Scarleteen

hey everyone, a friend referred me to you guys. happy to be up here

sooo i haven’t had a boyfriend in a very, very long time. i really want one, but boys just don’t like... see me. they see all my friends, but never me. i never seem to attract attention from them and when i do it’s someone who only wants sex. i’m a virgin so that’s not something i really want unless it’s with a boyfriend. i’ve tried tinder and things of the like with nothing but boys who want sex or something else or who are just not my type. i’m starting to think i’m just gonna be alone forever and i don’t want that. i wanna feel loved and wanted too, and not just looked over. i have issues with my body, being small and skinny with not too much boob or butt. i’ve gone on a regimen to gain some weight and i’m feeling slightly more comfortable with my body day by day. i get compliments, called pretty and other things, but i just get looked past or that’s as far as anything goes. i’m in college by the way. i don’t know why no boys pay any attention to me. how can i change that?

at this point i think i just have to deal with a hookup and hopefully that will turn into a relationship. i heard boys gain live through sex while girls need love before sex. i know everyone’s different, but generally IDK. i don’t know if i’m just gonna have to settle. but i wanted my first time to be special with a boy. but at this point, i literally have been extra horny (sorry for the tmi) and feeling super lonely so i just want to feel loved by someone. the last boy i thought I could have something with decided he wasn’t ready to be with anyone. idk.

Hi fivefootzero, and welcome to Scarleteen!

So, if it's important to you to have sex for the first time in a more committed relationship than a hook-up, I would advise against having casual sex because you feel like that's all you can get. That way lies feeling disappointed and crummy; not because casual sex is inherently bad, but because when we compromise something that was important to us around sex, it tends to result in some not great feelings. Too, the idea that boys gain love through sex while girls need love to happen before sex is actually very inaccurate. It's based in stereotypes about how the genders are "supposed" to be. Whether or not a person is interested in casual sex or only wants sex within a committed relationship has less to do with gender and more to do with personal values, preferences, and experiences. So, you can let that assumption go when evaluating whether or not you can find someone to date who isn't just interested in sex.

As far as being horny and lonely, there are things you can do to ease those feelings. Masturbation is a big one. But so is finding other ways to fill that need for company and intimacy (I mean intimacy in the broad sense: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots). Can you give me a sense of what your social life and social circles are like?

Too, sometimes the context where you're meeting boys can have a big effect on whether they're looking for the same things you are. Are you meeting guys in class or during your hobbies (or were you, prior to the pandemic)? Out at clubs or parties? Somewhere else?

so in school i would just hang out in a common area or in class or in clubs and that’s where i met most people. it’s easier for me to make friends or talk to people but when I try to be flirty or romantic it goes nowhere. idk if i’m just doing it wrong. my friend group is full of tall girls and some boys. my best friend is the same height as me, five feet (hence my name) and has no problem being short, she actually likes it. i hate it because everyone looks down on me, figuratively and literally. also, all of my friends are either talking to boys or are in a relationship, or at least can talk to them in a friendly way. none of that happens to me.
also i do masturbate, but recently it’s gotten so boring so I just don’t do it anymore. it’s just the same thing over and over and i think it’s cause i’m just by myself

Hi there fivefootzero,

I'm sorry to hear that masturbation has felt boring. Have you tried experimenting with different methods, or maybe tried fantasizing about something or looking at erotic media about something different than what you usually do?

I also wanted to add in - this is a pretty common feeling for a lot of people right now! It really sucks to feel like opportunities to meet people and/or flirt or be sexual with others in person is out of our reach at the moment. So (and this may not make you feel any better at all) your misery is in good company! (With my misery as well!)