not 100% happy it has nothing to do with the emotional aspect at all. It's the physical aspect. I don't know exactly if my partner is not as horny as I am or if they're so stressed by everything that their interest in sex went down.

Aside from that though, we're now currently apart from one another physically until further notice because they moved back in with their parents and now they're an hour away.

Something I noticed is that their sex drive is starting fluctuate a bit more since we got away from their shitty roommates. Even earlier this week we were a day off in terms of being horny at the same time.

As for Dani, I strongly feel like they'll only be some distant "what if" because the world is on fire and they live in a completely different state (they're up north, I'm in the south). Plus I hardly know them. I think I simply like the idea of them and am chasing this sexual chemistry rather than the actual person, y'know?

Anyway I know this was a lot but I hope this provides more context and clarifies things a bit more.

Hiya,

I wasn't really referring to Dani, but more the negative relationships feelings you were expressing, but also sorta dismissing.

I don't think that feeling of mourning you mentioned in your first post is all that irrational; it can be really upsetting to feel like you might be losing something you had hoped would work out. It makes sense to me in the context of a relationship that doesn't feel like it's working and a world which as you say "is on fire" to take to a bit of fantasy to escape for a moment.

Hey there! Hope it's okay that I'm jumping in. I want to validate that there's nothing wrong with you for thinking about other people or feeling bummed or frustrated that your partner's sex drive is different from yours. This is definitely a weird, intense time to make big decisions, so I think it's good that you're going slow and feeling out all your options.

If I had to guess, I'd say that telling Dani that you've always been interested in them wouldn't make you stop thinking about them, but might be some part of you wanting to see if they feel the same way or wanting to start a flirtationship with them. Maybe I'm projecting, because I've had that experience of thinking, "maybe if I tell them I have a crush on them, I'll get over it," but that's never worked for me. And that's okay! I love flirting, but I'm also in a very intentionally nonmonogamous relationship where I talk to my partner about people I'm interested in, and we work through any jealousy, loneliness, or excitement and encouragement that come up as a result of being interested in someone else.

I'm hearing a lot of self-awareness from you about why you might be interested in Dani, which is awesome: that they are far away so commitment feels super low, that the world is on fire so you want something to distract from that, and that you don't know them well so are interested in them conceptually. That doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue them, but you can use discretion to see if it is something you actually want to do, and if it is, I definitely recommend being in communication with your partner about it and checking in about how'd they feel about that.

I wonder, too, if you can start changing your language when it comes to how your relationships (either this one, or future ones) "end" - maybe instead of thinking "this is the beginning of the end," or "it's inevitable that we'll break up," you could start thinking, "I'm feeling a transformation starting to come on in this relationship," or "I wonder what's going to happen as we grow and change as people and as partners!" This small shift in thinking can help to un-demonize change in a relationship. Everybody changes, and lots of times, relatinships transform too as a result of this individual transformation.

Any death or loss is also an opportunity for a birth and renewal. When one thing exits our life, you can remember that it's inevitable that something new will come in to fill that void, even if you can't imagine it yet. Transformation or endings can feel painful, certainly, but if you can approach them with curiosity and neutrality instead of dread, you may feel better equipped to endure change and even find it interesting or exciting instead of the Bad Thing that we associate with "breaking up". Do you feel like you could try that out?

Hi rubyted,

So I want to clearly state I DO NOT want to pursue anything with Dani. I just want to tell them I never forgot about contacting them in the first place and then drop it after pointing that out. The reason why is that the idea of a relationship doesn't really pan out with them because at the time we met I was focused on sex and receiving a very VERY casual form of intimacy while interacting with them.

So if I were to text Dani now I would say something along the lines of: Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't honest about this but I actually did remember to contact you. The reason I didn't is because I got into an agreement with someone and it eventually grew into a relationship. I didn't feel comfortable going to speak to you since my current partner has trauma regarding cheating. After awhile I eventually felt it wasn't necessary to contact you because you and I never established that we would explicitly develop any relationship past a friendship. Also I was anxious about my new relationship and wanted to focus on that first.


Alright so back to explaining. When my partner and I were just considered fuck buddies they told me they didn't feel comfortable with me pursuing other fuck buddies. I was completely okay with this because dating left me extremely anxious and I was getting nowhere with online dating to the point I was going back and forth deleting the apps. Like "Maybe I will get a date" and then later on delete it because I wasn't matching with people I liked or not getting anywhere near a date and would end up feeling hopeless. The anxiety surrounding it was awful.

So when I calmed that by only fucking around with my partner before we officially started escalating our relationship. We slowly developed a deeper friendship and realized we liked one another. After that we started dating and we really care about each other and still want to continue this relationship.

I feel so off about Dani because of that whole was this all just physical or was it the infamous "I knew they were the one" feeling? The more I think about the context the more I feel it's just the first one. I was horny, painfully single and excruciatingly lonely. I hadn't been a date where I received any physical affection or experienced any sex in months which left me touch starved. So I find it a bit odd and concering that what if still passes my mind every now and again.

I tried talking to my partner more about it today and tried to word it as "I find this person physically attractive but would still choose you" and still managed to word it VERY poorly. I emphasized more "Dani is really hot" rather than the "I like you more than Dani because all they have is good looks/the attraction is surface level ".

I just want this idea of "Dani being the one" to go away because it isn't based in any sort of reality and probably only happened because we had so much sexual chemistry in the first interaction. Like it was solely a physical connection/interaction and I only saw a sliver of this person.

Again I have no intention of changing my relationship with my current partner.

I think I finally realize the root cause of these feelings regarding Dani resurfacing. I reread one of my old posts regarding my feelings about them. I really really like my current partner so much so that I want to develop this deeper commitment to them but I think my brain going back to what could've been my "other options" may be a panic response.

I really want to develop this relationship with my partner because 6 months feels like a huge milestone for me. For me it feels like a big sign of "okay so how long do you REALLY want to be with this person?". I couldn't remember who said it for a minute but it was my therapist.

She basically said that there is this mindset of thinking of my relationship as "Me and This Person" to rather than "Us". With that sort of separation mindset she felt it kept me in a state of mind where I had one foot in the door ready to leave at any given moment rather than going all in and enjoying things in the moment. It's that "We" or "Us" that she suggested would help me enjoy my relationship as it happened rather than holding my breath waiting for it to change instantly. I get breaking up is not bad or the end of the world but it's been discussed and highly noticed that if I constantly focus on how and when a relationship "ends" that it prevents me from either enjoying one or staying in one.

I hope this makes sense. I don't want to come off as though I'm trying to force something. I just want to be in a situation where I allow myself to be happy with a romantic partner rather than anxiously waiting for things to go wrong.

Glad you feel like some of it is starting to become clearer, it makes lots of sense to me.

I just want to be in a situation where I allow myself to be happy with a romantic partner rather than anxiously waiting for things to go wrong.

That is a really difficult balance to strike. Especially when trying not to be anxious can so often be a fuel for more anxiety

I think for me it's important to try and exert as much kindness as you can towards your own thoughts or misgivings.

It's not innacurate to think that this relationship could end or irrational to be scared of some of the feelings that might surround that. It feels a bit self-blamey to simply label it as just your excessive anxiety or your lack of commitment to the idea of an 'Us'.

Maybe it'd be better to hold both things as true; it could end abbruptly, or it could be that the intimacy that you're hoping for blossoms. I wonder if accepting both of those things might make it easier to quit trying to control either option and as your partner said 'enjoy the relationship as it happens' while knowing that the paths in all directions, of what could happen next are accessible and equally valid.

Hi Jacob,

So just to clarify the enjoyment of the relationship was said by my therapist, not my partner.

My partner is just as anxious as I am about the same thing. They also haven't had very good relationships in the past so with ours going well overall we're both surprised and nervous.

I'm not considering marriage at all (realistically at least). As for things ending abruptly and giving weight to both possibilities I find it exceedingly difficult to do that. I stopped putting all my hopes into being with a person forever a few years ago. But the drawback is I've done a full 180 and constantly had (and still occasionally struggle with) this feeling for a long time that I was simply incapable of having a romantic relstionship; like everyone else knew the secret to escalating a relationship into a romance and even managing to stay together for years or for their lifetime.

Before my current partner when I was single, I had decided to scrap dating and eventually any sort of romantic or sexual pursuit because I felt it was pointless for "someone like me". My last ex was someone hardly anything like me in personality and honestly the relationship wasn't healthy at times when I look back at it.

It was better than when I was 18/19 but still this mindset kept me from asking out a lot of people as I grew older and started to meet other queer folk.

So yes, while I am VERY aware this relationship could end at the drop of a hat, I try not to think of it at all. My biggest problem in severe instances of mania is highly considering breaking up with my partner before I do to prevent getting hurt when there isn't much wrong with the relationship at all.

My therapist does know about all of this and it's why she emphasized trying to edge myself more toward a We perspective of my relationship. She described is as thinking that way has a one foot in the door and a one foot out, like I'm simply holding my breath waiting to leave rather than actually trying to enjoy this relationship.

Does this make more sense?
I hope I'm better clarifying that while I understand this, that I try not to fixate on it otherwise I trigger that anxiety circulating around my ability to even have a long term relationship.

Either way, thanks for the input!

Hey Buddyboi,

I get the fixation on whether things are going to end, and I agree with Jacob that it's important to listen to what those feelings are telling you -- even if that doesn't mean ending your relationship. Those kinds of feelings can be very important moments for figuring out your needs in partnership & what's healthiest for you in the long run.

I also just want to normalize having reminiscences and fantasies around your hookup with Dani! That doesn't mean that there's anything *wrong* with where you're at now. However, I get why it rubs you the wrong way that you weren't honest with them about why you disconnected. Even when it's difficult, it's ultimately so much easier & comfier to be honest with your sexual and romantic partners. If you feel that you need to correct that with them, I get it -- but I think it's even more important to remember this feeling the next time you're caught between telling a sexual partner the truth versus what feels (at the time) like a convenient lie.

Ultimately, your libido & sexual needs & how much they weigh for or against your partnership is entirely up to you. Every relationship involves some compromises, and it's up to you which ones are acceptable. But I wouldn't advise being in a relationship just to prove to yourself that you can do it (for 6 months, 1 year, what have you). Rather, I'd focus on the person and the balance we're striking and whether it feels good to me or not.

Hi Alexa,

When addressing my feelings they more often feel like a part of me is trying to find something wrong with my current relationship.

While yes, physical affection and whatnot are important to me I also want to keep other factors in mind. My partner and I were very affectionate during the beginning of our relationship before the pandemic. It wasn't until they experienced more depression that it became an increasing issue. When we were still physically together we talked about it and they would do their best to be affectionate with me. As for sex, we just fell into a routine where I spent more time masturbating than having sex since we were so out if sync at the time.

I strongly feel these concerns are based in a mindset of me "waiting for something to go wrong" rather than anything truly based in reality. As for the whole situation with Dani, I think now, the best approach is that if they do speak to me again first that I tell them I'm in a closed relationship (assuming I'm in one if that were to happen).

I should clarify I'm not trying to force myself to see how long things can last but rather give myself a chance to be in a relationship for once and enjoy it. Most of my other relationships ended one way or another and quite poorly/painfully in some instances. So now in a relationship that's escalated seamlessly, both of us communicate our needs and actively approach resolving any conflict as it happens.

My point is I think this relationship has been the healthiest out of my previous ones and while yes I really enjoy sex I feel fine working and compromising with my current partner about it.

I may have referenced in past posts that I had an extremely fulfilling relationship with my most recent ex. However emotionally there was a huge disconnect that reminded me far too much of my parents' relationship (they are now divorced).

With my current partner they mirror me in a way that feels extremely reassuring in our relationship. We do have our differences but they aren't in a way that causes an extreme amount of discomfort/stress like in my last relationship. Really the only thing I would like is to have sex more often with them. They want the same but we're both just trying to be gentle with ourselves and one another in how we approach sexual desire. (Their body doesn't seem to be in the mood whereas mine feels the need to A LOT.)

So this is what I mean when I say giving this some sort of chance. I've spent my life being anxious about relationships when they're going well or have actively self sabotaged. My last relationship I didn't establish a boundary really and wasn't nearly as deliberate as my ex in escalating the relationship.

Again I hope this makes more sense!

Thanks again for your input!