My sexual life is in shambles (TMI)

[wanderlust]

Hi,

Sorry for the dramatic title it just popped into my head and I thought dang, that is kinda how I feel! I'm new to this board because I really need a group of people to talk to about this stuff, it's really impacting my life. So, I started masturbating at around age 14 (will touch on this in a bit) and I am now 20. In those 6 years I have yet to orgasm - I am telling myself it has not happened yet, not that I am broken or it will never happen although those thoughts do like to pop into my head.

Here is a somewhat brief outline on what has happened in the few years since, chronologically:

- Multiple partners making me feel broken and them trying to "fix" me, even so far as to one buying me a vibrator (it physically hurt, and hurt my mental health too!)
-Multiple friends told me there was something wrong with me for not being able to
- I mustered up the courage to talk to an OBGYN about it. Sounds great, but she told me I was broken, may very well never have an orgasm but it doesn't matter because I am pleasuring men.
- I went to my actual OBGYN and she said OMG you are not broken and "prescribed" me a vibrator - it is great, but hasn't gotten me there
- Last fall, I had a drunken hook up (My first one ever, I do not do hookups and especially not sex, he knew it too) with the first guy I ever dated years after we broke up
- Fast forward a few months, I still feel weird about it and then he says ugly girls are a 6.5, I am a 7, I have no butt and that makes me unappealing to guys. I'm still hurting from it honestly.
- This on top of other toxic behaviors I've had form past relationships I've just come to terms with, on top of a somewhat traumatic way I lost my virginity just means I have a lot of negative thoughts bouncing around in my mind a lot in regards to sex.
- I bought a different kind of vibrator over the quarantine, penetration feels better for me than anything else which I know isn't the norm but that's okay!
- Still nothing, I am now almost finished reading Come As You Are and I bought OMGYes (a module to improve orgasms, but not quite help somebody like me)
- Come As You Are is teaching me a lot and I'm having sort of a reckoning, I realized the first time I ever really masturbated was over text with that guy I mentioned earlier, which kinda set a precedent of wanting to sext guys to masturbate (that realization was freaky, I shouldn't rely on them, and it is clearly not working anyways!)
- Now, I do not feel broken I'm just bummed I have yet to experience what others have. Clitoral stimulation doesn't feel that good to me so I bought (and please don't laugh too much although it is a little amusing) men's lasting gel to lower the sensitivity since it can really hurt sometimes. If penetration feels INCREDIBLE to me, but it can't really get me there, I'm just not sure.

I know a huge part of it is my mind, I'm just too in my head and I don't know how to get out. Mindfulness is important. I've tried meditating before, playing music during, and focusing on my breath but so many times I get so frustrated I end in tears, not an orgasm. I don't even know if I need advice, and I highly commend you if you have read this far, I just need to vent. It's a really painful part of my life. It has ruined relationships and makes me not trust my body.

[Sam W]

Hi gamecockgirl,

I'm so sorry that this has become such a point of frustration for you, and that so many people in your life have made you feel crummy about it (and also taken digs at your appearance). In case you need to hear it again: you're not broken. Not every body behaves the same way, and not having orgasms easily isn't some sort of flaw; it's just part of how your personal, sexual response is.

It sounds like you're already doing a ton of experimenting and reading on this, which is awesome (we're big fans of "Come as You are" here, and I'm told there's a workbook that goes with the book itself). Since you suspect there's a big mental component to this (which is a sound guess, given that the brain is the biggest sexual organ), how about we start there? You mention you first sexual experience was traumatic, which is already a rough starting place (and is something we can talk more about if that would be helpful). Have most of your other sexual experiences with other people been not so great? Too, when you're masturbating, what kind of thoughts are going through your head?

[wanderlust]

Some of my experiences have been okay, I haven't had many partners because trust is one of the biggest turn ons for me (hence why hookups are not my cup of tea!) so it has only been with guys I've dated for a while. I dated this guy for around 7 months and the chemistry was amazing and I felt safe with him. I'm not a super sexual person, but he made me feel sexy and my sexual desire (not using sex drive because of the book haha) was off the chain. Once it ended I realized there were controlling tendencies that I hadn't noticed- he was really into me being perfectly shaved, but I break out really bad, I get laser removal treatments now but he even told me he was going to get me a razor which is so inappropriate, and he was obsessed with trying to get me to come. The other guy was great during it, but a week before he dumped me he would use me for sex every day, barely saying two words to me after. I think I knew it was coming to an end and I was trying to hold on to it as much as I could. It kind of messed with me, since my biggest thing is trust, it made me feel somewhat violated. He was even more obsessed with me having an orgasm, which is a HUGE mood killer and was a huge strain on our relationship.

I guess I've been naive, but also I just don't think I chose the best guys.

Masturbating is weird for me. I can go weeks without being horny, and I think its especially bad now because of the pandemic and stress 100% shuts down desire. So, because of that, sometimes I do it even when I'm not really in the mood because it still feels good, I just take my vibrator out and go. I'm really bad at imagining erotic things when I'm not in a relationship, def partly because of trust, so I just watch porn or read stories. Common thoughts are, this feels good, it doesn't seem like i'm going to finish tonight, I'm bored. I know that's kinda weird, and I know if I was able to get into it more I think it would be a lot more fun. It usually just ends when I get bored because there isn't going to be an orgasm.

[wanderlust]

I'm not sure if the last response I wrote worked - I'm super new and still figuring everything out

I haven't had many sexual experiences because one of my biggest turn ons is trust, so I only decide to do anything with people I'm dating. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to change much because there has still been some rough times. The guy I dated for 7 months was the second partner I ever had, and the only person to that point I had had regular sex with. The chemistry was incredible, I could honestly go 3-4 times a day if it was available to us (my sex drive has never been that high, its because I was in love and knew he was in love with me). There were some controlling aspects that I hadn't noticed. He was a little obsessed with making me come so he bought me a vibrator and used it on me but it hurt a lot. He also wanted to buy me a razor because I wasn't pornstar smooth, I break out really badly and now get laser hair removal because it is so bad (it is a life changer guys). The other guy I dated that I had a regular sexual relationship with was okay, he was catholic and told me this was wrong all of the time. I told him I'm more than happy to not have sex and he insisted, and then shamed me for it. The week before he dumped me he used me for sex every day, barely saying two words after and then leaving. It honestly has kinda fucked me up that he used me, since the first sexual interaction I ever had I was used, and this partner knew that.

I think this backbone has made it harder because my view on intimacy is constantly let down. I *want* a loving relationship and trust keeps getting broken. I'm trying my best to notice toxic/controlling/non-trustworthy flaws quickly to protect myself later on, but these walls totally mess with my dysfunction. I feel like I don't even trust myself, and I am super self-conscious even when I'm in my room by myself. I feel like I'm getting to the brink, freak out about what will happen, think about how I feel like I can't come and then any momentum is gone.

When I am masturbating, thoughts are weird. I have a really hard getting into it when I am not with or talking to somebody so if I am left to my own devices I usually do it because I am bored, and it still feels good even though I don't finish. Thoughts can be "this feels good" "I'm not going to come" "I'm bored" and then I stop, and again, since I'm not super into it its easy for me to stop. I usually watch porn or read erotica which helps some but idk, it's just kinda weird for me. I've tried drinking a little to "loosen up" before, but even then I just cannot get into it. It's some mental block.

[Sam W]

That's all really helpful context, thank you! Both those experiences sound like the kind that can really mess with your sense of sexual self, especially that nonsense with shaming you afterwards but not taking you up on the offer to just not have sex. Having partners who were putting pressure on you to orgasm is also rough, because it starts linking orgasm with pressure and worry in your head.

You mention being super self-conscious even when you're alone. Can you say a little more about that? Do you feel like you "hear" certain people's voices in your head in those moments.

I feel you on the effects the pandemic and stress in general are having on your desire right now. Stress is one of the biggest arousal crushers, and these days it can feel like it's coming at you from every where. Something I'd suggest is not masturbating unless you really feel an urge to do so, even if that urge is "eh, I'm kind of in the mood, let's give this a whirl." The brain is such a big player in arousal and orgasm that if it's not engaged from the get-go, it's pretty hard to have a satisfying masturbation session. Going along with that, I think it might help to give yourself permission to stop when it's starts feeling boring. You're already doing that, but it can help to see it as you listening to your body rather than you "failing" at masturbation or orgasm. Does that make sense?

I also want to give you this article, since it sounds like finding fantasies that really engage and arouse you is something that's still pretty tricky: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms. Focusing more on connecting with and enjoying your fantasies and desires, rather than specifically on orgasm (or even masturbation) may help with addressing that mental block you feel you have.

[wanderlust]

Thanks for the article, I will definitely check it out. I have some fantasies, but sometimes I feel guilty about them even though they are totally normal! I think I hear people in my life who have said to me "you are broken" or "nobody would ever want to be with a girl who can't come". I really like hearing it is okay to give myself permission to stop because sometimes I get upset about that too! I just wish I had less stress about all of this and could block out the thoughts.

That being said, I never have sex dreams (they sound nice, I'm jealous of people that do!) but I had one about me getting off by myself and it was actually a really good dream and I was trying things I haven't before with just different positions and such. I was SO excited the whole day to try it so that night I gave it a shot and it was amazing. No orgasm, but super satisfying. I usually have this moment of "wow I'm gonna come" and then the wave just falls and I feel tired and satisfied, but no WOW feeling. It was nice to have a really good night- I haven't had one in awhile!

[Alexa]

It sounds like that dream really helped you access what Sam mentioned earlier:

Focusing more on connecting with and enjoying your fantasies and desires, rather than specifically on orgasm (or even masturbation) may help with addressing that mental block you feel you have.

It can be really hard not to focus on orgasm as an end goal, especially when you're frustrated that it hasn't happened for you yet. But it sounds like having such a pleasurable experience with your body, and learning new things about what you like, is a win to me! And it helps to unlock new ways of finding pleasure for yourself. Do you think it would be helpful to reframe that way? I know it's hard to do, but is there a world in which you could just let go of the idea of orgasm for a while and think about experiencing desire and pleasure for the sake of the experience itself? That might alleviate some pressure.